Hate towards my husband

[Erin5963]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have been together since 2007. I have a son from a previous relationship and my husband and I have a son together. I am 23, he is 21. Young, yes I know. When I first met my husband, honestly, I thought I had the best man ever. He was such a gentleman, polite, my family liked him, etc. He told me stories of how he had been done wrong in his previous relationship and I felt like we really connected and like I could relate to him. I got pregnant in the middle of 2008 with our son. That's when everything started coming into light. I found a message from a female on a social networking site asking my husband to call her. I, of course, wrote her back and asked her what was going on. At first, she lied and said they were like 'brother and sister'...it took a little while to get her to admit that, yes, they had indeed been sleeping together. I forgave him. Then, a couple of months later, my husband is spotted following a female into a park. This female also lied to me...I had to catch my husband in LIES to actually end up getting the truth that he and this other girl had been sleeping together. I take him back again. Things seemed to have mellowed out. We were happy, our relationship seemed to be back on track. Then here comes good old woman's intuition knocking at my door. I just had this inkling to look @ our phone records. He had been calling one of my really good 'friends' behind my back. I put him out of the house @ this point. He and the 'friend' both insisted that nothing happened and that all he really ever wanted was advice about me (yea right) so after 2 weeks of him being out of the house, I let him come home. He admitted to me that he had slept with someone else while we were split up this 2 weeks...and that she was a 38 year old woman. He had met her at a club and they had sex. I started hearing rumors that there was someone claiming to have had a relationship with my husband since we had been married. Of course, I chose not to believe this. Then I started hearing rumors that she was pregnant. Turns out the rumors were about this 38 year old. She IS pregnant. I heard from an old friend that all this was indeed true. My husband and the girl claim it happened once and that was it. My gut tells me that no...they were having a full blown affair. I mean, who does that? Who meets some random 38 year old and has unprotected sex with her the very first time?? She has told this old friend of mine that the baby is my husbands. Her story to me, however, is that she's too far along for it to be my husbands. I had never seen this woman. But one day when I get off work...something in my head tells me to drive past my husbands job. Nothing unusual. I go to Old Navy...there's an older woman, between the ages of 35 and 40, who appears to be pregnant...guess who it is??!! HER!! She ATTACKS me! Crazy, I know but that's what happened. I found out that my husband had gave her $250 towards an abortion that she never got. This has been 4 or 5 months ago. I have tried to get over it and here recently, its crept back into my mind. I have so much hatred in my heart towards my husband. I love him, but I feel like I would be setting myself free from a lot of heartache and stress if I just left him. Suprisingly, I think it hurts him for me to feel this way. He's even cried about it. But the hate is still there. Any advice?

[TaraMaiden]

You really need advice after all this?

Ok.

Get back with your family or friends, seek a divorce and leave the rat.

 

There.

I think that's all the advice you need.

[HawksRule]

You know I'm normally one to give positive advice and say give the guy a chance, second chance, possibly even third. But this guy just seems like a real loser. It's just sad there's a kid involved. But you know what there's nothing about him (according to your post) that seems like he would work it out. I mean you literally did give him a first, second, and THIRD chance. And he keeps screwing it up. IMO if he does truly love you, and you truly love him. You both go to MC, make this thing work for both of you. If it doesn't, well you kind of know already what you may need to do. A kid growing up with split loving parents is probably still better than parents who stay together, one hating the other, and the other constantly cheating. Anyway good luck with everything.

 

 

I don't think anyone would blame you if you wanted to just drop him all together. It seems like you've given him enough chances. But if you really do want to try one more time, and he honestly will get his stuff together, I recommend MC.

[TigerCub]

Hey Erin,

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through something so awful.

I know that you have a son together. But if it were me, I'd definitely divorce him - Hell, if it were me, I wouldn't have taken him back after the 1st time!!!

 

You tried really hard, and you put up with this guy and kept forgiving him, and all he understood from that is that he can get away with it.

 

It's sad, but some people (like you husband) they think kindness = weakness.

 

If you stay with him, you'll always be wondering who he's screwing behind your back, and that's no way to live.

 

Now is the time for you to actually think of what's best for you children.

Is it really going to be a good home for them to grow up when daddy keeps screwing around, mom keeps kicking him out, and mom is filled with anger and depressed?

 

I wouldn't think so.

 

Do what's best for you and your children and divorce that loser.

 

**HUGS**

[JackJack]

I'm sorry this has happened. You might want to weigh your options and see if you staying in this unhealthy situation outweighs that of getting out of it. Chances are if you stay the hatred and resentment will continue to grow, you will probably always wonder if he is doing it again, or whats going on. Do you really want that for yourself and child? You both are young, you have alot of life ahead of you. Don't spend it being hurt and angry, and in a situation that isn't good.

[Stung]

Of course you hate him. You can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth, he is lying to you, cheating on you, playing you for a fool and having a baby with another woman. It's a horrible situation and the way he's treating you is despicable. He should be ashamed of himself.

 

I am usually one who advocates a lot of marriage counseling before taking any drastic steps, and I believe marriage CAN be repaired after infidelity--but only if there is real honesty, commitment to fixing the problems, and genuine remorse and regret. It's quite obvious none of those exist here, and your husband is a serial cheat and a chronic liar and has some serious emotional problems. My advice is to not stay in this toxic situation one minute longer. You need to get a divorce and get this man out of your life (as much as possible considering he is still your son's father). You will never, never be able to trust anything that he says, and if you keep him around the lies and anger and casual use of women will start to rub off on your sons. Creating a separate life for yourself is the only way your son will ever see different, better, healthier behavior.

 

It will be hard to be on your own with two boys, but it will be better for ALL of you in the long run. You absolutely WILL be freeing yourself from a lot of heartache and stress. And next time make sure you know a man a lot better than you knew this one before you consider marriage and/or babies with him.

[Westy]

I'd leave if I were you.

 

Lets add to that, I dont want to tell you how to live your life, but were the children planned? I would really work on trying not getting pregnant with the next one, the last thing you want is to have 4 kids with 4 different fathers. (Ive seen this from experience has my brother has fathered 4 children with 4 different women), not that hes actually much of a father to them.

[fredcollins]

This guy is a complete loser. I can figure that out before I was half way through your story. The sad part you are both immature and shouldn't have had children in the first place to put in the middle of all this. Leave him and wake up.

 

Oh, and use the "Enter" key when typing.

[llama]

Hi Erin

 

I know you're young and the thought of being divorced with two children is probably not the most appealing option, quite understandably. But it's more important to do what is best for you and your kids, and not base your life decisions on the stigma attached to being young and divorced.

 

If you had a friend who was going through the same situation, I am sure you would advise her to leave. This man is not going to give you or his child the love and respect that you deserve.

 

By the sounds of it, he is also not going to learn this important quality. I'm sure most relationships have some kind of issues. I think it would help you to think about whether your problems have a realistic longterm solution or not. For example, if your husband is an unemployed bum, then the realistic longterm solution is that he gets a job and you believe he's capable of that and sticking to it. Simple enough.

 

However, with his cheating, do you really believe he is capable of stopping forever? Do you really believe he has learnt his lesson and will never do it again? Do you feel he has taken into consideration the feelings of his wife when he's doing it? Does he feel SORRY for any of his actions or the hurt he has caused??

 

Erin, he's not learning a lesson from any of this. If anything he seems to think it's ok to keep f***ing around with other women, probably more than a lot of regular single guys!! You're supposed to share the rest of this life with this man. Can you do that and feel loved? secure? stable? respected?

 

I think kids will be happier brought up by two parents who live apart than in an unhappy broken home. It's not ideal, but think about your options and the reality of them and what will make you happiest in the LONGRUN. Sure there might be some mental stability from being with the man you had a child with right now, but does it outweigh all the pain, lying and deceit that you will have to keep going through?

 

It takes a lot of guts and courage to leave someone you love, but it should be easier when they don't deserve your love. You have every reason to feel hatred, and five months is not a long time to 'get over it'. He's betrayed you on a deep level. Another woman's child on the scene is a big commitment you'd have to accept if you decide to stay, and I'm sure that will lead to all sorts of grief.

 

Another thing you should consider - I don't think you were hard enough on him each time you found out about a new fling. Obviously he thinks cheating is worth the low level of grief he will get from you. Do something good for yourself and stop letting him have this easy ride, this woman to come back to who lets him get away with everything. He probably doesn't really believe you'll leave, but you can. Be strong because to an outsider of this relationship it seems blatantly obvious that you deserve much much better and should definitely leave. If you really want to 'try' you can convince him to go to marriage counselling, but I think his cheating is a problem that won't go away.

 

Good luck (and remove the things that cause harm from your life)

[jamesum]

Getting pregnant and getting married before the age of 25 should be banned.

[Angel1111]

I'd be surprised if you didn't hate him. I'm actally surprised you haven't changed the locks. You know, 'but I love him' is not a good enough reason to sit around and let a man do disrespectful things to you. It's just an excuse to put off what you need to do - which is leave this idiot. So why on earth did you choose to blind yourself to the gosspip about this recent affair with the 38-yr-old when everything about his history told you it was probably true? So what if he cried? Big deal. He loves to cheat and he loves all the drama that goes with it. Unless you want to keep doing this until YOU'RE 38, I'd suggest that you tell him to jump off a cliff (and hopefully he'll do it).

[Angel1111]

Getting pregnant and getting married before the age of 25 should be banned.

 

If only, jamesum.

[YellowShark]

Oh my god. I am so sorry to hear this Erin5963.

 

1) A female on a social networking site.

 

2) Husband is spotted following a female into a park.

 

3) One of your really good 'friends' behind your back.

 

4) Rumors were true about this 38 year old. She IS pregnant.

 

What you have on your hands is is a SERIOUS serial cheater. But you have the most dangerous kind of serial cheater, and that is one who has no morals or remorse and will have unprotected sex and even get other women pregnant WHILE married to you.

 

Please run. As fast as you can. Get a lawyer and do what you must to protect you and your child from this cancer-of-a-man. You have your whole life ahead of you and you need to be happy, safe, and in a healthy relationship.

 

Best of luck, be strong.

[jimrich]

re: I have a son from a previous relationship and my husband and I have a son together.

.... IMO, your #1, most important and urgent PRIORITY is your kids - not your hubs or your self - YOUR KIDS!

Kids need and deserve the very best parental role models you can give them you guys ain't it!

 

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make sure your kids are protected from bad, inadequate, corrupt, rotten and DAMAGING parental role models or any other role models in their lives.

Of course your kids will have the opportunity, later in life, to decide if they want to follow their parents examples OR NOT.

[lmk]

This is terrible and so hard to read... Please, and do this for yourself - leave and run as far away as possible. Nobody deserves to live with someone who has done such horrible things. it's not worth the love.

[porter218]

My XH cried too. He hurt for the pain he caused me, I know this. But this doesn't change what he did time and time again. It's a pattern that will not stop. Let him go. Your kids are looking up to you to see what is right and what is wrong. When they see you always taking this loser back they will begin to think treating women this way is OK. Please leave him and just walk away, even if he is crying...who cares, he should cry!