Internal Validation

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

Now you are all saying this..

 

And not very long ago you were lamenting about how you "lost yourself" this past year, how you abandoned you diet, gained weight, lost friends, etc etc.

 

Is just that your mood has changed.

 

But good point about not seeking external validation.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for the post - it is good to hear from people who have the right idea about life.

 

At 23 I do not know much, but one thing that I feel strongly about, is that we need to feel fulfilled within ourselves. We need to have enough going for us, and enough personal satisfaction, so that we DO NOT NEED to base too much on other people.

 

I realised the importance of achieving things for YOURSELF, through being lazy and NOT achieving ANYTHING. One day it just hit me, that to stop being needy and dependent on if a guy likes me, I need to have ENOUGH GOING FOR MYSELF PERSONALLY, so that I DO NOT NEED these people to feel good about myself.

 

STAR - I started doing things like you did for yourself, only on a smaller scale to you ( no marathons lol!).

 

But what I did, is lose weight educate myself on how to get myself into very good physically shape, and start to further my education.

 

Basically, the better I do in my life, and the more I achieve, and the better person I become, the more I do not care about what other think.

 

I like trying my best to achieve my goals, feeling better about myself is SLOWLY removing my need for external validation.

 

My only inclination these days is to look better, feel better, earn more money, or do well at my studies, because it makes me FEEL GOOD about myself. Plain and simple. And when I feel good about myself, I do not need others.

 

It is easy in principal - to just build yourself up as a person so that you get satisfaction from improving yourself; but at times, especially for young women like me, it is a work in progress, as I am not naive enough to think that I do nto seek some form of external validation.

 

I may not need external validation, but I am sure I still thrive on it when it is positive, and I am sure there are times ahead I will feel off due to being rejected. But my desire after a rejection would simply be to fulfill myself through my personal goals.

 

I completely echo what you are saying STAR - it boggles me to read how a lot of women anxiously await calls from guys, and have that " does he or doesn't he want me"mentality, where being wanted is something they need a bit too much, nd the rejection leaves them too little to fall back on ( they do not have the foundations set in their lives to happily go on with themselves)

[sweetjasmine]

And not very long ago you were lamenting about how you "lost yourself" this past year, how you abandoned you diet, gained weight, lost friends, etc etc.

 

Is just that your mood has changed.

 

I think just about everyone has rough patches. But it sounds like a lot more than Star's mood has changed: she's mentioned active steps she's taken to do things for herself, and it worked.

[shadowplay]

Are you no longer a lawyer?

[donnamaybe]

Are you no longer a lawyer?

Huh?

[Star Gazer]

Oh,

 

Now you are all saying this..

 

And not very long ago you were lamenting about how you "lost yourself" this past year, how you abandoned you diet, gained weight, lost friends, etc etc.

 

That's all true, Ariadne. But even when I had lost/let go of myself, I did NOT seek external validation, and I was NOT insecure. The skiing and fundraising accomplishments I referenced occurred long before my breakup.

 

Did you expect me to be the happiest person on the planet as I was processing my breakup? Really?

 

I don't appreciate your efforts to take away the positivity of this thread.

[Star Gazer]

Are you no longer a lawyer?

 

Ack, double negatives confuse me.

 

I'm still an attorney, just in a very different function than before.

[shadowplay]

Huh?

 

She said she changed jobs. I was wondering if she changed jobs within law or professions.

[donnamaybe]

That's all true, Ariadne. But even when I had lost/let go of myself, I did NOT seek external validation, and I was NOT insecure. The skiing and fundraising accomplishments I referenced occurred long before my breakup.

 

Did you expect me to be the happiest person on the planet as I was processing my breakup? Really?

 

I don't appreciate your efforts to take away the positivity of this thread.

Another thing to guard against is the propensity to want to bring others down to make oneself feel better. A different method of validating oneself, but the same reasons apply.

[Star Gazer]

Another thing to guard against is the propensity to want to bring others down to make oneself feel better. A different method of validating oneself, but the same reasons apply.

 

We all learn differently. But some people remain unhappy forever, I suppose.

 

I just really hope the members this thread was meant for take the time to find their internal sources of validation so that they can eventually find true happiness and great guys who appreciate and want an emotionally healthy woman.

[Phateless]

Thanks guys! It's good to see people appreciating what others have learned.

 

 

 

I still love your signature!

 

lol, me too. I haven't been on here in a while and was amused all over again when I saw it for myself.

[EnigmasMuse]

Great post! So since there are many people who seek or need that external validation, where does it all come from? Why are there so many with low self esteem to begin with?

[CLC2008]

Um, that's exactly what the entire first post was about - that internal validation comes from within, not external sources.

 

In response, you said it was about finding peace and contentment in the little things, enjoying the peace. The little things, the peace...that's still external.

 

Sometimes I really don't understand your posts...

 

The "little things" I was referring to, were what I originally posted:

 

I.E. Loving the calm, versus the chaos; Enjoying time alone and spending time with oneself, without any external factors or focus.

 

That is not something that is a result of external/outside factors and subsequent validation. It is a result of being content from within.

 

How that is achieved, not sure. I surmise it begins with the term core values, life you mentioned, and what TBF also referenced in another thread, our inner foundation.

 

I think as human beings, we all need a certain level of external validation to support our self-worth, after all, as children we acquire our sense of self-worth through external validation that is provided by our parents.

 

And, that carries over into adult hood. We can achieve all the things in life we set out too, but if someone hasn't accomplished peace with their inner self (i.e. inner child), no amount of external validation will ever be enough.

 

My comments are not meant to be argumentative, like I said prior, I was simply contributing my own as an extension and in support of this thread. It's good to observe and interact with people with different mindsets as it allows us to draw on certain strengths that we lack and vice versa.

 

It helps create a level of balance for us and helps us to see things through a different set of eyes.

[USMCHokie]

Great post! So since there are many people who seek or need that external validation, where does it all come from? Why are there so many with low self esteem to begin with?

 

I think a lot of it has to do with how you were raised as a child...many cultures expect that children will respect their parents and as children, we often want to please our parents, teachers, clergymen, etc...and we relied on the feedback of these folks to feel good about ourselves...as children, we just don't have the capacity to find internal validation...and people will let go of this early need for external validation at different points in their life...and for some, they continue to feed off of external validation because it's easy and because it's tangible feedback...so they never bother to look inward for self-value...

 

But that's just my opinion...

[shadowplay]

I think a lot of it has to do with how you were raised as a child...many cultures expect that children will respect their parents and as children, we often want to please our parents, teachers, clergymen, etc...and we relied on the feedback of these folks to feel good about ourselves...as children, we just don't have the capacity to find internal validation...and people will let go of this early need for external validation at different points in their life...and for some, they continue to feed off of external validation because it's easy and because it's tangible feedback...so they never bother to look inward for self-value...

 

But that's just my opinion...

 

My mother (a psychologist) says she thinks I need external validation partly because I didn't receive enough "mirroring" as a child. She never explained why, but I guess that means my parents never really affirmed who I am or gave me feedback about what I'm like.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Star,

 

Thank you for posting this and sharing your own experiences.

 

I can tell without a doubt that this is not a reflection of a "mood."

 

I hope that those who really need to GET this can come here and read what you posted with an open (and quiet) mind.

 

A key point is that ACTION is required. Self- talk, self-analysis, projecting, second guessing and conjecture are all counter to the goal of achieving validation within oneself.

 

As I have posted many times, and deeply, truly believe, a person with a strong inner core is the ONLY person who is going to have what it takes to sustain a good relationship with anyone.

[Ariadne]

That's all true, Ariadne. But even when I had lost/let go of myself, I did NOT seek external validation, and I was NOT insecure. The skiing and fundraising accomplishments I referenced occurred long before my breakup.

 

Did you expect me to be the happiest person on the planet as I was processing my breakup? Really?

 

I don't appreciate your efforts to take away the positivity of this thread.

 

Well,

 

I didn't think you were seeking any validation in that relationship, or perhaps to be seen as the next Mrs.

 

But I have pointed this same thing to you before under different circumstances.

 

I'm glad you are feeling great now!

 

It's pretty amazing how fast you seem to have turned around the whole breakup situation for the best.

[Star Gazer]

My mother (a psychologist) says she thinks I need external validation partly because I didn't receive enough "mirroring" as a child. She never explained why, but I guess that means my parents never really affirmed who I am or gave me feedback about what I'm like.

 

I didn't either. I had to figure out who I am and what I'm made of all on my own.

 

Although I went through a long period of seeking external validation, particularly in my teens and early 20's, I'm actually glad I figured it out on my own. I'd much rather have developed my own self-worth, than have it be superficially given to me. The latter creates a false sense of self, IMO.

[Star Gazer]

Ariadne: It's disappointing to me that you seem to think people remain stuck as who they are, happy or sad, for infinity...that if someone is depressed, insecure, sad, anxious, that they're doomed to be that way forever. Because the truth is, I'm not...and you don't have to be either. It's unfortunate that you express an attitude that suggests people cannot learn from their mistakes...because I have, and you can too. It saddens me that you think people can't grow and learn to become better people...because that's what I've done, or at least try to do, and you can too.

 

Have I always been happy, secure, and confident? No. Am I now? Absolutely. I'm merely sharing the steps I took to get there. What you or anyone else decides to take away from my experience is entirely up to you.

[Star Gazer]

Star,

 

Thank you for posting this and sharing your own experiences.

 

I can tell without a doubt that this is not a reflection of a "mood."

 

I hope that those who really need to GET this can come here and read what you posted with an open (and quiet) mind.

 

A key point is that ACTION is required. Self- talk, self-analysis, projecting, second guessing and conjecture are all counter to the goal of achieving validation within oneself.

 

As I have posted many times, and deeply, truly believe, a person with a strong inner core is the ONLY person who is going to have what it takes to sustain a good relationship with anyone.

 

Thanks, Madame. I agree completely.

 

This definitely wasn't just a mood change.

[Leigh 87]

STAR - Although I did not label it " internal validation" at the time, I had MY own epiphany a few years ago.

 

I realized " hang on. I cannot find true happiness if I am sitting around, smoking drugs, and not attempting to achieve anything in life".

 

The only validation I got was from other people who complimented me on being " skinny", which was obviously due to anorexia and daily pot smoking.

 

It is just a deppressive state of being, to not be able to realize the joy of self, or internal validation. I reached a point where said " I refuse to accept this as a life".

 

I did not realize it right away, but over time, I have learnt that I am happiest when I am setting and reaching goals for myself.

 

Now, although I do like it when people pay me compliments, my soul source of fulfillment comes from my own achievements.

 

I mean, I like becomming a better peson loL! I like becomming fitter, and improving my diet, and nailing a job interview, and getting good marks at school.

 

Right now my goals are to get my diet on track ( I have eaten a ' moving to a new state portable bread and potato chips) diet, to improve my fitness, and to keep my jobs ( as I have never been stable enough to keep a job before).

 

If I can pass my 3 year food science degree which starts next year, I will be thrilled.

 

I battle depression at times, but I find so much comfort in knowing that at least I KNOW that I can only depend on myself; others are a bonus, but without them I need to know how to be complete and happy.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Edit: Thanks for posting this Star. This is so inspirational and it really resonates with me.

Edited September 24, 2010 by loverofloveandstuff

[loverofloveandstuff]

I edited this out of my previous post but what the hell, I'm going to post it. (I don't really expect anyone to read this, it's more a vent and confession than anything.)

 

Last year, I hit rock bottom. I was 17 and in my last year at an all girls catholic highschool. I was desperate to get away from my sheltered lifestyle and overbearing parents. I have never had a good relationship with my parents, mainly due to our strong ideological differences, but also cultural misunderstandings with my (Asian) mother who will never stop reminding me of how disappointed she is as I have not fulfilled the duties she believes a child should. What pushed me over the edge on this particular year was their extreme opposition and mockery of my career pursuits because of their lack of academic relevance and social status (this is particularly important to my mother).

 

They had no faith in me and I did not have enough faith in myself to preserve my dignity. That was knock one. Off I went, on a search to find the validation and love that I didn't feel was present in my life.

 

I met a guy who is a prominent name in the club and music scene around the world. I was taken away by his lifestyle and fell stupidly in love and began going out and drinking almost everyday. It was a distraction, and it made me feel wanted. Despite vocalising his love for me, his actions did not reflect his words at all. Long story short, I was emotionally destroyed and my self worth went from low to lower. (I don't blame him at all, I was in a fragile state of mind. I had unreal expectations and didn't realise at the time that a person's actions towards you should be given more credence than their words.)

 

Essentially, by staying with him for such a long period of time, I was consenting for him to continue mistreating me. I tolerated everything because the little bit of love I felt I was getting from him was worth any suffering.

 

I hardly attended school and was forced to seek councelling from my school as they had recognised my depression. This was the most shameful thing that could happen to my mother. 'What did I do to deserve this' she asked me several times. The councelling did not work. At the time, I revealed nothing that was going on in my life, and was in complete denial of what I was doing to myself.

 

I was so vulnerable at this point and was feeding off any attention I could get. Male attention. I won't go into the intricate details, but basically I began selling myself in more ways than one. It was a sad attempt at trying to gain emotional freedom and feel powerful and beautiful and loved when really I was becoming trapped in my insecurities. Aside from being extremely demeaning, some of the work I was doing was dangerous. At that point though, I didn't care about myself or my safety.

 

It's been almost a year since then and I'm back on my feet. Since then, I have travelled and worked overseas and self reflected on what has happened and why it has happened. I still have many insecurities and knowingly seek external validation, but it is nowhere near as extreme as it was 9 months ago. With a little determination and the right attitude, I believe that I can continue to improve myself and slowly gain back the faith that I have lost in myself. I'm off to uni next year so fingers crossed I am able to overcome any obstacles that present themselves.

[JohnnyBlaze]

SG, I have to say that I envy you. I haven't been able to reach that stage, yet. I've tried; God knows, I've tried. However, as Frisky so eloquently said in another thread,

...there is no "out-thinking" ones feelings if one simply does not know what it's like to "feel" any other way.

I have yet to figure out how to give myself any lasting validation. To me, validation is like a drug hit; it's short-lived and there's a massive crash after it's over. I try not to seek external validation, but when your own well is coming up dry, you have little choice but to go drilling elsewhere (no pun intended). Of course, I've been my own worst enemy for some time, now. I know that; I just don't know how to defeat the enemy.