blizzard Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You were told wife/husband was having an affair. dday occurs. Wife/husband admits that he or she has had an "inappropriate relationship" with someone and it was definitely wrong. You decide to save your marriage. And husband says he is remorseful. A question...BS would you/do you want to know the truth about your WS affair? Would you want to know other than what WS revealed on dday? Or was his "word" enough for you to move forward in the healing process. When you discovered his affair and he confessed that he had "some kind" of affair was this enough to say let's try to move forward? Or did you doubt him and want to know more? This isn't directed at "who" should tell "whom"...or what's right or wrong of AP. Just wanting to know how BS feels and their perspective.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I was cheated on a few years back and it was strange - I felt like I needed every single detail, every one. He told me everything I wanted to know - down to the very most intimate moments (by intimate I mean specifically sexual). I felt that if I knew everything, then there would be nothing secret (ie: protected) and therefore special to the two of them. Not that I really had to worry, it was a ONS and within a week, he found out that she was playing a game of 'pin the pregnancy on a daddy' game from another guy she had been with that same week. That aside, it was that sense of destroying anything private, special or protected they may have had: exposing it and making it ugly and shameful, something to be regretful of, so that any memory of what happened would be attached to a feeling of 'gross' and 'wrong'. I was lucky in that he did not feel that his word was enough. He was more than happy to divulge whatever I wanted to know.
Owl Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I too needed to know everything. Our MC made a good point to my wife. He explained to her that I needed a clear understanding of the size/scope/depth of what it was I was forgiving.
What_Next Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Based on all the reading and research I did (yes I did tonnes of it) I felt I needed to know every single detail. Even the details of the sex. It helped remove questions and it removed the secret nature of it. I even asked for copies of her phone bills so I could see the calls. It did help me in initally with my emotional roller coaster. It helped level things a little. I knew that if I was going to reconcile this was the only way. Even though I have met someone else and I pursuing that my STBX and I still talk. In fact I am still living under the same roof as her for now. I still ask her questions from time to time. Perhaps it's some crazy test, but she normally answers without hesitiation. At the end of the day DO NOT ask the questions if you are not ready to hear the gory details.
aeh Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Its funny I was just thinking about this this morning. I asked for every single detail one could imagine, and then every permutation thereof. Almost a year and a half later, his OW has no idea exactly what I know other than I discovered a text and said it was inappropriate and he immediately texted her back and told her that and to never contact him again. I really hadn't spent that much time thinking about that -- I guess I always assumed for some strange reason that she knew I had found out the whole enchilada and was dealing with it but had not exposed it to the OW's husband. And here, for all I know, she thinks that I just think they had some "inappropriate banter". She has no idea that I know about each position, what she sounded like, her underwear, where they did what, the sequence, etc. It's neither here or there now, but...yes, in the beginning, and I guess for a looong time after I had to know EVERY little thing!!
2sure Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I needed to know more than that , but not the sexual details. The sex itself was not the issue for me. I wanted to know more about this infidelity to take the secret away from it because it was the secrecy that most betrayed me. Bringing the infidelity out in the open, with no more secrets - made me an active participant in the events of my LIFE. Leaving them hidden would have allowed that pocket of his life to remain his alone - which was not right - since we were both dealing with the aftermath as well as the cause.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I wanted the truth. I wanted to know the truth behind each time I was lied to. I would always want the truth in any situation. I didn't ask for too many details, probably because we were not married and I just wanted it over.
young&inlove Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I was cheated on a few years back and it was strange - I felt like I needed every single detail, every one. He told me everything I wanted to know - down to the very most intimate moments (by intimate I mean specifically sexual). I felt that if I knew everything, then there would be nothing secret (ie: protected) and therefore special to the two of them. Not that I really had to worry, it was a ONS and within a week, he found out that she was playing a game of 'pin the pregnancy on a daddy' game from another guy she had been with that same week. That aside, it was that sense of destroying anything private, special or protected they may have had: exposing it and making it ugly and shameful, something to be regretful of, so that any memory of what happened would be attached to a feeling of 'gross' and 'wrong'. I was lucky in that he did not feel that his word was enough. He was more than happy to divulge whatever I wanted to know. I felt the same way. I had to know everything. Down to the sick details. I felt that if I didnt know, I couldnt move on. It was almost ads if I didnt have closure on what had happened to me. Once I got everything out of my hubs, we were able to move on and work things out. 8 months later, here we are. Still struggle sometimes, but for the most part we are happy.
Spark1111 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I, too, needed every single detail: from the timeline of how it began to the sustaining of it; to a typical "date" night, etc. etc. I needed the full, truthful scope of what I was being asked to forgive. I figured she had had a window into the marriage and the family life, as skewed as it may have been at that time. I needed a full window into the affair, before I could possibly even consider reconciling with him. The post above are amazing to me in that every BS or SO needed everything. That is the way it is when you have been betrayed and gaslighted by someone you love/loved. I hope ICs and MCs, who espouse not going crazy to get the details, are reading here. Alas, they probably are not.
Spark1111 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 PS: I know this goes against the commonly held misconception that most BSs take a WS back witout full disclosure. While many MAY do that, I too, would wonder about the success of that reconciliation. Few are told of an inappropriate relationship, or my personal favorite, "we're just friends," without alarm bells going off..... I threw him out, told him to go get her, and began my Spanish Inquisition in that, ABSOLUTELY NO RECONCILIATION until I knew most of this "just friends" relationship. I already knew it through the bank statements and cell phone records following DDay, but needed it explained from the horse's own mouth. Every attempt on his part to minimize the affair, and boy did he try, got him shown the door once again.
flying Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 When my exH cheated, I wanted to know everything - not necessarily about the sex, but just the whole story. He wouldn't tell me anything, which seemed like even more of a betrayal. That lack of disclosure was part of the reason I decided not to stay. The other part was that I knew I'd never be able to trust him again.
aeh Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Oh yes, and mine wasn't just about the sex either. Everything he could remember them talking about, everything he could remember them saying, how did she feel about this, what did you say about that, who initiated this, what did she say about her husband, did you ever get angry with her, were you jealous of her husband, etc..
HappyAtLast Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 PS: I know this goes against the commonly held misconception that most BSs take a WS back witout full disclosure. While many MAY do that, I too, would wonder about the success of that reconciliation. Completely agree. When I was a BS many years ago, I was not interested in detail one. Nothing. It was enough to know that she was with another. I needed nothing further. To you point, I would not say we reconciled. We remained together, until my last child left, but we never reconciled. Not to say it was not a pleasant existence, it was. But, the fact that she was with another was enough to kill all for me.
SidLyon Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'm another one in the every single detail camp. I also let the OW know about this as I wanted her to feel that every single secret she shared with my H, every supposedly secret moment they shared was totally exposed. For my fWH it was one of the prices to pay for reconciliation with me.
crazycatlady Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Add me to the I wanted to know everything camp. And I asked and asked. Every now and then he would go "Are you sure you want this answer" I vaguely remember one time saying I didn't, but I know I turned around and asked him again a week later and said now I'm ready for the answer, but I can't remember what it was now.
bentnotbroken Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I wanted to know everything, including sex details. Mr. Messy provided them all(though not intentionally). Room numbers, positions number of times, what they talked about...yada, yada, yada.
seibert253 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Our MC told FWW that our M will not survive without total and complete honesty. She told her that if I wanted/needed to know everything, that she needed to be honest and do this. FWW hemed and halled at first, but answered each and every question I had. Learned some things I did not know aboutf so I know I wasn't getting the watered down version. Hurt like hell, but I needed that to move forward. It was also good for her to get all of it out and off her chest. A big emotional relief for her. "I'm no longer carrying around the elephant, pretending it's not there" was her response. If the BS needs to know everything, I think it's the WS's duty to tell. If not, IMO the deception continues and true R will never happen.
Gfkr2 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I pressured my StbxW for details of the A. All she did was sob and say how sorry she was. Never admitted to any detail or wrongdoing. I kept asking and ut was clear she would never come clean about the A. I knew right then our M was over. None of this waiting weeks or months in agony to decide. She knew enough about me after 25 years to know there was absolutely no hope of recincilliation, and in her way saw there was nothing to be gained by disclosing what exactly happened. We are obviously getting a divorce.
September Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I find this thread really interesting as I too have also wondered what would happen if all isn't disclosed after d-day. My xMM went home after d-day but I know for a fact that he has minimised and witheld so much information from her. In all honesty if she did know everything that went on (and I am not just talking about sex) in the 2 years we were together, I can imagine all hell breaking loose. He can be incredibly private and would not like to make anything worse than it is. There has also not been any MC or IC either to encourage complete honesty. Yep, he would just like to sweep it all under that rug and pretend it didn't happen...
Silly_Girl Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 My guy (married - separating now) wasn't discovered (maybe makes a difference..) but he told his wife who was angry for two days then told him it was all a silly mistake and she needed to know nothing more about me and he should do the sensible thing and put the whole episode behind him and they would continue as though nothing had happened. To her mind, nothing HAS happened. I don't exist, I'm a sex object only and he's had a 'funny 'turn''. I don't know whether that's how she gets through this phase or whether the hurt is simply storing up for when she realises he's not coming back. Whenever I found out my ex had cheated (never proved him to have had intercourse with anyone however) I wanted ALL details and went through mobile phones, email accounts, Facebook and needed to know EVERYTHING. that phrase (not heard until on here the other day) 'for every lie you find out there's 2 more' I pretty much went with that and at the first sign of lies I'd become fixated and didn't stop until I thought there was no more I could learn. Neither he nor I knew how I would identify the original trigger that made me suspicious, but somehow I always seemed to know when he was up to something. It's the thing I enjoyed most when I moved him out - a peaceful mind.
Gfkr2 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 In my case StbxW just KNEW our M was over on dday. there were too many lies and too much damage to attempt recincilliation... We had several confrontations over a period of months where I asked her direct questions about what seemed to be an A. She always denied everything even when I reminded her of the overwhelming circumstantial evidence. She was engaged in a game of high stakes poker with all her lies to cover up the A which was going on then about 6 months. As far as what triggered my suspicions, very early in the A she turned away from me when I was sick at a party and refused to leave early with me. I KNEW something was going on in our M as she usually attentive to my wellbeing had never done this before. Little did I know back then her MM was also at the party and she wanted nothing more than for me to leave early. I recall coming home and thinking that night our 25 year M had taken a bad turn, and she was clearly pulling away. It turned out my suspicions were dead on when dday happened.
broken12 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Everything. 100%. Much like SidLyon, I coudln't BEAR to think that "they" could have any lingering secrets. Me and my fWH sent her a FB message telling her every detail that I knew about, including secrets about her private life that I'm sure she thought were safe. I HOPE that fWH gave me all the details he could remember (sadly his memory is lousy). When someone has lied so much (even after Dday) I guess I will never REALLY know. Also, like many others, wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with and to feel like I was, at last, hopefully, being given some respect.
HappyAtLast Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Everything. 100%. Much like SidLyon, I coudln't BEAR to think that "they" could have any lingering secrets. Me and my fWH sent her a FB message telling her every detail that I knew about, including secrets about her private life that I'm sure she thought were safe.. This strikes me as particularly odd. While I am certainly an advocate of healing in whatever way is necessary, I am uncertain as to why your husband took part in reaching out to his former affair partner on facebook. Perhaps a no contact message, but telling her that his wife knows all of the details? Why?
wicar1 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 You were told wife/husband was having an affair. dday occurs. Wife/husband admits that he or she has had an "inappropriate relationship" with someone and it was definitely wrong. You decide to save your marriage. And husband says he is remorseful. A question...BS would you/do you want to know the truth about your WS affair? Would you want to know other than what WS revealed on dday? Or was his "word" enough for you to move forward in the healing process. When you discovered his affair and he confessed that he had "some kind" of affair was this enough to say let's try to move forward? Or did you doubt him and want to know more? This isn't directed at "who" should tell "whom"...or what's right or wrong of AP. Just wanting to know how BS feels and their perspective. When I found out my ex was cheating...I too wanted to know everything about it. Every single detail...just to make sure I was not to be blamed for her EA and also for legal purposes. I lost trust in her so instead of asking details from her...I took help from a private detective and it sure did help me...
Silly_Girl Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 This strikes me as particularly odd. While I am certainly an advocate of healing in whatever way is necessary, I am uncertain as to why your husband took part in reaching out to his former affair partner on facebook. Perhaps a no contact message, but telling her that his wife knows all of the details? Why? Can only assume to show a united front? Warn her off? Hurt her?
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