Silly_Girl Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Probably not the right board, don't care... I had a bad relationship. 8 years. I wanted to 'make it work' after feeling so sad about my marriage (to the father of my son) not working out and me being the one brave enough to call Time on it. I felt great when I moved ex-SO out. After spending 3 nights, for safety's sake, barricaded in the master bedroom with my son (and having to move 2 pieces of furniture when my lad needed a wee in the night!!) I was no longer under any illusions about us maybe having a future. He went on a work course, I texted him, told him I was moving him out to another place which I had part-furnished and set up with crockery, appliances etc. And I rented a big ol' van and got in it in my work heels at 6pm one Tuesday night and had help to put his things in. And he's not spent a night here since. The HARDEST part of getting over him was realising it wasn't all bad. I was angry when we split up, angry because I wanted more kids, angry because I had scars inside and out, angry because I had exposed nearly every part of my life to his lies and abuse. But I treated every day after he left like I was born-again. Free. It took a long time for me to realise that there were some nice times, times I could remember fondly. Concerts we went to, thoughtful presents, walks with the dog, nights in together. I thought I had to hate him - I know that will sound naive but I needed a coping mechanism and that was it. And now he is trying to screw me for every goddamn penny I brought in to the relationship (85k plus my earning twice what he did for 8 yrs) I hate him even more! But I accept there were things he did well. I've found that hard. I'm waffling now. But trying to get to the point (this is cathartic, tune out if you like!). There was one evening, once, where I felt so fulfilled and complete that I felt like the rest of the world could blow up and I really would not bat an eyelid. It was December. We (me, him, my lad, his lad) had spent the day Christmas shopping. Everything we bought was listed, tagged and wrapped. X Factor had been on, then I was downloading music on the PC at the end of the living room, and having a glass of wine. The 3 'boys' were playing driving games on the console and generally ribbing each other, whilst calling out to my music what they liked and what they hated and what I should keep/bin. I took a lot of stick. Much merriment. I remember feeling AT THAT ONE MOMENT that if I lost everything and this was my last ever memory, I could live with that. I remember it so well. Like it was yesterday (It was 5 years ago). That moment, that carefree moment where I had everything I felt I needed right there in that room... I get that so frequently these days. If the 2 men I care about are with me (and before I met the older one, I got it with the younger one ), I could fight an army or build a castle single-handed. It's a real, physical overwhelming experience. Which still unnerves me but at the same time is wonderful. I don't know why I'm sharing, because it's got to go somewhere I guess. Coming to terms with my old relationship is a journey for sure. I feel I had gotten over 90% of my marriage within months/a year, but that last 10% took me 10 years. I don't even try and guess how long until I'm 'over' the nutcase, but I see a lot of good signs, an awful lot. The healing started day one, and I've gone from strength to strength . Like many women, I had 'left' the relationship before I escaped it. That helps a great deal. I just thought there may be others here who understood some of the above. I think that's it.
wheelwright Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hey SG That was a whole lot to throw at us . If I'm not mistaken, this is new to LS. I am finding it hard to piece together how you feel right now re MM, and how you feel about your R history. "I'm waffling now. But trying to get to the point (this is cathartic, tune out if you like!). There was one evening, once, where I felt so fulfilled and complete that I felt like the rest of the world could blow up and I really would not bat an eyelid. It was December. We (me, him, my lad, his lad) had spent the day Christmas shopping. Everything we bought was listed, tagged and wrapped. X Factor had been on, then I was downloading music on the PC at the end of the living room, and having a glass of wine. The 3 'boys' were playing driving games on the console and generally ribbing each other, whilst calling out to my music what they liked and what they hated and what I should keep/bin. I took a lot of stick. Much merriment. I remember feeling AT THAT ONE MOMENT that if I lost everything and this was my last ever memory, I could live with that. I remember it so well. Like it was yesterday (It was 5 years ago)." Bolded - I'd say good. That's what you are looking for, for you. But those moments are made to be cherished - not lived day in day out. The family ones - well all with kids know. But I am not one of those who understand - uh - where you are at or especially what you are asking??
BB07 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hugs SG.....I may be wrong, but I think the reason you are examing your past relationships is you are embarking on a new one, even though you and MM aren't exactly new, it's a different kind of new because he moved out. Do I have any of that right? I can relate to your thoughts, sometimes I think it's a wonder I'm not bona fide nuts, cause I think and I think some more. Anyway I reflect on past relationships and when I think back on my marriage ending,(15 years ago) I realize that it probably took me about 10 years to come to grips with it. I have regrets and I have some beautiful memories and some not good memories. It's a mixed bag as all relationships are. It does still makes me sad that we messed it up after all this time. I don't still harbor feelings of love for him, but I certainly remember how much I did love him at one time. The relationship that I had in between mr mm, (oh I mean lying asshat,) was an emotional abusive one and it left it's share of scars and baggage. (I sure can pick 'em uh ) but I think you will get what I'm saying here , when I look back on it, I know it wasn't all bad. We had some great times, and I had some of my wildest craziest fun was with him and as screwy as it is, I know that man really loved me. Obviously no relationship in our past is all bad or good, it's some of both and it's good that we can think back and remember those unforgettable moments and smile.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Bolded - I'd say good. That's what you are looking for, for you. But those moments are made to be cherished - not lived day in day out. The family ones - well all with kids know. But I am not one of those who understand - uh - where you are at or especially what you are asking?? I'm not really ASKING. just the whole process of re-remembering, and then filing away, I guess I thought that happens a lot for some of the people on this board. And that one moment was the only one in 8 years. And when it happened I knew it was special, only now it makes me sad to realise I only had ONE of those in 8 years, when I'm clearly open to feeling that way... And the nature of the relationship means it was unlikely to happen every day/week/month due to resentments and hurt and I hated all the lies etc (became fixated by them). But what's obvious from the outside isn't always so clear when we're standing in it
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Hugs SG.....I may be wrong, but I think the reason you are examing your past relationships is you are embarking on a new one, even though you and MM aren't exactly new, it's a different kind of new because he moved out. Do I have any of that right? I can relate to your thoughts, sometimes I think it's a wonder I'm not bona fide nuts, cause I think and I think some more. Anyway I reflect on past relationships and when I think back on my marriage ending,(15 years ago) I realize that it probably took me about 10 years to come to grips with it. I have regrets and I have some beautiful memories and some not good memories. It's a mixed bag as all relationships are. It does still makes me sad that we messed it up after all this time. I don't still harbor feelings of love for him, but I certainly remember how much I did love him at one time. The relationship that I had in between mr mm, (oh I mean lying asshat,) was an emotional abusive one and it left it's share of scars and baggage. (I sure can pick 'em uh ) but I think you will get what I'm saying here , when I look back on it, I know it wasn't all bad. We had some great times, and I had some of my wildest craziest fun was with him and as screwy as it is, I know that man really loved me. Obviously no relationship in our past is all bad or good, it's some of both and it's good that we can think back and remember those unforgettable moments and smile. Thanks BB, even though my blurt was apropos of nothing and not specifically OW-linked, I see you get me. And I think you're right, some of this (which I view as healthy, not upsetting, by the way) is probably triggered by the transition happening elsewhere. But your last para, you're right of course, I just think (or have found personally) it takes quite a lot of inner strength to get to that point if things have been traumatic... Of seeing good with bad and happy with sad. And I think it's a hugely positive thing (however long it takes) when you get there
turnstone Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 SG, I'm there, right with you. I have found it very difficult to reconcile the bad with the good that happened within my marriage and as you know, I am still finding it difficult to reconcile the bad in my marriage with the good I have in my life now. I also agree that it takes a lot of inner strength to be able to view this dichotomy without bewilderment and confusion. Maybe a healthy relationship with a good man helps with this
Sham WOW Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Maybe a healthy relationship with a good man helps with this And going from one dysfunctional relationship to another does not.
BB07 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 And going from one dysfunctional relationship to another does not. Ahhhhh not like anyone would ever guess that.
Hazyhead Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Hi SG You're sounding well, that's great. I think that when we've had traumatic relationships, reliving details can be so hard when there is still pain. The fact that you can tell us all that AND focus on what was good about a relationship that caused you to fear for yours and your son's safety in an indicator of how much you've healed over it. You're so ready for your relationship!
turnstone Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 And going from one dysfunctional relationship to another does not. I was referring to one of my threads which SG posted to, she knows what I mean by my post in this thread. I'm not in a dysfunctional relationship, I'm not in a relationship at all. Ahhhhh not like anyone would ever guess that. Have I upset you? What's with the rolling eyes and sarcastic tone?
Spark1111 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I understand those moments of pure bliss that can be cherished in the midst of chaos, or pain, or the ending of a relationship or even a chapter in one's life. It's a touchstone. And it drives home in our heart that there is no all good or all bad, just differing degrees of good and degrees of bad. And sometimes it tips the scale to "the end" but a moment or two can still be cherished along the way to dissolution.
BB07 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 And going from one dysfunctional relationship to another does not. I was referring to one of my threads which SG posted to, she knows what I mean by my post in this thread. I'm not in a dysfunctional relationship, I'm not in a relationship at all. Have I upset you? What's with the rolling eyes and sarcastic tone? Turnstone.......my sarcastic reply was not to you at all, (Sham Wow) was who I replied to. Actually Sham Wow was stating the obvious about dysfunctional relationships and I was just being a smart azz. Sorry you misunderstood Turnstone.
wheelwright Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I understand those moments of pure bliss that can be cherished in the midst of chaos, or pain, or the ending of a relationship or even a chapter in one's life. It's a touchstone. And it drives home in our heart that there is no all good or all bad, just differing degrees of good and degrees of bad. And sometimes it tips the scale to "the end" but a moment or two can still be cherished along the way to dissolution. Such a beautiful post. Perhaps this gets to the heart of SG's question. SG - I am not sure why you were talking about this. Unless Spark has nailed it. Is there a way you could pin down your thoughts on this? I am interested!
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 Such a beautiful post. Perhaps this gets to the heart of SG's question. SG - I am not sure why you were talking about this. Unless Spark has nailed it. Is there a way you could pin down your thoughts on this? I am interested! This whole process, regarding my ex, has been going on for 18 months, although if you add in the relationship span it's 9.5 yrs. I read most posts on this board and lots of them are about pain; or remembering things differently second time around; or the difference between the affair relationship and other relationships and lots more besides. The whole journey aspect some of these ladies (and men) are on really fascinates me. I don't even feel like I'm the same person as when I joined a few short months ago. So these thoughts I hadn't been able to articulate previously... which relate to an enormous part of my life... and I thought posters here would understand the whole re-remembering and looking with fresh eyes aspect because so many of them have had to do the same regarding their affair. It was quite self-indulgent really WW!! But just me sharing some thoughts about my post-relationship healing process. Have I shed some light or made it worse??!!
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