Crush

[Atilla the Hungry]

A former student contacted me about jointly publishing a piece of work she had prepared as an assignment while a student. We had discussed this at the time, but she hadn't done anything about it back then. After she graduated, a colleague told me she had had a crush on me, and was always asking him about how I was. I was going through a divorce at the time and was completely oblivious to her interest, and was surprised when the colleague told me about it.

 

I am now happily remarried and have no interest in any contact with the student, and so her contact has taken me by surprise. I know that she has done some work with my ex-wife and so is probably aware that I have divorced, though possibly not that I have remarried. Had I not known of the "crush" I would simply have responded to the request as to any request from a former student, but I feel awkward about this now. I would rather not be involved in her publishing the work, although it is expected of me as her former supervisor to co-author the article so that the university gets the credit it is due.

 

It seems such a silly thing, but I worry that discussing it with my wife might give her cause to worry. Alternately, not mentioning it to her and having her find out from my colleague, who is a social friend of ours, may worry her more. Does anyone have any advice?

[xxoo]

It seems such a silly thing, but I worry that discussing it with my wife might give her cause to worry. Alternately, not mentioning it to her and having her find out from my colleague, who is a social friend of ours, may worry her more. Does anyone have any advice?

 

In my relationship, we would tell each other.

 

From my pov, openness builds trust and intimacy. If you can comfortably confide in your partner about a colleague that has a crush on you, that will ultimately serve to "affair-proof" your marriage. I know you aren't attracted to this particular woman, but I am talking about getting in the practice of openly communicating with and confiding in your partner, so that those lines of communication will be open in the event that there ever IS a colleague crush that might tempt you, or her.

 

Almost always, when someone comes to a message board with the question "should I tell my spouse?", my answer is "Yes." Your partner should be the first person you talk to about your problems. And, we can only get better at communication if we practice the tougher conversations.

 

You may be surprised. Your wife may not be concerned about this crush at all, and might instead feel a sense of pride (and a rush of lust ) to be married to such a desirable man

[denise_xo]

A former student contacted me about jointly publishing a piece of work she had prepared as an assignment while a student. We had discussed this at the time, but she hadn't done anything about it back then. After she graduated, a colleague told me she had had a crush on me, and was always asking him about how I was. I was going through a divorce at the time and was completely oblivious to her interest, and was surprised when the colleague told me about it.

 

I am now happily remarried and have no interest in any contact with the student, and so her contact has taken me by surprise. I know that she has done some work with my ex-wife and so is probably aware that I have divorced, though possibly not that I have remarried. Had I not known of the "crush" I would simply have responded to the request as to any request from a former student, but I feel awkward about this now. I would rather not be involved in her publishing the work, although it is expected of me as her former supervisor to co-author the article so that the university gets the credit it is due.

 

It seems such a silly thing, but I worry that discussing it with my wife might give her cause to worry. Alternately, not mentioning it to her and having her find out from my colleague, who is a social friend of ours, may worry her more. Does anyone have any advice?

 

I don't know what room for maneuver you have on this, but where I'm faculty it happens that the co-authoring is 'outsourced' from the supervisor to another relevant faculty member. Obviously the norm is the supervisor doing the co-publishing, but legitimate grounds for that not to happen could be supervisor has too busy teaching/research schedule, is on a sabbatical, is doing field work etc (in short, has too much on that particular semester), combined with there being another faculty available that had research interests similar to that of the student (could also be a PhD student taking it on). Is this an option for you?

 

If you can't get out of it, in my opinion your job as a faculty is just to do your job - i.e. supervise the development of this article in your normal professional manner (I'm writing this assuming she will not behave 'inappropriately' during this process). Presumably a lot of that process could be done by email without face to face meetings.

 

As for your wife: my partner has had several 'expressions of interests' from his students and it's never bothered me because I know that they pose no threat to me. I think those kind of things just occasionally come with the job. I would be a bit surprised if your wife really minds, unless she has any other reasons to doubt your commitment to her. I've always believed and trusted my husband when he's told me of these situations (like you, he feels distressed by them). I've also usually known the students in question, and it's been pretty clear to me without much further elabouration that it's not something he would have pursued.

[2sure]

Tell your wife everything you just said here and see what she thinks. Telling your wife will take the power/anxiety/uncomfortableness out of the whole thing - you'll see.