Would you wait?

[siuys]

I woke up feeling a bit more at peace. I spent all of yesterday being angry, and wanting to write mm off. I wrote him this last angry email, and as expected, he did not respond.

 

I have decided to write him off. Funnily enough, I think I am starting to see the A and mm in a slightly different way. It's almost like seeing something as it actually is, and not what I hope it would be. I also seem to have calmed down, and I don't seem to be clouded by all the love, affection, emotions. I read posts on LS everyday, but last night, I started reading about healing from a breakup, and I think I have started to let go of him, let go of the A. I am not very good at limbo land, so I want to remove myself from it. I hope I will be able to maintain this.

[Ellin]

Anger fades to desperation because you start to think about the good times and then you feel the loss even more this triggering panic...this will not be her final round.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

But while the anger is present, it can be used productively - to establish firmer and tighter boundaries, because anger comes when we feel we're not being treated in a way which is acceptable to us. It is there to tell us something, to show us more clearly what we are and are not prepared to accept.

 

It is important to act on it, instead of ignoring or supressing it, but like I said, act in a right, reasonable way.

 

Listen to what your anger is telling you.

[2sunny]

since he never asked for your deadline - seems he may not care one way or another...

 

IF he cared - he'd be begging for more consideration and time.

 

i think he's not that into you - move forward without any consideration of him at this point... no need to wait any longer.

[siuys]

You're absolutely right, Ellin. This is how I feel now. MM has not given me as much as I have given him, and he's flipped and flopped and made my life hell. We had good times, but the bad times outweigh the good ones. I take as much responsibility because I let it happen. I put up with it. I lowered my standards and took his crap. He is a mess yada yada yada and i have the choice to walk away. I don't think this R is meant to be. The timing is seriously bad. I don't doubt he is a great man, and a very good fit for me, but right now, it just doesn't work. And establishing a firmer and tighter boundary is exactly what happened after I feel anger. I no longer want to put up with BS. A friend said to me, you know when you are being loved.... so true.

 

I will get desperate again I am sure but that is part of the territory of writing someone off. I want a clean slate, and don't want to live in hope anymore. I don't want to date yet as I am clearly not over mm. I will stay on my own for a while and rebuild my life without mm. It's hard, but it's do-able. Time will help but committing to a decision will also help.

 

I am sure I will be back here again wallowing and carrying on.... but right now, I am tired of living this way, and have this stuffed up R occupying so much of my mind.

[Ellin]

Don't worry about what will happen later - you'll deal with it when it comes. The important thing is what you're feeling now. If desperation appears later, you'll find a way to address it then.

 

Now you're angry, use it to become stronger, until you know that you can trust yourself that you will not let yourself down any more by accepting less than you're satisfied with. Until you know that you are more important and precious than he is.

 

Is there anything that you love doing, feel passionate about - that you can throw yourself into and for a moment forget everything else? Or something that you've wanted to do for a long time but was always too busy? Now is the time to do it.

 

Or go away somewhere beautiful and relaxing. Or re-connect with old friends or visit some family.

 

Can you think of anything that will make you happy?

[siuys]

2sunny, it stung my heart when i read your response - but it's so true. reality hurts I think. but i agree, i don't think he is that into me, not anymore anyway.

[siuys]

Ellin, thanks for your support. Yes, I am dealing with my feelings right now. Can't think beyond now. One minute at a time.

 

One good thing though, is that I've never put my other passions on hold for him. I continued to do things that I love. The only problem was I couldn't fully enjoy them because he or the situation was constantly on my mind. I am good at being on my own and doing things, and connecting with people. And now I am working towards doing all that again WITHOUT having mm constantly interfering (mentally). He occupied too much of my mind, and in a bad way. I struggled from day one because when I met him he was still with his wife. I now know that I will never see anyone who is not available - legally or emotionally. Some people can do it, but not me.

[siuys]

After a couple of days of anger, i have sunk to a low point. I miss xmm a lot, and can't help but think of the good times, as well as the bad. I won't contact him, as i just can't bear the thought of being stuffed around again. I guess I am just wallowing in my own pain now, and of being hurt and being treated badly in many ways. i think back and remember the times he has flipped and flopped and hurt me, and how he started off really committed, and then can't make up his mind. I mourn for what could have been. I think it's hard because a R or A of this kind it is almost impossible to get closure, because we never had a chance to really get to know each other like in a normal relationship. I feel sad, and hurt. At least I know I won't contact him anymore. I still wonder if he will look me up in a few months' time like he said he would, but I know in my heart that I need to write him off, but it doesn't cancel out the fact that it still hurts... boy, have i learnt a lesson...