Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

[TigerCub]

In a thread called The BS and AP are more different than you think

the initial post was describing how the W is happy and goes about things differently than the AP who's constantly stressing about her status with MM and how she doesn't get as much time as she likes, constantly worries about how she's going to look for MM, etc....

 

It got me thinking - is the W that's ignorant to her MM's affairs really that much better off?

 

Before that post I often wondered if my MM's baby momma was better off.

Sure, she didn't know that he cheated on her repeatedly, she didn't know that he loved someone else now, but so what?...

She gets to sleep next to him every night, she gets to have him provide for her, and if she really did not have any clue that something was off/missing (which I really, btw, can't understand how that is), then isn't she better off?

 

I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, I'd like to know, because I don't want to be played for a fool, I'd want to know if the person I'm giving my heart to is not being honest or loyal, and I still stand by that.

 

But...after getting involved in an A, it really got me wondering if Ignorance is Indeed Bliss?

 

If W doesn't know or doesn't feel anything is missing - then, she's either:

A. Clueless and so self involved to not notice anything else around her

B. In Bliss

 

Thoughts?....

 

p.s. For arguments sake, lets assume that MM is always safe and doesn't bring any STDs back to wife - just to skip that part of the argument. I'm talking about just being ignorant to the affair and the problems in R aspect.

Thanks

Edited September 21, 2010 by TigerCub

[Brokenlady]

This is sort of a "if a tree falls in the woods..." kind of question. The problem is that nothing happens in a vacuum. Whether a BS can feel it or not, some type of energy is being removed from the M and taken elsewhere. There is consequences to her even if she doesn't "feel" it.

 

It seems to me that most BS's have a "gut" feeling about the existence of an A, though they may not act on it right away. It's palpable when energy you put into the relationship is not recycled back in - you can just feel the emotional draft somewhere. It may not be enough to render you uncomfortable, but it's there. That being said, I don't think it's possible to be truly completely "ignorant" of the affair (though it may feel that way at D-Day).

 

Assuming complete ignorance though - I cannot say I'd rather be ignorant and blissful. The inherent falseness of that renders it unattractive. I would rather be alone than with someone who is pretending to love and cherish me and our realtionship. There is just no substitute for the real thing.

[greengoddess]

Tigercub one reocurring theme here is that the ow/om just can not understand how a betrayed spouse can not possibly know. It is all in the perspective. To you the ow/om your love is all consuming and you are thinking about it all the time. You believe he must go home and act different because he is so in love with me. In many cases the mm is all consumed with the ow monday through friday 8am to 6pm and then he is back to playing happy family with his wife and kids. Many of these men are very, very good at compartmentalizing everything. You are his work time lover and his wife and family are his life outside of work. To assme she doesn't know because she is too self involved is very judgmental. Why would she believe her husband is anywhere but where he says he is? She TRUSTS him when he says he is working late. She thinks he is working his butt off to provide for his family he loves. She trusts he is on business trips. She trusts he is texting about work. He has not given her a reason not to trust him yet...but the ow/om have plenty of reason not to trust him. They KNOW he lies to his wife, his kids, and his friends.

 

No the wife is never better off not knowing. She is wasting her life in a marriage that is a sham. She needs the truth.

[greengoddess]

This is sort of a "if a tree falls in the woods..." kind of question. The problem is that nothing happens in a vacuum. Whether a BS can feel it or not, some type of energy is being removed from the M and taken elsewhere. There is consequences to her even if she doesn't "feel" it.

 

It seems to me that most BS's have a "gut" feeling about the existence of an A, though they may not act on it right away. It's palpable when energy you put into the relationship is not recycled back in - you can just feel the emotional draft somewhere. It may not be enough to render you uncomfortable, but it's there. That being said, I don't think it's possible to be truly completely "ignorant" of the affair (though it may feel that way at D-Day).

 

Assuming complete ignorance though - I cannot say I'd rather be ignorant and blissful. The inherent falseness of that renders it unattractive. I would rather be alone than with someone who is pretending to love and cherish me and our realtionship. There is just no substitute for the real thing.

 

 

Many many times that gut feeling is acted upon and the husband/wife ask what's up what's going on and it is often insisted over and over again that they are really under a lot of stress at wirk and are exhausted. The stress at work ends up becoming areality because the effort that should be put into the career is replaced by phone callsm texts and secret meetings with the ow.

[Star_Bright]

Hmmm. Well I think, if wife is truly ignorant, then yeah, why wouldn't it be bliss? If being with MM. was bliss for her in the first place. I think often there must already be problems in the marriage. But if she doesn't know he's cheating and feels happy with him, then yeah, I can see how it can equate to bliss.

 

I too struggle with wondering how wife could not know. In my sitch even before our affair went physical, we spent so much time together, or even if I was off doing my own thing, MM (before he was MY MM, if that makes sense) was off doing his own thing with his buddies... He was very rarely at home with her. I used to think, how can it be okay with his wife that he stays out so much?!?! I'm sure it wasn't okay but that she just put up with it.

 

Now, she does know. I often wonder how this must feel. She is apparently happier staying with him after knowing, then leaving. It was messing with my head to no end. He would spent ALL his free time, save for going to a game of his kid's for an hour or so now and then, with me. How could that be good for his kids, which is why he was saying it was hard for him to leave?? Then according to him she would ask him if he was still seeing me and still having feelings for me and he would say no. Yet she had to have known if she was asking... and all she would have to do is look at his phone or phone bill because we were texting and talking and emailing constantly and there was no longer any reason to be. How could she be happy that way??? It boggles my mind. But what finally settled it for me was that I wasn't happy that way. So maybe she waited it out, knowing I'd get tired of his crap and she would still have him??? Ha ha. I just don't know. I guess I will never understand it and all I know is I could not be happy in his wife's shoes and I wasn't happy in my own shoes so I am trying to wear new shoes now. Ha ha.

[bentnotbroken]

Sure. I enjoyed being blissfully ignorant(can't skip what typically happens) to be exposed to STD's, out-of control ow/s, gas lighting, and people invading my home.

[greengoddess]

Star bright does your mm's wife work? Sometimes when you have very active kids that participate in sports, have a ton of friends and a multitude of activities someone has to be there for those activities. The husband is working his butt off day in and day out and the wife believes he is working mega overtime and then when he is off she believes he needs a break. An outlet a release from it all and she very nicely may suggest he go and relax and have some fun with his buddies. Play some golf, go sailing, kayaking whatever that he really enjoys to blow some steam off while she is running around doing kid activities. She loves him and wants him to relax have fun and be happy. Married people are not connected at the hip when they are not at work. If you trust each other you should be confortable letting each other do things outside of the family.

[TigerCub]

This is sort of a "if a tree falls in the woods..." kind of question. The problem is that nothing happens in a vacuum. Whether a BS can feel it or not, some type of energy is being removed from the M and taken elsewhere. There is consequences to her even if she doesn't "feel" it.

 

It seems to me that most BS's have a "gut" feeling about the existence of an A, though they may not act on it right away. It's palpable when energy you put into the relationship is not recycled back in - you can just feel the emotional draft somewhere. It may not be enough to render you uncomfortable, but it's there. That being said, I don't think it's possible to be truly completely "ignorant" of the affair (though it may feel that way at D-Day).

 

Thanks BrokenLady.

Thar remark about the gut feeling is what I agree with, but can't quite figure out why they don't look into it. It's not a judgment at all, and I guess that maybe some of them just don't want to face the answer to that question and just turn a blind eye. But I do believe that there has to be clues, feeling that something is indeed missing, but I dunno...maybe the "ignorance" in that case is chosen.

 

Assuming complete ignorance though - I cannot say I'd rather be ignorant and blissful. The inherent falseness of that renders it unattractive. I would rather be alone than with someone who is pretending to love and cherish me and our realtionship. There is just no substitute for the real thing.

I think that too. I would rather be alone than living a lie.

 

Thanks again

[TigerCub]

Tigercub one reocurring theme here is that the ow/om just can not understand how a betrayed spouse can not possibly know. It is all in the perspective. To you the ow/om your love is all consuming and you are thinking about it all the time. You believe he must go home and act different because he is so in love with me. In many cases the mm is all consumed with the ow monday through friday 8am to 6pm and then he is back to playing happy family with his wife and kids.

 

I really don't think that he goes home and acts all differently. I'm sure that he goes home and plays house - that's what actually got me thinking about the whole "Ignorance is bliss" thing. I was thinking, that I'm sure he goes home and is sweet to his girl, gives her gifts, provides for her and the kids, etc... and the only reason they don't have sex as often as he'd like, is because SHE doesn't want to.

 

Many of these men are very, very good at compartmentalizing everything. You are his work time lover and his wife and family are his life outside of work. To assme she doesn't know because she is too self involved is very judgmental. Why would she believe her husband is anywhere but where he says he is? She TRUSTS him when he says he is working late. She thinks he is working his butt off to provide for his family he loves. She trusts he is on business trips. She trusts he is texting about work. He has not given her a reason not to trust him yet...but the ow/om have plenty of reason not to trust him. They KNOW he lies to his wife, his kids, and his friends.

 

If we're talking about my particular situation. I do think that she's either totally clueless, or just turning a blind eye - simply because they don't do things together. I know you cold argue that MM lies and of course isn't going to give me a lot of details, etc...

but He goes on vacations alone - they don't do that as a family.

For her Bday he sent her to Mexico to visit her bro - seems like a nice gift, except for how he was talking about being so happy to be alone with his son for a whole week.

 

He used to go out with me in evenings / weekends. (some, I resisted a LOT of invitations because I was resisting the A)

 

So I know that he spends a lot of time with his boys, and he used to with me when we were going on.

 

So it really begs the question - how could she not have felt that something is missing, even if he was putting on a nice/sweet/ devoted act when he was home?

 

No the wife is never better off not knowing. She is wasting her life in a marriage that is a sham. She needs the truth.

I do agree with that, but I think I had my moments when I thought of this woman in particular, I would think "wow, if she really doesn't feel like anything is missing, and if she really doesn't think anything is wrong - she must be a very happy person" - but those moments of thinking like that don't last

[TigerCub]

Hmmm. Well I think, if wife is truly ignorant, then yeah, why wouldn't it be bliss? If being with MM. was bliss for her in the first place. I think often there must already be problems in the marriage. But if she doesn't know he's cheating and feels happy with him, then yeah, I can see how it can equate to bliss.

 

See, I had my moments when I thought that - when thinking of exMM's baby momma (but I really can't see how she doesn't think anything is up) - but anyways, these moments don't last, because truly, I would rather know if I'm investing my life into a fraud.

 

But I dunno, I do admit that I had my moments when I thought, if she really didn't have any doubts, and she's got this good looking, charming, successful, playful guy that's providing for her and their kids, then maybe ignorance is bliss.

 

I snap out of it soon enough tho

[TigerCub]

Sure. I enjoyed being blissfully ignorant(can't skip what typically happens) to be exposed to STD's, out-of control ow/s, gas lighting, and people invading my home.

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with so much Bent.

I do understand that there is a time when light is shed onto the issue - but my question was "until then, are the Ws just happy"

 

But considering all that you went through, all I'll say, is that nothing stays secret forever, and I def recognize the consequences you had to suffer because of SOMEONE else's actions, and I'm sorry for that.

[greengoddess]

See, I had my moments when I thought that - when thinking of exMM's baby momma (but I really can't see how she doesn't think anything is up) - but anyways, these moments don't last, because truly, I would rather know if I'm investing my life into a fraud.

 

But I dunno, I do admit that I had my moments when I thought, if she really didn't have any doubts, and she's got this good looking, charming, successful, playful guy that's providing for her and their kids, then maybe ignorance is bliss.

 

I snap out of it soon enough tho

 

 

Ha just tell her TigerCub and then you wont have to think about these thoughts anymore. I like how you have changed her from a woman or his wife to just his baby momma. You are minimizing her in his life as nothing more than an ovary and uterus for him.

[TigerCub]

Ha just tell her TigerCub and then you wont have to think about these thoughts anymore. I like how you have changed her from a woman or his wife to just his baby momma. You are minimizing her in his life as nothing more than an ovary and uterus for him.

 

Actually in most of my posts I referred to her as Baby Momma. Its not a new thing.

 

I called him MM - well cuz I didn't know the term AM

and because they are pretty much "married" - not on paper, but they do live together, have a house, cars and 2 kids.

 

Nice try @ the insight of minimizing her - but I'm not, I've usually referred to her as Baby Momma .

 

As for telling her - why would I? If she's happy with her illusion that's fine.

I see MM for what he is, and that's why I'm done.

 

I was just wondering about the whole Ignorance is bliss thing, just because it was on my mind before, and then I saw that thread I mentioned in the intro.

 

Thanks for you input

[Star_Bright]

Star bright does your mm's wife work? Sometimes when you have very active kids that participate in sports, have a ton of friends and a multitude of activities someone has to be there for those activities. The husband is working his butt off day in and day out and the wife believes he is working mega overtime and then when he is off she believes he needs a break. An outlet a release from it all and she very nicely may suggest he go and relax and have some fun with his buddies. Play some golf, go sailing, kayaking whatever that he really enjoys to blow some steam off while she is running around doing kid activities. She loves him and wants him to relax have fun and be happy. Married people are not connected at the hip when they are not at work. If you trust each other you should be confortable letting each other do things outside of the family.

 

I understand what you're saying GreenGoddess and I think my exMM was an extreme case b/c he was NEVER home. Before our affair started he would go out after work almost every night and drink. I would drink with him and then leave and he would stay out drinking until his wife was in bed. I think he was avoiding her before I ever even met him. Then once our A was in full bloom he was with me ALL THE TIME. I'm not exaggerating. I worked with him and every spare moment he wasn't at work, he was with me, even staying over sometimes, never going home before midnight or so. Sometimes he would go meet his teenage kids for an event and come back. Once in awhile he would go to a dinner event with her and then meet up with me afterwards; she would go home to the kids and he would go see me. I guess before she knew about us she could have thought he was just out with friends A LOT. But after she knew about us?? She had to know and did know he was still seeing me but I guess she was just waiting it out... Which worked ha ha b/c I started to think, why would I want to stay with him when he claims his family is so important but he is ALWAYS with me???

[greengoddess]

Actually in most of my posts I referred to her as Baby Momma. Its not a new thing.

 

I called him MM - well cuz I didn't know the term AM

and because they are pretty much "married" - not on paper, but they do live together, have a house, cars and 2 kids.

 

Nice try @ the insight of minimizing her - but I'm not, I've usually referred to her as Baby Momma .

 

As for telling her - why would I? If she's happy with her illusion that's fine.

I see MM for what he is, and that's why I'm done.

 

I was just wondering about the whole Ignorance is bliss thing, just because it was on my mind before, and then I saw that thread I mentioned in the intro.

 

Thanks for you input

ooops ten characters. goofed up posters lol.

[greengoddess]

I understand what you're saying GreenGoddess and I think my exMM was an extreme case b/c he was NEVER home. Before our affair started he would go out after work almost every night and drink. I would drink with him and then leave and he would stay out drinking until his wife was in bed. I think he was avoiding her before I ever even met him. Then once our A was in full bloom he was with me ALL THE TIME. I'm not exaggerating. I worked with him and every spare moment he wasn't at work, he was with me, even staying over sometimes, never going home before midnight or so. Sometimes he would go meet his teenage kids for an event and come back. Once in awhile he would go to a dinner event with her and then meet up with me afterwards; she would go home to the kids and he would go see me. I guess before she knew about us she could have thought he was just out with friends A LOT. But after she knew about us?? She had to know and did know he was still seeing me but I guess she was just waiting it out... Which worked ha ha b/c I started to think, why would I want to stay with him when he claims his family is so important but he is ALWAYS with me???

 

 

Is it possible that he was not avoiding his wife but that he has an alcohol problem and his wife did not approve of his drinking so he would drink and not go home? Yep you did the right thing. How can he claim he is staying for the kids and then never be home?

Edited September 21, 2010 by greengoddess

[stillafool]

Is Ignorance Really Bliss? No, I wouldn't want to be ignorant to a cheating husband who has no respect for me, the marriage, and most of all for my time. I would rather know so I am not wasting my time with someone who doesn't take me as seriously as I take them. I would know so I could move on to someone else who truly wants me and only me. Time is precious and you can't get it back.

[TigerCub]

Is it possible that he was not avoiding his wife but that he has an alcohol problem and his wife did not approve of his drinking so he would drink and not go home?

 

Haha - that made me laugh out loud - its definitely a possibility...

[Star_Bright]

Is it possible that he was not avoiding his wife but that he has an alcohol problem and his wife did not approve of his drinking so he would drink and not go home? Yep you did the right thing. How can he claim he is staying for the kids and then never be home?

 

Yes, I guess he could have an alcohol problem. I don't know if he was drinking to avoid her, or avoiding her to drink, but I do know he drank a lot. We both did.

 

The staying for the kids and then being with me and/or drinking thing really confused me. I guess it was just an excuse or he was really unsure what he really wanted.

[Owl]

Here's my take.

 

Even if the BS doesn't "suspect"...there's still something missing, nearly always.

 

All that emotional investment that the WS is investing in the OW/OM actually DETRACTS from what they normally would invest in the marriage. (Now, I'll grant sometimes they're not investing regardless, but often there's still a good deal of 'withdrawl' from the marriage on their part when the A starts).

 

So it's not 'bliss'. The BS is getting less than they normally do (again, most times)...and that does normally make everyone unhappy. They ask the WS and get gaslighted (oh, it's nothing), and they try to accept that because most of the time deep down they WANT to trust their spouse, often even in the face of some pretty obvious proof.

 

But "bliss"? Not for most people I don't believe.

[TigerCub]

They ask the WS and get gaslighted (oh, it's nothing), and they try to accept that because most of the time deep down they WANT to trust their spouse, often even in the face of some pretty obvious proof.

That's actually the opposite of bliss

Thanks Owl

[greengoddess]

Yes, I guess he could have an alcohol problem. I don't know if he was drinking to avoid her, or avoiding her to drink, but I do know he drank a lot. We both did.

 

The staying for the kids and then being with me and/or drinking thing really confused me. I guess it was just an excuse or he was really unsure what he really wanted.

 

Have you cut down? I hope it hasn't escalated since dumping him. Drinking daily is definitely a problem.

[Star_Bright]

Have you cut down? I hope it hasn't escalated since dumping him. Drinking daily is definitely a problem.

 

I rarely drink now that I'm not with him. I think it was just how we bonded, and I drank with him because he drank. Now I'll go out with girl friends for a happy hour or night out but I don't drink every day after work like when I was with him. I got a new job and am trying to focus on positive thins- I have a writing class two nights a week and a writing group one other night a week. I'm also trying to run more with my dog, and work out at the gym. :-) I definitely didn't like how much I drank when I was with him-- it detracted from my life/goals instead of helping.

[Silly_Girl]

In a thread called The BS and AP are more different than you think

the initial post was describing how the W is happy and goes about things differently than the AP who's constantly stressing about her status with MM and how she doesn't get as much time as she likes, constantly worries about how she's going to look for MM, etc....

 

It got me thinking - is the W that's ignorant to her MM's affairs really that much better off?

 

Before that post I often wondered if my MM's baby momma was better off.

Sure, she didn't know that he cheated on her repeatedly, she didn't know that he loved someone else now, but so what?...

She gets to sleep next to him every night, she gets to have him provide for her, and if she really did not have any clue that something was off/missing (which I really, btw, can't understand how that is), then isn't she better off?

 

I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, I'd like to know, because I don't want to be played for a fool, I'd want to know if the person I'm giving my heart to is not being honest or loyal, and I still stand by that.

 

But...after getting involved in an A, it really got me wondering if Ignorance is Indeed Bliss?

 

If W doesn't know or doesn't feel anything is missing - then, she's either:

A. Clueless and so self involved to not notice anything else around her

B. In Bliss

 

Thoughts?....

 

p.s. For arguments sake, lets assume that MM is always safe and doesn't bring any STDs back to wife - just to skip that part of the argument. I'm talking about just being ignorant to the affair and the problems in R aspect.

Thanks

 

My sister has one of the above approaches. Her guy did go off, in quite a big way, but then came back in a big way and now they are happily married and have provided me with the most gorgeous nephew in the world.

 

I maybe spoke to her a handful of times openly and honestly, about my ex. About how upset I found the lying, how my lie-dar would be going crazy at funny times of the night, or at odd times I couldn't fathom (99% accuracy, to be fair ) and she said something like this:

 

"If he is cheating on me, but treats me well and I don't know there is anything wrong and I feel as much love from as I do now, then there's really no point in me worrying about it. If I'm happy, I'm happy".

 

It floored me. Because I consider myself some sort of truth vigilante! I thought she was joking, but she's not and she stands by that today. She judges him on how he treats her (pretty smart if you ask me) and if she's being treated well she simply can't be worrying that just because he went off once before (he didn't cheat, he left her) that he'll do it again.

 

It was when I started judging my ex on how he treated me and not what he said, that the perspective train hit me hard.

[greengoddess]

I rarely drink now that I'm not with him. I think it was just how we bonded, and I drank with him because he drank. Now I'll go out with girl friends for a happy hour or night out but I don't drink every day after work like when I was with him. I got a new job and am trying to focus on positive thins- I have a writing class two nights a week and a writing group one other night a week. I'm also trying to run more with my dog, and work out at the gym. :-) I definitely didn't like how much I drank when I was with him-- it detracted from my life/goals instead of helping.

 

 

That's great. You have removed all toxins from your life including him.

He's probably still drinking...