Serial Cheater?

[pureinheart]

I'm sorry WowReally,

 

I didn't even answer your question in that long post, even though it is pretty obvious.

 

Yes, I'm involved with a MM after finding out he was a serial cheater. And he was a bad one, having multiple and overlapping affairs.

 

When I had a gut instinct I demanded the password to his secret email account and found most of my answers there. That is how I found out his A life was over (except with me) and how I confirmed he made his formal farewells to them. They still 'scratch at the back door' but he ignores them now, not fearing in any way that they'll inform his W for not playing, like he did at one time.

 

He also spent much more time with me from the D-day, lol, that I had with his email account. He did what it took to prove to me that I was the only one.

 

He's in IC and making plans to leave his W. He feels he is truly done with cheating and no longer wants to cheat on his wife with me. He never wants to cheat again. He has found what he's been looking for. Truly, if it wasn't me, I would be happy for him. It is not every day that a serial anything overcomes their ways.

 

You know, I think with the right influence anything is possible. Personally I don't think that exDM is the womanizer he once was, if at all anymore...and he was bad.

 

WF, it's like he doesn't feel safe operating in that mode anymore.

 

You know, all over this board, most comments are, "once a cheater, always a cheater"...BUT people change everyday, for the good or the worse....one of these two does take place...soooo the odds say that there is a 50% chance that a cheater can become a non cheater...people quit smoking cigs everyday...right?

 

I would bet money that the couples that worked on their M's after the said offense, that the WS never does that offense again...I really believe most are looking for a reason not to do whatever...WF, mostlikely you were his reason...

[20Seconds]

Yes, I'm involved with a MM after finding out he was a serial cheater. And he was a bad one, having multiple and overlapping affairs.

 

 

WF you story is interesting - did your MM have OOW while with you, or do you mean you just found out about previous A's? What made you suspect?

 

I have a lot of reasons to think that MM has had other A's apart from me & the previous OW I know of.

[Star_Bright]

My exMM was a serial cheater in his first marriage. Then he married his second wife who was his OW in his first marriage. Then he claims he never cheated on her in 19 years until me. I often doubted that but I'm not sure why he would lie about that when he was always pretty straightforward about everything to me, sometimes to the point of being brutally honest and telling me things I wish I didn't know. Now he says he did have two "accidental slip-ups" which he didn't qualify as cheating but I would most certainly qualify as cheating and once we talked about them he acknowledged that yeah, it was cheating. Like women coming onto him and just starting to do something with him... and him saying no but not right away... and acting like oh it wasn't my fault, they did it, and I'm like, ummm, if you hadn't allowed it to get that far it never would have happened. So in my book he has cheated on his second wife but not with long-term OW/deep As like in his first marriage. I also think he would let women get too close to him-like me, ha ha-and had perhaps had emotional affairs without callling them that. To him it's only cheating if he actually had sex.

 

But yeah he was an admitted serial cheater in his first marriage and in my book a repeat offender (before me of course... then that was a definite) in his second marriage.

[jj33]

Does it really work for them? Have all of the affairs come to light?

 

I dont know I didnt ask. I just know I met her. We were introduced at something, she said she knew who I was, and we chatted about fashion and such for a few minutes about girl things nothing to do with her marriage.

 

It may work for them but after a point it didnt work for me anymore. Problem is xMM hasnt gotten over the fact that I dont want that anymore. It saved me from the guilt of participating in a betrayal but it made my guilt towards how I was shortchanging myself greater once I decided I needed more. Boho was in a similar situation. Read the article she posted, imagine that but the W knows and is secretly relieved because she has her life, to the outside world they are the perfect family, and she doesnt have her pinhead H annoying her all the time because after 20 years together she doesnt have the hots for him the way she once did.

[Spark1111]

WF you story is interesting - did your MM have OOW while with you, or do you mean you just found out about previous A's? What made you suspect?

 

I have a lot of reasons to think that MM has had other A's apart from me & the previous OW I know of.

 

Ok....fBS here....and what many of us discovered on DDAY was not only the existance of an OW, maybe one he had an emotional connection to, but we also discovered as we were now looking for it, a trawling of the waters so to speak....

 

Emails and phone calls to old hs girlfriends, flirtatious texts to single or divorced co-workers, visiting strange web sites....

 

I am not trying to burst anyone's bubble. And yes, he REALLY did have feelings for his xOW.

 

BUT, it was as if he had crossed one very signifigant boundary with his affair and was testing all others as well.

 

Doubt she knew that.

 

But it IS what led me to believe his affair was a symptom, not the cause, if you get what I mean.

 

I think White Flower is right: He was looking for something, something he thought was out there, and having two women was still not enough....he was still trawling the waters, all over the place.

 

I'm not saying this is true in every case, but it was certainly true in my case and many other BSs who have posted here.

 

They discover more, much more than the existence of one OW.

 

And it is so sad, IMHO.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can second that Spark!

[camel's toe]

You never know what they are up to. That is the only answer. Don't waste time trying to work it out. Don't waste the energy.

 

MM1 - he was a serial cheat.

MM2 - he was cagey about it. Hinted that there had been another affair before me.

MM3 - Don't know (Don't care) but he tried (and failed)to get back with me when he'd got a divorce from the wife and was engaged to a new woman. So has issues for sure.

MM4 - A total dog. Sleeps with anything that moves. Didn't realise this at the time. Blinded by lust.

 

This MM who is pursuing right now - after about 18months of marriage he fell in love with his OW. Left wife and went back to wife when OW told him to sod off. Hes played around since. Pathetic. Yet another reason I'm not going there. Serial cheat and damaged goods.

[Lizzie60]

Are any of you OW/OM involved with a serial cheater that is still married even after multiple affairs?

 

Yes.. I am/was involved with cereal cheaters..

[White Flower]

You know, I think with the right influence anything is possible. Personally I don't think that exDM is the womanizer he once was, if at all anymore...and he was bad.

 

WF, it's like he doesn't feel safe operating in that mode anymore.

 

You know, all over this board, most comments are, "once a cheater, always a cheater"...BUT people change everyday, for the good or the worse....one of these two does take place...soooo the odds say that there is a 50% chance that a cheater can become a non cheater...people quit smoking cigs everyday...right?

 

I would bet money that the couples that worked on their M's after the said offense, that the WS never does that offense again...I really believe most are looking for a reason not to do whatever...WF, mostlikely you were his reason...

Nice post PIH, and sorry to take so long to reply.

 

I know I'm the reason he wants to quit. I hope I am the reason he leaves if he ever does.

 

WF you story is interesting - did your MM have OOW while with you, or do you mean you just found out about previous A's? What made you suspect?

 

I have a lot of reasons to think that MM has had other A's apart from me & the previous OW I know of.

I can't prove he was sleeping with them while with me but I suspect so. I can prove he was talking to them while with me, keeping the door open. A smart serial cheater always has a backup plan, especially if he is a sex-addict. (A whole other story!)

 

20seconds, always trust your gut!

 

Ok....fBS here....and what many of us discovered on DDAY was not only the existance of an OW, maybe one he had an emotional connection to, but we also discovered as we were now looking for it, a trawling of the waters so to speak....

 

Emails and phone calls to old hs girlfriends, flirtatious texts to single or divorced co-workers, visiting strange web sites....

 

I am not trying to burst anyone's bubble. And yes, he REALLY did have feelings for his xOW.

 

BUT, it was as if he had crossed one very signifigant boundary with his affair and was testing all others as well.

 

Doubt she knew that.

 

But it IS what led me to believe his affair was a symptom, not the cause, if you get what I mean.

 

I think White Flower is right: He was looking for something, something he thought was out there, and having two women was still not enough....he was still trawling the waters, all over the place.

 

I'm not saying this is true in every case, but it was certainly true in my case and many other BSs who have posted here.

 

They discover more, much more than the existence of one OW.

 

And it is so sad, IMHO.

Yes, very sad indeed. And sometimes it is the OW who learns more than the BW, especially if she is very quizzical.MM was up to all that your WH was. Most of it I intuited and the rest I dragged out of him. Funny how the ugly stuff can make a bond all that much stronger if you're willing to do the work.

 

Yes.. I am/was involved with cereal cheaters..

I far prefer cereal cheaters to serial cheaters.

[steelknife]

Really, WOW Really, how COULD anyone know?

 

Unless the SO admitted to a whole string of multiple infidelities. And I am always amazed how it is categorized as ONSs ONLY to the AP.

 

I mean, how would you know? It seems to me that if someone has the ability to be a serial cheater, they must also be a MASTER of lying, deceit and compartmentalization.

 

So, let's say the have the BS at home and OW/OM on the side. It does create the perfect scenario to continue to lie, doesn't it?

 

"I have to be with my family tonight," said to the OW/om, could surely be as must a lie as anything else? It would be the perfect cover to have a dalliance outside the affair relationship, yes?

 

The OW/OM will never check up on the MP's whereabouts. It is the unspoken affair rule: DO NOT CALL ME WHEN I AM WITH MY FAMILY.

 

As for the BS, what ever subterfuge being used to hide the AP, could also be used to hide multiple infidelities.

 

So unless someone is confessing all, how would you know? Whether you are the AP or the BS. Because the propensity could certainly be there, I think.

 

ouch how true.

my xmm had short affairs before me and other one night stands in their 17 year marriage that the BS knew 2. and when xmm and i were stil friends. he was telling me about these girls and how and when and all that. all the time, i knew that he leaves them when they are getting involved or demanding of his time. he said, 3 the most 4 encounters, are enough for him he stops.

 

so when he started on me, he said i was 'different'. i was 'serious'. so i believed him. he was a serial cheater but i just thought id make a difference. but i caugtht him once and let him get away with it. i ignored the red flags.

 

how right when you said that we dont call them when HE SAYS he is at home. but yeah, how can we be sure he is really at home and not with oow?? ive had the suspicions. the gut feeling. jsut never caught him. and no, ill never trust them. if he can do that to his wife, no reason why he wont do it to me.

[20Seconds]

I can't prove he was sleeping with them while with me but I suspect so. I can prove he was talking to them while with me, keeping the door open. A smart serial cheater always has a backup plan, especially if he is a sex-addict. (A whole other story!)

 

20seconds, always trust your gut!

 

 

Whiteflower I have done, see my thread about fishing for OOW.

 

I caught him having contact with an OOW. He said it was just a silly joke.

 

Ho hum. He wouldn;t see me to speak about it so I have finished it.

 

It's hard enough to trust a MM in teh first place, let alone when they start contacting OOW.

[White Flower]

Whiteflower I have done, see my thread about fishing for OOW.

 

I caught him having contact with an OOW. He said it was just a silly joke.

 

Ho hum. He wouldn;t see me to speak about it so I have finished it.

 

It's hard enough to trust a MM in teh first place, let alone when they start contacting OOW.

Truer words haven never been spoken. Glad you finished it (until you can get to the bottom of things if that is possible). I will go look for your other thread.

[20Seconds]

Truer words haven never been spoken. Glad you finished it (until you can get to the bottom of things if that is possible). I will go look for your other thread.

 

Interestingly enough, I decided to sign up with a dating site and have been on a date with a nice, single guy with more potential on the horizon.

 

However, temptation got the better of me yesterday and I did a little searching and there is a profile on there which looks suspiciously like it could be MM, and it's not new.

 

I kind of think that what we are probably talking about is keeping options open / maybe a bit of chatting, but who knows?!

 

I doubt I will ever get to the bottom of it, but I am caring less and less (apart from the odd slip up!).

[piscis]

Hi WOW!!

 

Yes My MM has been married for 16 years and was in an A with another person for 11 years, she was also a co-worker.

When I started working with him they had just ended it.

We started our R one year after that.

His W founed out about us, never (in his words) about the first OW in his life.

She kicked him out, he was "determined" not to go back, after 2 months he did because either he was going back or she was going to another city with their daugher (also thats what he told me, for what I know he begged to go back, I do not know).

He told me he was not considering leaving anymore cause his actions could destroy his girl's life.

Sad story, we are still together but as time has passed it has been really frustrating for me.