She left me after 2 years - it's been 1 month!

[Cuchara2]

So my girlfriend and I were going out for just over 2 years and we broke up about 3 week ago after not having seen each other for about 2 months because of the following reasons:

 

- Both of us have cheated one way or another. I made out with someone and she pecked someone (not really a bad version of cheating but I'm just throwing it out there - happened this summer).

 

- I supposedly treated her badly - I thought I treated her well but not as best I could (big mistake on my behalf) so I think she thinks I treated her badly because she treated me amazingly and I didn't treat her as well as that.

 

- I wasn't sensitive enough. Her brother had some problems and has had for the past 8 months. I was very understanding for the first 3, I would always comfort her, I would always tell her it would be OK, we would always talk about it but at one point after 3 months I told her we could talk about it, which we did, but not as much as I couldn't continue to let it take over my life like it was although it was important.

 

- She said she wanter time to herself. I don't know what that means exactly but I guess she wants time to herself and not need to care about someone else and his problems etc.

 

So I had a rough time for about 1 - 2 months before we left for summer holidays and couldn't really pay that much attention to her. I was having legal problems, I had huge exams coming up which I needed to study for and I generally wanted to have some time alone but I couldn't tell her in a way that I thought she wouldn't think I was trying to break up with her, so I generally saw her less. Then everything fixed and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her, be really nice to her etc. which I did and I thought it was going great. Then I left for summer to go on holidays and so did she and we didn't see each other for 2 months in total. We talked during that time and nothing seemed wrong but she told me she wanted to break up with me after she "cheated" on me. I tried to change her mind but she wouldn't listen. I saw her again recently and we talked and I felt like she really didn't want to do it but she just wanted to be alone and wanted her space.

 

I understand this after 2 years and I had gone through it so I know what it felt like. I talked to some of her friends (female) which are really good friends of mine and they said I should give her space for a bit and one said don't talk to her at all and be really nice to her when we do talk. Basically I shouldn't make the first move towards talking over Instant Messengers (msn, skype etc.) not text her or call her but when she does talk to me then be really nice. A male friend of mine said he did this too and it got back his girlfriend.

 

I've been "No contacting" her for about 2 weeks now, apart from once or twice where I forcedly had to ask her something. Recently we went on a school trip for 4 days and we started talking again (well she did, I just replied and continued once or twice) then we went to a club and i was dancing with a bunch of women and I guess she got jealous, so she told one of my friends (who was drunk out of his mind) to tell me she didn't want to get back with me and said to another friend of mine that she isn't worth it. I went to the hotel room she was staying in the next morning and knocked on her door and talked to her (she wasn't expecting this at all) and I told her what she did was unprovoked, un-necessary and if she wanted to tell me something then she should say it to my face, and she shouldn't use my friends to do her dirty work, then left. She didn't know how to reply and said some completely random things and got all worked up over it. She looked really sad for the rest of the day which hurt me but I didn't show it.

 

So I'm confused by that. On friday, I'm going to her house because we're doing this leaving thing for another friend of mine. It's not because of her, but it's gonna be awkwarrddd..

 

Need advice All help is greatly appreciated! P.s. I still love her and care for her!

Edited September 20, 2010 by Cuchara2

[charliecharlie]

I guess you need some male advice on this one.

I'd say, if you love eachother, then why all the cheating?

If you really still care for her as much as you say, and she does also,

then talk to her but keep things light, fun and casual. Don't bring up the past, don't say anything you might regret later. Don't make her jealous, just let her know that you are into her, but not too much. Just be you.

[Cuchara2]

Aahhh the cheating was just stupid. I don't know why I did it. So do you think I shouldn't do NC, just not talk to her much, but when I do be fun casual etc.?

[Am4Real]

 

 

 

So I'm confused by that. On friday, I'm going to her house because we're doing this leaving thing for another friend of mine. It's not because of her, but it's gonna be awkwarrddd..

 

Need advice All help is greatly appreciated! P.s. I still love her and care for her!

 

 

You’re confused?

 

I don’t think that’s the entire case here, you’re playing games and calling it NO CONTACT. You are reading into her body language and “drunken actions” looking for signs of some sort while she all-the-same keeps tabs on you when you’re in the same venue or space.

 

If you want to call this NO CONTACT let me correct you politely and tell you this is not NO CONTACT.

 

Seems you still have feelings for this girl and would like another chance.

 

Go and tell her and ask for that chance! Tell her politely and without emotion what you realize and why it will be different for her and for you. Let her make her decision on her time. Do not expect an immediate answer and for goodness sake leave her alone, completely alone, while she contemplates what you have said

 

Do not use TEXT or email in this stage, just be yourself and speak with her. You may have missed the opportunity at the hotel room door when you challenged her and accused her instead of telling her how you feel. Don’t be too surprised if you are rejected or she begrudgingly agrees to talk with you. You blew it!

 

If she rejects you respect here decision, leave her alone and move on. Practice complete NO CONTACT and stay out of the places she frequents for ~ six months. Again it’s about respect for her and healing for you.

 

Hope this helps, it’s not meant to be critical or harsh. Only meant to get you focused on your heart one way or another.

 

Best wishes.

 

p.s. No matter what you choose do not go to that joint event at her house. Not only will be awkward it will work against the goals mentioned above.

[Cuchara2]

You’re confused?

 

I don’t think that’s the entire case here, you’re playing games and calling it NO CONTACT. You are reading into her body language and “drunken actions” looking for signs of some sort while she all-the-same keeps tabs on you when you’re in the same venue or space.

 

If you want to call this NO CONTACT let me correct you politely and tell you this is not NO CONTACT.

 

Seems you still have feelings for this girl and would like another chance.

 

Go and tell her and ask for that chance! Tell her politely and without emotion what you realize and why it will be different for her and for you. Let her make her decision on her time. Do not expect an immediate answer and for goodness sake leave her alone, completely alone, while she contemplates what you have said

 

Do not use TEXT or email in this stage, just be yourself and speak with her. You may have missed the opportunity at the hotel room door when you challenged her and accused her instead of telling her how you feel. Don’t be too surprised if you are rejected or she begrudgingly agrees to talk with you. You blew it!

 

If she rejects you respect here decision, leave her alone and move on. Practice complete NO CONTACT and stay out of the places she frequents for ~ six months. Again it’s about respect for her and healing for you.

 

Hope this helps, it’s not meant to be critical or harsh. Only meant to get you focused on your heart one way or another.

 

Best wishes.

 

p.s. No matter what you choose do not go to that joint event at her house. Not only will be awkward it will work against the goals mentioned above.

 

I really appreciate your help, but the problem is that my friends are her friends, and hers are mine. I can't not go to her house, as it is one of my best friends leaving, so I basically have to go.

 

Shall I show that I'm not happy with going to her house or not say anything? Also when I go there, do I talk to her at all or not? Maybe tell her the thing about another chance?

[Don Ho]

I really appreciate your help, but the problem is that my friends are her friends, and hers are mine. I can't not go to her house, as it is one of my best friends leaving, so I basically have to go.

Shall I show that I'm not happy with going to her house or not say anything? Also when I go there, do I talk to her at all or not? Maybe tell her the thing about another chance?

 

NO, do not tell her you're not happy going to her house. You're going to put on your best game face and just be friendly and cordial like NOTHING is bothering you. NO!! DO NOT tell her you want a second chance. WAY too early and way too soon. She has to be the one to tell you shes wants a SC. Come on Bro, get it?

[Cuchara2]

So I talk to her or I don't? O_o I always act as happy as I can and like nothing's bothering me, but people tell me to NC but now you're saying not to I've read some other posts of yours and seen you seem to know what you're talking about, so I'd like to hear your point of view.

 

P.s. I'm 18 and still in school, last year, so I see her every day.

[Am4Real]

NO, do not tell her you're not happy going to her house. You're going to put on your best game face and just be friendly and cordial like NOTHING is bothering you. NO!! DO NOT tell her you want a second chance. WAY too early and way too soon. She has to be the one to tell you shes wants a SC. Come on Bro, get it?

 

Brother Don,

 

I don’t know if you caught the reference it in the first post near the end where the OP states he challenged her at her hotel room and fundamentally read her an ultimatum about [highlight] “when she has anything to say to him it should be done face-to-face”[/highlight].

 

Albeit a true statement for any couple (present, past or future), I’m afraid this early type of verbal confrontation has either intimidated her into not speaking her true feelings from here on or made her think this fellow is an a$$ whether or not he is.

 

Only for this reason I think he needs to come clean with her.

 

The advice for the party behavior is spot on if he needs to go although if it were me and my feelings were in that much flux, I would avoid the affair by calling my selected friends and offering a private dinner or some other event; I’m sure they would understand. Nonetheless I would not consume alcohol in this environment, it’s bound to cloud emotions and actions and, I would keep my stay short and limited to the earlier hours of the evening.

 

In the end those that are respectful and considerate are treated likewise and your advice with “apparent pleasant demeanor being on display” is hopefully followed.

 

Am4Real.

[Am4Real]

So I talk to her or I don't? O_o I always act as happy as I can and like nothing's bothering me, but people tell me to NC but now you're saying not to I've read some other posts of yours and seen you seem to know what you're talking about, so I'd like to hear your point of view.

 

P.s. I'm 18 and still in school, last year, so I see her every day.

 

please re-read his guidance, that is not what he said...I'm sure he'll jump in here shortly but you seem to be looking for someone to tell you something you hope to hear. Tell us WHAT YOU REALLY WANT so we can help you.

[Cuchara2]

Brother Don,

 

I don’t know if you caught the reference it in the first post near the end where the OP states he challenged her at her hotel room and fundamentally read her an ultimatum about [highlight] “when she has anything to say to him it should be done face-to-face”[/highlight].

 

Albeit a true statement for any couple (present, past or future), I’m afraid this early type of verbal confrontation has either intimidated her into not speaking her true feelings from here on or made her think this fellow is an a$$ whether or not he is.

 

Only for this reason I think he needs to come clean with her.

 

The advice for the party behavior is spot on if he needs to go although if it were me and my feelings were in that much flux, I would avoid the affair by calling my selected friends and offering a private dinner or some other event; I’m sure they would understand. Nonetheless I would not consume alcohol in this environment, it’s bound to cloud emotions and actions and, I would keep my stay short and limited to the earlier hours of the evening.

 

In the end those that are respectful and considerate are treated likewise and your advice with “apparent pleasant demeanor being on display” is hopefully followed.

 

Am4Real.

 

Thanks for the input, yeah I think I need to come clean with her. I have no problem going to her house I just think there might be a little awkwardness. I can act it out though wihtout a problem. I am confident as a person and I don't have problems in that sector.

[Cuchara2]

please re-read his guidance, that is not what he said...I'm sure he'll jump in here shortly but you seem to be looking for someone to tell you something you hope to hear. Tell us WHAT YOU REALLY WANT so we can help you.

 

I want to get back with her. I got the feeling that he was saying that No contact wasn't the way to go, but I can see now that he might not have meant that.

[LoveAintEverything]

You both cheated...it is really hard to get over something like that.

 

But, if you are both willing to forgive each other, just give her the space..let her come to you when she is ready

[Cuchara2]

Just an update, I saw on facebook how she's been "liking" all these dodgy things such as:

- Good night SMS's

- THere are 6 million people in this world, but you only need one of them.

- If i text you, it means I misses you, if not it means i'm waiting for you to miss me.

 

Could be a sign, I dunno, I personally hate facebook, just trying to give you as much information as possible and keep you updated

[Jeff M Stevens]

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this. My perceptions are below

 

So my girlfriend and I were going out for just over 2 years and we broke up about 3 week ago after not having seen each other for about 2 months because of the following reasons:

 

So that's nearly 3 months without contact with her? I'm not thinking she's too in love

 

- Both of us have cheated one way or another. I made out with someone and she pecked someone (not really a bad version of cheating but I'm just throwing it out there - happened this summer).

 

Were you two separated at the time? Sounds like this was in the 2 month window?

 

- I supposedly treated her badly - I thought I treated her well but not as best I could (big mistake on my behalf) so I think she thinks I treated her badly because she treated me amazingly and I didn't treat her as well as that.

 

Are you overrating how well she treated you now that you miss her? What specifically leads you to say that you treated her badly while she treated you well?

 

- I wasn't sensitive enough. Her brother had some problems and has had for the past 8 months. I was very understanding for the first 3, I would always comfort her, I would always tell her it would be OK, we would always talk about it but at one point after 3 months I told her we could talk about it, which we did, but not as much as I couldn't continue to let it take over my life like it was although it was important.

 

Depends on how you said this to her. You did make a tactical error when you did a 180 on her. Caring for 3 months then much less for 5 months? You're not her psychiatrist, though...you're her lover. I don't think you were in error in feeling like her brother shouldn't be the crux of the conversation all the time but again, to throw cold water on her after playing the sympathy card for 3 months is probably what she reacted to.

 

- She said she wanter time to herself. I don't know what that means exactly but I guess she wants time to herself and not need to care about someone else and his problems etc.

 

That's womanese for you're out forever. Women that are hugely in love do not want to separate from men they love.

 

So I had a rough time for about 1 - 2 months before we left for summer holidays and couldn't really pay that much attention to her. I was having legal problems, I had huge exams coming up which I needed to study for and I generally wanted to have some time alone but I couldn't tell her in a way that I thought she wouldn't think I was trying to break up with her, so I generally saw her less. Then everything fixed and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her, be really nice to her etc. which I did and I thought it was going great. Then I left for summer to go on holidays and so did she and we didn't see each other for 2 months in total. We talked during that time and nothing seemed wrong but she told me she wanted to break up with me after she "cheated" on me. I tried to change her mind but she wouldn't listen. I saw her again recently and we talked and I felt like she really didn't want to do it but she just wanted to be alone and wanted her space.

Again, she built up enough resentment that she decided that she wanted the 2 month break to be permanent. "I want my space" means you're out

 

I understand this after 2 years and I had gone through it so I know what it felt like. I talked to some of her friends (female) which are really good friends of mine and they said I should give her space for a bit and one said don't talk to her at all and be really nice to her when we do talk. Basically I shouldn't make the first move towards talking over Instant Messengers (msn, skype etc.) not text her or call her but when she does talk to me then be really nice. A male friend of mine said he did this too and it got back his girlfriend.

 

Why would you want a disloyal girl who cheated on you?

 

I've been "No contacting" her for about 2 weeks now, apart from once or twice where I forcedly had to ask her something. Recently we went on a school trip for 4 days and we started talking again (well she did, I just replied and continued once or twice) then we went to a club and i was dancing with a bunch of women and I guess she got jealous, so she told one of my friends (who was drunk out of his mind) to tell me she didn't want to get back with me and said to another friend of mine that she isn't worth it. I went to the hotel room she was staying in the next morning and knocked on her door and talked to her (she wasn't expecting this at all) and I told her what she did was unprovoked, un-necessary and if she wanted to tell me something then she should say it to my face, and she shouldn't use my friends to do her dirty work, then left. She didn't know how to reply and said some completely random things and got all worked up over it. She looked really sad for the rest of the day which hurt me but I didn't show it.

 

You've got too many of your friends and her friends in your business. Plenty of potential for things to be distorted and none of it is helping your cause. Plus your fringe "buddies" who act like your friends but aren't your friends are just trying to pick her up while smiling in your face, especially if she's attractive.

 

So I'm confused by that. On friday, I'm going to her house because we're doing this leaving thing for another friend of mine. It's not because of her, but it's gonna be awkwarrddd..

 

I would find some way, anyway not to be there.

 

Need advice All help is greatly appreciated! P.s. I still love her and care for her!

 

Please move on to a new adventure. I think you've got a disloyal, low integrity girl on your hands who has low interest level in you. If she was any kind of stand up person that really loved you and had a loving heart, she would not have cheated on you behind your back. Period.

 

If you get her back, heaven help you.

[Cuchara2]

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this. My perceptions are below

 

So that's nearly 3 months without contact with her? I'm not thinking she's too in love

- There was daily contact over the phone and instant messengers, just not face to face.

 

Were you two separated at the time? Sounds like this was in the 2 month window?

- Not me, but she did.

 

Are you overrating how well she treated you now that you miss her? What specifically leads you to say that you treated her badly while she treated you well?

- I did not give her the time and total care she needed when I was having my troubles, but was always there for her. I couldn't always provide for her all the time. She was always ready to do whatever I needed or wanted whenever I wanted. (Of course I didn't abuse this, I'm just saying she was always willing and cared about me). Also, I never treated her "badly", I could have done better though.

 

Depends on how you said this to her. You did make a tactical error when you did a 180 on her. Caring for 3 months then much less for 5 months? You're not her psychiatrist, though...you're her lover. I don't think you were in error in feeling like her brother shouldn't be the crux of the conversation all the time but again, to throw cold water on her after playing the sympathy card for 3 months is probably what she reacted to.

- I didn't "throw cold water on her" as you say, I just kindly asked her if we could talk about it less, but if she ever really needed to talk, then we could without any problems.

 

That's womanese for you're out forever. Women that are hugely in love do not want to separate from men they love.

- I'm having a hard time accepting that. This is my first long relationship and I don't see how she can just give up like that.

 

Again, she built up enough resentment that she decided that she wanted the 2 month break to be permanent. "I want my space" means you're out

- What I said above.

 

Why would you want a disloyal girl who cheated on you?

- She got drunk and pecked someone. I don't really believe that 100% but she's stayed by it but what can I say. She could have done much worse, and didn't throughout our relationship.

 

You've got too many of your friends and her friends in your business. Plenty of potential for things to be distorted and none of it is helping your cause. Plus your fringe "buddies" who act like your friends but aren't your friends are just trying to pick her up while smiling in your face, especially if she's attractive.

- Already found who they are and told them to f**k off. Had my real friends talk to them too and also tell them to f**k off. I'm used to it though as even through our relationship I had this problem, thus they are not my friends.

 

I would find some way, anyway not to be there.

- That wouldn't be something I'd do. I'm not going to let this scare me away from what my friends are doing etc.

 

Please move on to a new adventure. I think you've got a disloyal, low integrity girl on your hands who has low interest level in you. If she was any kind of stand up person that really loved you and had a loving heart, she would not have cheated on you behind your back. Period.

- I think you have the wrong idea. I can't really complain to her too much about her cheating on me seeing as I did the same. Of course I can show I'm angry or whatever but I can't really hold it against her.

 

 

I was actually wanting a reply like this as I wanted to see the "other side". I know you've all probably heard what's coming after this hundreds of times, but I actually have my reasons.

 

1) I am a changed person. Not because of her, but because of some things that happened in my life. I'm much happier and outgoing and much calmer.

 

2) She is catholic. Not really very strongly but she goes to church weekly. Her parents are strongly catholic. If her parents found out she did any sort of cheating etc. she would be shipped off to an all girls school and no one would hear from her. Also, on top of that, I can see the people that would constantly cheat and I don't think she has that mind set.

 

3) I've never had these experiences before and I guess I'm gonna be a total idiot no matter what I do. Your advice is probably the best but I just cannot leave it.

 

 

I personally feel that the best thing to do is move on and see if she comes back, but then see how I feel at that point. Of course I will find it hard, but I'll act it out. How does that sound?

 

So apart from any advice on my current situation, I would also like advice on what to do if she does come back because I am completely lost about that.

 

Thanks all for your replies, they are really helping

[Jeff M Stevens]

Some of the answers I'm giving you below might seem harsh and I don't mean them to be...I'm just being real as to how I perceive things based on the information you're giving me. I do feel as if you are a good guy that is dealing with a woman that fell out of love. I'm really sorry that you're hurting and hope you find some peace and happiness.

 

 

So that's nearly 3 months without contact with her? I'm not thinking she's too in love

- There was daily contact over the phone and instant messengers, just not face to face.

The bottom line factor says that she left though...again, women that are in love do not leave us

 

Were you two separated at the time? Sounds like this was in the 2 month window?

- Not me, but she did.

Ok

 

Are you overrating how well she treated you now that you miss her? What specifically leads you to say that you treated her badly while she treated you well?

- I did not give her the time and total care she needed when I was having my troubles, but was always there for her. I couldn't always provide for her all the time. She was always ready to do whatever I needed or wanted whenever I wanted. (Of course I didn't abuse this, I'm just saying she was always willing and cared about me). Also, I never treated her "badly", I could have done better though.

Well then, you are probably putting a head trip on yourself as far as driving her away. I guess we all can do "better" but it doesn't sound to me like you did anything that would be considered a deal breaker.

 

Depends on how you said this to her. You did make a tactical error when you did a 180 on her. Caring for 3 months then much less for 5 months? You're not her psychiatrist, though...you're her lover. I don't think you were in error in feeling like her brother shouldn't be the crux of the conversation all the time but again, to throw cold water on her after playing the sympathy card for 3 months is probably what she reacted to.

- I didn't "throw cold water on her" as you say, I just kindly asked her if we could talk about it less, but if she ever really needed to talk, then we could without any problems.

Again, what I said above. You seem to be blaming yourself for the break up but it sounds like you didn't do anything heinous to bring it about.

 

That's womanese for you're out forever. Women that are hugely in love do not want to separate from men they love.

- I'm having a hard time accepting that. This is my first long relationship and I don't see how she can just give up like that.

Read what I wrote above...its the bottom line factor. Women that are in love do not say "I need space" and they certainly don't say "I cheated on you" and refuse to reconcile. Women help you when they like (or love) you

 

Again, she built up enough resentment that she decided that she wanted the 2 month break to be permanent. "I want my space" means you're out

- What I said above.

Same...bottom line factor. A woman in love does not act like this.

 

Why would you want a disloyal girl who cheated on you?

- She got drunk and pecked someone. I don't really believe that 100% but she's stayed by it but what can I say. She could have done much worse, and didn't throughout our relationship.

But towards the end, she just did and said whatever she could to get out. Women that are in love don't do this.

 

You've got too many of your friends and her friends in your business. Plenty of potential for things to be distorted and none of it is helping your cause. Plus your fringe "buddies" who act like your friends but aren't your friends are just trying to pick her up while smiling in your face, especially if she's attractive.

- Already found who they are and told them to f**k off. Had my real friends talk to them too and also tell them to f**k off. I'm used to it though as even through our relationship I had this problem, thus they are not my friends.

But you're listening to friends and getting information on what should be a private matter. The relationship is way too out there. I'm not hammering you but other people can be what are known as "blockers" and rarely can ever help

 

I would find some way, anyway not to be there.

- That wouldn't be something I'd do. I'm not going to let this scare me away from what my friends are doing etc.

Your call but it sounds like your putting yourself in a position for pain you don't need

 

Please move on to a new adventure. I think you've got a disloyal, low integrity girl on your hands who has low interest level in you. If she was any kind of stand up person that really loved you and had a loving heart, she would not have cheated on you behind your back. Period.

- I think you have the wrong idea. I can't really complain to her too much about her cheating on me seeing as I did the same. Of course I can show I'm angry or whatever but I can't really hold it against her.

Just because you had dysfunction in the relationship does not excuse her dysfunction. You have to wonder what led to the relationship breaking down to the point where you both were cheating. Bottom line is she cheated and then refused to see you. Pretty hard to get around that as far as building something really long term

 

 

I was actually wanting a reply like this as I wanted to see the "other side". I know you've all probably heard what's coming after this hundreds of times, but I actually have my reasons.

 

1) I am a changed person. Not because of her, but because of some things that happened in my life. I'm much happier and outgoing and much calmer.

That's great....self-improvement is always good

 

2) She is catholic. Not really very strongly but she goes to church weekly. Her parents are strongly catholic. If her parents found out she did any sort of cheating etc. she would be shipped off to an all girls school and no one would hear from her. Also, on top of that, I can see the people that would constantly cheat and I don't think she has that mind set.

Again...bottom line factor. She admitted to cheating so she did it. And your situation with her has nothing to do with her religion. You can only go by her actions towards you, no matter what her church status is.

 

Ok, let's give her the total benefit of the doubt and say she didn't cheat but is just saying she did to anger you and/or get away from you. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt is not a good situation for you. I'm looking at a situation here where you have a woman that physically didn't see you for 2 months, then broke up with you and didn't see you for another month so that's 3 full months without being together physically. She tells you she cheats and then refuses any attempt at reconciliation and wants "space." Women that are fully in love with a guy just don't do that. They figure out a way to be with you and make it easy to be around them. I'm afraid you're just rationalizing this.

 

 

3) I've never had these experiences before and I guess I'm gonna be a total idiot no matter what I do. Your advice is probably the best but I just cannot leave it.

You don't sound like an idiot to me...you just sound like a guy in love that is having trouble dealing with this. Totally normal and rational.

 

 

I personally feel that the best thing to do is move on and see if she comes back, but then see how I feel at that point. Of course I will find it hard, but I'll act it out. How does that sound?

I'm about the moving on part but I would never go back with her because whatever caused her to want to break up is still in her brain. She'll never forget it. You very well might get her back but the relationship will never be as high as it once was. If she does come back, it won't be because she fell back in love but because she couldn't find anything out there and can't be alone. Not good. We tell guys, one chance, per woman, per lifetime.

 

So apart from any advice on my current situation, I would also like advice on what to do if she does come back because I am completely lost about that.

I would say just go with NC and move on to a new adventure. As far as I can tell, you didn't do anything heinous to her. You might have done better in some areas but I think you're dealing with a woman that fell out of love and once that happens you aren't going back. They don't fall back in love the way they once did. If you can put up with a woman that is half interested the rest of your life, then she might be the one for you. I think you sound like a pretty good guy that deserves a woman that will be fully all about you and you won't get that with her.

Thanks all for your replies, they are really helping

I hope you heal from this and then find a good woman......I don't see any reason why you won't be able to....you do sound like a good guy

[Cuchara2]

Hhhhhmm, well I'll totally agree with you, I can't really see something that I did wrong that was REALLY bad such as have sex with her best friend or something along those lines. If I had done then I would understand it and this would be so much easier. This is what I am confused about.

 

For that reason I actually believe legitimately wants time alone, which is also good for me to improve myself and when she realises I wasn't the crappy boyfriend she thought I was she'll change her mind. I dunno if I'd accept at that point though but I'd have a long conversation with her and discuss everything and see what comes out of it.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Well, I've offered up all the advice I can on the matter. I think you are dealing with someone that has low interest level and if you get her back, it won't be good for you long term.

 

However, only you can live with what you can live with. I stand by my statement that you seem like a good guy that deserves a good situation. I don't think she'll ever represent that good situation for you again but that's your call.

 

I wish you well.

[Cuchara2]

Thanks for all the help I'll keep your ideas in mind, I just can't 100% believe what you're saying since I haven't lived it myself so I guess this is good for me either:

a) I get her back and hopefully have a good relationship

b) I don't and I come out of it having had a great relationship and will know how to handle myself better next time

c) I get with her then it is completely **** and realise I should have never taken her back.

[Jeff M Stevens]

No matter what, I wish you well. I hope you get past the pain you're in now.

[lucylove]

do not play games. tell her honestly and sincerely how you feel. do not indulge any dramatics here but do allow your true sentiment to reveal itself. let it be natural, in other words. completely natural. you are doing yourself no favors with this so called, "no contact" which is really not "no contact" but rather, "mind games etc." you are still speaking. you are not avoiding communication too much.

you cannot inspire feelings that are not already present at this point by playing unavailable. that is a challenge for some women, in the beginning. later it says, "i know you well, and everything about you is not good enough." this attitude will only provoke the affections of very insecure women, at best, especially in the context of a relationship that has already been. yes, desperation is unattractive but so is unavailability and an appetite for other women. the happy medium of your true self would work best to bring out the reality of how she feels for you. be you and say what you feel. if she cares a thing for you she will reciprocate in a very clear way. if she doesn't then she doesn't care and never would have to begin with so you just save yourself wasted time and heartache. if you think she is being coy let her know, "hey do you want me or not? i don't have time to guess." don't engage in, or introduce games. clear the air. make it or break it. life is not enjoyed in a state of limbo.