Does/Did your relationship with MM/MW have rules?

[TinaniT]

This has been brought up on both sides so I decided to post an informal poll.

 

Were there restrictions on when you could call MM, times you could not get in touch, where you could go, or anything else you feel is relevant to this vein?

 

In my personal case, there was never a time I was discouraged from calling MM. Home, work, 1 am, whatever. He did not sleep with his wife so she wouldn't know about the middle of the night calls anyhow, but regardless he was more concerned with making sure I was happy for any point I called. We did take trips and go out in public, etc. etc. It was however several hours drive from where his wife lived though and not a small town. He spent the night whenever I asked (after I separated myself, most nights), would stay the weekend or take a trip with me if I asked, no question. He did not sleep with his wife, or go out with his wife, or take trips anymore (by the point he met me, but he was more insistent on it after he fell in love with, said to me it would feel like betrayal of me) I can't really recognize a lot of what is stated the OW has to put up with.

The situation may be a little different in that he was emotionally decided on a divorce and actively investigating on how to go about it (had been to a lawyer) before he met me, and I was his priority when he fell in love, and he left very quickly afterward. But I wonder in reading other posts - is it that different?

 

How was it in your case?

[Silly_Girl]

I think my guilt meant I didn't call/contact him at certain times. I don't know why, I still don't know why now, but there were times I felt it was wrong (on both of them) for me to be calling and expect a reply. I used to feel dreadful about all of that.

 

I had a car accident (in fact I had 2), and called him. He didn't answer, but that was because his phone was on silent at work and he uses his phone infrequently (compared to myself and my friends). I was upset he didn't answer (in those few minutes) but he called me back and I realised it wasn't about him being married. It was about him being busy!

 

I knew that between 8pm and 10pm I ought not expect a reply, on certain nights of the week. But I never felt he SHOULD reply. Then there were the nights he called me at 9pm, and at 2am/3am/4am we were still talking.

 

I'm still missing him a lot, because he's not here every day. I thought him having moved out of the marital home would ease my feelings, give me some reassurance, or, I don't know - something. But I guess it's not about where he lives, it's because I genuinely miss him.

 

Getting back to rules, I got used to not expecting to see him more than every other weekend, but... I NEED that time with my boy. When I did live with someone I encouraged him to take a role that encompassed working Saturdays, because it suited us as a household. My ex got a day to please himself (aka play PS3) and I got more time on my own with my lad. So alternate weekends with MM wasn't so much imposed as mutual.

[jj33]

There were no rules other than dont do anything to embarrass his W and family. But I could speak to him whenever I wanted to, we regularly stayed overnight at each other's homes, we were out in public together all the time at restaurants etc.

 

That being said, I rarely phoned him when he was with his family out of respect for them although he would often call me. I would text him instead. I actively encouraged him to spend time with his family at various points when he didnt really want to. Since he wasnt leaving I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

During the time we were together I spent far more time with him than his W did. And for the first few months after it was over I spoke to him far more often than his W did even tho the PA was over.

[wheelwright]

Yes there were unwritten rules. I did not want to force DDay on him, and until he did, he did not wish that on me.

 

Lots and lots of unwritten rules.

 

And in the end, he broke the rule we had written - that the A should be a secret however it turned out.

 

Most of the rules were obvious, and would change according to the situation and the particular kind of control you are submitting to. And your morals. Like - an unwritten rule that was never discussed - we didn't sleep in (either) marital bed. Obvious.

 

Or go from one bed to the other.

 

Or bad-mouth our SOs.

 

Or phone when it would be bad. Or keep texts that would result in DDay if read.

 

Or say that you are the most important love of my life and this is doing my head in - oh wait, we failed on this A absolute.

 

It was all unwritten though - except the not telling. Then my xMOM told. I like to think I am at a wonder about that, rather than bitter. But hey.

 

Anyway, rules are right up there to be broken...

 

Love in the confines of a rule bound paradigm? Sh** will meet fan.

 

For someone. For everyone?

[jj33]

Good points Wheelwright. We had numerous of the same unwritten rules about the beds not badmouthing his W etc. I also didnt want to force D day on him although in retrospect he wanted me to. And I broke the unwritten rules when I told but then I was pushed and pushed. Never would have thought I would have broken that rule ever and certainly not so long after the A was over.

[pureinheart]

This has been brought up on both sides so I decided to post an informal poll.

 

Were there restrictions on when you could call MM, times you could not get in touch, where you could go, or anything else you feel is relevant to this vein?

 

In my personal case, there was never a time I was discouraged from calling MM. Home, work, 1 am, whatever. He did not sleep with his wife so she wouldn't know about the middle of the night calls anyhow, but regardless he was more concerned with making sure I was happy for any point I called. We did take trips and go out in public, etc. etc. It was however several hours drive from where his wife lived though and not a small town. He spent the night whenever I asked (after I separated myself, most nights), would stay the weekend or take a trip with me if I asked, no question. He did not sleep with his wife, or go out with his wife, or take trips anymore (by the point he met me, but he was more insistent on it after he fell in love with, said to me it would feel like betrayal of me) I can't really recognize a lot of what is stated the OW has to put up with.

The situation may be a little different in that he was emotionally decided on a divorce and actively investigating on how to go about it (had been to a lawyer) before he met me, and I was his priority when he fell in love, and he left very quickly afterward. But I wonder in reading other posts - is it that different?

 

How was it in your case?

 

Looking back at the situation objectively, there were no rules per se. I never allowed myself to get in quite that deep. In fact, I had more said rules than anything.

 

I went along with various things due to the fear I saw in him and the knowledge of him not being ready to make a break. Also we were friends first.

 

At first I thought something was going to come of this...and I not sure what "this" is:eek:, then realised I was the transitional person. Actually there were more "rules" during and after the D.

 

I just thank God that I lived through it, now it is time to focus on me, work out the last little bit of anger and be done...it's over, it's all over:)

[pureinheart]

Yes there were unwritten rules. I did not want to force DDay on him, and until he did, he did not wish that on me.

 

Lots and lots of unwritten rules.

 

And in the end, he broke the rule we had written - that the A should be a secret however it turned out.

 

Most of the rules were obvious, and would change according to the situation and the particular kind of control you are submitting to. And your morals. Like - an unwritten rule that was never discussed - we didn't sleep in (either) marital bed. Obvious.

 

Or go from one bed to the other.

 

Or bad-mouth our SOs.

 

Or phone when it would be bad. Or keep texts that would result in DDay if read.

 

Or say that you are the most important love of my life and this is doing my head in - oh wait, we failed on this A absolute.

 

It was all unwritten though - except the not telling. Then my xMOM told. I like to think I am at a wonder about that, rather than bitter. But hey.

 

Anyway, rules are right up there to be broken...

 

Love in the confines of a rule bound paradigm? Sh** will meet fan.

 

For someone. For everyone?

 

This says it all right here (bold)...

[20Seconds]

Every aspect of our R is defined by "rules" - mostly mutually agreed, which is not the same as liking it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I had a rule for myself: no one was to interfere with the relationship I had going at the time if I was in one, and I subsequently would not allow any MM (or otherwise involved man) to let whatever we had interfere with his relationship. If someone crossed that line with me they were instantly history.

 

I got involved with them because they were with someone else and less likely to expect more from me than I was willing to give emotionally. There were often feelings, and genuine ones - don't get me wrong. Just not intentions to make it into more than it was.

 

The only exception was with a guy I didn't realize was 'with' someone until I was in way over my head with him. Let's just say it didn't end well.

 

I guess it was pretty simple, when it comes right down to it - if I was seeing someone who was seeing someone else, I expected it to be like a FWB - fun and emotional but with no strings.

 

If I wanted strings, I would save that for single guys or whatever person I was involved with at the time.

[OWoman]

My previous As were like this:

 

I subsequently would not allow any MM (or otherwise involved man) to let whatever we had interfere with his relationship. If someone crossed that line with me they were instantly history.

 

I got involved with them because they were with someone else and less likely to expect more from me than I was willing to give

 

and there were plenty of rules:

 

• Don't call me - I'll call you.
  
• If contacting me is unavoidable - because you're unable to keep an arrangement, say - do not expect me to call back. Ever.
  
• I will have other lovers. Don't ever ask me about them, or ask me to compare you to any (or all) of the others. They're my business, not yours.
  
• You will have your place in my life for those brief interludes when I choose to spend time / exchange body fluids with you. Beyond that, you won't exist for me. And I will not exist for you. Don't demonstrate any interest in any other area of my life.
  
• Similarly, I have no interest in you beyond our interludes. Don't attempt to share your life with me in any way.
  
• I am not going to lie about anything, but I will not vonlunteer anything nor admit anything unless directly questioned in a court of law. I expect similar discretion.
  
• I expect complete honesty toward me. What you say to anyone else is your business, as long as it doesn't violate my principle of discretion.
  
• The arrangement is over whenever either party decides it to be, unilaterally. There is no appeal process. Over means instant deletion of any contact details.
  

 

With my H, things became rather different. The honesty rule remained, but the other rules were loosened up little by little.

[pureinheart]

My previous As were like this:

 

 

 

and there were plenty of rules:

 

• Don't call me - I'll call you.
  
• If contacting me is unavoidable - because you're unable to keep an arrangement, say - do not expect me to call back. Ever.
  
• I will have other lovers. Don't ever ask me about them, or ask me to compare you to any (or all) of the others. They're my business, not yours.
  
• You will have your place in my life for those brief interludes when I choose to spend time / exchange body fluids with you. Beyond that, you won't exist for me. And I will not exist for you. Don't demonstrate any interest in any other area of my life.
  
• Similarly, I have no interest in you beyond our interludes. Don't attempt to share your life with me in any way.
  
• I am not going to lie about anything, but I will not vonlunteer anything nor admit anything unless directly questioned in a court of law. I expect similar discretion.
  
• I expect complete honesty toward me. What you say to anyone else is your business, as long as it doesn't violate my principle of discretion.
  
• The arrangement is over whenever either party decides it to be, unilaterally. There is no appeal process. Over means instant deletion of any contact details.
  

With my H, things became rather different. The honesty rule remained, but the other rules were loosened up little by little.

 

Your H must be incredible:)...I totally understand where you and LB were coming from.

[skylarblue]

Rules of the A were:

 

-Specific times in which I could call

-No going out or coming over (uber rare) in the daytime

-No dates; No joint public appearances unless he was working

-Be available for him, but don’t expect him to have the same

availability (since it is easier for me than him to get/be away)

-Never admit to the A

 

We’ve gotten rid of the rules in the past few months, other than we still have not gone out as a “couple”, but he is open to it now and I’m always to deny our involvement to anyone.