are the memories worth the pain?

[smk]

Are the memories & lessons learnt truly worth the pain that we have been through?

 

I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now. I have days where I think that both the memories and the lessons are worth the pain yet others where I wish I could turn back time to that first day and not put myself through everything I have been through.

 

Yes, this relationship has changed my life in some ways for the better and in some ways I am not sure. Lets dissect this a little further:

 

Ways it has changed my life for the better:

1) I learnt how to love and let another person into my life – I have had difficulty doing this since I was 10 years old I am 27 now.

2) It showed that there will be people out there who will come and make a profound difference in your life – only if you allow them.

3) I finally got round to dealing with my commitment and abandonment issues and started seeing a therapist.

4) It got me running again and back to the gym

5) It showed me that I wasn’t as perfect as I had thought I was and it showed me my weaknesses & strengths and to accept things for what they were.

6) It showed me to better read people, and that sometimes the things that we think are great truly aren’t.

 

Ways I am not sure:

1) I am not so sure that I will be able to fully trust another person again after what happened with her

2) I am not sure I will be able to give 100% in another relationship after the things that have happened in this one.

3) Even though I am doing things about my fear of abandonment I don’t think I will ever truly lose that fear after this.

4) I am truly afraid of letting someone else get that close to me again purely because of the fear of going through this pain again - even though I want to feel all those things again

 

I am 3 months and 1 week into the break – didn’t go NC until a little over a month ago – in that period though she phoned me once to tell me I had mail at her house – I asked her to leave it at the office (she works for a company I part own) and the second time I had to go to the office for a board meeting and she was present – I was civil and politely said hello and nothing else. Apart from that nothing else, I will admit I did have moments where I was tempted to break NC but then I think about some of the lies that were told towards the end of the relationship.

 

I also heard from a mutual friend who didn’t know about us, how she has been going out with random guys and apparently is either back with or screwing an ex of hers who dumped her 3 years ago… An ex she told me she would never get back with because of various reasons… an ex who I had a gut feeling she was cheating on me with (not physically but definitely emotionally). I did ask her about it once and she told me that because he had recently moved to London and didn’t have many friends she would speak to him occasionally and that was it. I am not the jealous type so I left it at that.

 

Anyways back to the original question if you were to revisit the relationship in your opinion is the pain worth the memories & the lessons learnt.

 

IMHO – some days yes, some day no… I guess its just one of those random things…

 

Anyways I guess this was more of a vent/rant rather than anything else….

[Ajax]

I've been going back and forth on that question myself lately.

 

I also have had fears of abandonment for many years, and when my ex came along I made a concious decision to not let them come between us. She was everything I could have wanted, and didn't want to risk losing her by not letting her in.

 

What I didn't consider was her inability to let ME in. She even told me a month or so into the relationship that when she gets close to someone she "freaks out." Well, she let me get too close and freaked the **** out! So now she's gone.

 

And now I'm left wondering if this is only going to make my abandonment issues that much worse. Will I ever let someone in again? It's too soon to tell.

 

But Like you, the memories of the good times are so powerful that I can't put them behind me. We spent so many fun days and nights together, and I want to feel that way again. I really just want her to get her **** together and come back. But I don't think she will because she's stubborn.

[PegNosePete]

It's an irrelevant question and IMO not really worth thinking about. You can't go back. If you could, you wouldn't have the foreknowledge anyway so you would make exactly the same choices all over again.

 

It doesn't matter whether it was worth it or not. You are where you are. It's like asking someone how much they paid for their flight... if they say less than you then it'll ruin your holiday, even though it won't affect it in any way whatsoever!

 

Look to the future, not the past. Take the lessons you learned. It's pointless to wonder whether you got ripped off, you can't give them back for a refund.

[smk]

@ Ajax - wow it seems like we were dating the same girl. My ex said exactly the same thing to me about 6 weeks into the relationship and she would keep on telling me - she always said that if she acted distant I should tell her and remind her - yet I never did because I didnt want to be the sort of guy who was insecure, etc...

 

Like you I made the same decision to not let my fears come in between us and now here I am....LOL... and again just like you I now have an even greater fear that this abandonment issue wont leave me after this experience and its freaky.

 

We did have lots of good time together and TBH the more I think about it I wouldnt change, I think when I put this thread I was having a moment and just let out. I am now not sure though if I would get back with her, there has been too much not said and done in the last 3 months to make things work. Maybe in a few years if we met again and we were both at the same place then great but I am not thinking about getting back with her. I do still think about her in a fond way though cos no matter what she did for a short period of time bring me joy and happiness - its just some days I think to myself if the memories truly are the worth the pain i am going through???

 

@ pete - hows it goinb buddy??? I have been away for a while, been here reading but not posting much - things have been all over the place...

 

I understand where you're coming from and what you're saying but sometimes we as humans just cant help but think random things....

 

hows things going with you???

[PegNosePete]

Yeah true we do have big brains which like to think. But best to (try to) look to the future.

 

I'm doing OK-ish, just counting the days til I can file for divorce... 3 weeks to go. She still needs to collect some sh#t from my garage which I'm not particularly looking forward to. 16 days NC. Halo Reach helps pass the time

[ohno89]

It's an irrelevant question and IMO not really worth thinking about. You can't go back. If you could, you wouldn't have the foreknowledge anyway so you would make exactly the same choices all over again.

 

It doesn't matter whether it was worth it or not. You are where you are. It's like asking someone how much they paid for their flight... if they say less than you then it'll ruin your holiday, even though it won't affect it in any way whatsoever!

 

Look to the future, not the past. Take the lessons you learned. It's pointless to wonder whether you got ripped off, you can't give them back for a refund.

 

Agreeeed! Please don't take this the wrong way SMK - I have had the exact same thoughts and read into stuff like this regarding me ex like crazy - but there's really not a great deal you'll gain from thinking so much about the past, it's something you cannot change and I think often, we read into things like this because it's another reason to indirectly think about our ex's, or dwell or look for answers... I think it's like a hole you're digging and looking deeper and deeper into. Take what you've learned and apply them to your future, not your past.

[Ajax]

@ Ajax - wow it seems like we were dating the same girl. My ex said exactly the same thing to me about 6 weeks into the relationship and she would keep on telling me - she always said that if she acted distant I should tell her and remind her - yet I never did because I didnt want to be the sort of guy who was insecure, etc...

 

Like you I made the same decision to not let my fears come in between us and now here I am....LOL... and again just like you I now have an even greater fear that this abandonment issue wont leave me after this experience and its freaky.

 

 

Yup. Same conversation right down to the part where she told me to tell her when she was being distant. And like you, I just let her be, not wanting to act needy.

 

I think in our cases that even had we called them out on it when they were putting their walls up things wouldn't have turned out differently. I've been beating myself up about it for a while, but deep down I know that it had nothing to do with me. I think our exes just have a lot of baggage that they need to sort out.

[YSS]

While the question is rather pointless as many have said, cause we cannot get a refund on our emotional investment. The flip side is -- how we do respond to that question from a "belief" perspective going forward will determine whether we actually move forward with our lives or stay stuck in limbo. Do we believe we can never trust again, then we never will, do we believe we can do it again and hope that our partner is as courageous as us to work through whatever issues prior to getting involved and also during the relationship. Cause lets face it, every rel'shp will have their "thing".

 

I am in the same place as many of you and find this forum comforting to know I am not alone. My experience has taught me, I want someone that is strong internally, who will not run from issues but rather deal with them. Its easy to run but to work through and push through our baggage so its "manageable" as opposed to let it run our lives takes courage. Avoiding the **** in our life only causes us to spew more crap into the lives of others. For myself, I never want to do that to someone.