Was I too harsh with NC?

[Kristie16]

Backstory. I don't have the best luck with guys, as I've detailed here.

 

Cut to February of this year when I moved back to my hometown and met a guy through a mutual friend. I was 24, he 22, almost 23. I moved back in the interim until I found a new job. At that point, I was just freelancing in my field. James was going to school part time and working full time. After that first night of meeting he added me on facebook and was always messaging me and texting me. We went out on a couple of dates and about two weeks later he asked if I would be his gf. I was, of course (having never really had a legitimate bf) excited and said yes. I probably should have seen some red flags from the start: He lied about having never hooked up with another girl I also met that night. (Later found out they made out the night we met and had sex a few years ago). He was so quick into getting in a relationship and tends to always need a girl. I also later learned he wasnt going to school as much as let on to me.

 

But I pushed that all aside because I had a bf! He did treat me well, but we also had very different goals in life. I love traveling, meeting new people, my career and bettering myself. He's pretty content with just scraping by at dead end jobs, never leaving the city he was born in but also very conscious of what others thing of him. I told him from the get go that I was just back in town until I found another full time job. His response: Well, I guess that means I need to spend as much time with you as possible.

 

Things went well for a few months. We definitely did have fights. And I think he was still getting used to the fact that I was different than any other girl he'd been with. I'd never slept with anyone before him. He was used to sleeping with girls and THEN getting into a relationship. He thinks it's fine that his group of girl and guy friends all sleep together, while I was pretty repulsed by that. He told me when we started dating and everything was going wonderfully that he'd never done it this way with someone (ie. take me on dates, then get into a relationship, not talk about sex right away, not sleep together right away)

 

I did end up sleeping with him. But in the back of my mind, as much as I liked him, I knew I didn't love him and I just wasnt comfortable having intercourse with him. He was pretty good about it, although I know it did bug him at times and at one point he said he wouldn't be able to continue unless I was willing to at least try again. I did a little while after that, but it hurt too much so we didn't try anymore.

 

Throughout our five months, I traveled domestically for work and pleasure, always texting and keeping him up to date with what I was doing. I was never gone more than a week. In August, when I was on a trip for a week, I was informed that I was being offered a job I'd applied to abroad. It was going to take at least three months to get the immigration and labor stuff in order. (I'd told him I'd interviewed for this job and others along the way). I was out of the town when I got the offer and I text him and told him. I said it would be the earliest three months from now, but until then, I would be back in my hometown, except with one month in NYC to stay with a friend. I'd said I'd hope we could stay together during that one month. He responded that it was "something we could discuss in person." I took that to mean it wasn't something he wanted. I was upset.

 

WEll, I get back to my hometown and have problems with my family (who I'm living with at the time) and because of that, decide I will actually stay with my friend in NYC until I move abroad for my job. It didn't have anything to do with him, more that I didn't have a place to live and with not really knowing when my job was going to start I didn't want to have to get an apartment. Plus, he didn't seem that keen on staying together anyway.

 

So, we had about a month together before I left for NYC. Things went pretty well. My last night in town I stayed with him. I wrote him a long note thanking him for everything and saying I know we'll see each other again, it's just a matter of when, etc. He asked if I'd be back for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said I didn't know. (keep in mind my family was having a lot of problems at this point). I get to NYC and we're still texting all the time. I realized after a few days in NYC (and talking more with my family and them being more receptive to us working things out) that staying in a small studio in NYC for several months with my friend is not the best thing to do. INstead, I do decide to just stay a month. (Not going to lie, some of it was because I was missing him. But a lot of it was realizing that my idea of just being in NYC for a month was the ideal situation, not three to four months). A few days after being in NYC I tell him I'm thinking about actually coming back because my parents are more willing to work things out with me. His response? "That's cool." Then he ends our relationship on facebook. I give him a few days and ask what this would mean for us. He said he'd love to see me, hang out and take me out, but since he knows I'llbe leaving again for my job abroad, he didn't want to put a label on it. He said he wouldn't be dating other people. (But "dating" is the word. I'm the first person he ever "dated," not just hooked up with. I didn't ask if "dating" means he wouldn't be hooking up with others.)

 

A few days after that I e-mailed him (he hates talking on the phone) and said I couldn't do it half way. I want the long distance while I'm in NYC for three more weeks and a relationship when I'm back in my hometown, but since he doesn't want that, I think we should end things. I haven't heard from him since.

 

Was I too harsh? Part of me thinks I should do the friend thing. But I could already tell the dynamic was changing. He wasn't responding to my texts as much. And to be honest, without that label I wouldn't be able to trust him. Knowing his past hooking up with girls so easily and witnessing his roommate cheat on HIS long distance girlfriend with a co-worker while I was in the apt, I just couldn't do that without myself going crazy.

 

Now I'm thinking about him and what he's doing. but I know if we were doing the "Whatever" thing right now, it'd be killing me wondering what he was doing.

 

I guess more than anything my ego is hurt. I can understand him not wanting to get back into a relationship knowing I'm leaving again soon, but he was the one that wanted to get into one so quickly with the label when I warned him I wouldn't be there. He's the one that is totally cool having had tons of gfs come in and out of his life depending on his mood. So for him not to want to be with me for a few months just makes me thing it was his easy out not to have to be in the relationship anymore.

 

I'm returning to my my hometown in a few weeks and it's going to be hard. Having him this summer was really the only way it was fun. I definitely thought about keeping the lines of communication open just to have someone to hang out with there (I went to college out of state as did all my high school friends). most of the people I hung out with this summer were people I met through him or he knows. So I feel like it's going to be hard.

Sorry this is so long.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Kristie16