Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

[Silly_Girl]

Then how did you find yourself in an affair? Didn't that go against who you are if you are not ok with lies? Affairs are propagated by lies.

 

Fair question. It happens. 'Allowing' some b!tch of a stepmother hurt my son's feelings over and over and NOT punching her in the head several times went against who I am.

 

Lying to my staff about whether their jobs are safe at the height of the credit crunch went against who I am.

 

Working 60 hour weeks goes against my principles.

 

I didn't realise I was entering a relationship back when I WAS entering a relationship, although I damn well should have done... And if I'm honest and someone said that to me I'm tipping I'd have called them a liar

[WalkInThePark]

WHO THE HELL GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO RAM INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE? IS REALLY MY QUESTION HERE. (trust me, I know the answer when it comes to my RL) Never seems to amaze me how people can just intrude...

 

Mimolicious, who are you talking about when you talk about "ramming into someone else's life"? About me or about my xMM?

The way I see it, from the moment my xMM came into my life and deliberately posed as a separated man while he was in fact married, he took the risk of me telling his W about the whole thing at one point in time.

It is not my task to take care of his W and his M. That is their task.

[greengoddess]

Mimolicious, who are you talking about when you talk about "ramming into someone else's life"? About me or about my xMM?

The way I see it, from the moment my xMM came into my life and deliberately posed as a separated man while he was in fact married, he took the risk of me telling his W about the whole thing at one point in time.

It is not my task to take care of his W and his M. That is their task.

 

Just for future reference, a seperated man is not a single man.

A seperated man is in fact married.

[WalkInThePark]

I do find it interesting though that you were judging his wife harshly for staying with him and then you threw in the seriously disabled child which certainly sheds some new light on why his wife is with him. She probably needs his support as a father even though he is a crappy husband. Very sad and changes the dynamic of your opinion of women and staying. You made it sound like she could care less he cheated. I doubt that. She's stuck and is putting her disabled child first. Did you want to hurt her for staying when you sent her all your emails?

 

I did not want to hurt her, I wanted her to know the truth because I hate the fact how this man fools everyone around him.

I am not the one who hurt her, HE has hurt her.

 

As far as being stuck, I honestly think they are both stuck in this relationshop because it seems to me that the dynamic in that relationship is very unhealthy. But it is no longer my problem. I have been fooled, not because I am stupid but because this man managed to say the right things for a very long time. I am an empathic person and therefore I gave him a lot of credit and saw him for a long time as a guy "who was not like the other MMs." Now I think I know that this is a trick a lot of them are using. If they would tell you straight away: "Listen, I am just some selfish guy who wants a bit of a secret garden. There is no way I am ever going to leave my W and if she ever finds out, I'll throw you under the bus. I like the fact that you give me attention but at the same time I have contempt for you because you let yourself be fooled by me. Etc..." you would not get in a relationship with them.

 

I told his W because he created turbulence in my life and I wanted to create some in his life. I am glad that I told her because if I would have remained silent, I would have perceived the situation as very unfair whereas now I feel relieved. It is behind me and I can move on. I know that in the future I will leave as soon as I spot a lie, no matter how credible the explanations sound.

[thomasb]

How can W NOT notice that something is missing in her R?

 

 

So my question was real. Does she not notice that its missing? (maybe he was always like that with her before, I dunno)

 

If she doesn't notice, then maybe she really is "ignorant" to the affair - and all the other times he slept around behind her back - and if that's the case, then maybe "ignorance is bliss" - if she's happy enough and doesnt know she was betrayed multiple times.

 

 

 

 

As a MM I will tell you that there was NOTHING missing or wrong in my marriage. What was missing and wrong was in ME! When I was at home my TOTAL focus and attention was on my wife.

[greengoddess]

I did not want to hurt her, I wanted her to know the truth because I hate the fact how this man fools everyone around him.

I am not the one who hurt her, HE has hurt her.

 

As far as being stuck, I honestly think they are both stuck in this relationshop because it seems to me that the dynamic in that relationship is very unhealthy. But it is no longer my problem. I have been fooled, not because I am stupid but because this man managed to say the right things for a very long time. I am an empathic person and therefore I gave him a lot of credit and saw him for a long time as a guy "who was not like the other MMs." Now I think I know that this is a trick a lot of them are using. If they would tell you straight away: "Listen, I am just some selfish guy who wants a bit of a secret garden. There is no way I am ever going to leave my W and if she ever finds out, I'll throw you under the bus. I like the fact that you give me attention but at the same time I have contempt for you because you let yourself be fooled by me. Etc..." you would not get in a relationship with them.

 

I told his W because he created turbulence in my life and I wanted to create some in his life. I am glad that I told her because if I would have remained silent, I would have perceived the situation as very unfair whereas now I feel relieved. It is behind me and I can move on. I know that in the future I will leave as soon as I spot a lie, no matter how credible the explanations sound.

 

The whole affair dynamic never ceases to amaze me. He created turbulance in your life so you wanted to create some in his. Well creating some in his also created major turbulance in that of his wife and severly disabled child. You didn't do it for the right reasons because she deserved to know to make informed decisions in her life, you did it to hurt him and create upheavel. I have to say I think in this case ignorance would have been bliss. Now you happily go on with your life after your revenge and his wife and child are left with the pieces you scattered behind. I am glad you told. I just wish it was for the right reasons because then compassion would have been behind them and maybe you would not have printed her a bunch of emails but just spoke to her as a woman in pain to another woman about to be in pain.

[WalkInThePark]

The whole affair dynamic never ceases to amaze me. He created turbulance in your life so you wanted to create some in his. Well creating some in his also created major turbulance in that of his wife and severly disabled child. You didn't do it for the right reasons because she deserved to know to make informed decisions in her life, you did it to hurt him and create upheavel. I have to say I think in this case ignorance would have been bliss. Now you happily go on with your life after your revenge and his wife and child are left with the pieces you scattered behind. I am glad you told. I just wish it was for the right reasons because then compassion would have been behind them and maybe you would not have printed her a bunch of emails but just spoke to her as a woman in pain to another woman about to be in pain.

 

Why would I have to make sacrifices so that they can enjoy a harmonious family life? I don't owe these people anything! My life as a single woman was not perfect but it was also pretty harmonious and that man seriously disturbed the fragile balance I had found. I told her because I wanted to "settle the account" in some way and it worked because I feel free now.

 

Whatever hurt and pieces was created, were not created by me but by HIM. If he would not have cheated, there would not have been anything to tell her...

Edited September 22, 2010 by WalkInThePark

[greengoddess]

Why would I have to make sacrifices so that they can enjoy a harmonious family life? I don't owe these people anything! My life as a single woman was not perfect but it was also pretty harmonious and that man seriously disturbed the fragile balance I had found.

 

Whatever hurt and pieces was created, were not created by me but by HIM.

 

Because it's called life and living with some compassion in your heart for others not reaching out in some kind of selfish revenge not caring who gets hurt in the process.

Hey I agree with your decision to tell and I'm glad she knows. I have no clue why you have no compassion for this woman or her child though. She was probably snowed just as badly as you were by him.

[WalkInThePark]

Because it's called life and living with some compassion in your heart for others not reaching out in some kind of selfish revenge not caring who gets hurt in the process.

Hey I agree with your decision to tell and I'm glad she knows. I have no clue why you have no compassion for this woman or her child though. She was probably snowed just as badly as you were by him.

 

At his moment in time, after having given a lot of compassion to xMM, the only one I have compassion for is myself.

But now that we are on to it, how much compassion do you show for someone if you know her H cheats but she does not have a clue? And believe me, from her reaction I could tell that she absolutely did not have any clue. All she knew was that he had left her 4 years ago but she did not know that there had been affairs before that nor that he was still in contact with the lady he left her for at the time...

[silktricks]

but He goes on vacations alone - they don't do that as a family.

For her Bday he sent her to Mexico to visit her bro - seems like a nice gift

 

I've really chopped up your posting...

 

but just wanted to add my experience (doesn't really have anything to do with yours, so please don't take this wrong.. ). My husband when having his affair was always telling the OW about vacations he was taking "alone" and other things he was doing "alone". Most of those vacations he was not alone, he was with me. The ones where he was alone, were not vacations, they were business trips - but he made them sound like vacations when talking/writing to her.

[BB07]

Just for future reference, a seperated man is not a single man.

A seperated man is in fact married.

 

You are right about a separated man not being single, but it is not quite the same as fully being in the marriage. Separated implies that the marriage is over and the logical next step is divorce when the law allows that enough time has passed in order to get a divorce. Granted, this is not always the case as some people use the separated phase as some time apart and to reevaluate if they want to be married or not. On the other hand some people really do see a separation as the next stepping stone to a divorce.

 

And then we have those MM who flat out lie about being separated, when in fact they are very much married, as happened to me and WalkInThePark. To lie about it, is another thing entirely and I'd bet that WalkInThePark was served up a lot of other lies just like me so that she would believe that this particular separation was a stepping stone to divorce.

 

It's murky seeing someone who is separated, I certainly will give anyone that concession and I now agree it's too risky to even consider. Even if the separated party is being honest, it's a very difficult and confusing time for them and it's not a good time to get involved with someone who is in that stage. I for one, will NEVER ever date someone who is separated again. My recent experience has made me so cynical that I will require some proof of a divorce.

 

Just sign me........lessons learned from the school of hard knocks.

[greengoddess]

LOL I don't think you ever had anything but contempt for his wife.

 

I don't feel any guilt towards his W or his M. I didn't do anything wrong. He should have decided to work on his M instead of searching for another relationship and his W should do an effort to be an interesting partner instead of being depressed and moaning all the time over the fact that she has a disabled child. Yes, their child is disabled but her other children are healthy and beautiful, her husband makes a lot of money and does a lot of efforts for her and his family.

 

WOW OUCH!! I think you need to examine that.

[WalkInThePark]

I for one, will NEVER ever date someone who is separated again. My recent experience has made me so cynical that I will require some proof of a divorce.

 

Just sign me........lessons learned from the school of hard knocks.

 

Same here!

 

I am 45 and I never ever had anything with a MM before this. Not even a flirt. And I have been working for 22 years with men who were married, never approached one of them in an inappropriate way, never let myself be approached in an inappropriate way,...

As a matter of fact, some months before I met my xMM, I had a date with a guy who had described himself as single in his profile. Just before the date, I checked the pictures he had sent me so that I was sure if I would recognize him. Well on one of the pictures, he was wearing a wedding ring and the picture had been taken some months ago.

So when I meet this guy, the first thing I look for is whether he wears a wedding ring or not. He did and I immediately told him that the date was over.

My xMM was way smarter and smoother. He took off his wedding ring each time we saw each other.

[greengoddess]

But now that we are on to it, how much compassion do you show for someone if you know her H cheats but she does not have a clue? And believe me, from her reaction I could tell that she absolutely did not have any clue. All she knew was that he had left her 4 years ago but she did not know that there had been affairs before that nor that he was still in contact with the lady he left her for at the time...

 

 

LOL I shall answer this with your own words.

 

 

 

I understand how you feel. 've been there myself. Trusting someone does NOT make you an idiot. A friend of mine told me: "It's only a thief who expects that someone will steal from him."

If you are an honest person yourself, then you expect others to be honest as well.

 

 

 

[BB07]

Ok, WalkInThePark, I have a crow to pick with you.

 

After reading more of your posts, I do think the bulk of your reasons for telling the wife was revenge and that isn't a good thing. Look I get your anger, oh do I get it, but she isn't the one that is the cause of your anger and I feel very sad for the poor woman.

 

I took this quote from your other post.

WalkInThePark said

I don't feel any guilt towards his W or his M. I didn't do anything wrong. He should have decided to work on his M instead of searching for another relationship and his W should do an effort to be an interesting partner instead of being depressed and moaning all the time over the fact that she has a disabled child. Yes, their child is disabled but her other children are healthy and beautiful, her husband makes a lot of money and does a lot of efforts for her and his family.

 

As the parent to a disabled child, I take offense at your coldness and cruel attitude about it. In fact, it really makes me angry, because I know so well what that woman went through and is going through. My daughter is now almost 20 years old and I can not begin to tell you of the pain and grief that comes with having a disabled child and oh, just because you have other healthy children and I do have another daughter, it in NO WAY takes away any of the grief or pain away from having another child who is not healthy.

I'm struggling to contain my anger about your arrogance about something that you obviously have no understanding of or compassion for.

 

Good grief woman.........get a heart!

[WalkInThePark]

Greengoddess and BB07, are you telling me that if this woman would not have a disabled child, it would be OK to tell her that her H is a cheater but now that she has a disabled child, it is not?

So having a disabled child makes one disabled themselves because all of a sudden they become a very fragile porcelain statue who is not able to face reality?

 

Of course I told her out of revenge and to get even, did I ever say something else? But I am not the cause of her hurt, her H is.

[BB07]

Greengoddess and BB07, are you telling me that if this woman would not have a disabled child, it would be OK to tell her that her H is a cheater but now that she has a disabled child, it is not?

So having a disabled child makes one disabled themselves because all of a sudden they become a very fragile porcelain statue who is not able to face reality?

 

Of course I told her out of revenge and to get even, did I ever say something else? But I am not the cause of her hurt, her H is.

 

OK, you are admitting that you did tell her out of revenge. So be it, that was your choice although IMO a bad choice. Now as for you being the cause of her hurt, yes you've hurt her. Her hubby is the main culprit but don't say you haven't or else you wouldn't have sent the emails out of revenge as you clearly admitted.

 

What does this have to do with telling a woman that her H cheats on her? Do people have to get a VIP treatment just because they have a disabled child? That is actually what my xMM seems to think. I have noticed how he abuses the fact that he has a disabled child as a constant excuse in his life.

So people with disabled children are not better people than other people.

 

Oh please.........stop with the BS, just because she has a disabled child and I have a disabled child doesn't make me any better than anyone else and no I don't deserve saint of the year because I do. I am no less or more special than anyone else.

My issue with YOU has to do with your cold and callous attitude toward his wife, concerning their disabled child. Since you don't have one, you don't have a frickin clue what they have been through and what they both are still going through and frankly you come across as having no empathy at all about, maybe it's because you are so angry.

 

Here are some facts for you about couples who have a disabled child. Up to 90% of marriages end up in divorce, because the stress is astronomically more than most other people cope with on a daily basis. My marriage to my daughters father was one of those casualties. I don't expect you to "get it", but again it's your cold and callous attitude about this woman and what she is dealing with that gets me angry. I KNOW where she is at, and let me tell you, it's HELL on earth.

[TigerCub]

I've really chopped up your posting...

 

but just wanted to add my experience (doesn't really have anything to do with yours, so please don't take this wrong.. ). My husband when having his affair was always telling the OW about vacations he was taking "alone" and other things he was doing "alone". Most of those vacations he was not alone, he was with me. The ones where he was alone, were not vacations, they were business trips - but he made them sound like vacations when talking/writing to her.

 

I totally see what you're saying - and I think in some other post somewhere I did say - that one could argue that MMs lie so what he could be telling me is false.

 

But from the vacations that he was taking, since I knew him - only a little over a year.

He went on one with his guy friends, and i knew that one to be true.

The other, he's taking in Dec. and asked me to go with him (and I know its not a work trip - cuz it way too far for work)

 

and then he sent her to mexico and was telling me how happy he was to just be with his son.

 

But I totally get what you're saying. I just think it was the truth in these cases.

Also, forget vacations, I just knew that he'd spend a lot of time with his friends, and he'd always try to invite me along. (so I knew that she obviously wouldn't be there) and then other times he'd be with me.

[TigerCub]

What does this have to do with telling a woman that her H cheats on her? Do people have to get a VIP treatment just because they have a disabled child? That is actually what my xMM seems to think. I have noticed how he abuses the fact that he has a disabled child as a constant excuse in his life.

So people with disabled children are not better people than other people.

 

WITP, it just seems that your anger is completely misdirected.

You wanted to get even - fine I get that. But you hurt the wrong person.

Yes, we can all agree that H hurt the wife more because he's the one that took vows, etc...

 

But you sent her the emails, in order to hurt her, to get back at him. That's just not fair to her - she's been hurt enough, don't you think?

 

As far as people with disabilities, or those who have kids with disabilities getting special treatment - that's not true, but a little compassion for their incredibly difficult circumstance would be nice.

 

Somewhere in your other posts you asked "why should they go on living their harmonious family life?" I'm sure that (even without an affair and just by having a disabled child) their life would be anything but harmonious.

 

I think that's what the comments here are about.

 

I see that you're in pain. I do get that, and I'm sorry you're hurting. And I totally think that your anger is justified, I just think that it was greatly misdirected.

[BB07]

Good post TigerCub.

 

WalkInThePark, I'm sorry to say that I think someday you are going to regret your act of revenge and you are going to think back and wish that you had more compassion for this woman and her circumstances. I think right now your anger is blinding you to empathy.

 

I'm curious, how old is the child that has the disabilities?

[greengoddess]

Not even so much the revenge of telling her but the absolute cold heartedness of blaming the wife for his affair because she whined and moaned over having a disabled kid? I am stunned speechless. What an ass this man was, out running around with you instead of home when he could be helping his wife with their daughter.

 

I guess in your mind this woman was supposed to work from home for their business, which also means she had the brunt of the domestic duties since she was home even though she was working, Take care of her healthy children and a disabled child and then put on a happy smiling face for her husband when he managed to walk in the door. Oh and don't forget she needed her makeup perfect too right? Oh and she should just be happy he makes a lot of money and has other healthy kids. How dare her not be thankful for that right? I am seriously sick over this. How dare you blame this woman for his affair. I swear I think you are also blaming the disabled child for him not leaving.

[Mimolicious]

Mimolicious, who are you talking about when you talk about "ramming into someone else's life"? About me or about my xMM?

The way I see it, from the moment my xMM came into my life and deliberately posed as a separated man while he was in fact married, he took the risk of me telling his W about the whole thing at one point in time.

It is not my task to take care of his W and his M. That is their task.

 

 

Well to be in total honesty, it kinda applies to you xMM in your case because he lied to you and you didn't know. Like I said before, you don't know what you don't know. BASTARD HE IS!

 

In other scenarios some people just DGAF! They could give a rats ass about what they do and who they do it to.

 

WITP- count your blessings. In reality you are in a better place than his babymomma. She is tied to the doof for life.

[Mimolicious]

I agree that the MM can put on a good act - that's for sure, that's how he gets to have the A and not get caught.

The bolded stuff that you pointed out is a real question to me.

How can W NOT notice that something is missing in her R?

I'm speaking based on my exMM and his girl.

He doesn't spend much time at home, they don't seem to do much stuff together - he wanted to take me out on weekend nights, etc...

 

So my question was real. Does she not notice that its missing? (maybe he was always like that with her before, I dunno)

 

If she doesn't notice, then maybe she really is "ignorant" to the affair - and all the other times he slept around behind her back - and if that's the case, then maybe "ignorance is bliss" - if she's happy enough and doesnt know she was betrayed multiple times.

 

 

Maybe delusional or ignorant to the facts, but I never called her a bitch.

 

 

 

That's most likely what's going on.

But if she's happy doing that, then no harm no foul ?

 

Bolded part- you see, you are smarter than you think. You answer your own questions. LOL! If it walks like a duck chances are IT IS a duck. Perhaps this behavior of his is second nature and it is the person that she is used to knowing. What 'difference' can she detect if this is his norm. If he has cheated multiple times, then it is his M.O.

 

FYI- you didn't call her a bitch. That was my word...

[2sure]

Sure, when I didnt know my H was cheating...I was happy. Ignorance was bliss. His behavior eventually undermined our marriage until I knew something was wrong but didnt know what. After D-Day I felt as though it was as if I had treatable cancer and everyone knew but me.

 

So , yeah - I suppose not knowing can be bliss only if the marriage is truly happy, if both are in love with each other. Which somehow makes the betrayal worse . If the marriage is not happy or is being undermined by an unknown affair....bliss? No.

[Mimolicious]

I really like what you said up there - gonna repeat it to myself daily

 

 

Please do! because it is the nitty-gritty. I've been in a very dark place before and to be honest, it's not worth it. I don't care how much I have flying little red thingys for someone, they are not worth my sanity, health and time if they are not 100% for me. Only my kids are that valuable, secondly me. Maybe if we realize this more often than we would want to, we can save all the drama that sometimes we bring upon ourselves. Some of us really look for it, for going after the impossible.

 

I rather have my self-created and self-supported bliss because in solitude noone can call me ignorant. Ignorant to what and to who?!