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Where is the line between good friends opposite sex and emotional cheating?

chelle21689

By chelle21689
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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chelle21689 Established Member

chelle21689

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Is it a very very thin line? Some people consider watching porn, dirty talking, having crushes, spending time alone with the opposite sex is cheating. Some people say if it's not a secret then it's not cheating...so if you tell your wife/husband that you have a crush on someone that you sometimes find yourself finding a way to talk to them at work...it's not cheating anymore? I'm confused now...

 

I really love my bf of 5 years and haven't fallen in love with anyone but him since. Anyways, I've been thinking today about emotional cheating after reading several articles and now I'm questioning if I have emotionally cheated on him before?

 

I had a friend a couple years ago that I was attracted to. I thought he was cute, and we had the best conversations ever. I really enjoyed his company, but we never crossed the line and we both didn't want to b/c we had significant others. And our conversations weren't inappropriate. We even tried to go on double dates. My bf knew about my friend, he knew when we would hang out. I didn't lie to him about anything. Of course my bf was jealous but it didn't damage our relationship. (I'm the very jealous type by the way lol).

 

Did I emotionally cheat if I found the guy attractive and continued to be friends with him? I honestly wasn't trying to get anything romantic out of it...we remained good friends for a year. I never once wanted to leave my bf for him. But does it still count as emotional cheating??

flutterbya Member

flutterbya

Posted
Posted
Is it a very very thin line? Some people consider watching porn, dirty talking, having crushes, spending time alone with the opposite sex is cheating. Some people say if it's not a secret then it's not cheating...so if you tell your wife/husband that you have a crush on someone that you sometimes find yourself finding a way to talk to them at work...it's not cheating anymore? I'm confused now...

 

I really love my bf of 5 years and haven't fallen in love with anyone but him since. Anyways, I've been thinking today about emotional cheating after reading several articles and now I'm questioning if I have emotionally cheated on him before?

 

I had a friend a couple years ago that I was attracted to. I thought he was cute, and we had the best conversations ever. I really enjoyed his company, but we never crossed the line and we both didn't want to b/c we had significant others. And our conversations weren't inappropriate. We even tried to go on double dates. My bf knew about my friend, he knew when we would hang out. I didn't lie to him about anything. Of course my bf was jealous but it didn't damage our relationship. (I'm the very jealous type by the way lol).

 

Did I emotionally cheat if I found the guy attractive and continued to be friends with him? I honestly wasn't trying to get anything romantic out of it...we remained good friends for a year. I never once wanted to leave my bf for him. But does it still count as emotional cheating??

 

 

 

well my opinion of an emotional affair involves deception and secrecy. The"friendship" is usually kept quiet and away from the SO and all forms of communication are also...it also involves leaning emotionally on that person other than the SO and investing in that person what should be given to your partner.

 

It doesn't sound like to me that you had an emotional affair. Attraction is not an emotional affair. It sounds like you had a little crush or maybe just lust...lol...I don't know but it doesn't have the earmarks of an EA. My boyfriend had one early on in our relationship so I am familiar with these things...

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chelle21689 Established Member

chelle21689

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Thanks flutterbya, I guess you're right although starting a friendship with someone that you find attractive was a big mistake on my part because you gotta be careful.

Stung Established Member

Stung

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Feeling attracted to someone you happen to be friends with is not an emotional affair in and of itself, no. But striking up a friendship with somebody because you are attracted to them, that's crossing a line. And continuing a close friendship with someone even though it makes your boyfriend jealous is getting into a gray area--you are of course allowed your own friends, but should also be taking your SO's comfort seriously.

 

As you say your friendship didn't include touching or inappropriate conversation, which is good as those are the most obvious no no's--but how often did your conversations get really personal? Did you ever lean on him for emotional support, or share with him details of your own relationship? Did you ever do those things even after you knew your SO was feeling jealous of your friendship? Did you have sexual, romantic, 'what-if' thoughts about your friend that you never openly acknowledged because you knew you would never act on them?

 

It sounds like your friendship could have been kind of a gray area, not an obvious full-on EA but very possibly fudging some lines. It's hard to tell from your post just what was going on, honestly. My husband and I both have innocent opposite-sex friendships with physically attractive people and it's not a problem, but I know if my husband suddenly made friends with a new woman he specifically was attracted to and spent a lot of time with her having meaningful personal conversations and telling her details of our relationship, and he continued to spend time with this woman after I told him I was uncomfortable with it, all kinds of crazy bat-signals would be going off and I would be pretty unhappy about it.

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me Established Member

She's_NotInLove_w/Me

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OP, I think that an excellent way for you to figure out your level of guilt and/or innocence would be this:

- picture your bf doing those exact things you are questioning with a female friend of his... If you are honest with yourself and not trying to justify your behaviors, I think you know what your answer will be.

 

None of us is perfect, but I think it should genuinely be your goal to be the best partner that you can be. If you feel the need to asses and ask the above questions then you are having some level of feelings for the OM. Think this through and approach it for a more level headed point of view. Forget about the OM unless you wish to jeopardize your relationship with your BF. Payback is rough…

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

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Emotional cheating is when you do something with another person that you would not do openly in front of your partner. It's a relationship with a member of the opposite sex where you wouldn't feel comfortable with your spouse knowing all the details.

 

It's not chatting about innocuous subjects with a member of the opposite sex, it's when you are sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, and problems with your "friend" instead of your partner. Therefore you are sharing more with your "friend" than you are with your partner.

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chelle21689 Established Member

chelle21689

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Ok let me play devil's advocate here. What if I was bisexual? I mean, having friends of all genders could easily make me attracted to them if I liked both sexes. But I mean, that's what you do with a friend right? Share with them you problems and everything?

 

 

I understand but this was a point someone brought up before to me.

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chelle21689 Established Member

chelle21689

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Like I said it wasn't a bright idea for me to do that. I hope I make better choices in the future lol

 

By the way, I had another guy friend that I talked about my relationship with. It was completely platonic though. It was kind of odd because he was good-looking but I wasn't attracted to him in a way of romantic feelings at all but more like a brotherly kind of love. He has a fiance and I actually talk to her more than him now. But I did share a lot of personal conversations with him. But then again, I do it with a lot of people...share my feelings no matter who LOL so I don't know about the whole "emotional" support thing..?

I had another friend that I talk to often, he's a guy. I'm not attracted to him at all, he's a very odd person. But his odd personality is what makes the conversations interesting. I talk to him a lot about my relationship and get advice...very good advice. I feel like he's kind of a psychiatrist but of course I make my own decisions at the end of the day. I've known him for years.

 

So there we go again with the sharing emotional support with the opposite sex. (pointing out guy friends not my girl friends or sisters)

Edited by chelle21689
Stung Established Member

Stung

Posted
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Ok let me play devil's advocate here. What if I was bisexual? I mean, having friends of all genders could easily make me attracted to them if I liked both sexes. But I mean, that's what you do with a friend right? Share with them you problems and everything?

 

 

I understand but this was a point someone brought up before to me.

 

I AM bisexual, although I have a preference for men I have been attracted to, dated and slept with women. I would consider myself on very shaky ground if I befriended a woman because I was attracted to her and then spent a lot of private time with her having personal conversations including conversations about my relationship, and I would respect my husband's feelings if he felt jealous about this quasi-'friendship,' knowing that he had some reason to be.

Westy Member

Westy

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I will never date a girl that has a male friend(s) that involves them doing things without me.

 

Thats what I am for. I was in a 7 year long relationship that recently ended.

 

Her only male friends (to my knowledge) were her female friends boyfriends, in the same manner I would consider my friends girlfriends my friends. I do have female aquiantances, but I would have never crossed that line and hang out with them on my own.

 

Its a shifty thing, but the potential for a "more than friends" relationship exists. or a drunken accident.

CLC2008 Established Member

CLC2008

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The line in my view, would be if my feelings crossed over to a romantic attraction towards a friend of the opposite sex, and I continued to pursue and/or welcome it.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Did I emotionally cheat if I found the guy attractive and continued to be friends with him? I honestly wasn't trying to get anything romantic out of it...we remained good friends for a year. I never once wanted to leave my bf for him. But does it still count as emotional cheating??

 

*If* your interactions engaged the appropriate boundaries of friendship and you didn't engage in sexual conversations, flirting, and/or conversations about your respective relationships in a way which minimized them and focused on your 'friendship' with each other, I doubt the interactions were 'cheating'. There's a marked difference between 'attraction' and 'love'. We meet many people whom we find 'attractive'. Only time and intimacy builds 'love'. By having appropriate boundaries, the 'love' remains directed and prioritized to the primary relationships, that being the respective SO/marital partner.

 

I've diffused these types of situations a couple times since separating from my wife/stbx. As a result of my own EA, where 'love' was definitely involved, and examining that love and healthy boundaries with MC gave me clear guidelines which I find to be quite healthy and positive. I've posted about particular examples in past threads on LS. The results are that the friendships continue and the primary relationships get their proper respect and prioritization.

 

In your own circumstances, it might be helpful to examine your own propensity and/or interest in this topic juxtaposed with your seeming jealousy of your SO's and their behaviors in relationships. Sometimes a SO can be a great mirror of learning; a reflection of who we are and what choices of life path we make. What does engagement in a behavior which you perhaps would be jealous of in a SO/spouse tell you about yourself? Good information, IMO. Good luck :)

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