syxxpac023 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 This one is a doozie... My wife and I dated for 5 years and have now been married for almost 4. We have 2 young children. She has always been very jealous and very needy. While we were dating she cut alot of my friends out, especially the female ones. I told her then that I didn't like that but she kept doing it anyway and I stupidly kept allowed her to do it. She was always the type that if she was sick with a cold, she expected me to stay home and dote over her. Not exactly a strong type of woman. She had slapped me in the face, thrown chairs at me, constantly belittled me with name-calling and telling me that pretty much everything I did wasn't good enough. When we got married, she got pregnant nearly immediately and the started pining to stay home with our child. Because of our financial situation at the time, that just wasn't a possiblity and I was always blamed for that. She went through post-partum depression with the child and started anti-depressants which helped some. While she was pregnant with our first child, my ex-girlfriend contacted me and we started talking. She did try to do stuff with me but I told her no. My wife did find out that I had talked to her and was obviously furious. We started marriage counseling with both of us seeing individual counselors as well. A couple of years later when she became pregnant with our second child, she decided she was going to stay home and, despite my pleadings to work until further into the pregnancy, she quit her job which left us in an extremely tight financial situation. While she was staying home, she did nothing. I still came home and made dinner, did the dishes and laundry, cleaned up after the kid, vacuumed, grocery shopped, everything and WORKED, paid the bills, mowed the yard, all the "man" stuff. She would leave everyday to take our child to the park or to the mall and spend money despite me telling her not to. When I found some friends to play music with, if I came home past 9:30, I was being selfish. When she found out we were going to do a gig in a bar a few times a year, she freaked out because "fathers of two children shouldn't be out at bars" and tried to make me quit the band. I finally took a stand and told her that I was playing in the band because I needed something for me and let her know that I was no longer happy in our relationship and I was very tired of her controlling behavior. Since the baby was born I have told her that I wanted to leave her. When faced with that, suddenly she was able to clean the house, make dinner, and take care of the kids. Our sex life had been nothing before but she was willing to do things she had always told me no about. She finally respects me. I mean, it took that much for her to finally try to show me respect. Nine years of BS, nine years of begging for respect and I finally have my bags packed and she can suddenly show me respect and love. Am I the only one who sees something wrong here? A HUGE part of me is still ready to leave. There's just soo much hurt there. She has hurt me for so long that I don't think I can love her. But there's the kids and she does appear that she's going to try again. She has alienated so many of our friends and she and her family have done things that I just don't know that I can forgive them for. I don't think I should stay just for the kids but does anyone have any advice for me here? She keeps saying that I'm trying to take the easy way out but to me the easy thing is just to stay and grin and bear it like I have for so long. HELP!!!
cyabye Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 No cheating? Go to counseling. Unless you have developed a relationship outside your marriage. That's a different story.... Cya
karnak Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Everyone deserves a second chance. Grant her one. If she makes the same mistake, finish with her.
Author syxxpac023 Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 No cheating? Go to counseling. Unless you have developed a relationship outside your marriage. That's a different story.... Cya So what if I have? I haven't cheated on her, well, emotional cheating I suppose but the other relationship isn't likely to go anywhere because she's married, says she'll leave her husband for me, but kind of waffles on it so I'm not counting on there being anything there for me if I leave so I'm trying to keep her seperate from my decision of whether or not to go. She has helped me to realize, however, that things could be better for me and that I don't have to put up with what I've been putting up with.
BB07 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 You obviously knew your wife had issues BEFORE you married her, but yet you went ahead and married her. Then you and her brought children into a toxic relationship, not once but twice. What were you thinking??? Put your children first, they are innocent and you brought them into this mess. Get some marriage counselling and make the best of your bad choices.
Minnie09 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Listen, dude, you are having an EA already. You are "trying" to keep that separate from your decision on how to proceed with your M?? Seriously? I'm telling you right now that you are lying to yourself. Unless you detach yourself from the third party that interferes with you marriage vows, you won't get anything resolved. Be honest to yourself and clear your mind from the affair fog. How long have you been involved with mOW? I know you want to make yourself believe that the OW has nothing to do with how you feel towards your W and family, but you would be the first person in the world who is involved in an EA and at the same time able to keep it emotionally separate from your primary relationship. You can do years of counseling, lying to the MC, your W and to yourself. The A WILL affect your clear thinking. Don't waste your money and your W's time, get out of the A, man up and solve your problems. Nothing good will result from your "innocent" EA. Been there, done that. If you really want to do the right thing, tell your W everything, ask her to work with you on the M and give yourself and her a wakeup call. With a third person in the picture, desaster lies ahead of you.
cyabye Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 So what if I have? I haven't cheated on her, well, emotional cheating I suppose but the other relationship isn't likely to go anywhere because she's married, says she'll leave her husband for me, but kind of waffles on it so I'm not counting on there being anything there for me if I leave so I'm trying to keep her seperate from my decision of whether or not to go. She has helped me to realize, however, that things could be better for me and that I don't have to put up with what I've been putting up with. Well there you go. Summed it up in a nutshell. I highly doubt you would consider leaving if there wasn't someone else. See my quote at the bottom. cya
Gunny376 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Personality traits are pretty much set in stone by the age of 6 to 8 years of age. By then who you are and who you're ever going to be is for the most part who your going to be for the rest of of your life. Granted there's the "nature vs nurture" debate? And the sum of our life's experiences most definitely have an effect as to who we eventually ~ but the core of our existence has already been mapped out long before we become adults. With that said, hormones in both men and women changed as we go throughout life. Thus it changes our perception ~ which changes our attitudes, which changes our actions. This is why the person that you fail so madly in love with at say age 22 isn't the person that you want nor need at age 32, 42, 52 ~ nor you they. In short when one marries? They're actually marrying three totally and completely different people. The one they think they're marrying! The one they're actually are marrying! And the one that's going to come about as a result of having been married to you! (There's a fourth ~ which is the one that you meet in divorce court ~ as in "I can't believe that's the same woman/man I've been married to all of these years!") Staying married for the children is a "no-go" ~ in that in my own personal experience? My children (then age 6 and 10) were much happier seeing their mother who was more compatible with someone ~ and I the same. They were over the moon to see both us happier with others than miserable with one another. Indeed I told the XHEX (I call her that because of what she's done and said post-divorce more so than pre-divorce) that I loved her enough that I would rather see her happy with someone else than miserable and hating life with me. Twenty-twenty being what it is ~ my X wasn't and isn't a bad person. She has some personality flaws and issues ~ but don't we all? None of us are going to get out of this life without singing the blues at least once or more in our lives. Forget being Pregnant. Just a woman going through her monthly menstrual cycle wrecks havoc on your atypical woman, her attitudes, her moods, her perspectives ~ granted more than some than others ~ but still its a bitch. If you were to educate yourself about this along ~ you would gain a lot of understanding in and about women and why they are the way they are, say what the say, do what they do. Factor into the equation of becoming "Pregno" ~ OMG! Its the nature of women to be nurturing, loving and giving, and to want to have children ~ that's their nature (there are exceptions ~ in life and nature there are no absolutes) Your in the mess that you in because you don't and have never educated about such things, taught about the the nature and need of women and a woman's need. That combined with never having been educated about personal finance and interpersonal relationships? That in its self spells disaster. I wouldn't say that you and she so much needs counseling as you need to work on self-educating yourself about personal finances, inter-personal relationships, one's emotional needs, each other's own personal physical, sexual and emotional needs. My last LTR GF was a school teacher. She taught 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and Kindergarten. And each night she would come home exhausted and crash on the couch. I would have to wake her up off of the couch to go to bed. You DW went through and is going through postpartum depression. Depression ain't no joke. What ever its source or cause. I think she's trying? But she's still struggling. AD's (Antidepressants) and anti anxiety drugs are great (You've got to find the right ones, get on them, and they can take as long as year to take affect) But they're a short term answer to a long term problem. Ultimately one has to change their internal dialog and thinking ~ "Self Talk" if you will. I would recommend the "Attacking Depression and Anxiety" program as advertised on TV. Its not cheap, but they will work out a payment plan with you ~ they belive in it that much. Your single best chance at martial bliss and happiness is with the first woman you married and had children with!
trippi1432 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Aww...Gunny...glad to see you back..break time..hope to catch up with you in email and see how things are going. :love:
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