Regaining self esteem

[love4me2c]

First, let me say I am not perfect. My husband had an affair and as a result I had 2 revenge affairs. I have been on the fence about a separation for some time even before my husband had an affair. We are in marriage counseling now and we have a really good therapist and I think we can make this work. My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband.

 

The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose. I want to, but I'm drawn back to it over and over. I have come to realize that what I like is the attention I am receiving from these men. That I'm pretty, sexy etc. I know this doesn't replace love and true commitment.

 

I think the affair just killed my self esteem and I am trying to find validation of my attractiveness. I often wonder what the OW looked like - was she prettier than me? Did he stray because I'm not attractive and pretty?

 

Obviously, I need to stop what I'm doing. My husband has caught me repeatedly chatting with other men. Knowing I'm communicating with the AP he thought I was finished with etc.

 

I love my husband. I love my family. When/how can I work on this self esteem thing or is my marriage just over? Am I just too damaged from all of this to repair the marriage? I feel like maybe we just need to end it and both start our lives over. We have the whole nine yards, children, house, etc..

 

I'd like some advice here. I feel terrible about my own behavior. I feel like I just deserve for my marriage to be over and for me to lose everything I've built. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hurting my family, but I cannot seem to stop either. Help...

[You Go Girl]

You'll quit when you realize that the relationships you have with other men are superficial.

You are receiving attention, but would any of them drop what they were doing and help you if your car broke down? What if you needed to borrow money? What if you were crying--would they still be interested in a conversation or would they cut it short saying they had some urgent thing to attend to?

I'm sure these chats with other men are sexual in nature. Other men aren't interested in a superficial relationship without the sexual part of the picture.

Try having a discussion with them that doesn't involve sex, but involves your concerns, problems, worries, etc. I can almost guarantee that these men are going to become bored talking with you, and are going to cut the conversation short.

If you don't play the sex game for several conversations, then they are going to become unavailable to you. They won't be logged into the chat, or will be invisible, or won't respond should you contact them. Do you know why? Because they will be off finding the sexual high from a woman who will give it to them, instead of one that wants to talk about real issues in life.

So...in a nutshell...get real dear, your life depends on it, and you're currently blowing it.

[lee777]

Oh you're such a princess.

 

Selfish!

[love4me2c]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Lee.

[What_Next]

You are NOT ready to work on your marriage. My opinion? Seperate until you ARE ready.

 

Short and to the point.

[habs53]

That internet stuff is really addictive. Especially if you have a low self confidence. If you were single it would be all fine and dandy. You could very well find someone to fall for.

Right now its nothing more than a lie and a defense thing. Maybe some time apart may help, maybe not.

[habs53]

Oh you're such a princess.

 

Selfish!

She is confused and at least she is coming here for help for her problem. Remember, she did not start this. What happened to her is very hurtful, and maybe revenge set in a bit. Getting cheated on definitely takes a blow to the self ego. I cannot blame her at all for doing this stuff. Still doesnt make it right however.

[Gunny376]

For most of us both men and women ~ we initially seek validation and happiness through others.

 

It comes from childhood? In that we seek, want, and need validation of ourselves. the approval of our parents, siblings, friends, etc.

 

Its a case of "I'm OK, You're OK" (There's a book about the subject by the same title ~ printed in the Seventies ~ I don't know if you can find a copy of it now or not)

 

But when all is said and done? Once your parents are gone?

 

You're pretty much on your own. Brothers turn on brothers ~ sisters turn on sisters. Children become estranged from their children ~ yada ~ yada.

 

At the end of the day? At some point in life one has to become self validating and come to realize that attempting to find someone who brings them joy and happiness ~ a sense of self worth ~ validation ~ etc?

 

Is a Fool's Errand!

 

Your happiness in and with life is internal and comes from within yourself not through that of others.

 

The fact of the matter is? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

 

Its as I told my XHEX ~

 

"You're like the poor homeless beggar who was as happy and content with his / her existence as they could be.

 

That was until someone (richer for the most part ~ or had a better quality of life) came along and told them.

 

How could you be so happy and joyful in and with your life when your homeless and a beggar?

 

As I said, Happiness is relative and comes from within. Not from without.

 

The person that is personally in charge of your happiness is you and you and you alone ~ and no one else.

 

Its all relative.

 

Me, myself and I? Having came from a long, long, long line of poor people, having done 20 years in tha' Corps?

 

I'm a happy camper in so long as I got at least one meal to eat a day (and it need only be a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup or a can of Bennie's and Weenies)

 

Sex? In and for the most part? Is just a very small part of any relationship.

 

Even its wild and crazy monkey sex that goes on for an hour or so? WTF are you going to do and talk about for the other 23 hours of each and every day?

 

Quit seeking validation, self worth, and happiness from others ~ find it within yourself.

 

There are always going to be people smarter, more intelligent, better looking etc (And you know what? They're most often the most shallow of beings that there are)

 

Just as there are always those less fortunate than you in the same and such.

 

It comes down to this!

 

"Worse than some! Better than most!"

 

The measure of yourself is set by you and you alone ~ not by the standard of someone else.

 

People are driving themselves nuts and working themselves crazy ~ living to work instead of working to live.

 

Life is about living your life in joy, happiness, peace of mind, good and close friends, family, security from need.

 

All of the so-called "Info-mercials" about losing weight and women looking like some so-called "super model" cracks me up!

 

The average weight of your atypical American women?

 

Is 164 pounds.

 

Marriage counseling IMHO is a waste of time. You (and we all do) need to find our and discover who and what we're albout ~ that is to say ~ identify your weakness and daily seek self improvement.

 

Live your life for yourself and not someone else ~ not your spouse, not your parents, not your children.

 

Don't attempt to live your life through nor for another ~ you will only find disappointment.

 

Live your life for yourself!

[dragonwave]

May I suggest that you ask yourself simply "what do you want". Then ask yourself, are my current actions going to get me there? Its really not that complicated.

 

Your husband having an affair is hurtful beyond words. And you have the right to be hurt and angry about that. However, your follow up actions, once you recognized it was not any better....why continue doing it? Working on self esteem comes from within, its YOU seeing your own self worth. It does help when others that you ADMIRE and RESPECT can also see it...but trying to get affirmation from superficial means will not boost your self esteem. COntinuing to act in ways that you do not feel proud of, will not help with self esteem either.

[You Go Girl]

As a person who is very sensitive, I can act out when I'm angry, and not even realize that it is my anger that motivates me to do destructive things.

You said "revenge" affairs. Are you absolutely furious? Is all this revenge?

It just occured to me after thinking about my own anger and acting out, that you may be not so much seeking attention from these men as simply absolutely furious --hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, thing.

[2.50 a gallon]

During your RA your body began to produce love chemicals for the OM's, so in a sense you were high on drugs, an addiction is you will. As you begin to withdraw, your body brain craves these chemicals. When you even so much as communicate with the OM's your body again starts to produce more love chemicals, so you have to begin withdrawal all over again.

 

The OM could care less what you are going through. They have learned that by paying attention to you, they get a reward of sex. In short they want to get your panties again.

 

You are dealing with scum. Scum who will take advantage of a married vulnerable woman. If they were honorable they would with draw from the scene with a simple "talk to me after your divorce."

 

So the question is, "Why do you want to have anything to do with a scum male?"

 

If things do not work out, divorce and then you will be free to meet someone else. And if you do divorce, the OM should be permanently off your list as he is scum. There is nothing there for you to build on, it is all an illusion he created to get you in bed.

[lkjh]

Its pretty simple, you are a weak person. You want to blame your H for your affairs and the fact that you continue them but your decisions are a character flaw. Im not saying your H is a good husband. But your choices are your choices.

 

 

You need to A) tell your H and B) get some help

[lkjh]

I just posted on your other thread but you need to tell the OW husband. their affair will not be over until you do. Stop being a push over. You let your H push you over and now you are letting the OM push you over

 

 

tell the OWH

[love4me2c]

I blame my husband for creating the situation that led me to the affairs. I recognize the affairs are of my own doing. I could have just not had them. In that I am weak, I admit. I was too weak to put aside the petty behavior when I knew better.

 

Am I furious? Absolutely. We were already going to counseling when he had the affair. Everytime I feel guilty, I think about how he doesn't deserve my trust any way. But either way, I feel guilty because I'm doing bad things too.

 

I am trying not to be a weak woman. Our MC says no good will come from telling the OWH. So he feels vindicated that he does not need to tell me. I have stopped all contact and recognize that this isn't what I should be doing.

 

I am in a house upside down on our mortgage, I have two small children, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs... These things make it very hard to "leave." I think things are coming to a head and I think I'm going to leave next week. I need to get things in order.

[lkjh]

The OWH certainly has a right to know. He is being cheated on and he has every right to know what is going on in his life. You have the chance to help this guy, do not deprive him of his right to know and make a choice regarding his life

[2.50 a gallon]

l4m2c

 

The reason I can be so harsh on your OM is that was me 30 years ago.

 

Like you I had a revenge affair with an associate OM's wife. I have no regrets for doing so as the weasel got his. I permanently separated from my XW and never looked back. The OM's wife did the same, she filed within two weeks and moved back with her mom.

 

What I do have some regret over is that in the following months I pursued and had several ONS with a couple of married women I worked with.

 

As it so happened, my workmates would get together about once a month at a local night club to party. Sometimes the women would be able to get their Husbands to come with and when ever they did they hardly ever danced with their wives. Mostly they sat at the table and BS'ed with the other husbands.

 

With the break up of my marriage I felt hurt and humilated. Yes the RA did help my self esteem.

 

On one of our weekend get togethers two of the husbands showed up, and almost pushed me into dancing with their wives, so that they could sit on the behinds. This was also at a time when long hair was still not totally accepted. After dancing with one of them, I over heard one the husbands make a slighting remark about my manhood, being as I liked to dance, and I had a long pony tail. Both of the husbands wore suits to the get together and I have this thing about "Suits". After hearing what was said, I got mad and made up my mind they would pay for their remarks.

 

My excuse was that their husbands by disrespecting me forced my hand. But the truth is I was horney and they were easy targets.