This is still bothering me..

[jmargel]

Most of you know my story, got engaged on my b-day (Feb 6th) to my fiancee. Everything has been going great, except that every 2-3 weeks she wants to call her 'ex' to just see how he is doing. Well tonight she told me she called him again! To tell him that we are engaged, etc.. I asked her how long did you two talk & she said 30 mins. I then said there's no way that you just talked about us for that entire time.

 

She said that she told him all good things about us, and that he has a gf (he never calls her, my fiancee always calls him). Also her mom still talks to him and actually told him we are engaged! When I get upset about this she then says I should have nothing to worry about if I 'trust' her. I told her this isn't about trust, but that it hurts knowing she wants to call him so often. She then mentioned its still about the 'closure'? WTF! She's suppose to be my fiancee. I then asked her if she's over him & she got mad and said 'I can't believe you asked that'. 'I am over him'. She then was saying how much she loved me, etc.. and that she really didnt think it was a big issue.

 

I'm just tired of it. At first I was accepting to it because I knew she had things to iron out. But when I said 'What if I should call my ex-fiancee' she then said it wouldn't bother her. Then I said 'Well, maybe I will tonight' and she got quiet. I knew that stung her a bit. She then said 'I would be mad because of the reason why you are calling her'.

 

I then told her that you could be leading him on, calling him so often. I mean hell, we are making wedding plans now and I still have to deal with this.

 

I don't want to be pushing false thoughts into her head but part of me thinks there is an underlying reason of why she's calling so often. I told her that too. All she told me is that she cares about him as a person & wants to see him happy. Then part of me is thinking that's just one way of saying the obvious..

 

We are totally happy with each other & we bring out the best too.. Communication & everything else is there. So why is she doing this? Its just going to push me away.

[dyermaker]

Jmargel, I'm no authority, and I'm not sure what you think of me or my advice, but I don't think you'd be one bit unreasonable expecting her to cease contact with her ex-boyfriend. It's inappropriate for her to be talking with this guy for thirty minutes. I'm not saying she can't talk to men, but this guy has a history with her, and probably is still into her.

[jmargel]

Oh I know he would probably take her back. And for me to tell her 'No' you can't is just going to cause resentment. I won't tell her not to, I just told her how much it hurts me. She never apologized for that. Thing is, if she continues to do this, I can't marry her.

[dyermaker]

Do you think this is her way of sort of 'sabotaging' things?

 

I mean, she knows it bothers you, and she knows it's making you rethink your plans--is it a possibility this is her way of causing that?

[jmargel]

No I don't. She's so excited about the wedding and even moved it up from Sept. to August. Before I never said much about it her calling just tonight I did. Last week she told me she called him two weeks prior, so she didnt tell me for 2 weeks. When she told me this she said that she wasn't calling him anymore. Yea, that lasted a whole week.

 

She has no idea it's causing me to rethink my plans. I just don't know what else to do.

 

One of the things she mentioned was that he said that he doesnt want to run into us, and she then asked 'Well where do you hang out so we don't go there?' and he wouldn't say. Why would she even ask that? Maybe i'm twisting it around to make it look worse than it really is, but I don't know how else to deal with this.

[dyermaker]

It's highly probable that their relationship is 100% innocent, but it's still inappropriate.

 

If you can't communicate to her how much it's making you reassess your own relationship and plans, I'm not sure what to tell you--but you're certainly not being unreasonable with your concerns.

[moimeme]

The price of being in a relationship is that sometimes we have to give up other relationships. While it might be possible for opposite-gender friends to remain friends only when one or the other gets into a serious relationship, the same does not apply to opposite-gender relationships that started as love.

 

She still has ties to the ex - I think you are right to be uncomfortable about that.

 

It seems that your disagreements are about her wanting her own way and disregarding your feelings. This is definitely not a desirable quality in a mate. You need to discuss this. Have you taken premarital counselling or do you plan to? If so, that could help tease out these issues for discussion. If not, you'll have to deal with this.

 

If I recall correctly, you two have known each other for a while but have been a couple for less than a year?

I've said it before, but I really believe that people need to live in close quarters for a minimum of six months, and preferably a year, as part of the engagement and before going ahead with plans to marry. The reason is that behaviours such as that which your intended is displaying often don't manifest themselves early in relationships.

 

I don't like to rain on your parade, but perhaps pushing the wedding back might be the way to go.

[jmargel]

Part of her still has that selfish side, which has gotten way better over the months. I asked her why she wanted to call him just after a week before when she told me she wasn't going to call him again. She said well alot has gone on, we are engaged. She told me they both agreed things have worked out in the end for each other. She then told me she can talk to him better this way, where they were agruing all the time. That's the part that threatens me. I told her that part of me still feels that way, she then said that its my issue not hers. I then said well you calling every 2 weeks is making it worse.

 

I then said how long is this going to go on before you meet up with him? At this point I was getting upset & she was getting defensive. I don't want to threaten our engagement, or our marriage together because of this. I don't want us to distance ourselves with each other, which i'm afraid thats going to happen if I tell her that if she keeps this up I'm not going to marry her.

 

She told me she was going to call later, and to tell you the truth I really don't care if she did right now. I'm just tired of dealing with this issue already, I thought we were beyond this.

 

And I know there could be a chance he might show up at the wedding, and its probably her mom that would tell him where its at. What I don't understand she knows how bad he treated her, yet she still talks to him, etc.. Part of me is always pessimistic when it comes to my future, so I'm starting to see this as a sign as something bad that is going to happen to me. That's what I fear most, even though she says everything I want to hear.

[abc]

One of the reasons she may be calling him is so she can make him feel regret at losing her. I know this sounds strange but after my breakup I took some strange pleasure in letting my ex know I was happy and moving on. It really had nothing to do with him it was more about my self esteem.

 

Having said that, she may also have a sort of addiction to her ex. I know I did even though I wasn't in love with him anymore. We had children so it was more acceptable for us to talk as long as we talked about the kids for awhile. It is hard to give up a relationship of any kind when you are used to it always being there. Even if there is no more romantic love, there is a sort of "family" love. Not a good word but I can't quite explain. It's like love you might feel for a brother.

 

Another reason may be that she talks to him to figure out things that are important to her and that could be important in her next relationship with you. Perhaps, it is just all about her and no one else. That is ok right now as she is about to make a major life decision...marriage.

 

I felt the need to do it too. I guess because I was trying to get important questions answered so I would have better insight on what went wrong and the part I played in the disintegration of our relationship. This may be what your fiancee is doing.

 

I do think you should wait awhile before you get married though. I just got married last year after a long engagement and life does change afterward...even if you have been living together for a long time. I don't know why that is, but the "forever" thing is very scarey sometimes. We sometimes tend to take each other for granted after marriage. It changes your life in ways you cannot foresee and we often see the grass as greener... if you know what I mean.

[jmargel]

Thanks for your post, it coencides with what she just said. She just called. We've talked about it for 2 hours now & I'm tired of beating a dead horse. She said it was about her, and she wanted to let him know we are engaged. She said that she just doesnt want him 'mad' at her, which I then told her he was the one who put you through hell. She considers him as a 'friend', and I told her I feel threatened by this. And my natural instinct is to pull away & distance myself.

 

She then went to say how much she loved me, etc.. I guess whatever answer she was giving me while on the phone wasn't good enough. At least hearing it from someone else kind of solidifies her rationing. I just told her in my own way that this can't continue the way it is. Her calling him so much, but it's going to affect our relationship. I told her that I have faith & trust in her to do what's right.

 

We'll just wait and see what happens I guess. I've lived with my ex-fiancee and our engagment lasted 2 years. So I know what to expect when she moves in next month. It'll be a test for her to see how much a true commitment is. I just hope that things don't change after the novetly wears off, but that's just my pessismistic side showing.

[silk_sword]

i just want to address the part where she told u that she was speaking to him for closure. her closure with him should have came a long time ago before she even started with u. that may not have happened, but at this point in your relationship (on the brink of marriage) she needs to let him go and move on. the fact that she said that, i think she is subconsciously afraid of this marriage and as well not fully over this guy. if u r over someone then there is no issue leaving them for another course (man - u!). she should respect your wishes on this. turn the tables on her. would she want u to be doing what she is doing?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by jmargel

I just hope that things don't change after the novetly wears off, but that's just my pessismistic side showing.

We do too.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by abc

One of the reasons she may be calling him is so she can make him feel regret at losing her. I know this sounds strange but after my breakup I took some strange pleasure in letting my ex know I was happy and moving on. It really had nothing to do with him it was more about my self esteem.

 

 

 

I really understand that portion of it....to a POINT...but a one time only point.

 

I have male friends I would not want to give up if I were in a serious relationship. However, I haven't slept with any of them or shared that sort of relationship. It's a different kind of dynamic.

 

I think it's disrespectful to continue a lot of contact with an ex. If she ran into him at the grocery store.....sure a 'hello' is in order.....but to chat on a regular basis is not fair to you. Once you are married, you don't want your ups and downs discussed with her 'ex'. That's the foundation for many affairs.

 

She needs to cut the apron strings and REALLY show him how happy she is with you ....by saying ADIOS to him.

 

You are a great guy jmargel and I know this is really bothering you. I think if you don't take a stand now...it'll be a thorn in your side later.

[jmargel]

I am taking a stand, if she continues to do this I'm gone. I mentioned the closure thing again, and she recanted that statement, but it's too late. She told me she didn't want him 'mad' at her, it just feels like a bunch of excuses to me. She told me that they never had what her & me have, and she looks at him as a friend, and that women have a tendency of wanting to 'mend' things. She did one thing in their relationship that was bad, but it was a result of all the crap she put up with him.

 

Anyway she told me the main reason why she called was to tell him she's engaged. At this point I don't really care anymore. I told her that I'm going to start to push away if this keeps up. She then told me she chose me, and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, etc..

 

I told her about a chick that I ran into the other week, which I used to go out with. How she came upto me & hugged me. It didn't even phase my fiancee, she didn't even ask any questions all she said was that she trusts me. So maybe she just has sincere motives, guess only time will tell. All I know if the next few months are like this, the wedding won't be taking place.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by jmargel

She told me she didn't want him 'mad' at her...

 

This is the part that bothers me. When you truly get over somone, you are indifferent to how they feel or what they think about you. She shouldn't care one way or the other whether he's mad at her. She said women like to mend things - yes, when they care about the person.

 

I do believe she is truly in love with you and maybe 99% over him. There is still some tie or she wouldn't have any need to call him. However, I think if things continue the way they've been with the two of you, she will finally dissolve that tie and I don't believe it will take that long.

[EnigmaXOXO]

She said it was about her, and she wanted to let him know we are engaged. She said that she just doesnt want him 'mad' at her,

 

It seems she's more concerned about his feelings than she is about yours. Perhaps she still has some growing up to do.

 

Jmargel, I know how much you love her and how much you're really looking forward to getting married. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if I had to be honest, I think perhaps the two of you are rushing to the alter too soon. Being married is difficult enough, but walking into it with this many unresolved issues will end up disasterous.

 

I think you're starting to question things yourself, but are afraid to take any action for fear of making your fiancee angry and losing her.

 

I'm sincerely afraid for you...

[ABC]

I think the key issue is trust. Your financee sounds like she trusts you very much and it sounds like you really do trust her. Are you sure jealousy isn't just the issue here?

 

I can honestly say that I was able to talk to my ex with no thoughts of getting back together or any left over attraction. Like I said it is more like talking to your brother.

 

I realize that this is just my experience and thoughts but your financee's nature sounds very much like mine. She sounds like a very kind and loving person who wants to learn from her mistakes and does not want to go through life regretting that she didn't have proper closure.

 

Closure is different for everyone. Some may get it quickly but for others it takes awhile. No one should judge or force another person to hurry it. It won't work. It is a very personal thing and readiness is individual to each of us.

 

It would be sad if you lost a wonderful person just because of impatience. Please trust her. She knows what she needs to do. It may make her relationship with you much stonger.

[jmargel]

I'm not sure where you got 'many' unresolved issues, it is just this one. She's told me she's over him, so I have to believe her. If she going to come to me & postpone the wedding then it's over. I'm not about to take a step back. I've asked her plenty of times before if things are settled between them, and she's said yes.

 

What upsets me is that her mom is still contacting him, yet she hardly says any words to me. I've been nothing but loving & supportive of my fiancee, and she's let her mom know this. Her mom did send me a birthday card saying she sees how happy her daughter is, and she's glad I am a part of her life, but that was it.

 

I mean she's moved the wedding from September upto August and she's already put a $1000 deposit on the reception hall. If she wasn't serious about me and her intentions weren't true, why would she do this then?

 

Maybe she needs a dose of her own medicene, and maybe I should call my ex. Just so that she knows how it feels.

 

ABC: I just read your post after this reply. If she hasn't had closure yet, then maybe I shouldnt be in this relationship. I mean, we are engaged to be married. She's told me that she's told him how happy she is, and they both said it's worked out for the best.

 

And yes, I am jealous. Not the controlling type, but I see how my actions are possibily wanting to control her regarding this issue. I'm still insecure somewhat, and still see him as a threat. Both him and me agree that we shouldnt try to find each other. Neither of us want to run into the other. Yet if that happens, I just have this sick feeling in my stomache that she'll go upto him & talk to him, etc..

[Iamhappy]

Just a few thoughts.

 

1. Just because someone tells you they're over someone doesn't necessarily mean that's true. I know a lot of people who say the opposite of what they mean in an effort to convince themselves otherwise. Ever heard of the "The lady doth protest too much?"

 

2. The shoulder we cry on isn't necessarily the same shoulder we imagine ourselves marrying.

 

If I recall correctly, was she not in another relationship when you fell in love with her?

 

I know that you stood in the wings and was her best friend as her relationship with her ex died down.

 

I know also that you waited for what you thought was a reasonable period of time before you admitted your feelings for her and you've now been a "couple" for about 4 maybe 5 months.

 

I don't know if others have mentioned this (if they have, please forgive me for repeating what others have said), but I think getting engaged after 4 months is a bit fast. Also, there is that rebound issue.

 

I'll write more later when I get another break.

[abc]

jmargel, your insecurity IS getting in the way. In a really GOOD marriage there is no room for jealously and insecurity. Oh, a little I suppose is healthy, but not to the extent of breaking up and giving ultimatums.

 

Your issues should be worked out before the wedding. I personally would be having second thoughts about marrying someone who refuses to give me what I need. Which is time in this case. Trust me. It is better to work this out before the wedding. It will carry you through other situations that are sure to come out throughout your married life.

 

Hopefully, time will make you a wiser man. I really do wish you the best.

[BabyGirl]

Just my 2 cents....I've read your threads in the past few weeks...and it sounds to me as if this girl is planning a wedding....not a marriage.

[carla]

I think that you have every right it feel insecure. She called him to let him know you were engaged. Didn't her mother already do that. Is she going to call him when she has the flowers picked out, her dress picked out, and so on.

 

He doesn't want to meet up with the 2 of you. That's rephase this into "He doesn't want meet up with YOU." He doesn't seem to have a problem with her. The poor guy is probably tring to get over her and she's the one that keeps calling.

 

Your afraid that he will show up at the wedding, I'd be afraid that she invited him.

 

I think with the B-day card that her mom sent you, you are warming her up. Don't worry that her mom keeps in contact it's not her your marring. My mom is occasionally tells me the latest scoop about my ex and it's more like gossip then concern.

 

It's not fair for to say it's no big deal, if it's afecting your relationship it IS a big deal.

 

Tell her how you feel. I wouldn't say the wedding is off, I know you really love her

this is just something that she has to get over, Why through away a love relationship over something that I think will pass in time.

 

In the mean time I agree with Moimeme Don't call every thing off, just postpone things a year.

If I recall correctly, you two have known each other for a while but have been a couple for less than a year?

I've said it before, but I really believe that people need to live in close quarters for a minimum of six months, and preferably a year, as part of the engagement and before going ahead with plans to marry.

 

Baby Girl also had a good point.

[FreeMe]

This is a bit off topic, but doesn't her mother know that her ex treated her like crap? My mother would never go calling an ex who hurt me. Jeez, she was mad at my fifth-grade boyfriend when he broke up with me!!

[jmargel]

As for the planning of a wedding & not a marriage, I can't say that is true. The only reason why, is because when we were just friends she told me she could never see herself in a marriage, or living with someone. After ending it with him, and being with me she told me the reason why she said that before was because she couldnt see herself marrying or living with him.

 

As for the 5 months we've only been together, we spent alot more close time in the year before, than she did with her ex. She would only see her ex maybe once every 2 weeks where I saw her 2-3 times a week. In the 6 months she lived an hour away from us, he went to visit her twice, once which lasted only 30 mins and it was because he was on his way to a car show. When she would visit him, he would push her aside while she watched him hang out with his friends. During this year I saw her hurting alot, and I was getting frustrated because the things she was missing in that relationship I was making up for. So, I dated someone else for a month, and didn't contact her. She was upset to say the least, but that relationship didn't last. I don't think either of our hearts were into it. I never pushed the issue with her, I just told her I want to see her happy with whoever she ends up with, even if its not with me. I was sincere about that, because at that time I felt we were never going to be a couple. It was a shock when one day she spilled out her heart to me & told me she was in love with me.

 

She's going through alot of changes right now, and has been the past 6 months. She went back to school and graduating next month, she was in two car accidents a couple of months ago, and then me being in her life, along with the wedding now & moving in with me. She's always been a very independent person, always could take care of herself. She goes for what she wants. She also had a bad past where she was raped repeatedly while she was young, and last year her step-dad was putting moves on her. Her mom is in a bad relationship as well.

 

She's the type if she wanted to leave me for him she would. There is really nothing holding her back from doing it. She's also extremely beautiful so her getting any man wouldn't be a problem, guys are always offering thier number to her. I really do believe she loves me, she's always doing the little things for me as well. I think all she wants is some peace in the past, and no hard feelings with him. I'm hoping now that she's got that she doesnt feel like she has to 'fix' anything.

 

And yea, i'm insecure. If I told you about my past you would understand why. I've worked on it quite a bit over the years, but this is my first long term relationship (and hopefully last) since my breakup with my ex. My fiancee has been really patient with me and knows what I went through so that means alot as well.

[DonTomaso]

What's up jmargel... It sounds to me like your fiance really loves you, but her ex still has a lot of control of her too. I think it is a bad sign if she is the one that calls him but he never calls her. If it was a real friendship, then he would call her occasionally too. By not calling, he is exerting power over her. Not to mention the fact that he doesn't want to run itno you and your fiance. Come on!!! He obviously is not her friend if he can't stand the site of seeing his ex with another man, let alone her fiance.

 

I don't really know what you should do. If you truly love her and want to marry her, then you might have to be patient with her. I would advise against calling your ex just to make her jealous. That sounds like a bad idea that will only lead to game playing.... good luck!!!