shadowplay Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 It took a few brutal months, but I've finally gotten mostly over missing my ex. There are moments when I miss the abstract closeness of being with someone, but they're no longer specifically tied to him. (It's been five months). What continues to bother me, and hasn't gotten much better, is the idea that somebody who was deeply in love with me a few short months ago, who dumped me, whom I didn't hurt, could want to NEVER speak to me again for the rest of his life. A few weeks ago, I stupidly one time logged into his OKCupid account (he told me his password to everything when we were together). I know it was wrong. I read something he wrote to one of his friends over the site's im. He said "if my psychotic ex girlfriend ever tries to contact me again I'll put a restraining order on her." Nevermind the fact that while I did try to contact him a couple of times through phone/email after he suddenly cut me off and promising he wouldn't, I never did anything even close to sketchy enough to warrant that kind of reaction. I feel like if I had, it would ironically be easier for me to accept his response. At least it wouldn't seem unjust, you know? Why can't I just get over this? I know he's a dick. I know he's not worth it. But still, there's that one thing. Just knowing he could demonize me to the degree he has when all I ever did was love him. Anyone else deal with an ex like this, or similar feelings? How do you cope? Any advice on how to accept this?
Tony T Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Why can't I just get over this? I know he's a dick. I know he's not worth it. But still, there's that one thing. Just knowing he could demonize me to the degree he has when all I ever did was love him. Anyone else deal with an ex like this, or similar feelings? How do you cope? Any advice on how to accept this? You don't really cope. You feel the pain and it diminishes over time. I've never been able to understand this concept. It happens to guys as often as the ladies. I think people do this to make themselves feel better. Breaking up is not easy in the very best of circumstances. People are confused. If the other person hasn't done anything for them to hate, then the next best thing is to make something up in the mind. Fact is, not everybody is meant to be with the person they are presently dating forever. So if one or the other wants to move on, they have to do it some way. It's very hard. Many people are irrational...crazy...and they do weird things, say weird things, write weird things. There's simply no figuring it out. The best way to deal with the pain is just to realize a wrong situation is over and you can now move on. Forget the person entirely. They have proven they were the very wrong person for you and their attitude underscores that. I don't think any of us will ever fully understand what you have gone through...what almost all of us have gone through at one time or another. We can only thank you for sharing. Maybe in your sharing some sense...some reason can be had for what you are going through.
AndrewJDC Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 You stalked his account 5 months after the breakup, perhaps his description is not so far off the mark!
br0ken_w0lf Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Breaking up is not easy in the very best of circumstances. People are confused. If the other person hasn't done anything for them to hate, then the next best thing is to make something up in the mind. That nailed it right there! I think this happens more often than we realize. We break up with someone and, in order to make the decision seem justified in our brains, we create negative qualities about that person that don't exist. As far as coping goes, well, it really does just take time but in the meantime, try to avoid looking at his accounts or contacting him in any way. Those kinds of things will only serve to set you back (as you've already experienced). It sounds like you realize it wasn't a good match so remember that as well as that any demonizing is his own coping mechanism and, in time, you *will* feel better...
Banker Chick Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 I'll admit for awhile I had the ex's facebook password and I lurked that even though I never really saw anything incriminating because he's not a big user. The thing is, just signing in would get my heart rate up and my palms all sweaty and I hated that feeling, plus I knew it was wrong. I ended up deleting all his emails and then deleted all the cookies off my computer so I no longer even had his email to sign in. While I have no desire to look at it any longer, I'm glad I'm not tempted. And remember Shadow, people say things to make themselves look/sound better sometimes so he might have just been saying that for effect.
pandagirl Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Shadow, remember his actions have everything to do with HIM and NOT you.
dragonwave Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Shadow, remember his actions have everything to do with HIM and NOT you. PandaGirl is bang on. Its very, very hurtful when someone just does a 180 on you. Truth of the matter, you will neve know how we he could so easily cut you out of his life. Evidently, this is not someone very mature emotionally or able to deal with conflict/feelings in a postiive way. You deserved better and like PandaGirl said, his actions are a reflection of him, not you. Stay away from his accounts.
Sonolumino Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I can 100% relate to this. My ex girlfriend broke up with me, I didn't contact her for a month. I see her at a wedding reception, ask her to dance, she invites me back to a party, we make out that night. We go on a date the next week, flirt like crazy for the next week, all of a sudden she stops talking to me. I go over her house before I was leaving town to pick up my things, and I told her that even though we didn't make it as a couple, I still loved her even though she didn't love me. She was literally annoyed by this, and complained about how "weird" it was to her friends. Turns out, she was spreading lies to all her friends on how I was this crazy obsessed ex boyfriend who wouldn't let her move on. She even claimed that she didn't invite me to that party, and that I showed up because I was so obsessed with her. She even went as far as to claim that I "would tell another girl to write on my facebook wall to try and make her jealous". 10 days after a 4 year relationship she was chasing another guy, and 5 weeks after that she has a boyfriend. I confronted her about all the bull**** lies and debunked them, and told her how pathetic it was that she had to try and demonize me when I didn't do anything wrong, and I would never be obsessed with someone. She never refuted my points, she just got angry at her friends for telling me what she said. I'm still shocked by it. Does it hurt a bit? Yes. It hurts to find out that someone you love/loved would act that way toward you, but you have to realize that when you date an emotionally stunted needy child, this is what you get. My best advice, let it go. It actually gave me some closure. I talked to a few people that she used to be friends with, and they all said that she had dealt with them the same way. (Making up lies about them) It makes me feel a little better knowing that this isn't a new behavior. Fact is, she didn't love me anymore. I just wish she had the gall to tell me to my face. Don't let that idiot get the best of you. You know that you loved him. You know what you had was real. Hell I'd kill for a girl who was mature enough to deal with the situation like a damn adult. You are special, you are worth so much more than him. ACTIONS prove who you are, not words. His actions = he's a douche. Yours = you had a failed relationship and you're trying to find peace/closure in it as best you can. Take solace in those facts and move on to someone who can appreciate you. Take care.
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