Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

[Silly_Girl]

Sure, when I didnt know my H was cheating...I was happy. Ignorance was bliss. His behavior eventually undermined our marriage until I knew something was wrong but didnt know what. After D-Day I felt as though it was as if I had treatable cancer and everyone knew but me.

 

So , yeah - I suppose not knowing can be bliss only if the marriage is truly happy, if both are in love with each other . Which somehow makes the betrayal worse . If the marriage is not happy or is being undermined by an unknown affair....bliss? No.

 

My bolded. Am I being naive by saying that I wouldn't have thought an affair could be facilitated if 'in love' were the status quo of the marriage?

[TigerCub]

Bolded part- you see, you are smarter than you think. You answer your own questions. LOL! If it walks like a duck chances are IT IS a duck. Perhaps this behavior of his is second nature and it is the person that she is used to knowing. What 'difference' can she detect if this is his norm. If he has cheated multiple times, then it is his M.O.

 

FYI- you didn't call her a bitch. That was my word...

 

Haha!! I'm actually leaning towards that assumption (that he was always like that with her) - because the reason of our last fall out was because he was rude and then dismissive about it with me.

Maybe that's the way he is with her (dismissive that is)...who knows....

but the more I think about it, the more I'm believing that his "dismissive 'charm'" wasn't a one time thing exclusively for me

 

ah well...screw him!!

 

Thanks Mimo

[TigerCub]

My bolded. Am I being naive by saying that I wouldn't have thought an affair could be facilitated if 'in love' were the status quo of the marriage?

 

That's what I was wondering too about that statement. Because to me "In Love" is different that "We're comfortable and there is Love"

I always thought being "In Love" made no room/reason at all for an outside party.

[Silly_Girl]

That's what I was wondering too about that statement. Because to me "In Love" is different that "We're comfortable and there is Love"

I always thought being "In Love" made no room/reason at all for an outside party.

 

'Zactly...

[BB07]

Really, I don't get it. Why on earth should I have empathy for xMM's W and why should this empathy express itself by hiding the truth for her? The fact that she has a disabled child really does not make a difference here. I mean, it is not because people have a disabled child, that they are unable to divorce or stay married, are they?

I sent the mails because she asked for them and I did not hesitate for one second to send them because they showed very clearly that I could not have known he was married.

You also have to know that xMM is a colleague of mine, which makes what he did worse in my eyes. We do not work directly together (otherwise I would have known that he was married) but we work for the same organisation in the same city. Thanks god we work in very different fields but the fact remains that when I go to work this is somehow linked to him. The fact that he was a colleague also made me more trustworthy in my eyes because I thought that one would be more careful with a colleague since bad behaviour would be more easily known by other colleagues.

 

The only compassion I have is for myself. As a friend of mine told me: "You don't deserve any of this ****". There is no way I find myself a bad person for having told her about the bad behaviour of her H. The indignation should be pointed at him not at me.

 

WalkInThePark you haven't been making yourself clear at all. Now you are saying that bs asked you for the emails but I don't recall at all seeing that before. Also you clearly stated that you did it for revenge and with that said, you made no mention at all that the bs asked you for the emails. :confused: It now seems like you are backtracking and trying to make yourself sound more empathetic.

 

The disabled child, well you just don't get it, but you seem to have appointed yourself judge and jury about something you know nothing about and you show a lack of empathy for what another woman as been though. You just do.

 

Once again it's the revenge thing (that you clearly admitted to) and your lack of empathy that gets everyone's panties in a wad.

 

Look........I can relate very well to dating someone who I thought was separated but in fact was very much married, and I probably know better than anyone what that does to you but I was not angry at my xmm bw, not at all. If she was with him, and I don't know she might very well be, it would bring to the surface some anger, but yet I would redirect it, at where it truly belongs. Him and myself.

[bohogirl]

WalkInThePark you haven't been making yourself clear at all. Now you are saying that bs asked you for the emails but I don't recall at all seeing that before. Also you clearly stated that you did it for revenge and with that said, you made no mention at all that the bs asked you for the emails. :confused: It now seems like you are backtracking and trying to make yourself sound more empathetic.

 

The disabled child, well you just don't get it, but you seem to have appointed yourself judge and jury about something you know nothing about and you show a lack of empathy for what another woman as been though. You just do.

 

Once again it's the revenge thing (that you clearly admitted to) and your lack of empathy that gets everyone's panties in a wad.

 

Look........I can relate very well to dating someone who I thought was separated but in fact was very much married, and I probably know better than anyone what that does to you but I was not angry at my xmm bw, not at all. If she was with him, and I don't know she might very well be, it would bring to the surface some anger, but yet I would redirect it, at where it truly belongs. Him and myself.

 

You do that all the time to me yet call someone else out.

[donnamaybe]

You do that all the time to me yet call someone else out.

Seems to me EVERYONE has been doing that to you a lot lately.

[2sure]

Initially it is natural and easy for OW and BS to think each other is the enemy. But for most of us it doesnt take long to realize that is simply not the case. The OW and BS are easy targets for each other plus the MM has often placed them against each other with his justifications, excuses or lies. I feel sorry for a woman who has been a victim of a MM (BS or OW) who does yet realize this. By acting as though you are competing with OW or BS...you belittle and demean yourself.

 

Anger is one thing. Denial and blame another.

[Mimolicious]

Same here!

 

I am 45 and I never ever had anything with a MM before this. Not even a flirt. And I have been working for 22 years with men who were married, never approached one of them in an inappropriate way, never let myself be approached in an inappropriate way,...

As a matter of fact, some months before I met my xMM, I had a date with a guy who had described himself as single in his profile. Just before the date, I checked the pictures he had sent me so that I was sure if I would recognize him. Well on one of the pictures, he was wearing a wedding ring and the picture had been taken some months ago.

So when I meet this guy, the first thing I look for is whether he wears a wedding ring or not. He did and I immediately told him that the date was over.

My xMM was way smarter and smoother. He took off his wedding ring each time we saw each other.

 

What a clown! Who does that? So shameless...

 

With the resources that we have nowadays, Google is my new little black dress. lol!

[bentnotbroken]

Having a disabled child certainly makes life more difficult but it does not give xMM the right to cheat on his W or to manipulate me the way he did.

Everyone has their own troubles. I don't have a disabled child but I have not had an easy life yet I never cheated on any of my partners.

 

I told her out of revenge and I knew I needed this revenge to be able to continue with my life. This is how I tick. I did not want to be a victim who suffers in silence, no, I want people to know what a con artist this man is, starting with his W.

I have no mercy for him nor for his W. Why should I? I don't owe them anything.

 

You can bring up arguments until you are blue in the face but I feel no guilt about telling her nor do I find myself lacking in empathy. And whatever you say won't make me change my mind about that. I did the right thing for me.

 

The only compassion I have is for myself

 

 

While I am not one of those who cares not why you told, only that you did tell; the two bolded statements speak volumes about who you are on the inside. You really don't owe either of them a thing, but the empathy level that you show here is a direct indication of your personality. It allows you say and do things and then lay the blame at everyone's (some deserved)feet but your own. This man didn't not hold a weapon to your breast and demand you have a affair with him. He didn't demand you lay down your own morals and ethics to be with him. All choices that put you in the situation to show so much contempt for him and his wife were all made by you.

 

Your friend said you didn't deserve any of this, why didn't you? I mean if his wife is so at fault and lacking of empathy or respect why aren't you in the position you deserve to be in? Mercy is unmerited favor. I believe most of us desire to have that favor shown to us when we are on the short end of the stick, why not her? And unfortunately all I see from your post is this...if the only mercy you have is for yourself, you are in big trouble. You can't give what you don't have to give.

[Mimolicious]

What does this have to do with telling a woman that her H cheats on her? Do people have to get a VIP treatment just because they have a disabled child? That is actually what my xMM seems to think. I have noticed how he abuses the fact that he has a disabled child as a constant excuse in his life.

So people with disabled children are not better people than other people.

 

 

Actually, uumm... (how do I say this delicately?) They are! Admended to the constitution (in the US) and also in my heart (but that's just me). I have a disabled relative and I her. If your xMM abuses the fact, shame on him but we already knew he had no scrupples.

[Mimolicious]

He was the one who told me that he did not feel good around her anymore. I don't know her, remember. Having a disabled child will certainly affect her but the child is not with them during the week, and it is also his child so he also has reasons to be depressed about this.

In any case, I'll say one thing to his defense. He certainly takes care of the child himself, also for the very practical things (giving a shower, putting on diapers, medical appointments,...). Actually, the love with which he spoke about his child was one of the things which drew me to him. Could not imagine that a man who spoke with so much love about his disabled child could be so dishonest. Afterwards I also noticed that he used her as an excuse in his professional life (for example cancelling an appointment saying that his child needed to be operated - this was not true!).

 

You know what a POS he is, yet you find a little ole' compassion to say the bolded but speak poorly of his wife. This is a bit flip-flopping don't you think? Can it be that we are still ignorant to few things and not quiet checked out of bliss? (for t/j's sake)

[TigerCub]

Initially it is natural and easy for OW and BS to think each other is the enemy. But for most of us it doesnt take long to realize that is simply not the case. The OW and BS are easy targets for each other plus the MM has often placed them against each other with his justifications, excuses or lies. I feel sorry for a woman who has been a victim of a MM (BS or OW) who does yet realize this. By acting as though you are competing with OW or BS...you belittle and demean yourself.

 

Anger is one thing. Denial and blame another.

 

That is an amazing post 2Sure! :bunny:

So true! - just takes a while to actually get to the point of realizing it.

I'm gonna always try to keep what you said in mind, especially the bolded part.

[TigerCub]

Nothing I read here makes me think that I should have empathy for xMM's W. Why on earth should I have empathy for someone who I don't know

 

Are you just saying these things for "shock value" now.

Really? you can't be compassionate to someone unless you know them?

 

So I take it, things like donating to Haiti after the earthquake had you scratching your head in puzzlement eh?

 

"Wow! how can people give a flying f*ck about someone they don't know?!! :confused:, hold me close MM, I'm easily confused and need some comfort"

[ladydesigner]

While I am not one of those who cares not why you told, only that you did tell; the two bolded statements speak volumes about who you are on the inside. You really don't owe either of them a thing, but the empathy level that you show here is a direct indication of your personality. It allows you say and do things and then lay the blame at everyone's (some deserved)feet but your own. This man didn't not hold a weapon to your breast and demand you have a affair with him. He didn't demand you lay down your own morals and ethics to be with him. All choices that put you in the situation to show so much contempt for him and his wife were all made by you.

 

Your friend said you didn't deserve any of this, why didn't you? I mean if his wife is so at fault and lacking of empathy or respect why aren't you in the position you deserve to be in? Mercy is unmerited favor. I believe most of us desire to have that favor shown to us when we are on the short end of the stick, why not her? And unfortunately all I see from your post is this...if the only mercy you have is for yourself, you are in big trouble. You can't give what you don't have to give.

 

Great post BnB! I am appalled at the recent lack of empathy I have seen on these boards lately. How can any of these feelings of lack of empathy and total selfishness be attractive to anyone. I'm sorry but that would be a total turnoff for me, in a friend or a partner:sick:

[greengoddess]

Are you just saying these things for "shock value" now.

Really? you can't be compassionate to someone unless you know them?

 

So I take it, things like donating to Haiti after the earthquake had you scratching your head in puzzlement eh?

 

"Wow! how can people give a flying f*ck about someone they don't know?!! :confused:, hold me close MM, I'm easily confused and need some comfort"

 

 

OMG I was just thinking that. So walk in the park I assume you don't believe in charity at all? Geeeez soooooo soooo cold. Damn.

[BB07]

Initially it is natural and easy for OW and BS to think each other is the enemy. But for most of us it doesnt take long to realize that is simply not the case. The OW and BS are easy targets for each other plus the MM has often placed them against each other with his justifications, excuses or lies. I feel sorry for a woman who has been a victim of a MM (BS or OW) who does yet realize this. By acting as though you are competing with OW or BS...you belittle and demean yourself.

 

Anger is one thing. Denial and blame another.

 

 

So true the majority of the time, as evidenced by my past thread where I and the BS both post. Oh the lies.......he told her, he told me. :sick:

[Mimolicious]

Nothing I read here makes me think that I should have empathy for xMM's W. Why on earth should I have empathy for someone who I don't know, whether she has a disabled child or not.

But if I would have empathy, I would think that telling her that her H is a serial cheater is more empathic than not telling her and leaving her in her "ignorant bliss". I know that I would want to know it if my H is cheating on me!

Anyway, I did not tell her to help her but to help myself. Call it revenge, call it anger. BTW, I don't think there is anything wrong with revenge and anger? It gave me the feeling I settled the account, it gave me a feeling of empowerment, and I needed that to be able to move on.

 

So the day a stranger parades right by you or a relative in a life or death situation, it's totally ok because they don't know you so who cares??!?!

 

Is this the way that you feel about everything in general? I'm just wondering.

 

Oh boy, if I wanted to act out "revenge" they would def need to bedazzle my orange jumpsuit. No thanks! I rather keep my SELF-CREATED BLISS!

[GreenEyedLady]

If people are so offended with the lack of empathy displayed here, please do yourself a favor and leave.

 

The OP has nothing to do with empathy for the BS.

 

This is a forum protected for the the Other Person. They should be able to speak freely.

 

And if that is how they feel, that is how they feel.

 

I am wondering why everyone is so concerned with what other people are doing in their bedrooms. It's none of your business. Let the people who need support and a different perspective be heard.

 

Over time, through experience and self-reflection and time, their perspective will change and accommodate what they have learned. Let them get there on their own schedule.

 

And if it is so concerning, don't read here. The OP's must be able to be express their real feelings. Maybe you all might learn something too.

 

And just as an FYI, parents of children with special needs only hold "special rights" regarding the education of their special needs child. It does not extend to their spouse and include marital fidelity.

 

And the IDiEA is not an amendment to the constitution. It is a reauthorized Act pertaining to the identification, services and accommodations a child with special needs requires in EDUCATION that stems from the Americans with Disabilities Act that is not an amendment to the United States Constitution either. It is an Act that is housed in United States Code.

 

GEL

[donnamaybe]

If people are so offended with the lack of empathy displayed here, please do yourself a favor and leave.

 

The OP has nothing to do with empathy for the BS.

 

This is a forum protected for the the Other Person. They should be able to speak freely.

No one is disallowing anyone to speak. And after someone has spoken, OTHERS should be allowed to speak freely as well.

 

If folks can't take the heat, they should stay outta the kitchen. If I voice an unpopular opinion and I get taken to task for it, then either I shouldn't have voiced said opinion or I should just suck it up and accept what people have to say. If someone gets out of line in their posts, they are free to report the post, and the moderator will remove it if it violates the TOS.

[2sure]

My bolded. Am I being naive by saying that I wouldn't have thought an affair could be facilitated if 'in love' were the status quo of the marriage?

 

Yep. Absolutely. My exH was/is in love with me completely. I do not expect he will ever remarry in fact. His infidelity is a major flaw based on his never ending need for validation. Had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with the marriage. A problem I chose not to deal with because as much as I love him...I have to take care of myself , I cannot solve this for him.

[donnamaybe]

I don't remember having complained about the heat.

You didn't. I was referring to the post where someone was trying to instruct people how to respond to you.

 

I'm not going to go into any discussion regarding someone who is incapable of having empathy for someone just because they don't know them.

[pureinheart]

I don't remember having complained about the heat. I have expressed the way I feel and I got blasted but I really don't have a problem with that. Noone has to agree with the way I see and do things, I read whatever opinion people have about what I wrote. If someone says something which makes sense in my opinion, I will definitely think about it. Only, I have so far not read a lot in this thread which is useful to me.

I have told my xMM's W about his As, including the one he had with me. And I have sent her mails because she asked me to and because I wanted to show her black on white that I was not making anything up. I acted out of revenge and anger and it allowed me to move on because I feel that I got back at him. I got back at him because I think that people who lie and cheat to the extent he does, should not get away with it.

 

I don't think I should have empathy for his W and I don't think I commited a crime when I got involved with her H, especially since I did not know he was married.

 

This thread was about ignorant bliss and I jumped in because my experience was that 1) my xMM's W was indeed in ignorant bliss and 2) on the basis of her first reaction, she seemed to prefer to remain in that ignorant bliss. That is her choice. I did not tell her hoping she would leave xMM. Really, I don't give a damn about what will now happen to their marriage. The only thing I care about is that she now knows that I was not some woman at work who came after him. She might still try to convince herself that that is what I am but the mails (and his ad on an online dating site) have shown her otherwise. Not my problem if she keeps sticking her head in the sand.

I also realize that they might now try to make me the common enemy but that will be kind of hard to sustain that since I am nowhere to be seen since I have moved on. I am not the problem of their M. His cheating is and whatever unhealthy dynamic in their M which contributes to it.

 

I had a disdain for the ex-sitch I was in also, so I can completely understand.

 

ExDM's exW walked in ignorant bliss with the truth, calling the kettle black with every word and move.

 

In bold, you can ALWAYS tell unhealthy when that happens (what you described above)...people usually need to rally forces and they will focus on one or more persons and align together in "hate" of what they perceive to be the problem in order to gain comradery with each other, or the group. This deflects from the truth and enables the unhealthy dynamic to continue. It is completely irrational.

 

WITP...just the little I've seen, this couple has a lot of hurt that they are not dealing with...who knows what the outcome will be, although after having gone through a very bad sitch, think about you now...change your mind.

 

Think of MM like you would a deadly habit...best wishes!

[HappyAtLast]

People believe what they need to believe, whether it is in fact true or not.

 

My former wife had several affairs five years into our marriage. In essence, her affairs wrecked our marriage. I told her so and told her that I would be divorcing her as soon as our youngest child left for school.

 

Several months before he left, I met and began an affair with my now wife. My ex-wife believed that my new wife was a homewrecker. Go figure.

[TigerCub]

My former wife had several affairs five years into our marriage. In essence, her affairs wrecked our marriage. I told her so and told her that I would be divorcing her as soon as our youngest child left for school.

May I ask how long was that? How long did you stay in a marraige you knew was going to end for sure?