lizzibeth Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I’m new here and I’ve been reading some of the previous posts. I so hope I can get some of that same good advice L My BF and I met playing an online game about a year ago. We live in separate countries. He’s visited me here in the states three times and while there are plans for him to eventually move here, we’re both trying to remain patient and fill in the distance with as many visits as we can afford. I have a child which makes it more difficult for me to get to him but he’s incredibly understanding about that. Over the past three or so months, we’ve started to bicker about things that in the big picture really don’t matter. We fight about the stupid game we met playing, about the things that happen there and it feels like we never agree on anything anymore. There have been no major problems. I feel secure that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I still love him and want to be with him. BUT….. I don’t feel the same way about him as I once did. I always felt like I could talk to him about anything and he would always be supportive of me, regardless if he agreed with me or not. I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel like he’ll always have my back. When we fight, he has become colder and I know I’ve become the same way. I find myself avoiding talking to him because I don’t want to bicker anymore. I find when he is sweet with me, I’m less open to be sweet back because I’m angry with him over something we fought about the day (or two) before. This weekend I even told him that maybe I needed to stop being available for him to talk to so he could actually miss me. I’ve thought about just taking a week and not emailing or calling or anything. I don’t know if it will help and frankly, I don’t know if the ‘break’ would be to make him miss me or for me to miss him. I’m just really sick of always fighting and always feeling so hostile over small, silly things. He says he doesn't feel the same way, but I'm not sure how he can't feel it. Why do small things seem gigantic when he's not here? If he were here these things would be laughable at best.
Omei Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I am the same, met online game, different country's, 1 child. We still play the game and sometimes we also get caught up in the game with something like PvP who did what right, i always find that leaving the pc for 10 min or so calms us after a while and we always get like lets not fight about the game, try taking breaks from the game if it gets like that. I don’t feel the same way about him as I once did. I always felt like I could talk to him about anything and he would always be supportive of me, regardless if he agreed with me or not. I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel like he’ll always have my back. When we fight, he has become colder and I know I’ve become the same way. I find myself avoiding talking to him because I don’t want to bicker anymore. I think this is a phase, I went through the same thing if you fight too much you start feeling bad and having bad thoughts about your relationship, Change it. Get back to where you were before, don't ask him but maybe you yourself should make more of an effort to not fight, when you start to bicker blow it off your shoulder. My bf does this wonderful thing where he says "We're fighting lets just stop be happy and in love again!" when I see that I instantly feel guilty we are fighting about something so stupid in the first place, try it on him maybe you will see a change in both your feelings. This weekend I even told him that maybe I needed to stop being available for him to talk to so he could actually miss me. I don't think you need to take a week break that doesn't solve anything while you guys might come back together missing each other and being all happy for a while will it last? You have to learn not to bicker while its happening, breaks are only a temporary solution. But a break might be good too maybe you're fighting because you spend too much time together? Most likely you will find yourself caving in sooner and missing him more when hes not come to you with "I miss you" as fast as you thought. I don't find that this ever works on men. Why do small things seem gigantic when he's not here? That might be added by the stress of the distance, not going to accuse here but think back on your fights you might of been more sensitive at the time turning it into a larger fight, I know sometimes when I am feeling down about the distance I can get touchy with my bf.
Author lizzibeth Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Thanks for the quick response I know I'm far more sensitive these days than I have been in the past. I KNOW that I'm far more quick to react to things than I would've been 3 months ago. I'm not at all innocent and sometimes I feel like I'm the one with the problem. He's quite content to go on like everything is just fine, which only serves to make me more angry. Things aren't fine. We can't go a day it seems without something making one or the other or the both of us mad. It's making me feel very disconnected from him and I hate this feeling. I know if I changed my reaction to him and showered him with sweet messages and the like that things would be ok, for a day or two. I just feel like it won't last, something is going to happen to cause this drift again. It's even crossing into my security in the relationship. I've always been very comfortable with him talking to and having female friends. I've always been very secure. Now if he even goes off and plays our stupid game with some girl, I find myself wondering what's going on. I'm fairly certain that 80% of the problem is me. As I said, he seems to be perfectly content to bicker and move on, where I tend to hold onto it for days. Maybe it's just a phase.
Omei Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Did you guys have a visit recently? I remember after that I was ultra sensitive and upset to the change when he left (stayed for 2 months) and we fought a bit because I got so upset about the distance for about 2 weeks and he couldn't handle much more of it and was starting to be less sympathetic then I started to feel like I couldn't talk to him anymore out of fear I would just annoy him more and was worried he didn't wanna deal with me and I knew it was all me. Then secrectly I started to panic about pushing him away and I would get paranoid about who he was talking to in the game too. Every bicker we had he assured me everything was fine but inside I was going crazy eventually I decided to stop obsessing and "force" myself to be positive and after time everything went back to normal like it was before the visit and there is no bickering now at all currently. Does any of this sound like you???? did you have a visit? To the girl playing in the game, you must play with guys too yes? My bf talks to girls in the game but he seems to have no interest in playing with them anymore and just plays with me and his guy buddys on it. I myself play with many male friends in the game but my bf knows who they are and is around also, maybe you should try and weasel your way into joining them with whatever they do in the game, perhaps your insecure feeling is making you put yourself out of the picture when you play?
folieadeux Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Sounds like the arguments you're having now are a symptom of not being able to spend time together in person at the moment.
LisaLee Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Sounds like the arguments you're having now are a symptom of not being able to spend time together in person at the moment. This weekend I even told him that maybe I needed to stop being available for him to talk to so he could actually miss me. I’ve thought about just taking a week and not emailing or calling or anything. I don’t know if it will help and frankly, I don’t know if the ‘break’ would be to make him miss me or for me to miss him. I’m just really sick of always fighting and always feeling so hostile over small, silly things. I agree. I also pull the "let's give skype and texting a break" card whenever I am especially frustrated about the distance. It NEVER helps, at least for me it doesn't. And in all honesty I may suggest it and then buckle 30 minutes later. Also, don't let in game tit for tats get to you. If you are running around with a guild and there are other gamers involved it is never good for relationships. SOOOO MANY LDR gamers come on here with their in game drama. MMOs can be relationship killers.
Omei Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) Also, don't let in game tit for tats get to you. If you are running around with a guild and there are other gamers involved it is never good for relationships. SOOOO MANY LDR gamers come on here with their in game drama. MMOs can be relationship killers. I understand what you're saying I have never had this problem tho lucky me, there is just way too much trust, mind you we play guildless and stick to a very small select group of friends, its mostly just me him and his family. I have and seen other relationships fall apart because they don't play together and one or the other plays too much and doesn't pay attention to their SO because they're so obsessed! (usually this happens to people that live together) I agree with you too LisaLee They can be killers you got to have some kind of in game boundaries I think to make it work if you're gonna play an online MMO together in a LDR. Edited September 21, 2010 by Omei
Author lizzibeth Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Yes, he was here in August. I felt so connected to him and he to me then. Now he's back home and you're right, I am so missing that connection. After reading your response, I almost feel like I've been acting like a spoiled child, holding my breath and stomping my feet. Our gaming has always been something we can do together. We are in the same guild and we do most everything together. We both have friends we go do stuff with. Now I kinda feel like I have bee overreacting out of frustration with the game and it being pretty much our only thing we can do together.
Omei Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Yes, he was here in August. I felt so connected to him and he to me then. Now he's back home and you're right, I am so missing that connection. After reading your response, I almost feel like I've been acting like a spoiled child, holding my breath and stomping my feet. Our gaming has always been something we can do together. We are in the same guild and we do most everything together. We both have friends we go do stuff with. Now I kinda feel like I have bee overreacting out of frustration with the game and it being pretty much our only thing we can do together. I knew it!!!! ;p Mine left in Aug as well and it was the first time we spent more than a week together (2 months) I went on a emotional roller coster which ended me up at this site looking for guidance I was wondering if it was "normal" Keep up a positive attitude try your best to calm yourself when you get upset people on here told me after time you get back into the hang of the distance again and it was true. Ya, don't get frustrated while playing the game with him I think its a great way of being together I know I love making my toon cuddle his toon and just going off together doing cute things...kinda like a date. Do you guys do this? What game do you play?
aerogurl87 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Ya, don't get frustrated while playing the game with him I think its a great way of being together I know I love making my toon cuddle his toon and just going off together doing cute things...kinda like a date. Do you guys do this? What game do you play? Lol, I was gonna say this. When I was with my ex, whom I met on Second Life, him and I used to have these little virtual dates where he'd search out a cool place for us to explore together. We went snorkeling, dancing, boating, and cuddled on the beach watching a sunrise. It was pretty neat and brought him and I closer together until we broke up. Incidentally the game helped to cause that along with some other issues. But anyway, yeah if you and him don't do stuff like that already maybe you should try it. It can make you feel closer to him even though he's far away at the moment.
Author lizzibeth Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 We play World of Warcraft. We used to always take a night to go level other toons when we weren't raiding. But lately it's just been raiding and we never spent any time together by ourselves. I mentioned this to him a few days ago and he's been fantastic about finding something for us to go do. I've been very upbeat with him since I read my first response and it's made a world of difference. We had a very good talk about how much we'd been bickering and what was causing it. I've a tendency to get mad over small things and just stew on them until I pop. So he told me to just tell him and I told him yesterday. Something small he said kinda rubbed me wrong, I told him immediately instead of sulking and getting mean with him for a few days. It really made a world of difference. He'll be back in November and I'm just counting the days down until he's back here. All of these lil (mostly game related silliness) problems are so small in the scope of things. There is an 18 hour time difference and we've made so many adjustments to just spend some time together when we can't be together. I want to continue to make the most of them.
Omei Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 We play World of Warcraft. We used to always take a night to go level other toons when we weren't raiding. But lately it's just been raiding and we never spent any time together by ourselves. I mentioned this to him a few days ago and he's been fantastic about finding something for us to go do. I've been very upbeat with him since I read my first response and it's made a world of difference. We had a very good talk about how much we'd been bickering and what was causing it. I've a tendency to get mad over small things and just stew on them until I pop. So he told me to just tell him and I told him yesterday. Something small he said kinda rubbed me wrong, I told him immediately instead of sulking and getting mean with him for a few days. It really made a world of difference. He'll be back in November and I'm just counting the days down until he's back here. All of these lil (mostly game related silliness) problems are so small in the scope of things. There is an 18 hour time difference and we've made so many adjustments to just spend some time together when we can't be together. I want to continue to make the most of them. Yeah we also play WoW im glad things are going better for you now.
Author lizzibeth Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 things went well...for about a week. Now we're back to the blow ups and fighting and I just can't take it anymore. The only thing we fight about is this God forsaken game. We used to do silly things like watch DVDs together and be on the phone or something. Even in game, we would go do things so that no one would bother us and we could just be. Now it's always something. He's gotta get his tokens for beerfest on every toon. He's gotta do his dailys on every toon. He's gotta do this or that or the other on that stupid game. I don't want all his time. I don't even want all his time in game. I just want a night or maybe even two (GOD FORBID) where it's just him and me and none of the stupid crap associated with that stupid game! I am beginning to think that the game is causing so many problems. I'm beginning to think that it's not what I had originally thought it to be - a way for us to spend time together with so many miles between us. I know that things will not always be perfect. I am old enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I just cannot have this every other day bickering and fighting picking at me. I take it really hard and I can't eat or sleep or focus. It's not the game that's making me lose sleep but it's certainly adding stress to a relationship that's stressful enough because we're so far away. I'm sorry. I'm just ranting.
aerogurl87 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 This is why I hate relationships that start out on online games. My ex started putting stupid SL ahead of "us" and I remember the last straw for me was when I had a nervous breakdown at work and he wouldn't even call me to see if I was ok because he was busy at "work" in the damn game. That ended the relationship for me in my head and I planned to go fly up to see him one last time, dump his a$$ at the airport, but it didn't happen because once again the stupid game screwed us over when he found someone else in game who put up with his behaviour because I wouldn't. I'd talk to him about his involvement in the game and how it makes you feel. If he can't see the devastating effects it's having then tell him maybe you two need to go separate ways. Being second to a game is no fun.
Author lizzibeth Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 This is why I hate relationships that start out on online games. My ex started putting stupid SL ahead of "us" and I remember the last straw for me was when I had a nervous breakdown at work and he wouldn't even call me to see if I was ok because he was busy at "work" in the damn game. That ended the relationship for me in my head and I planned to go fly up to see him one last time, dump his a$$ at the airport, but it didn't happen because once again the stupid game screwed us over when he found someone else in game who put up with his behaviour because I wouldn't. I'd talk to him about his involvement in the game and how it makes you feel. If he can't see the devastating effects it's having then tell him maybe you two need to go separate ways. Being second to a game is no fun. This is exactly how I feel. Over the weekend I had asked him something and he didn't respond. when I said "hello??" he said "I'm doing my beerfest stuff right now so give me a break, I've only got one more week to get this done". I wanted to scream at him that if he kept this crap up, we would be done. I told him this morning that I was taking a break from the game. I'm going to be travelling for work and will have less and less time. Frankly, it's become the enemy almost in my eyes these days anyway so that's no hardship on me. Now he's SAYING all the right things but he's said all this before. He tells me that I'm his priority. He tells me that he loves spending time with me. But he doesn't act like it when he's elbow deep in WoW everytime I talk to him.
aerogurl87 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Actions speak louder than words, that's all I have to say. If he's saying you're his main priority but his actions are saying otherwise, then you gotta go with his actions because they speak the truth.
Omei Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Hard for me to relate, me and my bf never have game troubles we're both into it just as much as the other BUT we also stop we take breaks like right now he has no game time and we've been chatting more and watching movies. If your man cares more about the game than you do, ether you have to join in just as much or its not going to work if hes addicted. Btw brewfest takes 2 min this year with the instant Q, Surely this isn't so bad. I still think you're going through distance withdrawal, maybe not. Ask yourself if you're including yourself enough in the game, when I was upset along time ago I would play and always be like 'No, I don't feel like doing that" and exclude myself of the activities making it seem like he was ignoring me when really it was me not participating. Does he still ask you to do stuff on the game? if he is hes not ignoring you. But pretty much if you guys are not into the game just as much as the other its going to cause problems. Do you really want a game to come between your love? Please analyse it very carefully before you end it over a game, is he truely ignoring you or are you just having distance madness and blaming it? Anyway if he does truely ignore you I am sorry. Good luck.
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