working our way out of a mess...maybe.

October 4, 2010

This woman is a mess. Now, I'm not saying she can't "fix" herself, but there is something fundamentally wrong with her right now. And she will NOT be able to come to terms with her own issues, while she is with you, because she is using you as her crutch.

The whole problem is, she is too weak to deal with what is wrong with her, so she uses other people as her emotional sponges.

I hope both of you can find peace -- INDIVIDUALLY. Both of you have a long path ahead of you to deal with what happened. Please do yourself a favor and get some distance from her. I think you've been so wrapped up in "getting her back" that you haven't had time to really process what YOU'VE been through.

October 4, 2010

Pandagirl - I couldn't agree more.

We do need space from eachother before we can set things straight. Both her and I are in agreement on that and realize altho we are currently drawn to eachother our feelings are not where they should be.

In a week I'm leaving for 3 weeks to go to France. I've always wanted to go to mainland Europe and I feel if will give us the reset we need.

Also, she is still seeing the therapist weekly to get her feelings under control, but she is now sure of what she wants.

If she's messing with me now or leading me on then I think I'll just kill her.

She's not lying anymore tho. My anxiety isn't firing, and my instincts have been right all along.

We DO need time tho.

October 5, 2010

update:

yesterday we hung out after i got done work. i had meant to just pop in home get a shower and changed and head to my shops. we were drawn to eachother once more and i had a hard time walking away.

we ended up having sex as well...started good then got crappy. we both knew this, talked about it...we just need more time.

i left her for the night at around 5:30. at around 8 she started sending me cute messages...i replied to some. i walked to starbucks and got some teas and brought them by the apartment. we watched a WB trash show for 1h then i left. it was super cute the whole time. we made out a bit like teenagers and i left without it ever getting wierd.

she messaged me later saying there was a bed waiting for me if i wanted it, but i didn't go back...we need time away from eachother for feelings to grow properly.

i msg'd her to meet me for coffee today. once there she said that she was getting butterflies about me and really excited when she thinks of me and us. i'm feeling the exact same way but i'm not sharing that just yet...i still can't completely trust her i feel.

she is sequestering herself away from computer/internet/phone today and tonight. says she's going to focus on herself completely today with no distractions.

she is still in contact with him. he sends her cutsie messages that she says she doesn't respond to in the way that he wants, but that she does respond. as i type this i realize how much that contact still eats me up like crazy. i am going to focus on pulling back more to myself until that crap is done for good.

she is being honest and truthful when she tells me he now means little to nothing to her. but she isn't respecting me by continuing any type of contact with this loser. she is just treading water until he leaves the area for good, but that's not good enough for me.

i'm glad i posted this...as i typed i realized that being one of two guys on her contact list, even tho i'm the one she has butterflies for NOW, is nowhere near good enough for me. this guy needs to be unapologetically removed from her life...period. and i'm not going to ask for it...it's her decision to make, and **** that for her reconnecting with me while she still contacts him AT ALL.

October 5, 2010

You do realize that as screwed up as this girl is, and as much as she's hurt you and is responsible, that at this point, you take 50% responsibility and that your behavior is just as bad, if you continue to allow it to happen?

Having been in an abusive horrible relationship before, as much as I'd like to point the finger at my f'd in the head ex boyfriend, I stayed with him and continued the horrific relationship. It's at that point that I also accepted responsibility for the pain that was inflected upon me. It was my fault too. Because I let it happen.

You need to understand that. It's not just about her being' messed up at this point...because you are now being pulled into the mess as well and allowing it to happen. It's a vicious roller coaster. I've been on it. I understand it. It's extremely painful with moments of glimmer. But seriously, in the end, the coaster always crashes and when it does, you're actually better off.

October 10, 2010

Please take your trip to France and leave your cell phone at home. NO CONTACT at all is the best thing. Let her GO!!!!! You have given her ultamatiums more than once and she has said the same thing over and over. DUDE wake up. LOOK at what your doing. Your life with her will NEVER work if you just don't walk away. How can you ever know that she really wants you if you just don't let her go. Make her suffer if she runs to the OM you don't want her in your bed. DUH!!! she did just what you thought she would do run to him for a romantic beach party. If he feels those needs let him she don't need you and she already decide that. Walk Away and in a few months things will look better. Life will not end and your heart will heal without her.

I know your hurt but you will be fine.

October 11, 2010

Me and my fiance have been in a relationship for 5 years. We own businesses together, a home, and have had what I thought was a perfect life.

My life was, it seems, a fantasy.

About 2 years ago a man from her past started messaging her inappropriately over text and FB. She did not make him stop. He moved back to the area in May of this year and started haunting her at our business when I wasn't there and got much more suggestive and intensive in his messages. She didn't stop him and eventually started giving some of her own back.

3 weeks ago I found out about all of this. 4 weeks ago we were at the beach together and our friends were telling us to stop being such a nauseating couple, behaving totally in love like i thought we were. so, obviously, i had no clue what was happening behind the scenes.

3 weeks ago she asked for space. i gave it and she used it to further her relationship with him. They kissed, he told her he loved her. she didn't say it back, and she says it never got more physical then making out.

1 week ago she said she wants to work things out with me and wants to end it with him. she moves back home. he texts her once every 30 minutes or so all day every day, she gets back to him from time to time and lies to me about it. i eventually get the truth.

i contemplate just ending it on tuesday last week. she says shes so ****ed up right now she doesnt know what's wrong with her. she says she loves me and doesnt love him. she writes him an email ending it, asking for NC from him. he says he doesnt agree with her decision but ok.

he then continues his barrage of contact...texts, FB (she had to block him). I intercepted a note he left on her car yesterday asking her to call him and blaming me for keeping them apart.

stalker? maybe but for what she says she still feels. we had an open honest discussion last night and she answered all my questions. she said she feels that if she left me for him that she would become 100% devoted to him and maybe not miss me at all. she said when she first kissed him she felt absolutely no remorse and instead it felt completely good and right. she said if i left her for a few days to get myself together she thinks she would likely go to him the first night.

but then she says she still wants to try and make things work with me. shes says shes here with me. she says she will not contact him, and if he shows up she'll ask him to leave. she says she loves me and although she has strong feelings for him she doesn't love him.

i am a miserable wreck. i dont know how to be. i sway from being slightly comfortable with her to utterly panicked. i miss my fiance terribly and im starting to see this new person i'm with as someone that killed her.

every day hurts, every morning, every night. i'm going to try to keep this updated as we move through this...any help is more than appreciated..i feel lost, hurt, angry, alone, depressed. i can't leave her, i love her so much, but i feel i'm just standing in her way of being happy? but she says she wants to try to work things out with me. i just dont know.

Honestly how could you even consider this women your fianxe anymore?? She's been lying to you for god knowshow long. Making out with another man. Allowing him to continually come in and out of her life when she is engaged to you! Then she tells you she has no remorse when cheating on you, that it felt good?? Why are you even asking for advice?? You know your answer. Kick this bi**h to the curb and find a woman who's faithful.

October 12, 2010

we have just finished our first complete week of reconciliation (ie no contact with the OM).

She recognizes what an ass she was being. She doesn't like talking about what happened over last month at all but when she does she says how much of a fool she was, how she feels terrible about it, how much of a loser the other guy is, and how much of a loser she was for giving in to him.

For my part I'm trying not to ask any more questions. She has opened up to me about everything (EVERYTHING ) so there really isn't anything left to ask. Constantly bringing it up will simply keep us both from being able to move on. I get assurance from her when I'm seeking it/need it.

She dumped her facebook account, cancelled her email and got a new one, and is changing her cellphone number today. She would have done that a week ago but logistically it just couldn't happen. She instead just turned her phone off completely all week.

I went on her phone a few times just to clear out messages from the OM. He is not giving up. Her last conversation with him a week ago was her telling him he was a mistake, she never loved him and never will, that me and her are soulmates/perfect for eachother, yadda yadda. But none of this is apparently enough to get this guy to just leave us alone.

A little backstory, he had been sending her inappropriate messages for over a year before any of this started. She asked him to stop on many many occasions (i tracked down the email strings) and he didn't. When our relationship started having problems and I was away she gave into him...this is NOT an excuse for her..I'm just making it clear what type of person I'm now dealing with.

Given their relationship and her emotional mood swings it is certainly too early to think about a restraining order. He would be very correct to cite that she was way into him just 2 short weeks ago. Her attitude and more importantly her ACTIONS have straightened themselves out, though, and I'm hoping he will figure that out on his own.

But I don't think he will. When she blocks him on facebook and he makes a new profile just to send messages and sits on a bench outside her work on a day he knows she has off i'm getting the feeling he's gonna be around for a long long time.

As far as an update: Me and her are doing very well, considering. I don't feel I can completely trust her yet, but her actions are matching her words and she seems as dedicated and sure as her old self.

October 12, 2010

Pipe it's nice to hear such a positive update. I mean there is more trust repairing to be built but you seem to be committed because of Love. I'm willing to bet others here won't be as receptive to the idea of reconciliation after what you have been out through. Just try not to think of the possibility of it reoccuring get it off the back of your mind as if this is a relationship with a new woman.

October 18, 2010

thanks for the post Billie...I have taken your advice, I'm really trying to focus on this as a new relationship..as much as that's possible.

I'm going to try to keep updating this from time to time...it seems when peoples' hearts are broken they stick around LS and when they are on the mend they tend to disappear. Alot of what I have read on this forum has not had a happy ending. Maybe mine will be so I'll keep adding updates every so often.

UPDATE:

This past week has been good..excellent, even. We are both more excited about our relationship than we were this time last year. We've begun planning our wedding again and it looks like this time around we will able to pull the whole thing together.

We spent a day in the city last week. Looked at a wedding venue then got some drinks at an outdoor bar, grabbed dinner, got tattoos (my first!), and then finished up the night with a concert. Excellent day, got along like teenagers in love.

Her dedication is (almost) impossible to deny. Why do I say 'almost' ? Well, because I still can't get over what she did to me...and I don't expect to for a while. Doing laundry and seeing underwear she may/may not have worn for her OM makes me want to puke or smash her face in or scream at her HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!! But I don't do any of those things. I hop in the shower, lift, go for a run, etc. These thoughts are twisting me up inside but they won't do anything to reconcile our relationship (which is going absolutely perfectly). I stuff the evil inside and say NOTHING. She can usually tell when I'm working something out inside and either tries to hold me, make me feel better, or just give me the space I need.

The OM has shown some stalker-like behavior. She has changed her phone number, deleted FB, changed her email account....he drops cards/letters at our business for her, he drives by our shops peering in the windows, etc. When he drops a letter/card she gives it to me and we tear it up. She tells me about his little 'drive-bys.' Almost time to get the cops involved, but b/c she mood-swang so much I want to put enough time between her latest mood-swing and our reconciliation that he won't be able to be as credible.

Checked keyloggers + cell phone contact, she truly hasn't contacted him since 2 weeks ago when she ended it. It's over. She is totally dedicated to me (i hope).

Every day is wonderful except for the decay in my mind. Still working those demons out.

October 25, 2010

Haven't updated in a while, I figured it was time again.

The OM left the area 3 days ago...for good. He still has family in the area and I'm sure will be around to harass us some more over holidays, but for now he is gone.

She has still been good, but somewhat impatient. When I'm reaching out for a little compassion or support from feeling down or depressed her tone is short and frustrated. I know she just wants to move on from this and doesn't want to be held back by my issues about it all. I also know that makes her a tremendous bitch. I'm not throwing this stuff in her face all day long. As a matter of fact, I verbalize less then 1% of what is actually running through my head.

The a-hole OM showed up at my store to see her before he left on friday. We hadn't heard a word from him for 3 weeks since she told him to get lost. I ran home on a break to sit at the shop with her, but he ended up showing up about 30 minutes after I left...I knew he wouldn't leave town without trying to tear up my life one more time.

She called me immediately to tell me what happened.....she told him he shouldn't be there..he said he knew..he said he'd been trying to contact her but couldn't...she said she had made it so he couldn't (deleted her old email account, got a new phone #, new FB with him blocked, etc)....he said that all that blocking was MY fault...he asked if she was engaged again...she showed him the ring...he said he guessed that she was just going to let me keep controlling her life then....she said it wasn't like that....he said whatever. then can he kiss her goodbye...she said no...he leaned in at her and kissed her on the cheek...he left.

she said he was in and gone in less than 5 minutes.

We had a nice weekend together, mutual friends wedding. At that wedding, though, I came to the realization that I'm extremely depressed. I am happy to be in this relationship, I'm happy the way my life is going, I know this is what I want to do, but the trauma of all of this has really done a number on my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and identity.

The entire time we were together I always wondered what such a wonderful woman was doing with me...finally I resigned myself to the belief that there must be something special in me that she sees, and I shouldn't worry about why she's with me..there must be a reason for it. But now, after everything that has happened, I feel like that special 'thing' doesn't really exist and never did. That there is nothing I have that could ever hold onto this girl and in the end she will leave me again.

bleh.

October 31, 2010

After all the crap she had done to you, the relationship was dead long ago. You will never trust her again even if she is good now and you will ALWAYS live in fear that her infidelity will repeat itself again, which from my point of view, it WILL repeat itself again.

Because fundamentally, your gf's character is seriously flawed, she selfish, and can even argued to be evil, for actively pursuing the OM for sex when you were already hurting so much.

Listen to this, SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU this, I am dead sure.

There are many women out there, and there will be someone who will love you sincerely. You just have to learn to let go and see beyond this evil person. This relationship was already dead, why waste your time beating a dead horse?

November 18, 2010

so back again, with another update.

we continue our reconciliation. she hasn't contacted OM, doesn't think about him, says she loves her life with me more then she ever did and is completely certain that this is where she wants to be, forever.

as our relationship has settled in i find that i allow myself more time to actualize what has happened. as such, i'm still very torn up and hurt by the betrayal. the idea that she gave her heart (and her body) to somebody else is extremely difficult for me to rationalize and let go of.

some days i barely think about it and we're just great. then it'll strike me out of nowhere...."she ****ed someone else...she told someone else she loves him" ... it's extremely hard going to 'get over' these facts, even as committed as she is now. she is willing to do anything to make it right, anything i ask...

i don't bully her with these thoughts... most of the time i just keep it to myself.. i don't want a partner controlled by guilt .. but when she hugs me i hold on a little too tight, i kiss her a little too long, or watch her as she sleeps and realize i still love her too much for what she has done to me.

we've always been on the same page emotionally ... i know her heart is singing for mine right now, because mine is for her .. but on my side i don't want to give into it, cause of those thoughts that keep popping up.

oh yea, and the OM still puts up BS on his facebook constantly about her. she doesn't see any of it, she has him blocked. but i can see it.

when he comes home for the holidays i'm going to put an end to it

November 18, 2010

when he comes home for the holidays i'm going to put an end to it

How are you going to do that? Dont do anything silly, your too good for that!

November 19, 2010

so back again, with another update.

we continue our reconciliation. she hasn't contacted OM, doesn't think about him, says she loves her life with me more then she ever did and is completely certain that this is where she wants to be, forever.

as our relationship has settled in i find that i allow myself more time to actualize what has happened. as such, i'm still very torn up and hurt by the betrayal. the idea that she gave her heart (and her body) to somebody else is extremely difficult for me to rationalize and let go of.

some days i barely think about it and we're just great. then it'll strike me out of nowhere...."she ****ed someone else...she told someone else she loves him" ... it's extremely hard going to 'get over' these facts, even as committed as she is now. she is willing to do anything to make it right, anything i ask...

i don't bully her with these thoughts... most of the time i just keep it to myself.. i don't want a partner controlled by guilt .. but when she hugs me i hold on a little too tight, i kiss her a little too long, or watch her as she sleeps and realize i still love her too much for what she has done to me.

we've always been on the same page emotionally ... i know her heart is singing for mine right now, because mine is for her .. but on my side i don't want to give into it, cause of those thoughts that keep popping up.

oh yea, and the OM still puts up BS on his facebook constantly about her. she doesn't see any of it, she has him blocked. but i can see it.

when he comes home for the holidays i'm going to put an end to it

I read the whole thread just now.

I smell troll.

Pipeline, if you'r not a troll.

truth is bitter. It might seem ok for a few weeks, outside but trust me, she's gonna do it again.

Almost every member replied to this thread have told you that this b**** you call gf is not worth having. Anyway reading every post in the thread, especially yours, I am forced to say this and sorry.

Your gf is one of the filthiest b***** I ve ever heard of, and she has no respect for you. She is treating like a piece of s****. I dont know why the hell you still want her. Everytime you take her back you are telling her that you are a loser. By now she must be having an impression of you that you are dependent on her in someway and that you will take her back no matter how many guys she f***. You have lost your dignity and self respect by not kicking her out. seriously dude where's your backbone??? How many more times does she have to cheat you and treat you like s**** for you to understand she's a s****

I see you blaming the OM in almost every post of yours. trust me, if OM is to be blamed once it means your gf needs to be blamed 1000 times. Coz she was in a relationship and he was not. I dont think he made her come to him using a pistol. She was willing to go back to him. I bet you if at this time OM would be probably laughing at you calling you a loser, may be your gf is with him, laughing together. Your are moving in the loser's path.

She's one of the worst breed of cheaters. She knows she is wrong, yet she will keep on doing this forever with OM or even with someone else. She is with you in a relationship just for a coverup. You are her safe house. She can f**** anything and come back to you, she knows you will accept her. She is using you and your no better than a lifeless object in her eyes. If you think you can start a family with her..??

Do know this. You are not fighting for a true love or a person who deserves love. You are trying to fight for a s****, with the OM who seems to be real a***** (but no match for your gf). OM is a D** and he deserves to have a b****, so let him have her. Just leave her.

You seem to be a nice person. Dont lose your self respect and dignity. Cause once you lose those your mind itself will start treating you like a loser. You will find better women in the future.

Sorry if my words hurt you but it is no match for the pain your gf's gonna give you if you dont kick her out.

November 19, 2010

@alwayshoping:

i know. it's real tough tho.

this OM strikes me as a guy who does as he pleases and has never really had any real consequences for his actions.

He actively pursued an engaged woman for years...she tried to push him back, time and again. When our relationship started to sour she wanted to run and ran to this guy cause he had always been so damn persistant; always waiting on the wing (being perverted).

She is the one to blame here; of that there is no doubt. But I'm having trouble rationalizing that the only real comeuppance he has gotten out of his part in this is a broken heart when he should have a broken face.

He's a rat continually poking the tiger. It's gotten so nuts with him that i'm not sure I can even hold back my friends anymore when the OM comes back to town.

And I don't mean college friends...i mean my 'i don't care about going back to jail' friends....

@wicar

sorry if i'm coming off as a troll..tbh i had to look that term up just now to get a good hold on what it meant.

i guess maybe i kinda fit that profile in that i'm not listening to all the people here telling me to run from her. Believe me, I am listening...just not doing it...

will she hurt me again? i honestly don't know..everyone here says yes, absolutely...maybe you're all right...but maybe your not.

can people reconcile? can people change their cheating ways?

I've cheated on girlfriends in the past...nothing anywhere near as serious of a relationship as this one, but I have. Does that mean I'm destined to cheat on her? not likely.

she feels terrible about the pain and turmoil she's caused. she weeps about it, sometimes when I'm there, sometimes when she's alone.

She talks to her closest friends about how terrible she feels and how angry she is about what she's done. After next week she's back in therapy to try to deal with her insecurity issues which led to this.

as she does all this and is still 100% faithful, open, and honest, how could I walk away? I know I would be fine on my own within a few months to a year max...but how could I go while she's trying so hard to make it all right?

(@wicar again..if you mean troll in terms of that I'm making all this up then it is incorrect. this has certainly all happened to me, and happens still.)

November 19, 2010

Hey,

Just some advice. My girl left me for another guy. He kept texting her etc. I didn't do anything though. Why? I really believed if she truly loved me then she would stop it. I could have but that's not the way love is meant to be.

I know your angry with him but believe me if he knew he didn't stand a chance then he wouldn't be there. Your girl has clearly given him small drops of hope along the way to keep him interested because guys don't keep going after rejection unless they get glimpses that it may work eventually.

I want to give you advice. But I won't. Right now you know deep down what's best but I have a sneaky suspicion that your supressing it and hoping things can go back to how they used to be.

All the advice has been laid out to you. Your not a troll, your idealistic which is good. But sooner or later your going to wake up, look in the mirror and think do I deserve this? Or do I deserve better? Did I want my life to turn out this way when I was little? Is this the girl I dreamt of?

The girl who makes you happy wont lead other men on. Why? Because she knows no other man can compare and wouldn't risk it for a second.

The fact your girl has you wanting to hit another guy should have you really thinking and soul searching. I read all your posts and know how hard it is for you.

Peoples advice here is all true but it's a bitter pill to swallow. Whether you really try or not your heart will always hurt after what she's done. And believe me, she may have caused the damage but she cannot fix it.

Only you can. And when your ready that perfect girl that adores you will fix the remaining 1% that your unable to fix.

I really wish you the best and my heart goes out to your situation as you seem lovely and genuinely deserve so much better x

November 19, 2010