working our way out of a mess...maybe.

[Pipeline010]

kael you're right, of course.

 

on this topic i just didn't want him to be able to step up and fulfill one of her needs immediately that I have always taken care of for her.

 

she leaves and needs insurance w/in a day and he steps up and looks like a superhero because he takes care of just ONE ****ING THING for her....?

 

i just couldn't let it happen...stupid beyond words, i know.

[Pipeline010]

my anxiety has gone THROUGH the roof...i cannot handle **** or life or anything right now....

 

BOTH her parents have called me wanting to know what the **** is going on.

 

her friends are now calling me wondering what the **** is going on.

 

my friends are calling wondering what the **** is going on.

 

ALL OF THEM cannot figure out what the **** she is doing or why...

 

her father wants to break this OMs legs. he knows im the better man here and can't figure out what his daughter has been doing. he takes care of her cellphone bill for her...she sent 3000 text messages this month!!!! this is not a 12 year old girl!

 

Her mother suggested that she might be on drugs. she has sworn she has hated this OM since back when she knew of him when her daughter was in high school and hates him even more now.

 

her best friend suggested she may be on drugs. she can't figure out why she's treated me this way and how in the name of all that is holy that she could be in ANY way attracted to this guy.

 

my mother, after reading some of her emails to me alongside some of her messages to him, has suggested she must be on drugs. her heartfelt love to me swearing to all in heaven and below that she wants our life to work then meanwhile saying to the OM how much she misses him, hates this, wishes she could be with him.

 

she doesn't return calls to her FAMILY OR FRIENDS!! i haven't alienated her in ANY way, today was the first time i've heard from ANYONE on her side...they all just wanted to know wtf has been going on! she is not reaching out to ANYONE except this OM.

 

WHAT THE ****! I'm losing it!

[GorillaTheater]

Take a breath, man. What she's thinking, what other people are thinking, whether or not she's on drugs, and whether or not she has enough money, none of this is your problem anymore. You have your hands full right now just taking care of yourself.

[Kael]

It doesn't matter what her friends or parents think. The only thing you must do now is move on. If she is on drugs, that's one more reason not to want to be with her.

Edited September 28, 2010 by Kael
double post

[pandagirl]

This girl is a DRUG to you and are you addicted to her. You in just a bad place emotionally as she is with her and her other guy, and both of you are feeding in a really toxic relationship.

 

Try and at least take one week off from talking/seeing/contacting her. You need to gain some perspective. I know it hurts horribly, but you really have to SEE that this woman is destroying you for no other reason than she is messed up. You can't save her.

 

This whole thing has NOTHING to do with you, except for the pain you are causing yourself!

[Billie The Puppet]

This is a serious question that may come off a little wonky but do you think she has complete control of her brain?

 

I mean it's been said the brain tumors can cause humans to think and react different than they normally would. I am not implying she has one at all but it could be a possibility.

[Pipeline010]

Ok so she spent the night last night. Horrible night, basically no love left in those eyes.

 

Today told her it's him or me and that's it. If she chooses him our life ends...our businesses have going out of business sales starting tomorrow and we walk away. I have a meeting with my principal on Friday to request a sabbatical for the school year or semester. My family has properties in Newport beach ca and Florida so I will leave town for a while, possibly for good. My friends are supposrting me leaving actually because they know I won't be able to get through the breakup here.

 

I put in our 30 days at the apartment and she can stay there til the end of the month and keep it going if she likes, with this guy if that gets her rocks off. He has said repeatedly in msgs that he wants to marry her, have kids with her, open stores with her...basically he wants to just take my place in this world.

 

Other optionis that she commits to me and 7 days with no contact at all to him. After 7 days she'll start to feel better, and a week layer she will understand why she's stayed.

 

She says she can't decide. I need a decision. I'm pushing, but I want her to just ****ing MAKE a goddamn choice so we can BOTH move on an grow up. I don't want the responsibility or guilt for what SHE has done!!

[Billie The Puppet]

I can't believe the mess you are in, makes my story feel less of a story.

I can only imagine what you are going through and how much it is hurting.

 

Thing is if the choice was 100% you could you still trust her? A relationship can not survive without it.

 

To me it seems like you have given her so many chances but you still striving to find that girl you once had before she changed to who she is now.

 

I think it's BS when one party in a relationship finds another partner and gets to the point they can't decide between the 2 it's very selfish. You shouldn't be looking if you are in a relationship, nor should you allow anyone else in you should repell them.

[Kael]

You need to quit all this and kick her out of your life. It's clearly over. Quit holding onto the past. Sorry about this whole situation. I feel bad for you...

[Pipeline010]

Found out where she went two nights ago. She went to the beach with him for the night and ****ed him. She had sworn up and down she didn't **** him. nON ****ing STOP lies from her.

 

After I found out it was HER that aggressivly pursues the sex I lost it.

 

'why the **** do you keep saying you want to work things out with me! '

'how the **** could you say you love me then treat me this way!'

'what the fck happened to you!? You are completely heartless!'

 

I lost it in sadness not anger. She woke up one last time and became herself.

 

He's bawling, so sorry for what she's done. She can't go on hurting me and he knows she'll do it again. It needs to end.

 

She's sure it's what she wants and what's best for us. I finally got the decision I wanted out of her.

 

As we're just about dine breaking it off my cell rings. It's our therapist. I swear this guy is psychic or something.

 

I tell him what is happening. He says he thinks that since we tried it together and just couldn't get it to work that we need to separate. He said there is a chance for reconciliaoon here but we need to part ways.

 

I ask him what we need to do to give usbthe best possible chance for reconciliation he says that I need to focus on myself so I can get over this horrible ordeal. He says she needs to meet him for therapy. That she let's her emotions run her life instead of her brains an if has destroyed me her relationship and her life. He needs to learn how to control herself.

 

She agrees to see him tomorrow at 2.

 

We go home, have dinner. Sit on the couch for an hour watching tv. She's sweet. She says she's going to keep a journal while we're apart for us to read together later. I ask her to write her fresh thoughts in there right away before she has contact with him. Then I tell her to read what she wrote after the contact and see how much her thoughts have changed. She agrees.

 

She says she wants the main focus with the counselor to be on how to best keep the OM out of her life so she an heal herself and finD her way back to me. I'd like to belive that.

 

At least now he has to handle ALL her needs. Let's see how this ugly stupid sunnovabotch does without my heavy lifting. She won't be infatuated for much longer. He's a total dork, and he's in for it now.

[BellaBellaBella]

Get tested for std's. Your girl may have been doing him for awhile.

[ALombard]

PIPELINE! Cut and run man, cut and run!

 

You need to stop giving this girl so much leeway when it comes to her screwing around with this other guy. You're holding onto hope, that quite frankly isn't there. She's going to keep doing what she's doing as long as she knows that she will get some sort of reaction from you. It almost sounds like she knows that you can't really cut her out of your life so therefor she will keep pursuing this guy. My ex did the same exact thing, and each time it was after the fact that I just said "f*ck this" and left her, that she actually came to her senses...although obviously it wasn't for very long seeing as she is my ex again.

 

I know how it is to have a life built with someone, I was with my ex for almost 5 years. It is probably the most, painful, anxiety inducing, depressing feeling ever. But it goes away. Eventually you will get to a point where, even if you come back into contact with them, it doesn't affect you as much as you expect.

 

You have a good plan on leaving, move away and start brand new. That's what worked for me, I bought a new car, completely re-designed my room, bought new clothes. I changed my life around drastically so that I wouldn't have reaccuring thoughts about my ex and it worked.

 

Keep your head up and STOP TALKING TO OR SEEING HER!

[Pipeline010]

update:

 

been crashing wherever the past two nights. trying to go places i can just be by myself.

 

her contact with me has been frequent. she misses me terribly, hates that this is happening, is very sure we'll reconcile in the future...

 

she had a couple hits of contact that has already started to blow her image of the OM. he has been frantic and crazy to see her since this decision and she has been pushing back...she had to yell at him. he also emailed one of her and my friends to ask where she was one night. the OM has never met this girl, he got her email off facebook.

 

had a conversation with one of her friends that i don't really know all that well. me and her have never really spoken much (ill call her 'D'). I was covering one of my stores which is right next to Ds while my ex was at therapy. D stopped by and asked me how I was. We started talking and she started telling me how my ex is totally in the wrong here, shes beyond confused and she will come to her senses eventually. D also said how much of a loser jerk she thinks this guy is. I have NEVER even spoken to D before about any of this, but she probably knows more about my relationships ending than I do.

 

i slept at my flagship store last night. my ex came there to grab some petty cash for groceries and found me there. we talked very briefly and she came in to kiss me on the cheek which turned into a makeout session initiated by her. passionate or faked very well at least.

 

she texted me a few times at night...i tried to wait 20-30m between her text and my response. the last one of the night was this:

 

'i'm sorry he was such a c u n t to you.'

 

me > 'meh. he's a joke. i don't know why i let it bother me so much.'

me > 'but its nice to hear you see it'

 

her > ' yea i know but it bothers me. sorry i didn't show it'

 

so on the surface it looks like shes coming around and the tides may be shifting.

 

but i woke this morning and remembered all her lies. i remembered how she signed her messages to him 'your sally.' i remembered how she told him she'd love HIM forever and he'd always be in her heart...the same **** she is telling me now.

 

so this morning i believe shes playing both sides equally. i need to cut contact...i'm leaving for a 2-4 week trip to europe asap. have about 5grand to blow...our safety nest egg i was holding for our life.

 

life...seriously...****ing...sucks...

[ALombard]

Good! Pipeline, you're heading in the right direction by leaving for a few weeks. When it comes to her playing both sides equally, she most likely is. What she wants right now is to have her cake and eat it too. This "relationship" with her new guy is still relatively new so she will be holding onto you until she sees how it works out with him. I like to relate this situation to finding a new job, if you're not happy with a current employer what is the smartest option? Quit and then wait to see if you can find a better job knowing that you may be unemployed for a while. Or do you stay in your current position while looking until you have a better thing locked down?

 

You are smart to have caught that early on. I have to be blunt with you and also ask you something. First, the blunt part. In my experience when it comes to these types of situations, I have found that even if the guilty party was to come back it is EXTREMELY hard to get over the trust issues that will be lingering, that and anger will most likely poke their heads out which can in turn damage the future of your relationship. So think about that real quick. Now my question.

 

Looking at the situation for what it is right now, and please, try to put aside the image you have of your ex as she was and look at her as she is now. Is she really worth it? When I say that I am trying to have that phrase be multi-faceted. Is she really worth the pain your feeling now? Is she really worth the stress? Is she really worth going back to her IF or WHEN she has finally stopped talking to this new guy? These are things you really need to think about.

 

Most of the time, about 99% of the time it is a lot easier to just move on and start a new relationship. You won't have any bad lingering thoughts towards them, you won't look at them as a liar or cheater, and in all honesty after five years you will find someone new to be a fresh, eye opening experience.

 

Remember, there are plenty of women out there. So don't think your ex was your shining beacon of hope for a happy life.

[Pipeline010]

ALom~

 

i totally hear you. i do believe she is playing both sides and I need to just cut contact as much as possible..we are forced into LC because of our businesses but I can keep that business only (i hope). I need to start moving on.

 

She has been freaking about my europe trip. She actually had the audacity to ALMOST say she was upset about the thought of me sleeping with women when I was over there...that she didn't want to think or hear about it. This was after I told her to protect herself because this OM is pretty desperate to hold onto her and would surely try to get one by the goalie just to hold onto her..NO QUESTION.

 

But I told her to protect herself and I would do the same. SHe immediately clammed up super upset about the thought that I would need to do that..she's now fixated on the pain of me being with another girl sexually.

 

I ALMOST blew my ****ing stack all over her ****ing slut ass face when she started with this BS. I am goddoamn mahatma ghandi for keeping myself composed. I instead said 'i'm not going to europe to slam chicks...i am going to focus on myself..the idea of being with a woman, any woman, right now makes me feel violently ill....i just don't see it happening.'

 

she responded with 'i know how it works, you'll be partying and drinking with girls and it'll just happen.'

 

I did not blow up on her...i kept calm and collected and strong...so allow me if you please...

 

YOU ****ING SLUT WHORE!!! HOW ****ING DARE YOU QUESTION MY ****ING FIDELITY AND MY SENSE OF SELF WORTH. YOU ARE ****ING TRASH AND NOT WORTH AN OUNCE OF MY ****ING RESPECT OR LOVE. YOU'VE BEEN ****ING RIDING THIS UGLY MOTHER****ERS COCK FOR A GODDAMN MONTH OR ****ING MORE AND LYING TO ME ABOUT IT. YOU ****ING RUINED OUR LIFE AND OUR FUTURE FAMILY. YOU ARE THE ****ING DISGUSTING PERVERT HERE WITH NO ****ING SELF RESPECT NOT ME. GO CRAWL BACK TO YOUR UGLY ****ER AND ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL ****ING SEX LIFE YOU HEARTLESS BITCH.

 

but i didn't say that...i calmly said that that wasn't what i was looking for.

 

now to the next part of your comment, why would i want to take her back?

 

for now? i love her like crazy...she still holds my heart 100%. i'm holding on hope for reconciliation and she says the same thing. She says she doesn't see a future with this guy at all but does see one with me. Cruel ****, I know, but that is where my head is at.

 

Historically when i've been wronged by a girl i turn and i turn hard. My last ex told me she was leaving i begged her to stay...she left....the very next time i saw her i said 2 words at most to her and she asked that we still be friends...i simply shook my head, handed her her box of crap and walked away. she contacted me a few times over the years and i have never said a word back..that relationship lasted 3 years.

 

i'm sure i sound like an insane person but i truly have never believed in love or perfect connection until i met this girl. i never wanted marriage, kids, a family like i have with her..and she wanted it too. we simply didn't protect ourselves properly from the people in the world that try to get at people like us. we both accepted that, and have discussed how we would/will do things differently in the future if reconciliation is possible.

 

will i feel the same way in 3-4 weeks? honestly, i hope so...but i'm not sure. i'm fighting my supreme anger because it is really really ugly. i love her, i wronged her too. i just never cheated. this crap is 1000000000000% her fault but the flaws in our protection of our relationship falls on both of us.

[cuore_depresso]

Good luck pipeline..that is all I can say. Yes it would be "easier" in a sense to move on, but as I saw someone else on this forum say, no one is actually in your shoes, no one is in your heart but you and this girl....can you make this work? It is possible...gonna be damn hard, but it is possible, though I must say, she has GOT to decide on which man she wants. You cannot even have a chance to work on things if he is still in her heart (and other parts).

[Pipeline010]

texts this morning....

 

she says morning...i wait about an hour, tell her morning along with something horrible that happened last night to a kid at our school (national news).

 

she responds to that...then says

 

'do you not want me to send you messages?'

 

me > (after 1+ hour) 'sure why not?'

 

her > (immediate) 'i dont know. just dont want to bother you.'

 

how do i respond to this? she is reaching out to me, she loves me..shes not ready to let me go...but i also know she'll be in this OMs arms before i'll ever see her in mine again.

 

help?

[Kael]

You must let her go. It's beyond hope.

 

You need to take a BREAK from this entire situation. No contact, no pining away. Get over her. Give it a month or so. See how things are after that.

 

 

She is totally confused. She wants the OM, but wants you there in case things don't work out with him. She straight up cheated on you. She is NOT the girl you love. She changed.

 

The advice I have been giving you since you originally posted is the same: dump her and go NC. You are NOT in the right state of mind to work on a relationship. Neither is she.

 

Seriously bro, it's done. She doesn't love you enough to change her ways. She doesn't love you enough to get rid of the OM. She lied to you. Cheated on you. Hid things from you. And, the worst part? She did it MORE THAN ONCE.

 

Stop acting like she is the one. The "one" wouldn't treat you like a #2. The "one" wouldn't cheat on you, lie to you, or crush your entire life.

 

 

 

As far as her texts go...

 

SHE JUST WANTS ATTENTION. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. SHE ISN'T MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. SHE IS SELFISH AND ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry I am being tough. But you need to see what everyone has been seeing since you first posted. This girl is NOT good for you. Maybe sometime in the DISTANT future. But, not now...

[BellaBellaBella]

Perhaps you need to cut contact and let her see how well her emotional needs will be met by OM.

 

Also to get released from some angst of the situation.

[Pipeline010]

So we officially separated Wednesday. That night she stayed at our place while I couch surfed. She saw the therapist solo the next day.

 

He told her she should spend some time alone to focus on being insependant but also to see the other man a few times a week. I know the therapists intention was that he forces herself to really see this guy without any interference from me so she can face what she's done.

 

The last two nights he has spent with him. So 2/3 nights we've been split she's been with him. I'm petrified she's forgotten me already...why am I so easy to replace? She declared on Thursday night that I had been the best thing that ever happened to her and that we were the most perfect match to eachother. That she cannot see a real future with this OM.

 

I'm staying out of town all weekend. Last night went out with friends at the beach. Left them at the bar cause I started bugging out (I did NOT drink). Walking home I imagines getting mugged and shot and killed. Just imagining it made my anxiety go away, I was wishing for it so much.

Came back to the house upset, wishing I didn't have to be here, that this place was not where I was meant to be. That I should be home with her sipping coffee, watching movies or playing games or going for a walk or making love.

 

My life is in shambles and I can't see a reason for it all.

[BellaBellaBella]

I can't believe the therapist would tell her to spend time with the other man. I can see him telling her to be by herself and get her head on straight.

 

I think she blew bubbles in your face. Sorry to hear this news.

 

Go no contact, have her give an intermederary news about the business

Edited October 3, 2010 by BellaBellaBella
made a mistake

[ALombard]

Pipeline, I have a few things to say.

 

First to your response to my previous post.

 

The reason your ex started getting uncomfortable and jealous when it came to your Europe trip is simple, she's jealous. My ex used to do the same thing to me. She would break up with me and start seeing some new guy, we would still talk, but then as soon as she found out I was seeing someone else as well or that I hooked up with another girl she would always become angry and hurt. See, some women are like that. They find it perfectly ok to screw around on you but as soon as you move on they want you back.

 

Honestly, you messed up by telling her that going out and getting with some random girls wasn't your plan, you should've just stayed silent.

 

As far as you saying how you almost wish for someone to kill you. That scares me because I was honestly in the same boat a few months ago. I would wake up wanting to just get hit my a car or to fall asleep and never wake up, the pain, I thought, was unbearable.

 

Listen to me again, you will be okay. It doesn't seem like it now but the only way you will ever be able to get through this is to STOP TALKING TO HER! It worked for me. You may one day be able to talk to her again without feeling pain but right now you can't do it.

[Pipeline010]

Bunch of texts from her yesterday. I sent a response to one. They started around the time she would get to work (ie she had left his house).

 

'it's a beautiful day for the beach, I hope you are having fun'

(no response. 10 m go by)

'how do we fix this'

me > 'we will'

 

(10 h go by. She's now at home alone. Late but still early enough to go running to him if she feels like it).

'every song I hear makes me think of you'

'i'm sorry'

'i wish I let more of my psychoness out when I was upset'

(after 1more hour)

'i hope you are safe. Thinking about you'

'i'm sorry. I'll stop'

 

only the one response 'we will' from me.

[Pipeline010]

came home from the beach yesterday. went to work my flagship store and ended up going down and sitting with her for 2 hours talking. i KNOW we should be avoiding eachother 100%. we both agreed that that's what we SHOULD be doing. but we both also said we are drawn to eachother and it's really hard to step away.

 

here are some revelations she let out to me...

 

she doesn't love him and never did.

she said she has no idea what was going on with her head. she said it was a perversion of the word to use it to describe it about him and wishes she had never used it. she doesn't say it to him even tho he continues to use it to her.

 

she sees no future with him

she wants him to just move away as soon as possible (he is moving out of state in about 30 days). I told her its a huge character flaw or that shes lying to me that she can't just deal with it now. she says every time she's with him it's on the tip of her tongue to break it off, she just can't do it yet.

 

she sees our future again

she sees us reconciling and having the life we dreamed of together. we both just need time to get over what has happened here and then a lot of work to focus on what went wrong in our relationship. but she does say that her and I have a unique and special connection that is extremely unique in the world.

 

she is seeing how crazy he is

we talked for 2 hours yesterday. in that time he sent her 18 text messages.

 

she is missing me all the time, not missing him

 

she recognizes how much a damn lunatic she was being

she had kept a journal of her thoughts about him when she was trying to stay away from him. at one point i got my hand on it and read it. VERY hurtful stuff in there. she brought up that journal unbeknownst that I had seen it and said if i HAD read it to not think anything about what was written in there. that she was like a crack addict when she wrote those things and when she reads it now she is blown away about how messed up she was.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

we both agreed we still need more time. we described yesterday as a pit stop in our separation. we both want reconciliation. just need time on both sides.

[Pipeline010]

messaged me asking me to meet her for coffee on a break today.

 

she ended it with him last night on her own terms. she told him she wants time to be alone so that she can focus on the reconciliation and correction of our (mine and her) relationship.

 

i'm wary/cautious but optimistic. we still need time alone to be sure but I think it's getting obvious where things will be headed within a month.

 

i just gotta find a way to get over this mess. and then on to fixing what was wrong to begin with.