PegNosePete Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 It's why I get so frustrated with the "dump their cheating a**" responses. It's an unhelpful and to "pat" a response to a confused, hurting, BS. Each BS has to figure out their own truth and answers. Well I'm certainly glad I got that kind of response! I was totally thrown on D-Day as we all were, I didn't know what to do. I got plenty of that kind of response. It helped me to see the situation more clearly, and what I was up against. I didn't blindly follow what random strangers on the internet said, but I did take it under advisement as "what would a rational person do?". A couple of days later I dumped her cheating a**, and never looked back. If it happens again, it won't take me a couple of days, it'll take me a couple of seconds. So, put me down as a strong supporter of "dump their cheating a**" responses! 1
Snowflower Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Well I'm certainly glad I got that kind of response! I was totally thrown on D-Day as we all were, I didn't know what to do. I got plenty of that kind of response. It helped me to see the situation more clearly, and what I was up against. I didn't blindly follow what random strangers on the internet said, but I did take it under advisement as "what would a rational person do?". A couple of days later I dumped her cheating a**, and never looked back. If it happens again, it won't take me a couple of days, it'll take me a couple of seconds. So, put me down as a strong supporter of "dump their cheating a**" responses! Got it! And like Dex and I were discussing, if it ever were to happen again (Gawd forbid), it would take a couple of seconds for me to say, "get out!" I'm just saying that in the shock of d-day, some introspection is needed first. I'm not saying that a BS should "have" to try to fix it. Some want to and some don't. I'm just saying that taking a little time to think it through first and not react blindly is for the best...when a BS has that opportunity. I know that doesn't always happen on account of the actions by the WS. To the OP, Wicar, thanks for sharing what happened to you. It makes me so sad, especially when you say that you still love her. What a waste. Like I always say, I wish that cheating spouses would marry other cheating spouses and leave those of us who are the faithful types to find spouses who would also be faithful. Alas, it doesn't seem to work that way!
blair08 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 My MIL stayed with her husband who cheated on her for a good part of their marriage. They are both 79, been married for 50 some years. I remember I asked her once along time ago, why she stayed. Her response was, back in her day, people just really didn't get divorced much. She was taught to stay regardless. That's fine,however they never went to counseling, (her husband wouldn't go) He still thinks he has done no wrong. The sad thing is, when I look at her, I see a sad shell of a woman. She has told me before, she has always wondered what her life would have been like if she hadn't stayed. She is very unhappy, very negative, and its pretty pityful. Sometimes I feel bad for her, and other times I don't. After all, she chose to stay. Its not like she didn't work or have any money that she couldn't leave with her kids, because she could, she just chose not to. I think if both people want to work on the marriage and its salvagable, then wonderful, but if not, then to me its time to cut your losses. I really feel my MIL feels she has wasted a good part of her life.
Mimolicious Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Perhaps, some BS have a Martyr Complex. Yeah such a shame... All for the sake of a sausage or a cookie.
piscis Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 LOL so someone having an affair is tantamount to murder? So if your child is an awesome kid extremely respectful great grades just an all around good kid and they suddenly get with the wrong crowd and go through a drug phase does that cancel out what a great kid he is to you or would you forgive him and try to get help? If your father was an awesome dad, involved with all your sports and school activites and then went through a depression for a few months and began drinking and became mean and withdrawn would that cancel out what a great dad he was or would you forgive him and try to get him help? In the child's example they are children and have not built a character yet the MM has a chacarter build and know better than the child the difference between hurting and betrayal and good from bad. In the father's example the father didi not consciuosuly decided today I am going to get depressed the MM decided to have sex and a realtionship with anoter woman. So your examples do not fit the reality, IMO tehy help you justify your H actions. If you forgave him it is great it was your choice at it was his choice to get involved with another woman and cheat on you
Snowflower Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 So your examples do not fit the reality, IMO tehy help you justify your H actions. If you forgave him it is great it was your choice at it was his choice to get involved with another woman and cheat on you Presume much? Geez, where do you get that greengoddess is justifying anything? I'm haven't read where greengoddess has even said outright that her H even had an affair. Sorry, greengoddess, I couldn't resist.
Author wicar1 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 I'm sorry wicar. That must have been heartwrenching. They never even heard you. How did you hold it together and just leave without saying a thing? Well....once I saw them somehow I managed to change my mind into thinking she is not related to me...I tried to picture her as a stranger...I thought to myself two strangers are banging...had I looked her as my wife, may be I might have turned violent and it would have gone bad for everyone...So instead I just walked away thinking they are strangers... I could build a temporary mind temporarily ...just enough for me to get to the motel. When I had the conversation with her (when I went home to say I wanted a divorce) I again tried to think of her as a stranger. It gave me the strength to leave her and neglect her attempts to apologize and explain. After that day whenever she tried to reach me I neglected... The weird part was later from our mutual friends I found out the fact I neglected her had shattered her heart... she had told them getting neglected by me was the worst thing which ever could ever happen to her ...wtf??? She should have known before she started this EA... Anyway...I heard after the divorce..She was on medication for depression and various other things....and yes It was not a happy news to me ...anyway this EA had done damage to both of our lives
Author wicar1 Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 So sorry to hear that to wicar. I can sooo relate. I woke up late one night to get a drink in the kitchen and found "her" with one of my best MARRIED friends on my own deck. My son - (her stepson) - and I were sleeping inside at the time. The pain was indescribable. She was everything to me as well. To this day she is unrepentant. And I am gone now. That was three short months ago. All my best to you, and we'll both make it, we're better off than before... I really believe that, even with all the pain. Best of luck. seems we are in the same boat mate... yes I am sure we'll both make it. My best to you too
EnigmasMuse Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Perhaps, some BS have a Martyr Complex. This is probably the case alot of times. Why can't people leave their partners as soon as they discover infidelity?" I did just that. When I found out my ex husband had been running around, that was it for me. It was a deal breaker for me. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering what he was doing. I no longer wanted to spen the time and energy and put forth the effort to even try, because for so long I had been the one to give and try the most in the marriage, while he just took. I was tired, and I was ready for a new beginning. It was time I took care of me. I think people have to do what works best for them.
piscis Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Neither of your analogies hold any water at all. First, kids will always be kids, that's why the adults are in charge. And are we talking the odd joint, or a steady meth habit? Point of fact I DO know a set of parents who showed their son the door under just those circumstances. They did it to save their other children from him. Throwing their sixteen year old son out in the street turned out to be the best thing they ever did for him. Some time in the big boy's jail straightened his @ss right out. As for the mean father, mental illness takes a pass. That's beyond his control. My own mother was mentally ill all my life. High functioning, but still as crazy as a dancing mouse. Cheaters are generally responsible adults, and infidelity is ALWAYS a choice. An act of freewill. The would be cheater can always choose not to cheat. Of course that's where their capacity for self-deception takes over and they start telling themselves impossibly stupid things such as how they're "entitled to cheat". How "unhappy they are", and how they "deserve some happiness". Any of this sound familiar? You'll find it in just about every betrayer's thread on LS. They cheat because, somewhere deep in their own minds they've made themselves believe that they have some inherent right to do so. JAG 100% agree, I tried to say it on my post but you just didi it lovely!!!
piscis Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Presume much? Geez, where do you get that greengoddess is justifying anything? I'm haven't read where greengoddess has even said outright that her H even had an affair. Sorry, greengoddess, I couldn't resist. You are right I apologize for assuming it was about her own life and H; sorry for that.
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