siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hi, after some LC with mm the last three weeks, we decided again today to go NC for a few months, simply because his head is all over the place from the separation and dealing with all his baggage. mm has been separated for 4 months (we met 7 mths ago). I doubt very much he is getting back with his W. My issue is because his head is not clear, he is unsure about a lot of things, including how he wants to proceed with our R (amongst the thousands of other things he is unsure about). I said to him that i only want him to contact me when he is 100% sure that he wants to be in this R 100%, nothing less. No crumbs. The real deal. He agrees and said that I deserve nothing less. I told him I have a deadline for myself (which I didn't tell him) and that by then if he is still unsure, or cannot give 100%, I'll write him off, for good. My deadline is end of January. I figured by then I will have given the whole thing a year of my time, and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Any thoughts out there? Would you wait till then? What would you do?
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Do they have plans to get together and socialize? Will they talk on the phone? How long have they been married? Is he going to IC or MC? What I've chosen to do is not wait as Im assuming my xMM and his BS will be reconciling despite their physical separation. He's just as confused as your guy although he is going to MC and IC which is more of a push for me to just let sleeping dogs lie. Can't fight city hall and why hold out for a guy who is going to be emotionally scarred for quite some time whether he fights to stay in his marriage or chooses to stay separated for a bit.
TigerCub Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hey Siuys, I think you're going about it the right way. I don't think that waiting till the end of Jan. is too much - after all this is a person you love. Some people waste years waiting, so I hope that you do stick to your own deadline. You guy is actually separated and is thinking about things - I really hope that things work out for the best for you. Waiting till end of Jan is good - but if falter on your own deadline, then it would be time to be concerned. all the best
In_Repair Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 (edited) Hi, after some LC with mm the last three weeks, we decided again today to go NC for a few months, simply because his head is all over the place from the separation and dealing with all his baggage. mm has been separated for 4 months (we met 7 mths ago). I doubt very much he is getting back with his W. My issue is because his head is not clear, he is unsure about a lot of things, including how he wants to proceed with our R (amongst the thousands of other things he is unsure about). I said to him that i only want him to contact me when he is 100% sure that he wants to be in this R 100%, nothing less. No crumbs. The real deal. He agrees and said that I deserve nothing less. I told him I have a deadline for myself (which I didn't tell him) and that by then if he is still unsure, or cannot give 100%, I'll write him off, for good. My deadline is end of January. I figured by then I will have given the whole thing a year of my time, and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Any thoughts out there? Would you wait till then? What would you do? I did the same thing. She didn't make a move before my deadline so I walked away. My advice, go ahead and write him off. Start dating other people. I'm not saying to forget about him or just sweep your relationship under the rug... but he has already told you that your relationship isn't worth his trouble right now. Why go through that when you could be out enjoying life? Maybe one day he does get his crap straight and he can then face you as single man with the intention of being yours... IF it ever happens. Then, the decision would be in your court, not his. Both of you can then more easily approach this relationship in a proper manner. My exMW did that very same thing. She has now left her husband and wants to be with me. Problem? I'm already with a wonderful woman and quite happy. I'm past that drama. Edited September 20, 2010 by In_Repair .....
greengoddess Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 You are giving this guy a free pass because he is seperated. Would you let a single guy you were dating say hey I don't want to tak to you I need to find myself oh and while I do this I expect you to wait for me and not date? Live your life.
TigerCub Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I expect you to wait for me and not date? Siuys, are you NOT dating as you wait for your deadline? I never even thought of that. I just thought the deadline was that by end of Jan, you're officially giving up on him. I didn't think it meant that you still weren't going to keep your options open and date others. If you're just waiting with no dating, then yeah - I change my answer - don't wait. Even though I was mixed up with my own MM drama, I still always kept my options open and dated others (he knew it too) - but yeah I'll admit that it is hard to invest in people when your emotions are tied to someone else, but I still went on dates, I didn't commit to anyone, but I still lived my life and had my fun - with or without him.
Silly_Girl Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Open the door for potential others, don't close the door on HIM. He could meet someone at a Xmas party and never come back to you (sorry sweetie). So BE single, be a happy, single, fulfilled you. Don't 'waste' any more time. But if someone (him or someone else) turns up in Jan I hope you have a busy and full enough life that you'd have the delicious problem of trying to make room for a man!!
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 If you do end up going against advice and do not date and fill your time with distractions you're just putting off the disappointment and hurt you could be going through now. 90 days is not enough of a time line for him to make a decision....maybe 6 months to a year. MAYBE He's going to go through a rollar coaster or emotions day to day / week to week / month to month and he will miss his wife and the life they had together assuming he stays out of the house for awhile. I wouldnt be shocked if he did not end up reconciling as the statistics speak for themselves. Sorry.
Author siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement and feedback. I just wrote mm a final email. an angry one. i have never been angry with him, but now i am. also at myself for letting it happen. i also reminded him i have a deadline, and i am not putting my life on hold for him. screw him. i've had enough. i don't need this bulls***. i know he's going through a lot yada yada yada but s*** happens. if he can't commit, and still doesn't know what he wants by end of January, then goodbye. I've got better things to do with my life. I also told him that i want a partner who enriches my life, not f*** it up. Excuse my French but I am pissed off. I do love him, but i love me more.
blizzard Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Absolutely not. Your question is kind of strange. You are asking an opinion on whether to "wait" for someone that you can turn off feelings for 100% if he doesn't produce the goods in 6mos? "Why wait?" Why not just enjoy life...if he reappears as prince charming someday than perfect. One thing that I don't understand...how do you genuinely work on yourself knowing you have someone waiting in throes? how does MM turn his feelings "off" for several months to "work" on himself or his "baggage" then turn it back on again when the sailing isn't smooth? He is asking you to hang around so that he has you to "fall back on." That isn't fair to you. Please realize, doubt is never 100%. I would say 99.9% he will remain with her. Or find someone else during this time. When he starts feeling not so happily satisfied in his marriage he will return to you. Or not if there is someone else he has snagged. You wouldn't do this to someone you loved. If you are available when the ink is dry then GREAT! Faith, God, the planets were truly in alignment for you two to be together. But poor you. You will lead a blind life for the next several months because you doubt his return to her. Don't put your life on hold. Date. Open your eyes to single men that are right in front of you NOW. I'm so sorry he is doing this to you.
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement and feedback. I just wrote mm a final email. an angry one. i have never been angry with him, but now i am. also at myself for letting it happen. i also reminded him i have a deadline, and i am not putting my life on hold for him. screw him. i've had enough. i don't need this bulls***. i know he's going through a lot yada yada yada but s*** happens. if he can't commit, and still doesn't know what he wants by end of January, then goodbye. I've got better things to do with my life. I also told him that i want a partner who enriches my life, not f*** it up. Excuse my French but I am pissed off. I do love him, but i love me more. If he can push your buttons like this the A aint over. Evoking an emotional response means you still have feelings and strong ones...you'll be talking to him again sooner than you may think
Author siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 WowReally, i know it's not over. But i needed to let him know how pissed off i am. and that i am closer to being done with it, which i am. I also realise that I have to be the strong one in this. I have to say no until he can prove to me that he is serious. And I truly, honestly will stick to my deadline because how much BS does one want to take? I think being angry is better than being in despair. I really feel that I want to move on and live my life and if he's in it, great, if not, fine too.
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 WowReally, i know it's not over. But i needed to let him know how pissed off i am. and that i am closer to being done with it, which i am. I also realise that I have to be the strong one in this. I have to say no until he can prove to me that he is serious. And I truly, honestly will stick to my deadline because how much BS does one want to take? I think being angry is better than being in despair. I really feel that I want to move on and live my life and if he's in it, great, if not, fine too. How is giving him an ultimatum going to help you? It really doesn't...it just paints someone in a corner they really dont want to be in. If he hasn't contact lawyers or at the very least apartment hunted HE'S NOT SERIOUS about you. He's got the ring through your nose and he's leading you around by it.
jj33 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 WowReally, i know it's not over. But i needed to let him know how pissed off i am. and that i am closer to being done with it, which i am. I also realise that I have to be the strong one in this. I have to say no until he can prove to me that he is serious. And I truly, honestly will stick to my deadline because how much BS does one want to take? I think being angry is better than being in despair. I really feel that I want to move on and live my life and if he's in it, great, if not, fine too. Siuys you are 100% right on all counts. The common wisdom is for you to move on as if hes not in your life as hes not but that is tricky when deep in your heart you are wondering if he will do what you want him to do by the end of January. It sounds like you have decided to wait and if you feel you must you must. Do try to use this time for yourself, doing the things you like to do etc. And yes you will have to be the strong one and actually the fact that you still may have feelings for him is not reason enough in and of itself to hang on. It takes time to heal, time for feelings to fade. No matter how you feel in the future when you have reached your limit you need to close the door. Take good care
Author siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 WowReally, you're probably right. I don't know. I guess the ultimatum is more for me. I am not willing to completely write him off yet. And I am fully prepared that he won't be ready. Meanwhile, I will live as if he's out of my life already for good. Am not sure what you mean by apartment hunting but he is on his own. He needs to be separated for a period of time before any divorce proceedings. Anyway, I don't really care anymore. I am exhausted. I will get on with my life and write him off in my head. That's the only way. I know deep down I still HOPE that it will work out, but everything points to the contrary. I must simply accept that, ultimatum or no ultimatum.
Silly_Girl Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 WowReally, you're probably right. I don't know. I guess the ultimatum is more for me. I am not willing to completely write him off yet. And I am fully prepared that he won't be ready. Meanwhile, I will live as if he's out of my life already for good. The "ultimatum" is you giving him more chances than he deserves. It's your way of not facing facts. It's how you give him more time when he doesn't need you to give him more time. It's false hope. Maybe. I hope it's not, for your sake.
Ellin Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hi Siuys. By waiting for him while he's making his mind up, you're giving him more than he's giving you, which is not good for you, and you're putting the control over your life into his hands - take it back. It's good you're more angry than desperate, this will help you put your feet firmly on the ground. You've been balanced and strong so far, you'll be ok. Take care of yourself.
Author siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Thanks Ellin. You are right. You are all right. I am working on writing him off despite my feelings for him. I now know that feelings don't mean crap without actions. And that it is not everything. My feelings will fade as I lose respect for him. That's for sure. And I am going to be ok, and will heal from this and move on, hopefully meeting someone in the future who is emotionally available. Being in this R has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Not the smartest either. I have learnt a lot about myself but enough is enough. I am sick of being thrown under the bus. And I am the only one who can stop that from continuing. I have to take charge of my life and take care of myself, coz no one else will. I hate this roller coaster ride. And can't believe I'm back on it. I let it happen. I gave him an inch, and he took a mile. Live and learn.
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 It's good you're more angry than desperate Anger fades to desperation because you start to think about the good times and then you feel the loss even more this triggering panic...this will not be her final round.
Author siuys Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Wowreally, you are absolutely right because I've been there and back several times. Other than anger, I know I need to grief, heal and make peace. I am looking at this not even day by day, but moment by moment. This is the only way I can cope. Every second I am closer to healing. Every minute I am more used to the idea. To say it's hard is an understatement, as am sure you all know. What else to do except tackle it moment by moment? I so wish I didn't get myself in this situation.... too late for that now. But how I handle it from now on I have a choice.
WowReally Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Do what you have to do...its taken me and my xMM several tries to get where we are...which is NC and it's not pleasant. I still hope that he's texted me every time my text alert goes off and am a little disappointed when it's not. Truth is I dont really have anything to say to him. I am coming to terms that he's NOT MINE. Never was. I could flirt with him and encourage him to come after me again but it doesnt solve anything. It just keeps the cycle of no answers, frustration, confusion, and lies going. Limbo is not a good place to be.
Author siuys Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 WowReally, you are right. I could wheel him back in, but why bother? Like you said, this viscous cycle will never end. How bloody awful. So, how long have you 'been' with mm and how long since NC? Have you moved on and how do you feel now after a period of NC?
WowReally Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) I was "with" my xMM for alittle over a year - started out at EA and spiraled to PA similar to the stories of others on here. We've only been NC for about a week but I think this time it's for real. I think about him often but it's weird, I miss him without really missing him if that makes any sense? He's got to figure out what he wants and having me as a distraction is probably the worst thing for him right now. He's got make sure the decision he makes is the right one for him and his family on every level. He knows I want him to be happy, I've told him so on many occassions. Im not angry, bitter nor do I feel used as he NEVER promised me anything and he made it a point to not feed me lines. I went along for this ride with my eyes wide open so I only have myself to blame for staying on the ride maybe a little longer than I should have. I do miss him but I do not miss the head games. Edited September 21, 2010 by WowReally
Author siuys Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 WowReally, it sounds similar to my story on many levels. I am angry at the moment, mostly at myself for letting it happen. I, too, went into it with my eyes wide open, my heart wide opened, only to be stomped on. MM actually did say to me that I am a distraction right now. Nice. But I understand. And if anything, this break will prove to both whether this R is meant to be. Right now, I am not betting on anything. I am moving on, and writing him off. I have to. This roller coaster ride and the associated spewing is making me too sick. Like you, I miss him, but I don't miss all the crap. I certainly would rather be alone than in this mess. This is the third time now that we're doing the NC and like you, I think it's for real because I am no longer a willing participant in this dysfunctional R. Thanks for your time and let me know how you're doing with NC etc.
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