cans0329 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) I was in a relationship for 6 years that ended 4 months ago. I suspected over the 6 years that he maybe had been spending some time with another girl. I asked several times and he always denied it and said we are just good friends. Not to get into the details of why I suspected something was going on but I was almost certain that there was some connection more than just a friendship that I was seeing. I was at his house one day before we broke up and saw a password written on his desk. I suspected it was a password to his email account and possibly his cell phone account. When I got home later that day I pondered if I should try to get into his email expecting that maybe I would get the answers to my questions by seeing his email exchanges with her and/or see his phone activity between them. So I did just that. There were many email exchanges between them and more phone activity than there should have been with someone he claims to be just friends with. Some of the calls and text messaging between them happened late night. Some of those late nights were after him and I where arguing. He found out that I had been in his email and his cell phone account Here is my question: If you suspected your boyfriend of 6 years may have been unfaithful to you but he continued over the years to deny it and you had the opportunity to get into his email account or his cell phone account to see if you could get the answers would you do it? Edited September 21, 2010 by cans0329 error
quankanne Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 depends on whether I wanted validation because I was planning to break up, or if I just wanted ammo to use against him to keep the relationship going (i.e., a kind of blackmail). I don't really care to snoop in other people's private domain, but if I was intent on leaving the relationship, then I'd definitely look for validation for my decision.
BB07 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I was in a relationship for 6 years that ended 4 months ago. I suspected over the 6 years that he maybe had been spending some time with another girl. I asked several times and he always denied it and said we are just good friends. Not to get into the details of why I suspected something was going on but I was almost certain that there was some connection more than just a friendship that I was seeing. I was at his house one day before we broke up and saw a password written on his desk. I suspected it was a password to his email account and possibly his cell phone account. When I got home later that day I pondered if I should try to get into his email expecting that maybe I would get the answers to my questions by seeing his email exchanges with her and/or see his phone activity between them. So I did just that. There were many email exchanges between them and more phone activity than there should have been with someone he claims to be just friends with. Some of the calls and text messaging between them happened late night. Some of those late nights were after him and I where arguing. He found out that I had been in his email and his cell phone account Here is my question: If you suspected your boyfriend of 6 years may have been unfaithful to you but he continued over the years to deny it and you had the opportunity to get into his email account or his cell phone account to see if you could get the answers would you do it? If I had suspected such for 6 years, I sure wouldn't have waited all that time before I confirmed or disproved it. Sometimes you have to get the truth and you shouldn't feel bad about how you did it.
Minnie09 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Yes I would. You asked him. He lied to you. You verified that he lied. How did he find out you checked his e-mail and phone account? If he broke up with you over this, it's probably because he wants to avoid confrontation. It's cowardish behavior, but happens quite frequently. Or, he has been in this A and didn't want to break up with you, in order to avoid being the bad guy. Now you gave him a reason to end it.
2sure Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Ive done it and I'll tell you snooping is a demeaning and usually unnecessary thing. If you suspect, trust your gut and dont wait for details. If you are anxious about your relationship - your partner has to help you solve that. Openly. But Ive done it. Ive helped others do it. To me, it depends on how much you have invested in the relationship. If you are married or have children, or have assets together , or are dependent on your partner in some way....betrayal can affect your LIFE, your logistics - not just hurt your feelings. If the risks affect me in serious ways, yes. I'd look. So that I could make decisions based on reality.
Author cans0329 Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 He found out because I confided with a girl i was friends with and she got angry at me about something between her and i and called him and spilled her knowledge to him. Obviously we are not friends any longer.
donnamaybe Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Okay, a question: Were any of the e-mails between those two inappropriate? You said they were numerous, but you never said they discussed anything in an intimate way.
Author cans0329 Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Asking to get together to go out and these only occurred when he was not speaking to me. One was her responding she couldnt cuz she was leaving for florida the next day for vaca and his response was bummer, but cant wait to see your tan lines when you get back.Some where just sharing personal information with her that I thought I was the only one that knew. He would respond to EVERY single email she would send him. He would respond to 1 out of my 5. Mine were just hey whats up told him how my day was or ask him what was up for the weekend, or something about our kids. I only emailed because i work some late nights and couldnt call as he would of been sleeping. So we communicated through email a lot, or at least I did.
flutterbya Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I was in a relationship for 6 years that ended 4 months ago. I suspected over the 6 years that he maybe had been spending some time with another girl. I asked several times and he always denied it and said we are just good friends. Not to get into the details of why I suspected something was going on but I was almost certain that there was some connection more than just a friendship that I was seeing. I was at his house one day before we broke up and saw a password written on his desk. I suspected it was a password to his email account and possibly his cell phone account. When I got home later that day I pondered if I should try to get into his email expecting that maybe I would get the answers to my questions by seeing his email exchanges with her and/or see his phone activity between them. So I did just that. There were many email exchanges between them and more phone activity than there should have been with someone he claims to be just friends with. Some of the calls and text messaging between them happened late night. Some of those late nights were after him and I where arguing. He found out that I had been in his email and his cell phone account Here is my question: If you suspected your boyfriend of 6 years may have been unfaithful to you but he continued over the years to deny it and you had the opportunity to get into his email account or his cell phone account to see if you could get the answers would you do it? Probably different than the majority on here but if I smell smoke....I go lookin for the fire!!! So yep...I would snoop...I figure if it is ok for him to be sneaky, then it is ok for me too!!! After all he has set the standards, right?
donnamaybe Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Asking to get together to go out and these only occurred when he was not speaking to me. One was her responding she couldnt cuz she was leaving for florida the next day for vaca and his response was bummer, but cant wait to see your tan lines when you get back.Some where just sharing personal information with her that I thought I was the only one that knew. He would respond to EVERY single email she would send him. He would respond to 1 out of my 5. Mine were just hey whats up told him how my day was or ask him what was up for the weekend, or something about our kids. I only emailed because i work some late nights and couldnt call as he would of been sleeping. So we communicated through email a lot, or at least I did.I wouldn't be happy about the content of those, no. And from what you say, he jumps at the chance at communication with her and only occasionally responds to your messages. If I were you, I wouldn't care WHAT he thought of what you did. I'd dump his arse and find someone who wants to pay attention to ME! Obviously, you did the right thing by snooping. He certainly wasn't offering up the info on his own.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 i have done it, and the reason was because i knew it was still going on and i needed the confirmation to give me the kick in the butt to finally end it- i had moved out, but was still being a twit and hanging on by shear hope. and i figured out his password- it wasn't hard- the street we lived on.... so in my eyes he really wasn't trying to hide anything if it were easy enough for me to figure out.
turnera Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 A couple should have no secrets. If he gave you reason to suspect, then you have the right to snoop. As would he, on you.
Mimolicious Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 A "boyfriend"- Fack'em... NEXT!!!!!! A "H"- maybe, because I would need the proof for divorcing his azz. OH wait, I did that already. Seriously, if it smells like fish, most likely it IS fish! If he was reaching out to some chick late at night and when you and him were having issues, this was not just a "homegirl".
YellowShark Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) I'm a guy... hope that doesn't disqualify me! I was in a 7-year relationship and at year 4 I snooped. Why? All the red flags were evident. She was on the computer day and night, she would never let me see what she was doing on the computer. She always minimized the window when I came into the room, she cleared cookies. Her demeanor changed towards me, she never let her cell phone out of her sight and would take it from the kitchen to the bedroom to the deck, etc. I asked her repeatedly if "something was going on," she consistently replied "No... why do you ask?" I said because "You are exhibiting all the characteristics of someone who is being unfaithful and it is bothering me." Then she gaslit me saying "I was too controlling... I had trust issues I needed to deal with.." So I figured since she was being deceptive I needed to kick it up a notch and do what I had to do to find the truth. So I installed a keylogger and within 2 days had pages of lovey dovey sexual emails with her AP. But fate played it's hand. The same day I was going to confront her with the keylogger log I was on the computer working on a word document and I cut'n pasted... Alas what I pasted wasn't what I cut. It was "Can't wait to see you Thursday...xoxoxoxoxox." So I asked her to come over to the PC and showed it to her. She went white as a ghost and I said, "Well I KNOW that isn't for me..." So I packed my bags the next day. She came home from work and we talked. We decided to work it out and went to therapy together. We set goals and boundaries. Things seemed fine after that. But, two years later she cheated again. This time I was out the door in 4 days flat. That's my story. {edited to add..} During the therapy sessions she tried to make a HUGE deal about how awful I was to install a keylogger, how "I" broke the trust in our relationship, etc...etc. The Therapist didn't fall for her gaslighting. Just an FYI. Edited September 21, 2010 by YellowShark
TinaniT Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I don't think snooping is ever appropriate because you trust your partner or you don't. They shouldn't hide anything from you. So snooping is bad, so if you go snooping and you don't find anything then you deserve whatever is coming to you, losing the relationship, anger, whatever. However, if you go snooping and you find that he or she has been cheating, your snooping is overshadowed by the preexisting lies and cheating. And either the relationship is over, and it doesn't matter on either of your parts, or he should have more important things to do than complaining about you cheating, like kissing your ass and dedicating himself to making it up to you and earning your forgiveness.
turnera Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I don't think snooping is ever appropriate because you trust your partner or you don't. They shouldn't hide anything from you. So snooping is bad, so if you go snooping and you don't find anything then you deserve whatever is coming to you, losing the relationship, anger, whatever. However, if you go snooping and you find that he or she has been cheating, your snooping is overshadowed by the preexisting lies and cheating. And either the relationship is over, and it doesn't matter on either of your parts, or he should have more important things to do than complaining about you cheating, like kissing your ass and dedicating himself to making it up to you and earning your forgiveness. Um...so how do you suggest to find OUT that they are cheating if you don't snoop? Ask them?
donnamaybe Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Um...so how do you suggest to find OUT that they are cheating if you don't snoop? Ask them? Well, sure. Hadn't you heard? Cheaters are REEEALLLLY honest people!
hopesndreams Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I wouldn't be happy about the content of those, no. And from what you say, he jumps at the chance at communication with her and only occasionally responds to your messages. If I were you, I wouldn't care WHAT he thought of what you did. I'd dump his arse and find someone who wants to pay attention to ME! Obviously, you did the right thing by snooping. He certainly wasn't offering up the info on his own. PERFECT! Follow it and live it!
What_Next Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Another guy here, I also hope it doesn't disqualify me. If the signs are there and your gut is telling you something, then do what you must. Be prepared for a bunch of outcomes. 1. Confirmed cheater, be prepared for what you will do. 2. Confirmed faithful, would you snoop the next time you suspect? 3. Get caught snooping, be prepared for him losing trust in you. In my case I used a combination of snooping, diversion tactics and trickery to discover her A. Although I think I knew once it got serious for her. My advice, if the doubts are THAT large? Talk first, then trust your gut.
wheelwright Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I was in a relationship for 6 years that ended 4 months ago. I suspected over the 6 years that he maybe had been spending some time with another girl. I asked several times and he always denied it and said we are just good friends. Not to get into the details of why I suspected something was going on but I was almost certain that there was some connection more than just a friendship that I was seeing. I was at his house one day before we broke up and saw a password written on his desk. I suspected it was a password to his email account and possibly his cell phone account. When I got home later that day I pondered if I should try to get into his email expecting that maybe I would get the answers to my questions by seeing his email exchanges with her and/or see his phone activity between them. So I did just that. There were many email exchanges between them and more phone activity than there should have been with someone he claims to be just friends with. Some of the calls and text messaging between them happened late night. Some of those late nights were after him and I where arguing. He found out that I had been in his email and his cell phone account Here is my question: If you suspected your boyfriend of 6 years may have been unfaithful to you but he continued over the years to deny it and you had the opportunity to get into his email account or his cell phone account to see if you could get the answers would you do it? Why ever not?
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I think it has to do with the type of relationship you have..If a person wants to be exclusive with one person only, then they must be an open book... No longer are emails, text, a private matter unless its a surprise birthday party...Other than that, everything you do should be available at all times, nothing should be hid or done in secret... Make it as difficult as possible to cheat, that way they will know that at any given time your lover can check to see whats up.... Snooping is when your neighbors come over and look in your medicine cabinet. Keeping guard on your heart has no price.... It doesn't mean you don't trust them, it means you are protecting what is yours.... Should we add in the Marriage Vows You can have access to anything but not my emails, or passwords?? Cheating occurs when you least expect it. Tell your partner before you become exclusive that you don't want them to snoop,or know your passwords...If my wife or girlfriend said that to me, I would show her the door....
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Ive done it and I'll tell you snooping is a demeaning and usually unnecessary thing. If you suspect, trust your gut and dont wait for details. If you are anxious about your relationship - your partner has to help you solve that. Openly. But Ive done it. Ive helped others do it. To me, it depends on how much you have invested in the relationship. If you are married or have children, or have assets together , or are dependent on your partner in some way....betrayal can affect your LIFE, your logistics - not just hurt your feelings. If the risks affect me in serious ways, yes. I'd look. So that I could make decisions based on reality. I agree with this statement...If you lived together, chances are you both go to the mailbox and get the mail... That being said, if I went to the mailbox outside my home, and opened the mailbox, got the mail and noticed a handwritten envelope to my wife, and it came daily, I would be curious to see what it was... If my wife told me I couldnt get the mail, I would think that was strange...The problem with couples today is they need to have the same email, the same phone numbers, the same bank accounts.... Having a secret mailbox is a huge red flag, and it gives the person not only a chance to cheat, but an outlet to do it without leaving their homes....
Spark1111 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 There is NO RIGHT to secrecy in an intimate relationship. If you are feeling uncertain and insecure about your SO's relationship with a "friend," you should express that. And your SO, if they care about your feelings, should do everything in their power to reassure you, including opening up their emails in front of you or providing you with their passwords. Imagine that? Because people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I have snooped when my gut told me I was being smokescreened. And I usually found what I had been suspecting all along.
Hazyhead Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I would certainly snoop if past behaviour told me there may be something being hidden. Seeing it from the other side amazes me that there would be unquestioned trust in a situation that leads to doubt. The wife of my xMM is still being gaslighted and believes a reconciliation may be possible; all she wants is to see effort from him. However, all it would take is to check his phone statement to see all the texts and calls he has made to my phone number trying to reinstate some kind of R with me. There is usually something there if the gut tells you so.
Recommended Posts