Regaining self esteem

[love4me2c]

Regaining self esteem

First, let me say I am not perfect. My husband had an affair and as a result I had 2 revenge affairs. I have been on the fence about a separation for some time even before my husband had an affair. We are in marriage counseling now and we have a really good therapist and I think we can make this work. My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband.

 

The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose. I want to, but I'm drawn back to it over and over. I have come to realize that what I like is the attention I am receiving from these men. That I'm pretty, sexy etc. I know this doesn't replace love and true commitment.

 

I think the affair just killed my self esteem and I am trying to find validation of my attractiveness. I often wonder what the OW looked like - was she prettier than me? Did he stray because I'm not attractive and pretty?

 

Obviously, I need to stop what I'm doing. My husband has caught me repeatedly chatting with other men. Knowing I'm communicating with the AP he thought I was finished with etc.

 

I love my husband. I love my family. When/how can I work on this self esteem thing or is my marriage just over? Am I just too damaged from all of this to repair the marriage? I feel like maybe we just need to end it and both start our lives over. We have the whole nine yards, children, house, etc..

 

I'd like some advice here. I feel terrible about my own behavior. I feel like I just deserve for my marriage to be over and for me to lose everything I've built. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hurting my family, but I cannot seem to stop either. Help...

[aeh]

First off, I am sorry what you are going through. Second, I have walked in your shoes. Read my posts - the whole crazy lot of them. I had a RA and talked to many men on the side as a part of my healing process. It was a good six months before I started to reel it back in again and feel some semblance of normal life. There was no reasoning with me. Intellectually and morally I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I was on a quest...for I don't know what. Self esteem? Was that how I had to get it? Apparently so, which is RIDICULOUS!! But that's where I was and I can't go back and change it. It wasn't right, but it's what happened. Many people on here told me to divorce my husband, get more counseling, etc. In some ways I actually think I was trying to subconsciously blow apart my marriage even though I knew my husband is/was the best thing for me. I "hated" him and I "hated" myself. Really, my motto was "Come what may" or "whatever happens, happens". Part of me longed to be in a happy marriage and part of me only cared about making myself feel better. The attention was intoxicating and it was the only thing that made me feel better about myself. I think that outsiders would definitely have predicted that we were headed for divorce. I think I was almost daring for that to happen because I really found it hard to care for anything anymore. From the outside I have this "perfect" life - a huge house in a ritzy part of town, two great kids, and a husband who had always doted on me. I was absolutely willing to roll the dice and if I ended up in an apartment anywhere else in town without my husband that was fine by me! I was miserable inside, but there was enough "thrill" in it and excitement to continue down that path.

 

You can stop this. End the conversations now. Focus on your marriage. You and I have no right to dwell on their affairs after we have engaged in our own affairs. You are better than this.

[love4me2c]

I have taken the steps to end all contact. I also feel guilty and ashamed. I cannot believe what I did. I'm a terrible wife. This is not like me. I'm not a bad person. I never cheated before and never even thought about it until he did. I now feel like I'm damaged goods. I cannot imagine how my husband can even stand looking at me now. I guess he probably feels guilty that he started it all. I'm glad someone out there experienced this, too. I feel so out of control....

[aeh]

Don't beat yourself up about it. That won't help anything. But you can focus on removing yourself from the toxicity of it (the other men) and from not allowing yourself to dwell on your husband's affair either. For me, it was a vicious circle. How long has it been since D-Day of your husband's affair? How long did your RAs last? What is the timeline of all of this?

[kevinm1019]

Regaining self esteem

First, let me say I am not perfect. My husband had an affair and as a result I had 2 revenge affairs. I have been on the fence about a separation for some time even before my husband had an affair. We are in marriage counseling now and we have a really good therapist and I think we can make this work. My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband.

 

The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose. I want to, but I'm drawn back to it over and over. I have come to realize that what I like is the attention I am receiving from these men. That I'm pretty, sexy etc. I know this doesn't replace love and true commitment.

 

I think the affair just killed my self esteem and I am trying to find validation of my attractiveness. I often wonder what the OW looked like - was she prettier than me? Did he stray because I'm not attractive and pretty?

 

Obviously, I need to stop what I'm doing. My husband has caught me repeatedly chatting with other men. Knowing I'm communicating with the AP he thought I was finished with etc.

 

I love my husband. I love my family. When/how can I work on this self esteem thing or is my marriage just over? Am I just too damaged from all of this to repair the marriage? I feel like maybe we just need to end it and both start our lives over. We have the whole nine yards, children, house, etc..

 

I'd like some advice here. I feel terrible about my own behavior. I feel like I just deserve for my marriage to be over and for me to lose everything I've built. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hurting my family, but I cannot seem to stop either. Help...

The thing which had/has been difficult for me is knowing what lengths my significant other went to in pursuit of her affair. I was under the illusion our lives were good and I was giving her the things she needed. The truth of the matter is... she enjoys the attention she receives outside of our relationship because she doesn't feel good about herself. Why? She's gained weight... our relationship was "normal"... and everything felt routine. She got a huge thrill out of someone else wanting her and the pursuit behind the affair. She let the other man know she was looking for something different and was willing to let the other man do whatever he pleased with her as long as her significant other or family did not find out. The sad part of it all is she actually placed this individual on a pedistal and believed their relationship was a relationship of substance. The truth of the matter was if you are willing to give something away for free... most people will take it.

 

When discovered... I thought she had come to her senses but things became worse because she decided to replace her affair partner with a very good friend of mine... or someone I thought was a good friend. Although she claims she did not have sex with my friend... she shared very intimate conversations with him... texted him... etc. Her explanation... "I thought it would be ok since you had already spoken with him about my affair." As I shared with her, "why would you think following the discovery of your affair it would be appropriate for you or my friend to speak with one another behind my back?" My friend responded with "I do not want to be in the middle of anything..." My response was "then you should be speaking with us together and not supporting her in her poor decision making." The reason I share this with you is this... in spite of all of these errors in judgment... I did not have a revenge affair. Why? Because by not compromising myself, I am able to maintain a standard and example to be followed. In addition, the hurt and pain my significant other has caused me troubles and haunts her each day. It took her some time and she has apologized in ways and demonstrations it would take too long to describe. Why? Because I would not put myself in the same category by being selfish and self-serving as she once did. When I look into her eyes... I can see the hurt and pain she feels because of what she has done to me for a few moments of pleasure. In the end... what does a revenge affair really accomplish except making you no better than the person you wish to condemn following the revenge affair. A few moments of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of pain. Think about it and your family. I did... and I'm a better person for it... hence... no revenge affair.

Edited September 21, 2010 by kevinm1019
Correction

[ladydesigner]

Regaining self esteem

First, let me say I am not perfect. My husband had an affair and as a result I had 2 revenge affairs. I have been on the fence about a separation for some time even before my husband had an affair. We are in marriage counseling now and we have a really good therapist and I think we can make this work. My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband.

 

The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose. I want to, but I'm drawn back to it over and over. I have come to realize that what I like is the attention I am receiving from these men. That I'm pretty, sexy etc. I know this doesn't replace love and true commitment.

 

I think the affair just killed my self esteem and I am trying to find validation of my attractiveness. I often wonder what the OW looked like - was she prettier than me? Did he stray because I'm not attractive and pretty?

 

Obviously, I need to stop what I'm doing. My husband has caught me repeatedly chatting with other men. Knowing I'm communicating with the AP he thought I was finished with etc.

 

I love my husband. I love my family. When/how can I work on this self esteem thing or is my marriage just over? Am I just too damaged from all of this to repair the marriage? I feel like maybe we just need to end it and both start our lives over. We have the whole nine yards, children, house, etc..

 

I'd like some advice here. I feel terrible about my own behavior. I feel like I just deserve for my marriage to be over and for me to lose everything I've built. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hurting my family, but I cannot seem to stop either. Help...

 

Yep I did the same. My self-esteem had been blown to bits and XOM came to the rescue. I had a revenge affair as well for exactly the same reasons you have. Aeh posted great words of wisdom. It is nice to know there are others out there that have followed this crooked path.

 

Yes you should cut the contact and start reconciling again, if that is what you want. But don't beat yourself up about it. We are human and are not perfect. What you are probably feeling is the loss of integrity, I know it well, but you can heal that. End contact and start over again with your H. Spend more family time together and reconnect. My H and I have made a strong comeback and hope that it continues. I know I will never have an A again. If there were to ever be an infidelity again we would have to end. I am not going there again!

 

Hope you start to find yourself in a better place.

[turnera]

How to fix yourself? Tell your parents, your siblings, and your best friends what you did. Tell them that you are now dedicated to being a better person, and you want their help.

 

Then start following the advice you get and doing what your therapist tells you.

 

btw, saying you can't stop cheating because of low self-esteem is a copout. You cheat because it's a selfish act that makes you feel good.

[love4me2c]

Turnera,

 

I was not saying it was a copout. I am trying to understand why I am doing it and what about doing it makes me want to keep doing it. I don't like the way I feel afterwards at all. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

 

Others,

 

Thanks for your kind words. I have had no contact with anyone and have no plans to. However, I still think I may separate. I'm damaged goods. I feel like his affair and my RAs have ruined every possibility for reconciliation.

 

He has done crazy things to me, called the OM and/or OM wives, put a GPS in my car, followed me, put software on my computer to trace everything I'm doing, broke into my work computer. Yet, he doesn't feel like he deserves the same punishment he has done to me. WH thinks that what he did isn't as bad.

 

Before he had an affair, I was a sane, normal surburban housewife raising two children and working full time. I never once thought of being unfaithful even though my marriage sucked. He and the OW ruined my life but he doesn't deserve the same punishments? I'm at an impasse with this. Why does he feel like the OW doesn't deserve for me to call her and her husband and expose what they did? Why does he feel like I shouldn't monitor what he does on the computer?

 

I just think I need to get out. I can't make someone feel something they don't and it is just wrong. What he did was the catalyst for everything going on in my life. WH just thinks he's just somehow better... f****r

[kevinm1019]

How to fix yourself? Tell your parents, your siblings, and your best friends what you did. Tell them that you are now dedicated to being a better person, and you want their help.

 

Then start following the advice you get and doing what your therapist tells you.

 

btw, saying you can't stop cheating because of low self-esteem is a copout. You cheat because it's a selfish act that makes you feel good.

The process starts with you accepting responsibility for your poor choices and seeking a way to rectify your poor decisions.

[ladydesigner]

Turnera,

 

I was not saying it was a copout. I am trying to understand why I am doing it and what about doing it makes me want to keep doing it. I don't like the way I feel afterwards at all. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

 

Others,

 

Thanks for your kind words. I have had no contact with anyone and have no plans to. However, I still think I may separate. I'm damaged goods. I feel like his affair and my RAs have ruined every possibility for reconciliation.

 

He has done crazy things to me, called the OM and/or OM wives, put a GPS in my car, followed me, put software on my computer to trace everything I'm doing, broke into my work computer. Yet, he doesn't feel like he deserves the same punishment he has done to me. WH thinks that what he did isn't as bad.

 

Before he had an affair, I was a sane, normal surburban housewife raising two children and working full time. I never once thought of being unfaithful even though my marriage sucked. He and the OW ruined my life but he doesn't deserve the same punishments? I'm at an impasse with this. Why does he feel like the OW doesn't deserve for me to call her and her husband and expose what they did? Why does he feel like I shouldn't monitor what he does on the computer?

 

I just think I need to get out. I can't make someone feel something they don't and it is just wrong. What he did was the catalyst for everything going on in my life. WH just thinks he's just somehow better... f****r

 

It sounds like there is so much resentment on both sides that you could cut it with a knife. Maybe you two need a bit of a break and some counseling. It really does help. Fight for what YOU want in your marriage, otherwise you may want to move in a new direction.

[turnera]

Turnera,

 

I was not saying it was a copout. I am trying to understand why I am doing it and what about doing it makes me want to keep doing it. I don't like the way I feel afterwards at all. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

 

Others,

 

Thanks for your kind words.

Two thoughts. First, I didn't say YOU said it was a copout. I said that you blaming all this on your self-esteem is a copout. It means that you don't like what you did but you don't want to accept responsibility for it, so you are using your 'self-esteem' as the culprit. 'I couldn't help it; I NEEDED to feel loved!'

 

And now, you're blaming it all on your husband: 'If he hadn't cheated, I never would have, so it's all his fault.'

 

Look, if you want out of your marriage, get out. Just be honest about it.

 

If you don't, you'll just repeat the same mistakes in your next marriage, and subject your kids to a lot of painful trauma for nothing.

 

Or, you could stay and actually work on your marriage and do the hard work to fix it.

 

btw, I've been keeping a running mental tab on waywards, for the last 4 or 5 years I've been giving advice on forums like this. One commonality I have found is that the wayward mentality (1) blames others and (2) always makes a point of 'thanking' posters who come to their thread and say 'nice' things without taking them to task. It's like they actually have to point out to everyone that someone is willing to say nice things to them; or maybe it's to discredit those who don't, and actually call them out on their actions. My statistics are running about 89% accurate so far.

[wicar1]

Regaining self esteem

First, let me say I am not perfect. My husband had an affair and as a result I had 2 revenge affairs. I have been on the fence about a separation for some time even before my husband had an affair. We are in marriage counseling now and we have a really good therapist and I think we can make this work. My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband.

 

The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose. I want to, but I'm drawn back to it over and over. I have come to realize that what I like is the attention I am receiving from these men. That I'm pretty, sexy etc. I know this doesn't replace love and true commitment.

 

I think the affair just killed my self esteem and I am trying to find validation of my attractiveness. I often wonder what the OW looked like - was she prettier than me? Did he stray because I'm not attractive and pretty?

 

Obviously, I need to stop what I'm doing. My husband has caught me repeatedly chatting with other men. Knowing I'm communicating with the AP he thought I was finished with etc.

 

I love my husband. I love my family. When/how can I work on this self esteem thing or is my marriage just over? Am I just too damaged from all of this to repair the marriage? I feel like maybe we just need to end it and both start our lives over. We have the whole nine yards, children, house, etc..

 

I'd like some advice here. I feel terrible about my own behavior. I feel like I just deserve for my marriage to be over and for me to lose everything I've built. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hurting my family, but I cannot seem to stop either. Help...

 

For the sake of your children get a divorce...

[love4me2c]

I have never said I do not want to accept responsibility for what I've done. I do. But we all do things for a reason. We don't just do them. I'm trying to understand it so I can get past it and rebuild my marriage. I know you all don't know me, but I feel terrible for what I've done. Trust me. I accept responsibility.

 

It appears that I came to the wrong place here. I was looking for some constructive advice from others who have been through this and how to deal with and ultimately overcome it. Not looking to get reprimanded by others who think they are too high and mighty or moral to do what I did.

 

It is hard to put down in few paragraphs everything that has gone on.. that he continued chatting with the OW after he promised there was no contact.. I can go on. Funny how the tables suddenly turn and I'm the bad guy. We are all different people and react differently than other people. I'm glad many of you would never dare stoop to my level. I applaud you and wish I had done the very same thing, but I didn't. I won't be back on here but thanks for those who provided meaningful advise.

[ladydesigner]

I have never said I do not want to accept responsibility for what I've done. I do. But we all do things for a reason. We don't just do them. I'm trying to understand it so I can get past it and rebuild my marriage. I know you all don't know me, but I feel terrible for what I've done. Trust me. I accept responsibility.

 

It appears that I came to the wrong place here. I was looking for some constructive advice from others who have been through this and how to deal with and ultimately overcome it. Not looking to get reprimanded by others who think they are too high and mighty or moral to do what I did.

 

It is hard to put down in few paragraphs everything that has gone on.. that he continued chatting with the OW after he promised there was no contact.. I can go on. Funny how the tables suddenly turn and I'm the bad guy. We are all different people and react differently than other people. I'm glad many of you would never dare stoop to my level. I applaud you and wish I had done the very same thing, but I didn't. I won't be back on here but thanks for those who provided meaningful advise.

 

Try not to let the naysayers get to you. Until someone has walked in your shoes, and I did trust me, they cannot possibly get what you are saying. Most who are quick to judge here still cannot get over their own pain from a betrayal. LS is a pretty good forum except for the same few or many depending on what day it is that come on here acting like the moral police. You should stick around! A lot of posters have helped me tremendously. There are always those that say get a divorce right away. To each his own I guess.

[turnera]

I AM trying to help you.

 

A person who cheats has a certain selfish mentality. That's not a dis, it just is what it is - a willingness to knowingly harm someone else, to say 'I can't help myself.' No matter WHAT your partner did to you. Remember two wrongs don't make a right?

 

We all make our own decisions. It's when we consciously make a decision to say 'no more' that we can move forward. I assume you're at that point. Are you willing to start being totally honest and humble?

 

Because that is where you need to be, to heal and progress.

[aeh]

Oh, I hope you don't go. I know just how you feel. I was slammed and insulted too by some posters. Others, like Dexter, may find my past actions reprehensible but did not insult me. Regardless, ladydesigner and I can relate. Don't let them scare you off. I had to take a break. I was already hurting too much to take any more criticism. Hang in there. You will rise above this.

 

Use your head. Don't waste time beating yourself up over this. Learn from your mistakes and move on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Feel free to private message me if you want.

[Iconoclast]

Here's some good advice.

You can NOT rebuild your marriage if you're having any contact with OM.

 

Your self esteem can NOT improve until you stop the affair(s) entirely. Quite simple. You know it's wrong. You want to be good.

 

It is difficult for you to stop because you are addicted to the affair. Google and read about the chemistry of love.

 

Your husband is spying on you because that is exactly what he should be doing. Too bad he sucks at it. He is doing it because he loves you. Do not be angry with him for it. (yeah, I know he's an Adulterer...but i'm not talking to him).

 

Time for action. A fork in the road. Which way? Choose.

[Cuccoon]

Try Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous. You're not alone.

[lkjh]

Also you better tell the OW H. Their affair won't end until you do. That is why you keep cheating, tell him and tell him now

[love4me2c]

Yeah I do not know who it is. He will not tell me. I only know because I found her panties in his suitcase when he returned from a business trip. Trust me, I would tell the OWH if I could. He would rather get divorced than tell me who it is.

[eeyore1981]

Yeah I do not know who it is. He will not tell me. I only know because I found her panties in his suitcase when he returned from a business trip. Trust me, I would tell the OWH if I could. He would rather get divorced than tell me who it is.

 

You think this right here may have something to do with what is going on with you?

 

It would be pretty easy to make the assumption from this your H cares more about protecting OW than how you feel. Hmmm.

 

Maybe you should proceed with a divorce, but that's probably just me and my recent attitude of 'who needs this crap.'

[turnera]

Yeah I do not know who it is. He will not tell me. I only know because I found her panties in his suitcase when he returned from a business trip. Trust me, I would tell the OWH if I could. He would rather get divorced than tell me who it is.

There is no way I'd stay with a man who wouldn't tell me who the OW is. But that's just me.