I'm marrying Fingercuffs

[jealousyoverload]

Me: male. Her: female. Each of us: mid-thirties, couple kids, educated, relatively successful. This will be the second marriage for us both.

 

We're getting married in a couple months, but I've got some things I need to deal with, and I'm hoping the aggregate wisdom of LS can help me out.

 

Please note that I didn't pry or dig into her past, I was happy to leave it where it lay, but she went and volunteered some information that has, unfortunately, managed to snake it's way deep into my brain.

 

Due to marrying young the first time, I've had a very limited number of sexual partners, let's call it 5.

 

She let slip that she has shagged at least 20 men, the vast majority of them within the 2 years preceding our relationship. Popular culture says I should assume 2-3x the number she told me, which would mean she was banging at least a couple new guys every month for 2 years.

 

Anyway, after she separated from her first husband, she decided to sow some oats, so to speak. She dated a guy that was involved in the swinger community, and they went to sex clubs, swapped partners, group sex, orgies, she had sex with like 6 guys in just a couple hour period, jesus christ, I could go on and on.

 

She had a clean STD panel, but frankly, that's little consolation for me.

 

She felt that since we were very serious, I should know the truth and accept her, warts and all.

 

When we first started dating, she was still very close friends with one of the guys she was swinging with, but kept me in the dark about it all until he proved to be a total douche and she ejected him from her life. (BS confrontation about how I was supposedly controlling because I didn't want to swing with her and him, gross.)

 

Sometimes I get these stabs of jealousy about what she did, and I think it's entirely irrational, but goddamn it hurts. I get these images in my head (thanks, overactive imagination!) of her engaging in these acts with these people, and it makes me feel confused, angry, all kinds of terrible stuff.

 

We've talked about it a few times, and I try to stay calm and not get upset, but I really don't want to be that guy who keeps bringing this stuff up every time I feel a bit insecure.

 

I bought "The Ethical Slut", and I'm rereading the jealousy chapter, and it's helping, but I need some human interaction, and I don't want to talk to my friends about this.

 

TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

[Stung]

Due to marrying young the first time, I've had a very limited number of sexual partners, let's call it 5.

 

She let slip that she has shagged at least 20 men, the vast majority of them within the 2 years preceding our relationship. Popular culture says I should assume 2-3x the number she told me, which would mean she was banging at least a couple new guys every month for 2 years.

 

Anyway, after she separated from her first husband, she decided to sow some oats, so to speak. She dated a guy that was involved in the swinger community, and they went to sex clubs, swapped partners, group sex, orgies, she had sex with like 6 guys in just a couple hour period, jesus christ, I could go on and on.

 

She had a clean STD panel, but frankly, that's little consolation for me.

 

She felt that since we were very serious, I should know the truth and accept her, warts and all.

 

When we first started dating, she was still very close friends with one of the guys she was swinging with, but kept me in the dark about it all until he proved to be a total douche and she ejected him from her life. (BS confrontation about how I was supposedly controlling because I didn't want to swing with her and him, gross.)

 

Sometimes I get these stabs of jealousy about what she did, and I think it's entirely irrational, but goddamn it hurts. I get these images in my head (thanks, overactive imagination!) of her engaging in these acts with these people, and it makes me feel confused, angry, all kinds of terrible stuff.

 

We've talked about it a few times, and I try to stay calm and not get upset, but I really don't want to be that guy who keeps bringing this stuff up every time I feel a bit insecure.

 

I bought "The Ethical Slut", and I'm rereading the jealousy chapter, and it's helping, but I need some human interaction, and I don't want to talk to my friends about this.

 

TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

 

Firstly, popular culture is full of crap. Popular culture spawned and then embraced the likes of The Situation, Paris Hilton, The Real Housewives of Wherever the F*ck, etc. She's an adult woman out in the real world who told you some real serious stuff because she respected you enough to want you to know the whole truth, you really think she's going to lie about her number like some little teenage princess because popular culture says women lie? I told my husband my number, and if his response had been to assume it was 3x that I would have felt insulted. Of course he took me at my word because he knows my word is good, and he wasn't fazed in the slightest, perhaps because his own number was just about the same as mine--have you considered at all that all your emotional turmoil might stem not only from jealousy over her body, but also jealousy of her freedom, that she had more fun than you?

 

Secondly, she made some choices many people wouldn't have made, but she didn't do anything wrong. Her sexual past is past and with all she had to choose from, she has chosen you. Can you try to realign your thinking to take that into consideration, that she is honoring you with her truth and her fidelity?

 

I think reading The Ethical Slut is a good start towards understanding/acceptance, so kudos for that.

 

How about this: is there anything in her sexual open-mindedness that could work in your favor? Rather than feeling threatened, you might regard this as the opening of a new door. She obviously has a high sex drive and an adventurous nature. Look around on this board and see if you can identify the dozens of male posters who really, REALLY wish they could say the same about their own wives. Also, is there anything you have always wanted to try, but been too shy or too inhibited to bring up? This just might be the girl who will hold your hand and walk through those taboo jungles of the night with you--unless, of course, your weird fantasies are too kinky even for HER .

 

Look, I do get it that it's hard to deal with stuff like this, especially if you have a jealous streak and an active imagination. I have wrestled with jealousy myself, from time to time. It's okay to tell her that you're having some trouble with it and let her know that she needs to make you feel safe with her, emotionally, that she needs to show you that you are her priority (don't expect her to bend over backwards for this kind of thing forever, though, btw). Still, the only thing that raises real caution flags IMO is the weird altercation you kind of gloss over with her ex-swinging partner. Not so much that she was still friends with him, but it's unclear to me exactly what went on there or who was calling you controlling. Could be that her conflict resolution skills are kind of messed up, but I'd need more details and clarification.

[xxoo]

She let slip that she has shagged at least 20 men, the vast majority of them within the 2 years preceding our relationship. Popular culture says I should assume 2-3x the number she told me, which would mean she was banging at least a couple new guys every month for 2 years.

 

First of all, the bolded is ridiculous. Why would you want to marry someone if you can't have an honest conversation? Why assume she is telling partial truths?

 

Second, consider this: she got it ALL out of her system. She could still be living that life, but she chose you instead. Sleeping with lots of guys can't compare (in her mind) to the satisfaction of having YOU--and she's tried both, so she really knows!

 

Instead of seeing this as a source of insecurity, why not see it as a source of confidence? She's dated around. She's tried different things. YOU are better than all that stuff. You must be hot stuff in her eyes!

[xxoo]

I could have saved myself the typing if I'd read Stung's post first!

[Stung]

I could have saved myself the typing if I'd read Stung's post first!

 

Sometimes I am getting ready to post in a thread, and then I end up not bothering because you have already said what I was going to say.

[TigerCub]

Hey JealousyOverload,

 

just a few things:

That rule about 2-3x the # is bs.

If this is the woman you want to marry, you should be able to trust her.

If she already admitted to doing all that she told you about, why would she all of a sudden be shy about the #?

 

Second,

You mentioned that you have been with about 5 people.

I'm thinking that maybe your jealousy isn't stemming from the fact that she's been around, but more from the thought that you're going to marry this woman, and I'm assuming you don't plan on cheating on her, and so that would make her #6, whereas she's had more than 2x that #.

 

I'm thinking that your not so good feelings come from a 'regret' (for lack of a better word) on your part that you didn't experiment with as many people as you may have wanted.

 

Do you think there's any truth to that?

 

If not, then I would suggest that you take another poster's comments on seeing the fact that your wife to be loves sex, loves to experiment and is honest and open with you.

She's with you and at least you wont get complaints in the sex department.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and same to xxoo, as you two certainly have good heads on your shoulders (if that sounds right).....

 

Now however let me offer a different POV as a male who was in much the same boat as the OP with my spouse (and no she did not swing)......

 

There is always going to be pangs of doubt and certainly this could include feeling inferior or questioning oneself and their ability and confidence..... This is what a male deals with.... I know women can too, but their's is much more tied to vanity, looks and attractiveness. Men who will cheat and are pretty obvious imo from their demeaner actions and outlook, women less so.

 

Very simply you need to know what she wants and her hopes in the future. What led her to these decisions after the breakdown of her marriage (and reading between the lines with children) and whether she sees swinging as a possibility going forward.

 

Sure we are all mature adults, but if you have no interest in that lifestyle, do you really want to marry someone who participated in that lifestyle, unless 100% convinced that it was not his/her cup o' tea, and as intimated in the OP, that she was coerced?

 

Yes was there a need to be accepted/validated through sex, after she divorced? Sorry to sound like a prude, but one per month for two years in your 30's, does indicate some issues (or a high high sex drive)..... Of course some married men wish they had sex that many times over two years....

 

Now the one thing that really concerns about the OP is that he has shown anger, which I find very troubling. To be scared, uneasy, jealous or trepidatious is perfectly acceptable and to talk about it and what she sees herself wanting in the future is more then fair. To show anger concerns me.....

 

Oh yea.... can someone explain what this means....

 

TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

Edited September 21, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[flying]

 

Yes was there a need to be accepted/validated through sex, after she divorced? Sorry to sound like a prude, but one per month for two years in your 30's, does indicate some issues (or a high high sex drive)..... Of course some married men wish they had sex that many times over two years....

 

Now the one thing that really concerns about the OP is that he has shown anger, which I find very troubling. To be scared, uneasy, jealous or trepidatious is perfectly acceptable and to talk about it and what she sees herself wanting in the future is more then fair. To show anger concerns me.....

 

Oh yea.... can someone explain what this means....

 

TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

 

Haha,TLDR = "too long, didn't read". I think he was giving an abbreviated version for anyone who didn't want to read it all. Darn nice of him.

 

I did read it though, and although I agree with everything that people have pointed out so far, I have one thing to add:

 

When we first started dating, she was still very close friends with one of the guys she was swinging with, but kept me in the dark about it all until he proved to be a total douche and she ejected him from her life. (BS confrontation about how I was supposedly controlling because I didn't want to swing with her and him, gross.)

 

That would make me more insecure than all the rest of it put together, personally. What does this mean - she accused you of being controlling because you didn't want to swing with them? Did I misunderstand that?

 

Regardless, the lying about the guy is a red flag, IMO, unlike her past, which she was honest about. Honesty >>> lying.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Haha,TLDR = "too long, didn't read". I think he was giving an abbreviated version for anyone who didn't want to read it all. Darn nice of him.

 

I did read it though, and although I agree with everything that people have pointed out so far, I have one thing to add:

 

 

 

That would make me more insecure than all the rest of it put together, personally. What does this mean - she accused you of being controlling because you didn't want to swing with them? Did I misunderstand that?

 

Regardless, the lying about the guy is a red flag, IMO, unlike her past, which she was honest about. Honesty >>> lying.

 

That the guy became an ahole, wanting her to continue swinging, and bring her fiance along.....

 

But again if I was her and did maintain a close relationship, I wouldn't disclose all immediately either.... So there I agree with her if I am reading it right.....

[jealousyoverload]

Thank you everyone for the respectful series of replies.

 

I know this makes me look jealous and insecure, but I'm being totally honest about it, and I know it's mostly in my head.

 

As for the thing with the guy at the beginning of the relationship, I'll elaborate a bit.

 

This was the guy she was involved with after she got separated and filed for divorce. He was into the swinger lifestyle, and she went along with him and got involved in sex clubs and all the stuff I already mentioned.

 

She introduced him as a "friend" when we started dating, and even invited him over to my house where I spent hours making and serving a gourmet dinner to him and his new fling.

 

Then, (later that night, after they left), I mentioned that there was some interesting body language going on, and was he an old flame?

 

That's when the dropped the bomb on me that they had been lovers for a couple years and did all that stuff.

 

I told her I wasn't cool with that, and no way in hell was I going to have that guy in our lives.

 

She got together with him a week or so later to tell him they were done, and he needs to stop contacting her, etc, and he blew up and sent email to her family, and called her sister, saying I was abusive and controlling, etc etc.

 

Then a month later, his fling broke up with him, and he came back, trying to break us up, asking her to marry him, it was a friggin nightmare.

 

Just fyi, but my anger isn't directed at her, it's directed at the circumstances, my own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, you name it.

 

I do absolutely regret not having the chance to participate in some of my fantasies. Part of my jealousy is because she did sort of lure me into the relationship with promises of doing some things like a threesome, etc, and then slammed the door shut after I was emotionally invested.

 

I won't cheat on her, so if she's unwilling to do those things with me, then I need to call it off, or deal with the fact that I won't ever get those opportunities.

 

As for her #, ok, I agree pop culture is usually crap, but it's hard to ignore stuff like that sometimes.

[BlackLovely]

Me: male. Her: female. Each of us: mid-thirties, couple kids, educated, relatively successful. This will be the second marriage for us both.

 

We're getting married in a couple months, but I've got some things I need to deal with, and I'm hoping the aggregate wisdom of LS can help me out.

 

Please note that I didn't pry or dig into her past, I was happy to leave it where it lay, but she went and volunteered some information that has, unfortunately, managed to snake it's way deep into my brain.

 

Due to marrying young the first time, I've had a very limited number of sexual partners, let's call it 5.

 

She let slip that she has shagged at least 20 men, the vast majority of them within the 2 years preceding our relationship. Popular culture says I should assume 2-3x the number she told me, which would mean she was banging at least a couple new guys every month for 2 years.

 

Anyway, after she separated from her first husband, she decided to sow some oats, so to speak. She dated a guy that was involved in the swinger community, and they went to sex clubs, swapped partners, group sex, orgies, she had sex with like 6 guys in just a couple hour period, jesus christ, I could go on and on.

 

She had a clean STD panel, but frankly, that's little consolation for me.

 

She felt that since we were very serious, I should know the truth and accept her, warts and all.

 

When we first started dating, she was still very close friends with one of the guys she was swinging with, but kept me in the dark about it all until he proved to be a total douche and she ejected him from her life. (BS confrontation about how I was supposedly controlling because I didn't want to swing with her and him, gross.)

 

Sometimes I get these stabs of jealousy about what she did, and I think it's entirely irrational, but goddamn it hurts. I get these images in my head (thanks, overactive imagination!) of her engaging in these acts with these people, and it makes me feel confused, angry, all kinds of terrible stuff.

 

We've talked about it a few times, and I try to stay calm and not get upset, but I really don't want to be that guy who keeps bringing this stuff up every time I feel a bit insecure.

 

I bought "The Ethical Slut", and I'm rereading the jealousy chapter, and it's helping, but I need some human interaction, and I don't want to talk to my friends about this.

 

TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

Women have active sex lives, just like men. Deal with it and get rid of your Madonna-whore complex. You're only making yourself look petty and territorial.

 

I agree that she could have gotten it all out her system. After a very strict and oppressive upbringing, I went wild when I left home. By the time I met my fiance, I was so over the bed hopping. I'm so glad I had my fun, because it taught me a lot about myself. I also enjoyed the powerful feeling of using a man purely for sex. After all, if men could do it, so could I right?

 

I don't think women should ever share their numbers with a man. As the OP demonstrated, most men can't really handle the fact that their partner has had others. Any number is too high, because all men think that it's only acceptable for males to sleep around.

[TigerCub]

I do absolutely regret not having the chance to participate in some of my fantasies. Part of my jealousy is because she did sort of lure me into the relationship with promises of doing some things like a threesome, etc,

I'm actually curious on how she did that? Did she say that she'd do threesomes with you, and then changed her mind?

If so...then that's definitely not fair.

 

and then slammed the door shut after I was emotionally invested.

One thing I will say about this, is that maybe at first the idea was a good one in her view - but then SHE GOT EMOTIONALLY INVESTED.

I'm only saying this because I know for me: The idea of a threesome is awesome, but I would never do it with anyone I cared about - simply because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing somone I love have sex with someone else. I would only do that kinda thing, if I wasn't attached to the other participants.

 

I won't cheat on her

I think its great that you wont cheat on her.

 

so if she's unwilling to do those things with me, then I need to call it off, or deal with the fact that I won't ever get those opportunities.

This is why, I always think I'd rather end up with a guy that's been around the block - he would have already tried all he wanted and it wouldn't be an issue down the road.

 

I really do support your decision on how you're going to deal with it, and I think it says a lot about you in your decision to either let her go or deal, and that cheating isn't an option.

 

Best of luck

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thank you everyone for the respectful series of replies.

 

I know this makes me look jealous and insecure, but I'm being totally honest about it, and I know it's mostly in my head.

 

As for the thing with the guy at the beginning of the relationship, I'll elaborate a bit.

 

This was the guy she was involved with after she got separated and filed for divorce. He was into the swinger lifestyle, and she went along with him and got involved in sex clubs and all the stuff I already mentioned.

 

She introduced him as a "friend" when we started dating, and even invited him over to my house where I spent hours making and serving a gourmet dinner to him and his new fling.

 

Then, (later that night, after they left), I mentioned that there was some interesting body language going on, and was he an old flame?

 

That's when the dropped the bomb on me that they had been lovers for a couple years and did all that stuff.

 

I told her I wasn't cool with that, and no way in hell was I going to have that guy in our lives.

 

She got together with him a week or so later to tell him they were done, and he needs to stop contacting her, etc, and he blew up and sent email to her family, and called her sister, saying I was abusive and controlling, etc etc.

 

Then a month later, his fling broke up with him, and he came back, trying to break us up, asking her to marry him, it was a friggin nightmare.

 

Just fyi, but my anger isn't directed at her, it's directed at the circumstances, my own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, you name it.

 

I do absolutely regret not having the chance to participate in some of my fantasies. Part of my jealousy is because she did sort of lure me into the relationship with promises of doing some things like a threesome, etc, and then slammed the door shut after I was emotionally invested.

 

I won't cheat on her, so if she's unwilling to do those things with me, then I need to call it off, or deal with the fact that I won't ever get those opportunities.

 

As for her #, ok, I agree pop culture is usually crap, but it's hard to ignore stuff like that sometimes.

 

You are a little bit of a jealous creep.... You handled the dinner terribly and did come off controlling.

 

Now you admit that you have some ideas that include threesomes and yes some swinging, but obviously it is your fantasies not hers and certainly you are not talking about two guys and a woman.....

 

 

You need to figure out exactly what you want and quit being an immature baby.....

[Stung]

I agree with Tiger Cub on the likely sequence of events surrounding the threesome idea. I also have fantasies about threesomes, group sex, etc., which I could possibly have attempted with someone who meant less to me but which I could NEVER go through with with my husband. He means too much to me, the idea of introducing uncertain elements that could undermine our marriage, or the thought of watching him touch somebody else with desire--both simply make my heart hurt. The same is true of many, many women I know. I would look at it as further proof, if you need it, that she is far more emotionally attached to you than she ever was to the previous guy.

 

You sound angry about it, as though you think she pulled a deliberate bait-and-switch on you, like some petty shopkeeper. I understand that you wanted to swing a little bit yourself and now you feel you're on uneven ground with her past, but do you really think she's that calculating?

 

I can understand feeling a bit gypped, but I think this is the source of far more of your jealousy than you realize, that she has experienced something you want to and might never experience. I believe you need to do some mental work at separating and correctly identifying the sources of your jealousy, because in your original post you pinned everything on her, as if what she had done was really disturbing to you, when in reality she did things you wish you could do yourself.

 

As for the situation with the swinging guy, who sounds like a tremendous jackhole, yeah it does sound like a nightmare with him writing to her family and proposing marriage, I'd be upset too with bombs like that going off in my relationship. I'd be sensitive about it for a while too, maybe overly so. But hearing the details, it actually sounds like she was pretty upfront with you and did a lot to maintain your trust and validate your feelings. Yes, it would have been better if she had been more open about how she knew the guy originally, that's a legitimate gripe from you IMO. BUT, she probably did think of him as only a friend at that point, and she was quick to fess up at the first question, in fact she confessed EVERYTHING to the point that it made you uncomfortable, because she was working hard to be on the level with you. It doesn't sound like you appreciate her honesty and her attempts to be super-open with you at all. And she really went to the mat for you by cutting off all contact with someone she considered a friend, out of consideration for your feelings--something ELSE it doesn't sound like you appreciate. She went through hell afterwards with this guy tormenting her fiancee and harrassing her family. You're just po'd that you cooked dinner for everybody. Maybe you are a little more controlling than you think?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

About threesomes with the one you love vs. anonymous-type sex.....

 

Again though i find this a fascinating thread that has already taken a number of tangents as we learn more about the situation and about the OP....

[UnifiedFieldTheory]

[TLDR; I'm involved in a very serious relationship with FingerCuffs from Chasing Amy. How do I deal with this?

 

I was once in that situation, only opposite - though I never invited any ex-flings to dinner. What would happen when I first started dating my wife is that from time to time, when we were out together, a former lover would see me and talk to me. My wife would always see the way they looked at me, and she sometimes knew without asking, other times would ask, and I would always tell her the truth. This happened for years - even after we were married. She finally asked for the number of lovers I'd had, and I told her the truth then too. I said: "I don't know, I've never counted - maybe 120 or so. Some of them tried to reel me in, but you caught me."

 

That seemed to satisfy her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This was the guy she was involved with after she got separated and filed for divorce. He was into the swinger lifestyle, and she went along with him and got involved in sex clubs and all the stuff I already mentioned.

She introduced him as a "friend" when we started dating, and even invited him over to my house where I spent hours making and serving a gourmet dinner to him and his new fling.

Then, (later that night, after they left), I mentioned that there was some interesting body language going on, and was he an old flame?

That's when the dropped the bomb on me that they had been lovers for a couple years and did all that stuff.

 

Ok, I get that your kind of jealous in that you would like to do the whole sex club/swinger type thing as well. I think that is where most of your jealousy comes from.

 

Now I have a serious issue with how this all went down.

 

IF she wanted to bring this guy to YOUR house for dinner... you should have been notified about their past in advance. It's inconsiderate, rude, and deceptive to do things the way she did.

 

Also she disclosed her past upon your prompting... which means she wasn't trying to show you who she really is... so much as trying to perform some kind of damage control from brining a FWB into your house for dinner under false pretenses.

 

Finally... How did she give you the impression you two would have threesomes and such? What circumstances did your relationship begin under?

[jealousyoverload]

Ok, I get that your kind of jealous in that you would like to do the whole sex club/swinger type thing as well. I think that is where most of your jealousy comes from.

 

Now I have a serious issue with how this all went down.

 

IF she wanted to bring this guy to YOUR house for dinner... you should have been notified about their past in advance. It's inconsiderate, rude, and deceptive to do things the way she did.

 

Also she disclosed her past upon your prompting... which means she wasn't trying to show you who she really is... so much as trying to perform some kind of damage control from brining a FWB into your house for dinner under false pretenses.

 

Finally... How did she give you the impression you two would have threesomes and such? What circumstances did your relationship begin under?

 

So, when we started dating we talked pretty explicitly about sex and our fantasies and desires, and I made it clear that I had some things on my "checklist" I wanted to get out of the way, and she was more than receptive. She even told me that she knew a club we would go to, and she'd "find a hottie" to bring home with us. That's actually a big part of the reason the relationship moved forward, it seemed like we were on the same page, and had some fantasies we were going to fulfill together.

 

A few weeks went by, we both got emotionally invested in each other, and then she changed her tune to us having a strictly monogamous relationship. I occasionally get into this mood where it feels like a bait-n-switch, which is why I made this thread.

 

I'm starting to feel a little defensive that people are attacking me on here when I'm just being brutally honest about my feelings. I would appreciate a little decency, aren't we adults? Y'all can at least stop the schoolyard name-calling. I don't care if someone else would be totally comfortable with their new girlfriend bringing a former lover over to their house for a nice dinner without at least telling them about their status ahead of time. We're talking about me, and I obviously don't think that's respectful.

 

Now that we're on the topic of "that guy", here's some more fun facts.

 

She was still romantically involved with him the first month of our relationship, and he even had a key to her house when he came to mine for dinner. My fiancee had had threesomes and more with this guy and the girl he brought to dinner. None of which I knew about beforehand. After prompting her, she informed me that when the dinner was originally planned, she had been hoping for dinner to turn into more, but then she changed her mind the week before, and decided to keep me in the dark. Which obviously backfired.

 

She admitted to me that her relationship with him was not strictly platonic, that they weren't "just friends", and offered to stop talking to him for some time so she could concentrate on "us".

 

Anyway, we talked for a long time last night, and she made some things clearer for me.

 

While she's not ashamed of what she did (which she shouldn't be, let me make that clear), she feels like if she had met me earlier she wouldn't have done those things, so she's feeling a bit conflicted about it. She loves me and can't imagine doing those things with me and risking damage to our relationship. So obviously she has a different set of values when it comes to "sport" sex vs "love" sex.

 

I'm trying to make it clear that I don't have a problem with what she did: it was a positive for me, because it gave me the impression that she was open minded enough to consider doing some of those things with me. We talked at length about it, and she made it clear she was receptive to the idea of doing some of those things with me. Then she changed her mind, which is not a problem in itself, however, I don't react well to ultimatums. I had to choose her or my fantasies, and she won. I'm just looking for advice on how to change my perspective a bit so that I can work on relieving my jealousy, which isn't obsessive or anything, I just like to analyze my emotions, and jealousy is a powerful one.

[xxoo]

I had to choose her or my fantasies, and she won. I'm just looking for advice on how to change my perspective a bit so that I can work on relieving my jealousy, which isn't obsessive or anything, I just like to analyze my emotions, and jealousy is a powerful one.

 

I think you need to take a look at what you have--not what you thought you had, but what you have--and decide if this is what you want. Will this relationship meet your needs, just as it is?

 

I can completely relate to beginning a relationship sharing all kinds of fantasies, and then falling in love and realizing you don't want that reality in this relationship. She should still be very open and sexual, in a monogamous sense, though. Is she still willing to share fantasies, as long as they are understood to remain fantasy? Is she adventurous and enthusiastic in bed with you?

 

If so, practice gratitude. Gratitude is the best antidote for jealousy. She's a loving partner, amazingly passionate in bed, and she's all yours. That is a huge WIN. Many guys having 3somes would be jealous of you.

[Woggle]

I would be careful about this. Women like this are rarely are able to make the switch to being a faithful and loving wife and after a few years of married and commited life she might start missing her wild former life. Call me sexist but experience and observation have taught me that this is true. Not saying that women are wrong for being like this but for the most part they are not built for marriage.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You started dating.... You met this wonderful woman, now your fiance, who frankly you considered loose, by your standards, and conversely saw you at first as just another notch on her bedpost.... But lo and behold the relationship developed way beyond that to where she had deep feelings and love and guess what, did not want to share you and congratulations felt intense jealousy and fear if she introduced you and continued this swinger lifestyle.

 

And your response???? Disappointment and feeling you were subject to bait and switch tactics.....

 

The best thing you can do for her, is dump her and go fulfill your fantasies... Then once you've gotten your rocks off, go decide what you want and may be just may be she will still be around for you.

 

You know there are plenty of dating sites and magazines available to help you fulfill your wishes.....

Edited October 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BlackLovely]

I would be careful about this. Women like this are rarely are able to make the switch to being a faithful and loving wife and after a few years of married and commited life she might start missing her wild former life. Call me sexist but experience and observation have taught me that this is true. Not saying that women are wrong for being like this but for the most part they are not built for marriage.

This is nonsense. Did you ever think that a woman "like that" may get married, because, I don't know, they're tired of being wild? Can't a manwhore settle down and change if they choose to?

Since you are a proud sexist, I bet you think that the only women who are wife material are virgins. Woggle, 1905 called. They want their morals back.

[Woggle]

This is nonsense. Did you ever think that a woman "like that" may get married, because, I don't know, they're tired of being wild? Can't a manwhore settle down and change if they choose to?

Since you are a proud sexist, I bet you think that the only women who are wife material are virgins. Woggle, 1905 called. They want their morals back.

 

Reality is not always PC and from what I have witnessed women like this usually do not make good wives. There are some excpetions but in many cases a woman like this will end up cheating because cheating for a woman and sleeping around tend to come from the same place mentally.

 

Manwhores usually don't change and I always advise women not to try and turn players into faithful partners but it doesn't seem to stop them. I don't think that men should want virgins because that is going too far in the other direction but women who want to have sex like a man as they put it are just a bad idea to partner with.

[2sure]

Blah. I didnt feel like doing this but...

 

I am exactly as you describe your wife as far as past experience.

 

My past behavior, my past experiences, open mindedness, etc had no impact whatsoever on my ability to be faithful. Period.

 

It was recreational, not emotional. I was never a nymphomaniac. I could have taken it or left it anytime if I was with a partner that was not into it, or if I just became bored with it.

 

Having said those things:

 

I think that regarding her previous swing partner and that fiasco - she had no emotional bond with him and mistakenly thought you could all be friends. The one thing that you have to understand is that people like us have the ability/curse to completely separate sex and intimacy.

 

It is possible your wife to be has emotionally come to a point where she much prefers intimacy and believes that anything less is not good enough or even wrong.

 

As far as are you jealous that she has had experiences that you have only fantasized about? Yes, probably. Who wouldnt be?

 

I would say a full out honest discussion about why you would like to possibly fulfill your main sexual fantasy and about why she is now uncomfortable with doing that should be had. Why not?

 

There is no right or wrong here...but certainly I talk to be had.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Blah. I didnt feel like doing this but...

 

I am exactly as you describe your wife as far as past experience.

 

My past behavior, my past experiences, open mindedness, etc had no impact whatsoever on my ability to be faithful. Period.

 

It was recreational, not emotional. I was never a nymphomaniac. I could have taken it or left it anytime if I was with a partner that was not into it, or if I just became bored with it.

 

Having said those things:

 

I think that regarding her previous swing partner and that fiasco - she had no emotional bond with him and mistakenly thought you could all be friends. The one thing that you have to understand is that people like us have the ability/curse to completely separate sex and intimacy.

 

It is possible your wife to be has emotionally come to a point where she much prefers intimacy and believes that anything less is not good enough or even wrong.

 

As far as are you jealous that she has had experiences that you have only fantasized about? Yes, probably. Who wouldnt be?

 

I would say a full out honest discussion about why you would like to possibly fulfill your main sexual fantasy and about why she is now uncomfortable with doing that should be had. Why not?

 

There is no right or wrong here...but certainly I talk to be had.

 

My spouse did way more, more varied (thus learning what she did and did not like) and had way more of a past then me.... I don't harbour any jealousy at all as I am with the one I love.....

 

I still can complain about the lack of sex though......