strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'll keep this brief because having read ALL the stores on this board, while the circumnstances may be different it all comes down to the same thing really. Someone gave up on me. Short version: I seperated from my wife about 3/4 months before this relationship. We have 2 kids. Been dating this girl I met at work for a year. Things going great (or so I thought). We were very much in love (or so I thought again) I decided to get a new place so the kids would have more room and moved in at the end of august. She was going to come live with me 4 days a week and live near her work (she'd just got a new job) 3 days a week. It's about 30 miles from where I was moving to. We moved in on Friday. Tuesday comes and BANG. "Im not sure if this is what I want". HOLY ****. She's met my kids, not very often (I've been very cautious about this) so they're not attached or anything, and she's great with them and they really took to her. We've discussed all these issues; kids, moving in, marraige, having our own kids and she always said she wanted that. She said in the past so many lovely things like they've all said to us. There's a big age gap. I'm 41 and she's 28. She'd had a couple terrible experiences in her teen years which basically made her feel like **** and I gues what this has led to is attachment/commitment issues. She also been on a lot of dates and just never met anyone she wanted to take a chance with. Know what I did, I completely overcompensated for these things and did whatever I could for her and in the end I think she felt a bit helpless, less independent. We spent a LOT of time with each other. Anyway, after she told me this, she couldn't come out and say it was over. I did all the usual stuff said we could work it out, give ME (stupid) another chance blah blah. She had to collect a few more things from her dads place so we had no contact for a few days but arranged a day to talk. Again usual bs from her (and me) "I do want you, but..." (her), "I love you" (both), "I want an answer" (me) etc etc. Anyway she came back to pick up the rest of her stuff. I'd hardened my heart by then and said basically our relationship is dead, over, as she couldn't make the decision. I did leave the door open and said we need to have no contact and be completely away from each other. If at some point she can resolve her issues and wants me she'll need to take a chance that I'd still want her but I'm moving on and would not be hanging around for her. If anything were to happen it would be a completely new relationship, much slower and with more communication. We said our goodbyes (a bit more emotionally than I would have liked) and she left. No contact for about 9 days. Been doing yoga, got back into my running, doing weights, started reading books again and meeting up with friends. Lost a stone (about 6ish kgs I think) and almost down to my ideal weight! So these are questions I ask myself: Do I want her back? - Yes (don't ****ing know why) Is she coming back? - **** knows Does it matter whther she does or not? - No Think I just wanted to vent. The 9 days has been too hard and I have my moment of weakness. One of which is occurring right now so I thought I'd post instead. I do miss her. I don't know whether in a month or two to contact her or just leave it and see if she contacts me? Wasn't as brief as I'd hoped (lol). Got a bit carried away, sorry. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Sambo Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 So you left your wife and children for a younger women and she dumped your ass once she got to know what a douche bag you really are ? Sorry pal but you wont find any sympathy from me and I doubt you will from anyone else in here. You screwed over your family for some young ho and you got what you deserved and I hope you get worse still. Go back to your family and beg them for forgiveness and spend the rest of your life making it up to them! Short version: I seperated from my wife about 3/4 months before this relationship. We have 2 kids. Been dating this girl I met at work for a year. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 What are you talking about! I said I sperated about 3/4 months BEFORE I started my current (well ex now) relationship. I'd moved out, was living on my own for 3/4 months then got together with the new girl. She never had anything to do with the break-up . Been with this girl for a year. Seperated about 1 year 4 months ago from my wife if I need to make it clearer! Never cheated on my wife, never would cheat on anyone!!!!!!! Way to go to put some one off asking for advice.
brainblox Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Sambo smashed it LOLLOL. I have to agree, You F****d it son, I also agree that you should do everything in your power to make it up to your kids as they are the ones that are hurting most in all this.
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Not quite sure what is going on here. My wife and I split up for various reason, we did counselling but neither of us wanted it anymore. The split was amicable. We fell out of love. She doesn't want me, I don't want her and we have a good realtionship for the kids. Not so strange to understand is it? We have joint custody of the children and I have them half the time. My relationship started months AFTER I broke up with my wife (which was a joint decision). My wife and I seperated months BEFORE the relationship started.
BigProc Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 People i think we need to be a bit more sensitive to his situation. HE DIDN'T CHEAT. They split up well before he got with his current ex. Re read his thread.
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Thanks BigProc. I have to say those replies have left me visibly shaken (bad because I'm at work).
BigProc Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Anyway dude, I wouldn't be too worried about the begging, crying etc, I think eveyone does it at the beginning of the break up. You've done everything right by getting into hobbies that help take your mind off things. Good idea doing weights, i found that helped me to get rid of the anger and frustration and at the same time getting in shape. All you can do as you have already stated is to remain nc and concentrate on yourself. Its a good positive attitude that you not willing to wait around. If she comes back then great (if thats what you want) If she doesnt then **** her. You got your kids and have a good relationship with your ex wife which is most important. Before you know it you will meet someone else. good luck bro.
leftfield Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You seem to be pretty strong coming out of this, or are you putting on a brave face and papering over the cracks? If you told her the relationship is dead then I suspect she will take your word for it. You've asked yourself three questions there, but questions one and three seem a little contradictory. If you say it doesn't matter whether she comes back or not can you really affirm one way or another whether you want her or not? If you do want her back, then it suggests to me that it does matter. Either way, I think the answer to question two is the one that matters, and I would suspect that answer to that is no I'm afraid. Good luck whatever happens.
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Some days strong and some days not. Papering over the cracks, maybe, but I've been around the block a few times and I'm of a certain age so I've been dumped and been the dumper before. What I meant about that it doesn't matter what happens is that I know that in the greater scheme of things I'll be ok. I have kids, family and friends etc, etc and I'm trying to do what I should have been doing ie looking after myself. When I told her the relationship was dead I said that the old relationship was dead and if we were ever to go forward we'd have to start anew (if that's a word) and she agreed that that would be the way to go IF she decided she wanted that. It just feels all wrong. Never had someone bail on me so quickly and so out of the blue. Most of my relationships have ended, reasonably, well.
Don Ho Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 She got overwhelmed Bro. It was too much for her regardless of the reason. So basically you told her 'I'm not waiting around, but I'll be here'. Oh boy. What you should have said was "I AGREE. Having you move in was too much for ME. I need some time to think about us". Period. Oh well its done now. You need to back way, way off. No, do not contact her. If she contacts you, I recommend you say what I just advised and nothing more. DO NOT get into some "talk" about the relationship. You need to turn the tables if that opportunity comes up ... "hey I'm just so unsure right now". Anyway, DO NOT email, text, call or anything. Let it rest. Your only shot is for her to come back on her own. Hit us up if she contacts you. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing.
BigProc Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Thats it, its the perfect way of dealing with it. Yes you are hurt and ideally you didn't want the break up. But you are looking on the positive side of things. You got 2 kids which puts everything into perspective. You've been here before and through experience you know that you will be ok. You got a good positive attitude whether you are papering the cracks or not. Which in my humble opinion will help you get over your ex a lot quicker than most on here, myself included.
leftfield Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 It sounds as though she got scared of making that commitment leap. There isn't a lot you can do other than remain as strong as you can, give her space, and if she comes back into your life in any way just do as you have suggested, take it VERY slowly and make sure she feels comfortable with where it's going. I wish you luck, I really do, but I think like many of us on here this is another one that has bitten the dust. Time to brush yourself off for the sake of your kids and your own sanity and get on with life the way you're doing. I think the ultimatums, or whatever you want to call it - asking her for a straight answer - could have been the final straw that pushed her away. Too late to take it back unfortunately, but don't beat yourself up about it, we all do it and then find ourselves slapping the forehead, "DOH!"
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 I get the idea of her being scared of the commitment but we discussed it so many times and it's what she said she wanted. I wasn't pushing her into it we planned, together, when and how she would meet the kids, where we'd like to live (limited obviously by me needing to be near the kids). Guess I'll never understand. Oh well.
brainblox Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 @strangeways , Got wires crossed and I apologize for getting you wrong, hope you sort it ..peace !
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Thanks for the apology.
Don Ho Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 She got overwhelmed Bro. It was too much for her regardless of the reason. So basically you told her 'I'm not waiting around, but I'll be here'. Oh boy. What you should have said was "I AGREE. Having you move in was too much for ME. I need some time to think about us". Period. Oh well its done now. You need to back way, way off. No, do not contact her. If she contacts you, I recommend you say what I just advised and nothing more. DO NOT get into some "talk" about the relationship. You need to turn the tables if that opportunity comes up ... "hey I'm just so unsure right now". Anyway, DO NOT email, text, call or anything. Let it rest. Your only shot is for her to come back on her own. Hit us up if she contacts you. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. ..... she got overwhelmed. Re-read what I wrote. I do you think I just write this stuff for my own benefit?
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Yeah, I know. Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. Guess my thought processes are just a bit ****ed up at the moment!
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 One of those evenings when I'm going from "no way is she coming back" to "she'll be back". that's the worst part of it for me. As with everyone I guess I just want to contact her (I won't) and find out what's she's thinking. Not sure what I can do about that. maybe just hit the weights.
LoveAintEverything Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Seems like you are managing perfectly fine on your own, but I mean if you extremely love her and she has a lot of issues from her past, she does deserve at least one other chance.....follow your heart, but never forget about the most important person, YOU
Author strangeways Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 It's a difficult one. She does have these issues but they've been around now for 15 years. She has made changes to parts of her life to deal with it but I don't think she's done been able to work out relationships properly. I know I can't change her. I naively thought I was giving her an atmosphere where she felt appreciated and wanted and she'd start to deal with them. Looks like the opposite happened and it just allowed her to forget about them until now. My bad by the looks of it! Heart says give her a chance if she wants it, head says cut and run. Hearts ruling head at the moment.
ShannonMI Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 So you left your wife and children for a younger women and she dumped your ass once she got to know what a douche bag you really are ? Sorry pal but you wont find any sympathy from me and I doubt you will from anyone else in here. You screwed over your family for some young ho and you got what you deserved and I hope you get worse still. Go back to your family and beg them for forgiveness and spend the rest of your life making it up to them! Sambo!!! Are you skiming posts again?? He said he separated from his wife 3/4 months BEFORE he met this girl. Take it easy dude! Why is he a douchebag? I read his ENTIRE post (didn't skim it) and I didn't get any inkling that he was a "douchebag" or that the girl he was dating is a "ho"... Why are you being so nasty???? Jeez! To OP, I think you need to give this girl space. She's not ready for the commitment. Moving in together and all that is probably scaring her a bit. Just go NC and see what happens. She may come around, but in the meantime do your own thing and try not to think about her too much.
Sambo Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) Sambo!!! Are you skiming posts again?? He said he separated from his wife 3/4 months BEFORE he met this girl. Take it easy dude! Why is he a douchebag? I read his ENTIRE post (didn't skim it) and I didn't get any inkling that he was a "douchebag" or that the girl he was dating is a "ho"... Why are you being so nasty???? Jeez! To OP, I think you need to give this girl space. She's not ready for the commitment. Moving in together and all that is probably scaring her a bit. Just go NC and see what happens. She may come around, but in the meantime do your own thing and try not to think about her too much. He needs to work on his writing skills because that's not the way I read it and I read it 2x to be clear. OP. If you broke off with your wife before the new relationship that's different but I still think your a schmuck anyways. What kind of example are you setting for your kids ? 3 months later disrespecting their Mother and your marriage by your moving in with such a younger woman.? How did you think a young woman was going to react to someone your age and kids ? I think there's a lot more to this story then we are hearing about. Edited September 22, 2010 by Sambo
Lost Fish Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) Sambo, Wow. I have to agree with Shannon and the others. This guy is hurting and his post was perfectly clear. I am glad people are calling you out here because your original reply was completely off-base and out of line. Plus, to be honest, your chauvanistic "tough love" is getting a bit grating. Try to have a little compassion and read things a bit more carefully before shooting your mouth off. Edited September 22, 2010 by Lost Fish
Caradavine Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 He definitely said he left the wife before the relationship. Whether or not there was anything going on with this other woman before that, we don't know for sure - only he does - and it's not really our business. Anyway, I do think it was a little optimistic of you, at your age, to even imagine that a young woman would work out. She obviously has not reached the "I want to marry, have a family, be committed" phase of adulthood yet. I don't know if the breakup from your wife was difficult for you at all (it doesn't sound like it, and it's possible that is what Sambo is reacting to, and who knows, maybe she/he is reacting from something in her/his life as well), but it is possible this girl was a rebound, too, which means it wouldn't have worked out anyway. You should know better than thinking a young woman would have it together for kids and all the stuff that comes with a previous marriage. It is a rare find. However, I am awfully sorry that you have to go through this. I have to admit, I didn't feel too bad for you at first because I figure you should have felt that way about your wife, but that's because I was a first wife once, too. Keep your chin up, you will find someone better-suited to you. Well, I hope you will, since I can't really say I believe that previous statement given my current situation. Wish I could say something to help you feel better
Recommended Posts