Sylvie Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hi everyone, Hoping you guys can give me some perspective here. I'm not new to the forums but I completely forgot my username, so . I was talking to my boyfriend of nearly 3 years tonight and we ended up talking about having children in the future. He knows that he almost 100% wants to have children, while I'm about 85% sure I DON'T. Sure, there's that 15%, but I don't know if that will ever change. When I asked if he would marry me if I absolutely knew I didn't want children, he said it was unlikely. Long story short, we both kind of agreed that if that's the case, our relationship is a dead end. He can't hope that I'll change my mind and eventually want children, and I can't hope that I will, either, or that he'll change HIS mind. And I would rather suffer now than suffer even greater heartbreak in another 3-4 years when we were planning to marry. We're long distance, but I'll be seeing him this weekend, because we didn't want to end it all over the phone... we've agreed not to talk to each other until then. Aside from the children issue, we have no other dealbreakers and it's breaking my heart because I feel like we're throwing away such a wonderful relationship. If anyone has gone through this too, I would love if if you shared. Or just any perspective at all would be great...
Billie The Puppet Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You are incompatible if you have different values in terms of wanting family, You could live in the now but at one point he will be dead serious about it and possibly want to move on to some one who shares the same values.
Els Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 OP, How old are you? To be honest, all the things that most people in their teens or early 20s say they want or don't want, often change in a few years' time. I'm only 23, but I'm so drastically different in some ways from the person that I was at 18. When I think back now on all the 'long-term' issues that my then-bf and I spoke about, I find them silly, because my stand on most of them has changed significantly. If you are that young, I'd say just stay on and see where life takes you. For example, a year ago my bf and I hit this roadblock. I was 90% sure I didn't want kids, he was 90% sure he did. Fast forward a year, I'm in a different country, different culture, I realized that kids don't necessarily grow up to be monsters if you parent them right (the kids here are mostly very good). I realized that people dying of childbirth is something that happens due to my homeland's horrible health system, and barely happens with proper healthcare. Long story short, I realized I'm now 50/50 on the kids issue. On the other hand, having gone into his clinical years, he realized he may not have the time to fit kids into his career path.
Author Sylvie Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 OP, How old are you? To be honest, all the things that most people in their teens or early 20s say they want or don't want, often change in a few years' time. I'm only 23, but I'm so drastically different in some ways from the person that I was at 18. When I think back now on all the 'long-term' issues that my then-bf and I spoke about, I find them silly, because my stand on most of them has changed significantly. If you are that young, I'd say just stay on and see where life takes you. For example, a year ago my bf and I hit this roadblock. I was 90% sure I didn't want kids, he was 90% sure he did. Fast forward a year, I'm in a different country, different culture, I realized that kids don't necessarily grow up to be monsters if you parent them right (the kids here are mostly very good). I realized that people dying of childbirth is something that happens due to my homeland's horrible health system, and barely happens with proper healthcare. Long story short, I realized I'm now 50/50 on the kids issue. On the other hand, having gone into his clinical years, he realized he may not have the time to fit kids into his career path. Thanks for your response, Elswyth. I'm 22 and he's 24. Maybe things will change, because I have changed during the course of our relationship, but I guess I don't want to feel like we are wasting time by sticking together on a "maybe." We still need to talk more about the whole issue, but I've never seen children as something that would be a joy to have (although I do like children), and he's always thought it natural that he would raise a family.
denise_xo Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hi everyone, Hoping you guys can give me some perspective here. I'm not new to the forums but I completely forgot my username, so . I was talking to my boyfriend of nearly 3 years tonight and we ended up talking about having children in the future. He knows that he almost 100% wants to have children, while I'm about 85% sure I DON'T. Sure, there's that 15%, but I don't know if that will ever change. When I asked if he would marry me if I absolutely knew I didn't want children, he said it was unlikely. Long story short, we both kind of agreed that if that's the case, our relationship is a dead end. He can't hope that I'll change my mind and eventually want children, and I can't hope that I will, either, or that he'll change HIS mind. And I would rather suffer now than suffer even greater heartbreak in another 3-4 years when we were planning to marry. We're long distance, but I'll be seeing him this weekend, because we didn't want to end it all over the phone... we've agreed not to talk to each other until then. Aside from the children issue, we have no other dealbreakers and it's breaking my heart because I feel like we're throwing away such a wonderful relationship. If anyone has gone through this too, I would love if if you shared. Or just any perspective at all would be great... I'm very certain I don't want children and in both of my LTRs I've been fortunate to find men who are compatible in that area. Incompatibility would definitely be a deal breaker for me, since there is no compromise solution.
Enema Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 One of the most important reasons to not get married if you're on different pages. Stick to your own convictions. I was in a similar situation when I was 22 (male). I was quite sure I didn't want children and broke up with my very sure then girlfriend. There was quite a bit of back and forth from her declaring adamantly that "a lot of young people don't want kids but you'll change your mind". Going on 30 now and still very much against kids. My wife is on the same page and I'm booked for a vasectomy later this year. Never compromise your beliefs.
Author Sylvie Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Thanks for the input everyone. He broke up with me earlier tonight, so I guess that solves the problem...
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