Birthday - To wish or not to wish

[benB]

My ex has her b day coming up on Monday, we go to the same school and her friends and some of my former friends are visiting her this weekend. Sucks for me. But I am not going to say anything to her, I already decided that much.

[G-Man]

What if your ex's birthday happens to be New Year's Eve? Seems pretty hurtful, especially when she's tried so hard to be nice to me since leaving me.

 

Also; she's wished me Happy Birthday and even bought me presents while we've been apart.

 

Though... that was another faux-reconciliation where she invited me down whilst drunk at 3am, asked me to come back the next night to spend the evening of my birthday with her, then cancelled during the afternoon of my birthday.

 

EDIT: Clarification... that was my 21st birthday, last year. This year she just bought me lunch.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I think I need to listen to what's been said before.

You send a stronger message by not sending anything than if you do.

I know if I would send something, she would contact me, but what's the point?

This is going to eat at me allllll the way till this coming Wednesday though.

It's going to be a friggen see-saw.

I gotta hold tough though.

For my own sake.

This woman is a train wreck.

[skydiveaddict]

You send a stronger message by not sending anything than if you do.

I know if I would send something, she would contact me, but what's the point?

 

 

You are right, she will contact you if you send it. Then you get to hear about what a wonderful time she is having without you in her life. Do you really want to hear that? I suspect not

[HighPlainsDrifter]

You are right, she will contact you if you send it. Then you get to hear about what a wonderful time she is having without you in her life. Do you really want to hear that? I suspect not

 

Oh she wouldn't give me that. She would give me the whole how tough things are going for her and how stressed out she is. That's what she always does. She wants my pity, and wants me to feel sorry for her.

 

Gawd I know I need to stay away from this. It'll only drag me down further, and break my day 27, well as of tomorrow, day 28 of NC.

 

This is such BS...

[Recovery]

Oh she wouldn't give me that. She would give me the whole how tough things are going for her and how stressed out she is. That's what she always does. She wants my pity, and wants me to feel sorry for her.

 

Gawd I know I need to stay away from this. It'll only drag me down further, and break my day 27, well as of tomorrow, day 28 of NC.

 

This is such BS...

 

Whatever you choose to do HPD.. just put yourself first. Do what you think is right but only because you think it will help you and your recovery.

[fabio10]

I think if your ex didnt do something totally evil like cheating etc, you should send a simple birthday wish aslong as you dont have unreal motives such as thinking it might make them want you back ! Its my ex's birthday next week and I fully intend to send her a birthday wish I accept we are over but I still wish her a happy birthday its not going to make her want me anymore or less, take it for what it is a birthday wish nothing more nothing less !

[Art_Critic]

I think if your ex didnt do something totally evil like cheating etc, you should send a simple birthday wish aslong as you dont have unreal motives such as thinking it might make them want you back ! Its my ex's birthday next week and I fully intend to send her a birthday wish I accept we are over but I still wish her a happy birthday its not going to make her want me anymore or less, take it for what it is a birthday wish nothing more nothing less !

 

You only disagree because you are wanting to send your ex a card .

 

Live and learn..

Send the card.. it is more than just a B-day wish to the person sending the card...

[fabio10]

Im not sending her a card jeez would'nt go that far, a simple text.

[bonpaw2008]

I asked this same question a month or so back and got some great advice

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243808/

 

Of course I didn't follow it and contacted him anyway and it made me feel like ****, just like everyone said it would. But every time that he contacts me and acts like a jerk just reaffirms to me that this breakup was for the best.

 

Good luck, stay strong, they don't deserve your best wishes

[Username37]

No.

 

No.

 

Wait....

 

No.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I appreciate all the responses. See, she has never really given me closure, but has made no effort to see me or to talk about this, other than her breaking NC which was now 28 days ago. I still think that what she is doing is going to wear off and she'll wake up, but we probably all want to think that.

 

The more I hear about things, the more I am swaying to just ignoring the bday. Do the unexpected and maybe that would shake things up a bit more by doing the expected.

 

I dont' know...

 

Thanks again for the replies and keep em comin. Like I said, sometimes a person just needs this crap pounded into their head... Repeatedly...

[stellastreet]

I have the curious situation of the ex and I having exactly the same birthday...and the answer is no, neither of usssent a birthday wish and neither should you IMHO as it is way too soon. As someone else said, you will not get the ideal answer you want from them at this stage.

[PegNosePete]

I had it the other way round, it was my birthday last week. I was wondering if she'd send me anything. She didn't. I was relieved.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I think everyone is saying basically the same thing, except for fabio.

I don't know though. I think the right thing to do is to not send anything at all. I keep waffling, but the more I hear the responses, the more I'm being steered in what I believe is the correct direction.

 

I mean, yes, it will make her contact me, but it's still showing that I would be on the hook, and thinking about her. And what would it change? Nothing at this point.

 

She has to come to me, right?? I mean, that's the way it is.

 

Gawd as Wednesday approaches, I'm going to so go back and forth on this. Keep on hammerin me everyone. I'm such a tard...

[Shadowburn]

I think everyone is saying basically the same thing, except for fabio.

I don't know though. I think the right thing to do is to not send anything at all. I keep waffling, but the more I hear the responses, the more I'm being steered in what I believe is the correct direction.

 

I mean, yes, it will make her contact me, but it's still showing that I would be on the hook, and thinking about her. And what would it change? Nothing at this point.

 

She has to come to me, right?? I mean, that's the way it is.

 

Gawd as Wednesday approaches, I'm going to so go back and forth on this. Keep on hammerin me everyone. I'm such a tard...

 

Don't do it.

 

Main reason being that you need to stop doing nice thoughtful things for someone who didn't love you and didn't appreciate you. Being a doormat and martyr is not going to win your ex back - it will give them satisfaction of knowing you're still thinking about them and pining over them while they're happily moving on with their life.

 

I ignored my ex's bday. Then I ran into him a week later and he gave me earful how dare I not to, poor baby, all hurt and upset. Believe me, your silence will get your point across much quicker. Your ex is a history, so leave it in the past where it belongs.

 

Good luck.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Don't do it.

 

Main reason being that you need to stop doing nice thoughtful things for someone who didn't love you and didn't appreciate you. Being a doormat and martyr is not going to win your ex back - it will give them satisfaction of knowing you're still thinking about them and pining over them while they're happily moving on with their life.

 

I ignored my ex's bday. Then I ran into him a week later and he gave me earful how dare I not to, poor baby, all hurt and upset. Believe me, your silence will get your point across much quicker. Your ex is a history, so leave it in the past where it belongs.

 

Good luck.

 

No I hear you burn. And you're right about the doormat thing. My situation is pretty messed up. She is messed up right now. She's in the process of a divorce. While I think that she did love me, she has claimed that the nerd that she's staying with right now is just a hideout from her stbxh, and that she can't be with me right now because she can't handle a serious relationship right now. I know it's fugged and it's my fault for going there in the first place.

 

If you would see this guy, it's such a mis-match, hes fat and unatractive w 2 kids, that I still have that hope, albeit possibly false, (likely false?) that she will wake up and realize that she really messed up. She has said as much. Her friends have said as much. It's so confusing...

 

But still, sending a b-day greeting would just reinforce the doormat role.

 

Blah! I know! I just gotta stick to it! I waffle so much I need syrup!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Well,

The countdown begins.

Birthday is on Wednesday.

The more I think about it, the more I've decided to not wish her a happy birthday.

Officially day 31 NC.

I know I should lose count sooner or later, but believe it or not, I'm still kinda in shock.

I guess that's even more reason to not send a birthday wish.

3 days till judgement day.

Blah, what a mess I got myself into...

[user2011]

this happend to me a month ago.

 

I decided not to send the text. felt really bad about it

 

A month on. ex sends me one. feel tad bad but happy she cared.

 

a month after that i bump into her, she says she sent one and i must not have got it, i said i did and apologised but said i was busy.

 

conclusion: so glad i didnt. but thats just me. I looked at it purley from my own mental health. didnt want to open up contact.

 

And was kindof nice knowing i had held my own

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Thanks everyone for sharing their stories.

Well, tomorrow is the day...

Holding strong thus far.

Feel free to keep your support coming.

Although it's all been said before, it's a good distraction, and that's what I'm going to need to get through tomorrow for sure.

Groan... It's gonna be a long day...

[Ajax]

Not that this is relevant, but my exes B-Day was about two weeks before she dumped me. Sent her flowers at work, baked her a cake, made her a card and spent the evening with her and her family at her parents place. Everything was perfect. Her friends and coworkers were jealous.

 

Two weeks later she cuts me out of her life completely. I know I shouldn't have, but just now I checked Facebook to see if she still had the "Happy B-Day" message I left her. She had deleted it. She not only cut me out of her life but she's erasing me from her past.

 

If I'd known what would happen I don't know what I'd have done differently for her birthday. But if they've already dumped you, don't wish them happy birthday. Don't do them the favor of giving them the chance to ignore you.

[Billie The Puppet]

Not that this is relevant, but my exes B-Day was about two weeks before she dumped me. Sent her flowers at work, baked her a cake, made her a card and spent the evening with her and her family at her parents place. Everything was perfect. Her friends and coworkers were jealous.

 

Two weeks later she cuts me out of her life completely. I know I shouldn't have, but just now I checked Facebook to see if she still had the "Happy B-Day" message I left her. She had deleted it. She not only cut me out of her life but she's erasing me from her past.

 

If I'd known what would happen I don't know what I'd have done differently for her birthday. But if they've already dumped you, don't wish them happy birthday. Don't do them the favor of giving them the chance to ignore you.

 

Were other b-day comments left?

 

How would you have felt if she left it?

 

I personally don't count checking or keeping your ex friended on FB as breaking 2-way No Contact but I do count it as "checking in" and thus breaking 1 way No Contact . I'm guilty of "checking in" as I haven't fully committed to true NC as in deleting all traces of the ex. Ironically I do it to see if I am still in her thoughts but then again me being left in FB can also be chalked up to too much work/laziness to delete. It does give me false hope.

 

I asked my ex to get rid of traces of me because it is giving me false hope and she said she had enough of this *bleep*. The was the last time we communicated. Basically I acted on signs that were incorrect I suppose and it forced me into NC which I should have done from the start because it is so much easier on the heart. I have checked since and still see my family friended in which she wouldn't talk to them and still see me in her profile album but I assume it will come of one day. In fact more likely sooner than later as she has depreciated what exactly my family and I can see on her FB recently( Meh better for me anyways) I can no longer see her photos except profile album [Which still has "us as a couple in" with exception of most current] but funny enough I know in her photo album she still has herself tagged in photos with me as I can see them in mutual friends albums I untagged myself in but she is still tagged in so therefore they are in her now hidden pictures album.

 

As for the OP

 

Do not wish a happy bday to an ex unless you are indifferent otherwise you may over analyze whatever response or no response you may or may not receive. Talking with an ex should only be done if you are indifferent or if both parties want to reconcile.

[raincheck]

DONT DO IT! you're wasting your time and mental energy even thinking about it. over is over, and any response from her or attempt at contact from you, will just catapult you into sadness, nostalgia, regret, longing, etc. BOO, who needs those feelings?! go do something fun tmrw

[skydiveaddict]

Thanks everyone for sharing their stories.

Well, tomorrow is the day...

Holding strong thus far.

Feel free to keep your support coming.

Although it's all been said before, it's a good distraction, and that's what I'm going to need to get through tomorrow for sure.

Groan... It's gonna be a long day...

 

 

Not if you go skydiving. He won't even be on your mind!

[Ajax]

Were other b-day comments left?

 

How would you have felt if she left it?

 

 

 

She left the rest of them, including ones from my friends and sister. But the one where I wished her happy b-day and told her I loved her is gone.

 

Had she left it I would at least feel that our relationship mattered to her. As it is, it's like she's trying to erase me from her past. That would be understandable if I'd hurt her in some way, but I didn't. All I ever did was love her and try to make good memories.

 

I could delete her from Facebook, but for me out of sight doesn't mean out of mind. I'd still be wondering. Plus she also has pictures of us up still, I think she knows it would be too obvious to our friends if she purged those too. So I'm content to leave them as a reminder to her of what she gave up. Maybe someday it will sink in.

 

Sorry we hijacked your post OP.

Edited October 6, 2010 by Ajax