Showing too much interest vs showing too little interest.

[luvtoto]

Is there some magical fine line between showing a new guy too much interest and showing too little interest?! I'm looking for a balance between the two evils.

 

Have had problems with this balance in the past. You'd think it would be easy to figure out. But, it's not.

[waynebrady]

Showing as much intrest as the guy does in you is the best IMO.

[Cee]

Express interest at reasonable times and in reasonable amounts. Think in terms of reciprocation. Are you getting back what you are putting out?

 

I used to be a very affectionate person. I was like lichen on a tree. To be honest these guys seemed to melt in it & all my boyfriends became very affectionate.

 

Then, I got it my head that affection was needy and I'm not affectionate at all. I think it has created distance and men have not been interested. I'm trying to be more affectionate b/c I believe more affection is better.

 

I was watching a young couple in love on the beach. In the span of 10 minutes, they hugged, held hands, kissed, and then kissed and held hands some more. I watched the guy go swimming in the ocean while his girlfriend stood and watched. Every few minutes he's stop and look back at her. People in love can't keep their hands and eyes off each other.

 

One thing I have learned over the years is a lot of guys don't like compliments unless they are thoughtful and reasonable (to them). One boyfriend would never like a comment on his physical appearance, but he liked it when I praised his musical ability.

 

I have closed my heart to love for several years. And I am beginning to weigh on the side of taking a risk and be attentive. Of course, if the guy is a douchebag, I'd find the nearest exit and run.

[a_woman]

Express interest at reasonable times and in reasonable amounts. Think in terms of reciprocation. Are you getting back what you are putting out?

 

I used to be a very affectionate person. I was like lichen on a tree. To be honest these guys seemed to melt in it & all my boyfriends became very affectionate.

 

Then, I got it my head that affection was needy and I'm not affectionate at all. I think it has created distance and men have not been interested. I'm trying to be more affectionate b/c I believe more affection is better.

 

I was watching a young couple in love on the beach. In the span of 10 minutes, they hugged, held hands, kissed, and then kissed and held hands some more. I watched the guy go swimming in the ocean while his girlfriend stood and watched. Every few minutes he's stop and look back at her. People in love can't keep their hands and eyes off each other.

 

One thing I have learned over the years is a lot of guys don't like compliments unless they are thoughtful and reasonable (to them). One boyfriend would never like a comment on his physical appearance, but he liked it when I praised his musical ability.

 

I have closed my heart to love for several years. And I am beginning to weigh on the side of taking a risk and be attentive. Of course, if the guy is a douchebag, I'd find the nearest exit and run.

 

This is a good post. I'm not very affectionate by nature but I conciously try to be.

[luvtoto]

Showing as much interest as the guy does in you is the best IMO.

Well then, we would never get anywhere.

 

The only affection he shows me is when I'm on the back of his Harley, and he pats my leg or holds my hand on his chest while riding. It is actually really sweet, but that's where it ends.

 

I have a strict NO NAGGING rule when I date men, because I'm an upbeat, positive lady. When I do chat with him, he's right there with no hesitation.

 

So, how can I tell him I want balance with the *interest showing* without making him feel defensive?

Edited September 20, 2010 by luvtoto

[luvtoto]

Cee, nice 'young couple on the beach' story. I enjoyed it, and it made me miss being in love.

 

A woman, thank you for your reply, also. Yes, Cee's reply was very good.

[USMCHokie]

How about this...show exactly how much affection and interest you want to show to a guy...and find a guy that appreciates and reciprocates that level of affection and interest to you...I think they call that...oh yea, compatibility...

[Cee]

Well then, we would never get anywhere.

 

The only affection he shows me is when I'm on the back of his Harley, and he pats my leg or holds my hand on his chest while riding. It is actually really sweet, but that's where it ends.

 

I have a strict NO NAGGING rule when I date men, because I'm an upbeat, positive lady. When I do chat with him, he's right there with no hesitation.

 

So, how can I tell him I want balance with the *interest showing* without making him feel defensive?

 

It sounds like you'll be more affectionate than your Harley riding guy. See how he likes it if you hug him, hold his hand, put your head on his shoulder, etc. I get a lot of pleasure out of giving affection because I'm not always articulate about expressing my feelings. I prefer to show it than say it.

 

On a side note, I got a kick out of the couple on the beach. It was adorable. I feel a little weird kissing in public because I'm 40, but I still feel entitled to a little PDA. In moderate doses.

 

I'm scared of being affectionate with a guy I've started dating. I think it's odd that I'm fine with the thought of getting nekkid with him, but I'm nervous about holding his hand. Is that strange to fear affection more than sex?

[luvtoto]

How about this...show exactly how much affection and interest you want to show to a guy...and find a guy that appreciates and reciprocates that level of affection and interest to you...I think they call that...oh yea, compatibility...

Don't judge me USMChokie. lol! Match.com is giving us a 100% compatibility match, okay!? We have some mad chemistry.

 

Just feel that putting all my "affection" cards on the table right away isn't that much fun for me. It's just too risky.

[luvtoto]

I'm scared of being affectionate with a guy I've started dating. I think it's odd that I'm fine with the thought of getting nekkid with him, but I'm nervous about holding his hand. Is that strange to fear affection more than sex?

I agree with you completely!!

[USMCHokie]

Don't judge me USMChokie. lol! Match.com is giving us a 100% compatibility match, okay!? We have some mad chemistry.

 

Just feel that putting all my "affection" cards on the table right away isn't that much fun for me. It's just too risky.

 

So you'd rather fake who you are from the beginning with the chance that you later find out that this guy is not as affectionate as you...so you live out your relationship either being uncomfortable around him or not being able to be as affectionate as you'd like to be... I'd rather know sooner than later if I'm not going to be compatible with someone...but to each their own...

 

And online "compatibility" doesn't mean sh*t...it's the real life compatibility that counts...

[Cee]

I thought I was the only one who thought being affectionate was "moving too fast." But I'm sick of being appropriate on my dates. I want to wrap my arms around his torso and give him a squeeze. He is very tall and a little heavy set. I think he'd be fun to hug.

 

But I'm so scared.

[USMCHokie]

I thought I was the only one who thought being affectionate was "moving too fast." But I'm sick of being appropriate on my dates. I want to wrap my arms around his torso and give him a squeeze. He is very tall and a little heavy set. I think he'd be fun to hug.

 

But I'm so scared.

 

And what the heck is wrong with that? If he's into affectionate gestures, he will be pleasantly surprised and feel more comfortable being affectionate right back at you...so why p*ssyfoot around...? If he's not into affection like you are, then you'll know and you can...say it with me...LAUNCH...

 

I am personally into all the affectionate stuff, so I'll take a girl's hand early on, even if we're not super serious...if she likes it, then great, but if she doesn't, then so be it...good day...

[CD111]

I have not managed to figure out the correct balance either. I don't enjoy playing games and feel much more comfortable with the other person knowing how I feel and what my intentions are; however, that has definitely turned a few men off. So I usually back off with the next guy and am more distant...but that doesn't work well either. All I know is that I am terrible at this....lol.

 

Sorry wish I had some better words of wisdom; however, all I have contributed are words of sympathy...

[luvtoto]

So you'd rather fake who you are from the beginning with the chance that you later find out that this guy is not as affectionate as you...so you live out your relationship either being uncomfortable around him or not being able to be as affectionate as you'd like to be... I'd rather know sooner than later if I'm not going to be compatible with someone...but to each their own...

 

And online "compatibility" doesn't mean sh*t...it's the real life compatibility that counts...

Yes, I'm not an idiot. lol! I was joking about the match.com remark. You're a serious fella, aren't you?

 

Ok, Mr. Smartie pants, please explain to me why the hell I am always drawn to the un-affectionate men?! When I date an affectionate guy, I feel smothered!! So, I go for the un-affectionate ones.

 

If I had to choose right now if I would want an affectionate guy or an un-affectionate guy, I would choose the later.

 

All I'm saying is that I have had NO luck finding a happy moderately affectionate guy.

 

But, I guess I'll just dump him and find someone else to be happier with.

 

Btw, there really IS someone out there that is completely compatible with me? Really?!?!?! Have never experienced that type of connection before.

[luvtoto]

I have not managed to figure out the correct balance either. I don't enjoy playing games and feel much more comfortable with the other person knowing how I feel and what my intentions are; however, that has definitely turned a few men off. So I usually back off with the next guy and am more distant...but that doesn't work well either. All I know is that I am terrible at this....lol.

 

Sorry wish I had some better words of wisdom; however, all I have contributed are words of sympathy...

THANK YOU, CD111! Your post made me feel a bit more normal!

[USMCHokie]

Yes, I'm not an idiot. lol! I was joking about the match.com remark. You're a serious fella, aren't you?

 

Not usually...unfortunately, my sarcasm meter broke as I came out of the uterus...so I will dish the sarcasm out like nobody's business, but when it comes back at me, I'm clueless and treat it like you're completely serious...

 

 

Ok, Mr. Smartie pants, please explain to me why the hell I am always drawn to the un-affectionate men?! When I date an affectionate guy, I feel smothered!! So, I go for the un-affectionate ones.

 

Because you're f'in nuts. Seriously. You go after something you supposedly "don't want" and when you get it, you complain about why he isn't the way you want...

 

 

All I'm saying is that I have had NO luck finding a happy moderately affectionate guy.

 

"If I had to choose right now if I would want an affectionate guy or an un-affectionate guy, I would choose the later."

 

 

Btw, there really IS someone out there that is completely compatible with me? Really?!?!?! Have never experienced that type of connection before.

 

"If I had to choose right now if I would want an affectionate guy or an un-affectionate guy, I would choose the later."

[luvtoto]

I'm actually too scared to be with someone compatible. Yep, there I said it. It's out there for all the world to see.

 

Compatibility equals boredom to me.

[USMCHokie]

I'm actually too scared to be with someone compatible. Yep, there I said it. It's out there for all the world to see.

 

Compatibility equals boredom to me.

 

There's nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you find guys who have similar mindsets and aren't looking to be in long term relationships, but rather be in it for fun.

[Cee]

And what the heck is wrong with that? If he's into affectionate gestures, he will be pleasantly surprised and feel more comfortable being affectionate right back at you...so why p*ssyfoot around...? If he's not into affection like you are, then you'll know and you can...say it with me...LAUNCH...

 

I am personally into all the affectionate stuff, so I'll take a girl's hand early on, even if we're not super serious...if she likes it, then great, but if she doesn't, then so be it...good day...

 

I don't think the guy will reject affection. On our last date, we were out at a music thing & there was dancing. We ended up holding hands for a moment & stealing a few kisses in public. It was quite nice, but for me, holding hands is an expression of caring and intimacy. And I cannot really care about somebody after a few dates.

 

I am quite cautious with affection because it shows vulnerability. In the past 6 years, I haven't had a boyfriend. I've had some recreational sex, but I haven't cuddled with someone in 6 years. Well, there was one guy from a year ago, but he stopped calling so it's hard to think fondly of that.

 

I guess I'm making affection too symbolic of caring and intimacy. I suppose I could get my cuddle on & if the relationship tanks, then that's okay.

[luvtoto]

There's nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you find guys who have similar mindsets and aren't looking to be in long term relationships, but rather be in it for fun.

How do I find that out? Ask him? The only thing he's ever said was, "Don't get married." He was joking around when he said it. But, then I agreed with him.

 

Let me just say, I have never seen a guy look more confused in my life.

 

It's like he has backed off a bit since.

 

He told me that all the women he usually dates wants a commitment from him and that scares him off...then sometimes they turn into stalkers...blahblahblah. He just point blank told me that on our first date. He's a 47 yr old guy who's never been married, duh.

 

Now, he finds a woman (me!) that isn't gonna pressure him about it, and he's suddenly turns into a puzzle of confusion and less affectionate.

 

Somebody please tell me what just happened!!

 

I flippin' AGREE with him! You'd think he'd feel more comfortable around me.

 

Just wanna have some fun, and ride on his Harley some more!!!

[luvtoto]

So, someone please tell me how to have the "just want to have some fun" conversation with him. What should I say? how should I say it?

[CD111]

Easy! Just be as straight forward as possible. Ask him what his intentions are for the relationship or what kind of relationship he is looking for. Or you can just tell him what kind or relationship you are looking for and maybe why, then set some boundaries.