leftfield Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I had an interesting thought last night. I was speaking to a female friend who's also feeling pretty distraught after things didn't work out with a guy she had only just started feeling something for. She was telling me how unhappy and upset she was that he basically walked away from it before it really got going, and she said: "I don't even know why I'm so upset, we didn't even have a proper relationship like you and [my ex] did". That was when it struck me that it's not the past I need to let go of, I can't go back there anyway (and I couldn't even if I was still with the ex), it's the future that that I need to accept is now gone forever. As I said to my friend, both my ex and this guy she liked have pulled the rug out from under us, and left us feeling uncertain about the future, unsure of ourselves and basically lost and alone. All my plans and expectations of life went with that rug. The worst thing is that rug really tied my life together She took it and peed on it (figuratively speaking). I realise it's not the past that I have to accept is gone - that fact is true for everyone from dumpers and dumpees to married couples and brand new lovers - it's an acceptance that my future is no longer what I thought it was going to be. It's one in which she will not share my experiences, laugh with me, shout at me, cry on me, tell me about her day or hear about mine, and that makes me sad sometimes. I still want to tell her about a song I heard, or a film I saw, or a conversation I had, and I really want to be close to her right now. I can't do any of that any more. My future is now mine and mine alone, and although I have no expectations of it, I am slowly beginning to have hopes for it. I don't need to accept the past is gone, that's a self-evident truth. I just need to accept my future is now completely wide open, which I suppose is actually quite liberating. Maybe I'm moving on. 1
pandagirl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 It's true. It's the loss of the future that is really hard to take. My future was always with him, and now it's... not. It leaves you will a sense of emptiness and sadness, but it's also good to remind yourself that, really, the future is *never* written in stone, so you might as well accept that and move on.
Leandro Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Yea your future is what you make it. Not what your ex makes it. I'm still going to do what I planned with my ex, just without her now. . Her loss!
YSS Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 The loss/ending of a relationship is more than just the loss of the person, its also a loss of the hopes for a future. It does not mean that we got our lives all caught up with the other person, cause its normal for a relationship to have goals of progress and dreams of tomorrows together, so when he/she leaves us....we feel a deep loss on so many levels. Your post is bang on - we miss them for them and what they brought to us, and the everyday routines but we all lost our "vision" of what our tomorrows could of been. Now our tomorrows can seem bleak, they can seem as a clean slate to start fresh, or it can be liberating in becoming clear on what kind of person you want in your life (lessons learned from this experience). Where we sit on "how tomorrow looks" all depends on where we are with healing over our loss and truly seeing our EX for who they are and ultimately how they treated us in the ending of our relationship. From my experience, someone who does an absolute about-face on how they treat us when leaving us as opposed to when they were with us...its not a genuine/authentic person. Cause if you really care for someone, there is no reason to completely pull the rug from under him/her and dismiss them out of your life like he/she did some horrid thing (unless the person really did so something awaful like cheat etc). When the dumpee is the "better" person than the dumper....that speaks volume about the dumper. More is realved of someone's character when dealing with adversity than when dealing with things are great in life. People underestimate the need to grieve the ending of a relationship cause its more than just the loss of him/her....it reaches far deeper and as a result it hurts us deeply. Good luck to you.
heart_stumble Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This thread hits home for me, and yeah YSS times of adversity really do bring out someone's character. First hand experience in my break up. In addition to the sadness,emptiness bleak outlook I think letting go of the future is also connected to the fears we experience. By accepting the bitter end we open ourselves to a our new future.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I wish it were easy thought, it's the future I am having a hard time facing that I have to let it go, I was planning to propose (She had said yes as we talked about it) , Planned an Island wedding and to have kids together. It's hard thinking of another when I wanted her to be the mother of my kids.
Ajax Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) All my plans and expectations of life went with that rug. The worst thing is that rug really tied my life together She took it and peed on it (figuratively speaking). Someone peed on your rug, Dude? I was actually talking to my therapist about this very issue today. My ex and I were really looking forward to fall, or at least I thought she was. We were going to go to a corn maze, apple picking, a concert, maybe a play... and now it's not going to happen. And though we weren't ready to get married yet, we had discussed it and knew that we each wanted that. Though I guess she doesn't want it with me. As much as I need to let go of this future, I haven't been able to do it yet. There are days when I realize my future is wide open and ready for me to fill it with whatever and whoever I want. But then invariably there are days when the only one I want to fill it with is her. Edited September 22, 2010 by Ajax
Author leftfield Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Someone peed on your rug, Dude? I was actually talking to my therapist about this very issue today. My ex and I were really looking forward to fall, or at least I thought she was. We were going to go to a corn maze, apple picking, a concert, maybe a play... and now it's not going to happen. And though we weren't ready to get married yet, we had discussed it and knew that we each wanted that. Though I guess she doesn't want it with me. As much as I need to let go of this future, I haven't been able to do it yet. There are days when I realize my future is wide open and ready for me to fill it with whatever and whoever I want. But then invariably there are days when the only one I want to fill it with is her. Yeah man. My ex is such a nihilist. While I found this to be an important 'revelation', I realise that many people before me have reached this conclusion, and they probably didn't know how to let go of these dreams and expectations either. Of course there are things about the past that I still miss (or more accurately reminisce about), like the fact that she was a lovely person that I wanted to be with and who wanted to be with me, whereas now she is a complete stranger. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Last time I saw her, it looked like her, but she wasn't the person inside. It was horrible. How I can reel in my hopes and expectations for the future and re-cast them with an entirely new purpose is completely beyond me. Liberating it may be, but it also makes me feel anxious and lonely every time I think about it.
YSS Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 How I can reel in my hopes and expectations for the future and re-cast them with an entirely new purpose is completely beyond me. Liberating it may be, but it also makes me feel anxious and lonely every time I think about it. I completely understand. Its feels very overwhelming to look too far ahead. The advice I was given, is simply not to, at least not for the time being. For myself, I can only look as far as perhaps one week ahead....thinking of thanksgiving, xmas etc.....puts me in a slump. It feels lonely and anxious cause in reality we do not want ALL this time alone...we want it shared and we had thought we had the found the right partner to share it with us. Perhaps the best thing to do, is merely be present with today and let tomorrow look after itself. Eventually, the future will not be so bleak....as my therpaist said, right now there are bright colours out there representing many wonderful things to come, but cause we are in a darker place seeing things with a dark lens we cannot see the brighter tomorrows but it does NOT mean they are not there. I offer that to you. You are not alone. Good luck to you leftfield, its gotta better with time.
Lovezen_30 Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 There are days when I realize my future is wide open and ready for me to fill it with whatever and whoever I want. But then invariably there are days when the only one I want to fill it with is her. This, basically. There are opportunities gradually opening up to me, so the world is my oyster to an extent. But I also feel that a huge, huge part of my future was ruined and disappeared when he died And that there's no point. It is so hard. It's great to know people are going through sort of similar issues though.
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