How did MM manage to spend time with you?

[bohogirl]

My Ex and I both work in the same professional field (for the same multinational initially) and we have a great deal of autonomy in the way we manage our work.

 

It was probably easier to spend quality time when we were not working together. Crazy but true.

 

How we spent our time:

 

Lunch, dinner, night cap (sometimes dancing). Overnights 3/4 days a week.

 

Arrange meetings for mid morning so we did not have to go back to the office.

 

Pretends he is going to work but takes annual leave. Buys groceries and has my lunch ready when I decide to work from home later that same day.

 

Pretends he is going to work but calls in sick. I take annual leave. We would tend to drive to the country. We both love olde worlde pubs and historic homes. I also have a beach house on the coast.

 

Arrange client meetings in same cities or even countries and enjoy the downtime together.

 

He openly courted me and it would have continued if he had not lied to my face over something so trivial that he couldn't believe my reaction. Lying to others is not admirable. Lying to me is a dealbreaker. He forgot who he was talking to.

 

His wife knew all about me so I was not deceiving anyone. The relationship suited me until it didn't.

 

Now I am happy with someone else.

Edited September 20, 2010 by bohogirl

[BB07]

 

Now I am happy with someone else.

 

You must still be asking yourself questions about it and feeling some pain over it since you are posting here, right?

 

How long has it been over?

[greengoddess]

Bohogirl I just don't get it and I think you are really not being honest with yourself. One of your recurring themes is that his wife knew all about the affair but your first post sure does not make that clear. You outed him numerous times. If she knew all about you then why the need to out him to her? I think you need to honestly examine your situation. You would out him, she would dump his ass and then he would worm his way back in and that continued for ten years??? Is that the case? I just don't understand this cavilier posting style you have. Honestly I think you hit the anger phase and are trying not to also be angry with yourself so you have convinced yourself SHE KNEW. If she knew why was he out the door each time you outed him?

 

I wish he had just killed me....

instead of killing everything that I loved about myself.

 

Hello, first post so please bear with me.

 

I have been lurking for a while and tonight felt the urge to purge myself of

the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding onto.

 

Same old story. Decade long on/off relationship with MM. Promises to leave but confusion/timing/ my "pressure" led to inaction.

 

We finished recently when he told me (in anger) that the reason he would not leave his marriage right now was because "I was never content with the way things were". I took this to mean that I was supposed to be happy in my "mistress" role before he would consider divorce. Hell no.

 

I went ballistic. Emailed his wife immediately. But after an hour was fine. I went out with my girlfriends and had a ball. Subsequently, I made sure I kept busy and was doing great.

 

Tonight I am in despair. I cannot recall an obvious trigger but I keep ruminating that I allowed this man to waste my time. I cannot move beyond his cruelty to me and his spouse. It is cruelty to play with someone's emotions and tell them lies just to keep your life intact.

 

Before anyone starts jumping up and down about my belated concern for his spouse. I have outed him/the relationship several times over the years to her. She has kicked him out each time and taken him back.

 

I know it was a horrible dynamic but I thought he had to love me to risk it all. I was terribly young and naive when the relationship started. I now know he risked nothing.

 

He was punishing her and using me. I do not feel grounded right now. Very

weak. I pity him but more than that I pity myself. I was a fool to trust some who only cared about himself.

 

Is such a delayed reaction normal? How do I control my emotions so that

he does not win. I cannot let him destroy me.

[greengoddess]

If she knew about you why did he have to lie to his wife?

 

You are both so right, thank you.

 

That moment when the scales fall away cannot be described. It is more than disbelief. Even shell shock does not cover it. Being accused of ruining things because I was never "content" to be with him while he was lying to his wife was a sucker punch. Not because it was said but because at that moment i knew he was telling the truth.

[bohogirl]

It has been a while since I felt like venting.

 

I simply find this site fascinating and while my supper is being prepared by my beloved:love: I am here.

 

I did not realise this forum was only for those that are still feeling angst over being an OW (without their knowledge:)) several years after the fact)

 

If I can share my experiences or find out more about the affair mentality my time here is not wasted.

 

I dumped my X this year. I don't fall for his fishing and have a new man. Life goes on. I am still relatively young i.e. I can still have children, change careers and have plenty of years god willing until retirement!. That can be with a man or not. I am very capable of looking after myself.

[donnamaybe]

Wow. Now THAT is quite a difference. From a post about how a MM lied to his OW who then felt duped and full of self pity because she allowed him to waste 10 years of her life to the opening post of THIS thread. Two COMPLETELY different tales.

 

You know, OP, you really should stop trying to lash out at the BS's here. That man's W is NOT the one who did this to you. HE did. Now you're trying to paint him as this wonderful man who made you lunch and took drives to the country with you and all. You should be ANGRY at him and hate what he did to you, not extolling his virtues and telling tales about all the wonderful things he did for you in some attempt to take digs at people whose H's have cheated on them.

 

It's so not healthy.

[greengoddess]

The many times I outed my ex was simply to make him tell his wife about me. Yes, I really am that full on.

 

Hmmm so what is the purpose of everytime you post saying that his wife knew about you. I honestly don't get it and it makes me wonder how honest your posts are.

[greengoddess]

It has been a while since I felt like venting.

 

I simply find this site fascinating and while my supper is being prepared by my beloved:love: I am here.

 

I did not realise this forum was only for those that are still feeling angst over being an OW (without their knowledge:)) several years after the fact)

 

If I can share my experiences or find out more about the affair mentality my time here is not wasted.

 

I dumped my X this year. I don't fall for his fishing and have a new man. Life goes on. I am still relatively young i.e. I can still have children, change careers and have plenty of years god willing until retirement!. That can be with a man or not. I am very capable of looking after myself.

 

Just make sure you have a really good obgyn. One that deals in high risk pregnancies. Women in their 40's need special tests done but very often have healthy beautiful children. Good luck to you.

[Mimolicious]

My Ex and I both work in the same professional field (for the same multinational initially) and we have a great deal of autonomy in the way we manage our work.

 

It was probably easier to spend quality time when we were not working together. Crazy but true.

 

How we spent our time:

 

Lunch, dinner, night cap (sometimes dancing). Overnights 3/4 days a week.

 

Arrange meetings for mid morning so we did not have to go back to the office.

 

Pretends he is going to work but takes annual leave. Buys groceries and has my lunch ready when I decide to work from home later that same day.

 

Pretends he is going to work but calls in sick. I take annual leave. We would tend to drive to the country. We both love olde worlde pubs and historic homes. I also have a beach house on the coast.

 

Arrange client meetings in same cities or even countries and enjoy the downtime together.

 

He openly courted me and it would have continued if he had not lied to my face over something so trivial that he couldn't believe my reaction. Lying to others is not admirable. Lying to me is a dealbreaker. He forgot who he was talking to.

 

His wife knew all about me so I was not deceiving anyone. The relationship suited me until it didn't.

 

Now I am happy with someone else.

 

Reeeally? Does your "someone else" now all the time you spend on LS talking about your past R with a MM? Does he know all the energy that you still pour into the "should have", "could have", "wasted my time", etc?

 

How happy are you? Really.

 

Everything else above- I am sorry, do you deserve a medal for putting so much effort into conducting an A? If your R with MM was sooooo out on the open, then why all the arranging, pretending, sick days, annual leaves?

 

Lying to others not admirable but lying to you is a dealbreaker? :lmao: Lying is lying! Not more or less f'ed up depending on who you lie to. Since when does lying have degrees of severity depeding on who is the lie told to? You're kidding right? You honestly think that him lying to you was more severe than lying to his W? Why?

 

He forgot who he was talking to? Was it God he was talking to?

 

You were not deceiving his wife, you are not M to her. He is, so he's deceiving her. Sounds a bit off...

 

The relationship suited him till you didn't.

 

Hone, seriously this MM did a number on you, yet your are still wasting energy on him. Try to get some therapy or perhaps tell your SO not to travel for business because it sets you on "depre" mode. There is something deep down inside you that still bothers you. Get help or put all your effort in leaving the past in the past.

 

Honestly, if you are so happy with your SO, being here is kinda sabotaging that R. Don't you think?

[BB07]

Boho, I think you are in pain and angry and you are denying it to yourself, it isn't healthy hon. You've got to own your feelings in order to move on.

 

Just come out with it and admit and stop the snide posts aimed toward the bs's. Have some compassion for yourself and others and realize and accept that you are NEVER going to understand why your mm did things the way he did and the BS, you've got to stop being judgmental about her, you may know a lot but yet you are assuming a lot, you don't walk in that woman's shoes. Your MM and yourself is where you need to direct your anger, not his wife.

[Mimolicious]

It has been a while since I felt like venting.

 

I simply find this site fascinating and while my supper is being prepared by my beloved:love: I am here.

 

I did not realise this forum was only for those that are still feeling angst over being an OW (without their knowledge:)) several years after the fact)

 

If I can share my experiences or find out more about the affair mentality my time here is not wasted.

 

I dumped my X this year. I don't fall for his fishing and have a new man. Life goes on. I am still relatively young i.e. I can still have children, change careers and have plenty of years god willing until retirement!. That can be with a man or not. I am very capable of looking after myself.

 

I also find it fascinating that while your sweetheart cooks for you, you are here talking about another man. Classic! Poor guy...

 

:lmao: Invite him over to the monitor and have him search your history of posts. I have a strong feeling that your supper will be CANCELLED!

 

Does your SO know your 411? Just wondering....

 

Hope you actually focus on your SO and appreciate him for all he is. Not waste your time and his dwelling on the past. It happens...

You don't have to be in a R or A with someone to yet waste your time on them or yet, have them waste your time (as some may say here).

[BB07]

And..........even though you are acting like a spoiled little drama queen, here is a hug, cause I think you need it.

[jthorne]

I also find it fascinating that while your sweetheart cooks for you, you are here talking about another man. Classic! Poor guy...

 

:lmao: Invite him over to the monitor and have him search your history of posts. I have a strong feeling that your supper will be CANCELLED!

 

Does your SO know your 411? Just wondering....

 

Hope you actually focus on your SO and appreciate him for all he is. Not waste your time and his dwelling on the past. It happens...

You don't have to be in a R or A with someone to yet waste your time on them or yet, have them waste your time (as some may say here).

Totally agree.

 

But something doesn't add up here.

[donnamaybe]

But something doesn't add up here.

You mean like the details of THIS thread v. the details in the first one?

[jthorne]

You mean like the details of THIS thread v. the details in the first one?

All of it really.

 

When I was posting a lot, I either wasn't in a R, or my honey was working long hours since summer is their busy season. If he was home, I was with spending quality time with him .

 

Yet, there's a couple of OW/xOW that say their guys are with them, but they are on LS a great deal of the time.

 

Maybe their R with LS is more important that the R with their guys?

 

 

And yes, the deatils of the OP's first thread v the last don't add up.

[herenow]

You mean like the details of THIS thread v. the details in the first one?

 

You have to admit, she is entertaining.

 

BTW those groceries were my left overs. Something you got for a decade boho (or should that be boohoo)

[jthorne]

You have to admit, she is entertaining.

 

BTW those groceries were my left overs. Something you got for a decade boho (or should that be boohoo)

The mention of the BS posting here bothers me. If I knew someone I had hurt posted here, I would have some class and go somewhere else.

[herenow]

The mention of the BS posting here bothers me. If I knew someone I had hurt posted here, I would have some class and go somewhere else.

 

Yes J, I agree, but honestly, I really don't take a person who changes their story so drastically at their word or seriously at all.

[ladydesigner]

Reeeally? Does your "someone else" now all the time you spend on LS talking about your past R with a MM? Does he know all the energy that you still pour into the "should have", "could have", "wasted my time", etc?

 

How happy are you? Really.

 

Everything else above- I am sorry, do you deserve a medal for putting so much effort into conducting an A? If your R with MM was sooooo out on the open, then why all the arranging, pretending, sick days, annual leaves?

 

Lying to others not admirable but lying to you is a dealbreaker? :lmao: Lying is lying! Not more or less f'ed up depending on who you lie to. Since when does lying have degrees of severity depeding on who is the lie told to? You're kidding right? You honestly think that him lying to you was more severe than lying to his W? Why?

 

He forgot who he was talking to? Was it God he was talking to?

 

You were not deceiving his wife, you are not M to her. He is, so he's deceiving her. Sounds a bit off...

 

The relationship suited him till you didn't.

 

Hone, seriously this MM did a number on you, yet your are still wasting energy on him. Try to get some therapy or perhaps tell your SO not to travel for business because it sets you on "depre" mode. There is something deep down inside you that still bothers you. Get help or put all your effort in leaving the past in the past.

 

Honestly, if you are so happy with your SO, being here is kinda sabotaging that R. Don't you think?

 

I agree with this. My XOM pulled the same s**t when he ended with me ( he was attached by the way so not a single other man and I am obviously the MOW). Anyways he told me upon ending this "Sorry sweetheart I am not a liar and that is exactly why I am not doing this anymore." I mean are you f**king kidding me:lmao: He already lied to his girlfriend by cheating on her.

 

Agreed a liar is a liar no matter who they are lying to.

[TinaniT]

You have to admit, she is entertaining.

 

BTW those groceries were my left overs. Something you got for a decade boho (or should that be boohoo)

 

I don't agree with everything boho posted and certainly do not have the time to analyze everything posted by everybody but sweet mother, this post is outright mean, malicious, and DISGUSTING.

[jthorne]

I don't agree with everything boho posted and certainly do not have the time to analyze everything posted by everybody but sweet mother, this post is outright mean, malicious, and DISGUSTING.

Huh? What's disgusting about it? Herenow knows the OP's story (as she tell it anyway). You admitted you don't.

[herenow]

I don't agree with everything boho posted and certainly do not have the time to analyze everything posted by everybody but sweet mother, this post is outright mean, malicious, and DISGUSTING.

 

and gloating about how a MM gets away from his wife to see his OW is admirable? In my world that is all the things you said above. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.

[TinaniT]

Huh? What's disgusting about it? Herenow knows the OP's story (as she tell it anyway). You admitted you don't.

 

Your claim is that boho is still hurting, correct?

 

I saw another thread in the vein of the apparently du jour activity of attacking boho specifically, (I do not know her motivations for some threads, but I have not seen her attacking specific posters as she has received at least) that she was with her MM for ten years.

 

Proceeding to tell her that all she ever got was leftovers like it is highly amusing...

And I need to explain what is disgusting about that? Not sure what to say if that is even required for a person to understand.

[donnamaybe]

Go read around LS and check out all these threads that have been started. Any time anyone disagrees with the premise of the thread, they are verbally attacked and an attempt to belittle is made. AND the threads are quite clearly designed to belittle any BS who might read them.

[TinaniT]

and gloating about how a MM gets away from his wife to see his OW is admirable? In my world that is all the things you said above. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

 

I suppose I failed to see that she was gloating. If that was her motivation than it is hers to examine and rectify, but I just don't see the outright maliciousness. It was a question. It requested information. It did not even claim anything about BS's in general (she didn't call them naive or stupid or anything because their husbands snuck out on them; in that case I may see your point a little more), she just asked how it worked out, which may be a perfectly applicable question in an OW board because it is a relationship where presumably one partner has serious time constraints. I was surprised at the jump to attacking here. I would more expect either answers, or if the question seems unuseful or invalid, letting it drop to the bottom. If her motivations are as you claim (I cannot say), I'd imagine the furor is satisfactory to her and provokes more posts. *shrug*

 

I am not here too much but as I've been here today, I've been seeing a lot of personal attacks. I couldn't not say something. I don't have anything against any particular poster, or in favor of a particular poster, but the personal attacks period unnerve me.