Bs

[Spark1111]

Can only assume to show a united front? Warn her off? Hurt her?

 

Certainly could be all of the above. And some pride too....

 

fBS here, and as long as there are secrets in a relationship, it cannot heal.

 

The assumption is the AP knew all or at least many intimate details regarding the marriage during the course of the affair.

 

When a decision to go NC and reconcile is made, I can understand the BS insisting that the AP be made aware that she is now in posession of some (or many) details of the AP's life.

 

I think for two reasons: Do not believe that he returned to me with no questions asked; that I was the little wifey who just took him back. That is pride and I do understand it.

 

The second reason? Yes, a warning off: I now know who YOU are and he and I no longer welcome you into OUR lives. Initiate contact at your risk, IMHO. Preservation is also at work here.

 

I did not do this, but then again the OW in my triangle blatantly broke NC two years later, which prompted me to call her.

 

She was stunned, absolutely stunned, to discover I was NOT the little wifey and that I had known absolutely everything about her and her life....and did not warn her off or seek revenge.

 

She mistook my two years of leaving her alone, my good manners, for obsequiousness.

 

Big mistake.

[Snowflower]

I asked all the questions and found out everything I needed to know. There were some things I didn't ask about (they weren't important to me) and other things I asked my H about repeatedly. He answered consistently each time...no matter how many times/different ways I would ask him.

 

What I don't understand is why so many assume little wifey just takes her errant husband back with no questions asked? From what I have read on LS and other places (not to mention my own experience) I think that scenario is very unusual except in a marriage of convenience. And TBH, how many marriages of convenience are there these days?

 

I think the no questions asked-little wifey is just a stereotype.

[Silly_Girl]

I asked all the questions and found out everything I needed to know. There were some things I didn't ask about (they weren't important to me) and other things I asked my H about repeatedly. He answered consistently each time...no matter how many times/different ways I would ask him.

 

What I don't understand is why so many assume little wifey just takes her errant husband back with no questions asked? From what I have read on LS and other places (not to mention my own experience) I think that scenario is very unusual except in a marriage of convenience. And TBH, how many marriages of convenience are there these days?

 

I think the no questions asked-little wifey is just a stereotype.

 

It's absolutely 100% my experience, and I'm living it right now (well, my bf is), but I totally agree that it's the exception and I think very few people who even bother to take marriage vows would be comfortable with that kind of approach.

[blizzard]

I asked all the questions and found out everything I needed to know. There were some things I didn't ask about (they weren't important to me) and other things I asked my H about repeatedly. He answered consistently each time...no matter how many times/different ways I would ask him.

 

What I don't understand is why so many assume little wifey just takes her errant husband back with no questions asked? From what I have read on LS and other places (not to mention my own experience) I think that scenario is very unusual except in a marriage of convenience. And TBH, how many marriages of convenience are there these days?

 

I think the no questions asked-little wifey is just a stereotype.

 

I honestly believe that the BS asks questions...I would never classify a BS as a wifey stereotype at all. I guess what I am trying to find is that "did you believe" his reponses?

[LoveActually]

I have been reading/learning/healing here for well over a year. I just had to say thanks to the "question askers" camp...you all validated what I thought at the time was obsessive behavior. I asked so many questions/details I thought I would explode. It really did help though. The times when I didn't ask the questions and get the answers..I would fill in the blanks with far worse "answers" of my own. Sixteen months later the questions have pretty much run out...every once in a while something pops in my head...I ask it...he answers it...we move on.

[pureinheart]

The only thing I wanted to know was where the emotional involvement was at...other than that the rest is torture and was not interested in that.

[HappyAtLast]

Certainly could be all of the above. And some pride too....

 

fBS here, and as long as there are secrets in a relationship, it cannot heal.

 

The assumption is the AP knew all or at least many intimate details regarding the marriage during the course of the affair.

 

When a decision to go NC and reconcile is made, I can understand the BS insisting that the AP be made aware that she is now in posession of some (or many) details of the AP's life.

 

I think for two reasons: Do not believe that he returned to me with no questions asked; that I was the little wifey who just took him back. That is pride and I do understand it.

 

The second reason? Yes, a warning off: I now know who YOU are and he and I no longer welcome you into OUR lives. Initiate contact at your risk, IMHO. Preservation is also at work here.

 

I did not do this, but then again the OW in my triangle blatantly broke NC two years later, which prompted me to call her.

 

She was stunned, absolutely stunned, to discover I was NOT the little wifey and that I had known absolutely everything about her and her life....and did not warn her off or seek revenge.

 

She mistook my two years of leaving her alone, my good manners, for obsequiousness.

 

Big mistake.

 

OK, assuming that the OW did not just go away quietly. But, as a man, I would not actively take part in reaching out and hurting a woman that I chose to enter into an affair with just, well, because my wife wanted me to.

 

Explaining further (because the above sounds harsh): If I had wanted to reconcile my marriage in the above situation, I would absolutely end the relationship with the other woman and engage no further. Assuming that the other woman did, in fact, leave us along, I absolutely would not further engage her by posting on her facebook page with my wife.

 

That would negate any responsibility on my part in the affair, and the hurting of two women. While a real man makes a decision and does not try to keep two women on the hook, he also does not deliberately reach out to hurt the other simply because it has ended.

[Snowflower]

It's absolutely 100% my experience, and I'm living it right now (well, my bf is), but I totally agree that it's the exception and I think very few people who even bother to take marriage vows would be comfortable with that kind of approach.

 

SG, thank you for understanding the point that I was trying to make. Every so often, I will read a post from someone who will talk about how their friend/sister/female co-worker will have said that they don't care what their H does as long as he comes home to them. I suppose there are some rare cases where that is true, but sheesh, that hasn't been my experience nor can I imagine anyone I know who would be so blase about their husband's possible extra-curricular activities.

 

When I read something like this, I think it paints such a false picture of how most BW's really think. It then seems to be the accepted stereotype that most wives are okay with their husband's activities as long as it doesn't interfere with the family life.

 

Yuck.

 

I honestly believe that the BS asks questions...I would never classify a BS as a wifey stereotype at all. I guess what I am trying to find is that "did you believe" his reponses?

 

Thanks for writing this. In my experience, I didn't believe his responses, at least not at first. I really wanted to but deep down I had serious doubts. All I could give my H in those early days was the benefit of the doubt. He seemed sincere and remorseful but honestly, it was too soon to tell.

 

It took a long time for me to come to terms with what he had told me and process them in to a way that I could understand and live with in order to continue the marriage. Some people would call this "rationalizing" and I can see their point but for me it was coming to grips with what had happened. I couldn't just forget about it or sweep it under the rug (as it is often assumed about BW), at least for me and many other BS (at least ones who stayed in the marriage) I had to understand what happened to the best of my ability.

 

It has now been nearly two years and I understand things in a different context now. It's still a process though and a difficult one at that.

 

I have been reading/learning/healing here for well over a year. I just had to say thanks to the "question askers" camp...you all validated what I thought at the time was obsessive behavior. I asked so many questions/details I thought I would explode. It really did help though. The times when I didn't ask the questions and get the answers..I would fill in the blanks with far worse "answers" of my own. Sixteen months later the questions have pretty much run out...every once in a while something pops in my head...I ask it...he answers it...we move on.

 

LoveActually, welcome to LS. I can relate exactly to what you wrote and I'm a little further along in the process than you at nearly 2 years. I would also fill in the blanks with much worse answers than what I was told. Most of these horrible scenarios were products of my own imagination which I kept to myself. My husband's answers were often much tamer than what I had imagined.

 

OK, assuming that the OW did not just go away quietly. But, as a man, I would not actively take part in reaching out and hurting a woman that I chose to enter into an affair with just, well, because my wife wanted me to.

 

Explaining further (because the above sounds harsh): If I had wanted to reconcile my marriage in the above situation, I would absolutely end the relationship with the other woman and engage no further. Assuming that the other woman did, in fact, leave us along, I absolutely would not further engage her by posting on her facebook page with my wife.

 

That would negate any responsibility on my part in the affair, and the hurting of two women. While a real man makes a decision and does not try to keep two women on the hook, he also does not deliberately reach out to hurt the other simply because it has ended.

 

I like what you wrote here. I don't talk much about the xOW in my posts but I will say this: I'm not exactly sure what he told the OW other than that it was not going any further between them and that he was going to try to work things out with me. I never asked because I really didn't care what he had said to her. He then went NC.

 

However, he was never outright cruel to her after he established NC. He worked with her at that point and according to him, the few times that he had to see her in a work context he was professional and distant. I think he handled it the best way possible. I'm sure she was hurt and confused by the sudden NC, based on the OW posts I have read. But, he wasn't outright cruel to her either. She stayed away for the most part other than a few hesitant attempts (over the next several months) to reestablish some type of friendship with him which he avoided.

 

If my H had been outright cruel to her it would have been concerning to me. It would have showed me that he might have shown the same cruelty to me when with her. These types of situations often end badly, but all things considered my situation ended about as least painfully as it could have for the people involved, including the OW's husband. NC was established and that was it.

[HappyAtLast]

Snowflower, thank you for understanding my point. I feared it would cause upset and did not want that.

[love4me2c]

Some know my story but I'm going crazy. WH and I are in MC and he will divulge nothing about the affair and is willing to divorce over it. This is killing me. I have 2 small children and he's willing to break up our marriage and family because of his refusal to provide any information. This is all I can think about. I don't know who the OW is, where she's from, does he see her every day? I have no closure on this other than he tells me it is over and is "old news." Our MC says there is nothing to gain by me knowing all of this and she seems to be on his side. I just don't know that I can do it. I don't know what to do.

[JRoy]

Some know my story but I'm going crazy. WH and I are in MC and he will divulge nothing about the affair and is willing to divorce over it. This is killing me. I have 2 small children and he's willing to break up our marriage and family because of his refusal to provide any information. This is all I can think about. I don't know who the OW is, where she's from, does he see her every day? I have no closure on this other than he tells me it is over and is "old news." Our MC says there is nothing to gain by me knowing all of this and she seems to be on his side. I just don't know that I can do it. I don't know what to do.

 

I would say you need to get a second opinion from another MC or even seek IC.

 

If your H is THAT willing to break up because he will not answer your questions, he is either a 'rat' and or still seeing the OW.

 

In any case, how can you trust him? Talk to an attorney. Go into damage control and protect yourself and your children.