why can't people leave their partners as soon as they discover infidelity ?

[PegNosePete]

You don't immediately delete them from your life if they are asking for forgiveness and help. Now in an affair if they screw up a second time then they are gone because that was part of the consequences and accountability.

Ah now you're putting qualifiers onto it. If they seek forgiveness and help. If a WS doesn't? If a WS does seek forgiveness and help but is not prepared to go far enough (eg. NC with the OM/OW)? If they seek forgiveness but you do not believe they are genuine? If they seek forgiveness but still want to keep their "privacy"?

 

I do believe a marriage can work after infidelity but it has lot of conditions which must be met. The BS should not automatically take the WS back, just because they have been together for 20 years.

[Owl]

The BS should not automatically take the WS back, just because they have been together for 20 years.

 

This I agree with.

 

I'd also say that "The BS should not automatically end the marriage just because of d-day.".

 

There's a decision PROCESS that should be made here...not a knee-jerk response that should occur in EITHER direction.

 

And I personally dislike the veiled insult in the OP that made it sound like there's something wrong with people who DON'T just automatically rush to the divorce lawyers on d-day.

 

There are absolutely situations that should end in divorce...and situations that can absolutely result in a well-recovered marriage.

 

Either answer may be the correct one, with nothing "wrong" with the people who make either choice.

[greengoddess]

Ah now you're putting qualifiers onto it. If they seek forgiveness and help. If a WS doesn't? If a WS does seek forgiveness and help but is not prepared to go far enough (eg. NC with the OM/OW)? If they seek forgiveness but you do not believe they are genuine? If they seek forgiveness but still want to keep their "privacy"?

 

I do believe a marriage can work after infidelity but it has lot of conditions which must be met. The BS should not automatically take the WS back, just because they have been together for 20 years.

 

 

Of course there are qualifiers on it. The original question was why can't people leave their partners as soon as there is infidelity and the qualifiers are why. Of course the immediate reaction is to dump their ass and tell them to go get their lover. Then the qualifiers begin as the spouses talk about the whys hows and what the affair meant.

[Dexter Morgan]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

 

if you have been around enough, you would know that I'm a definite supporter of dumping them toot sweet.

 

But I wasn't like this on d-day when I was married.

 

Alot of emotions take one over when they find out they have been cheated on.

 

In my case, desperation was one of them. I didn't want to bear the thought of divorce for a number of reasons...my kids would be uprooted from the home they love, thinking I wasn't a man...and yes, the cost of divorce.

 

I wasn't thinking clearly as it is devestating. And I consider cheating to be a form of emotional abuse, intentional or not. It plays with ones mind if they really haven't ever dealt with this kind of blow before.

 

But after a few weeks, I was able to calm down, think rationally, and realize that there is NO reason to stay with someone that couldn't be trusted and that would do something so callous to me.

 

So I divorced her after I started thinking clearly and was no longer devestated and desperate. I realized my kids would be fine, and I would recover financially. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to look at her on a daily basis and think that I'm wasting my life away.

 

So why don't people immediately leave? Because finding out is devastating and people don't think clearly when they first find out.

 

Now that I've been through that, I won't be as devastated and know in my mind that there isn't anything to think about...they cheat, they need to get out.

[WowReally]

- Lack of self-esteem. Some think that no-one will ever love them if they become single again.

 

- Afraid of the "unknown": people think "if this person that I loved the most, could so such a terrible thing to me, I wonder what other person would do to me - probably worst". It's better to be with the "devil you already know"

 

- Confort: some people prefer to be cuckolds and live a life of stability in a beautiful house, rather than have to rent a lousy apartment and live alone like when they were kids.

 

- Social status: some people are so futile and proud that they don't want to admit before the world that they were wrong in their choices and that their marriage was a mistake. It can be tough to have to admit that the person X, who you were so eager to introduce to your friends and family (and who, in so many cases, forced you to cut contact with some friends and family) was really an SOB.

 

- Possession: as Stillafool stated there are persons who, in a sort of unconscious way, want to hold the person, as if to prove to themselves that they are the "special one".

 

- Love? : we love a person and want to make that person love us: alas, we can't force anyone to love us.

 

Ditto - I like the love bullet too because if the above bullets are true love isnt really part of it. Convenience, yes! Guilt plays a big part too!

[What_Next]

There are as many reasons why us BS don't leave right away as there are reasons for the WS to try and justifiy the affair. In my case once I discovered the PA I knew I would leave. I had to. I also knew I would divorce, I had to.

 

Now does that mean the end of any relationship forever? Not necessarily. I could not just "leave" right away due to financial concerns and our child. I had to make the right decision and exit the prudent way. There was absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I would get my own place and divorce once I discovered the affair though.

 

With 20 years of history and a child involved the ultimate decision to forgo any future relationship is a tougher one. In the end though I just cannot bring myself right now to trust her again. In the longer run, who knows, but right now I will cannot/will not.

 

This is a bit of a loaded question.

[Minnie09]

I always say that an A itself is less revealing than the way things are being handled after DDay. The latter says a LOT more about whether it is worth the effort, i.e. if the WS deserves a second chance. IOW, an A CAN happen (shouldn't, of course), but if the lying continues after DDay, plus there's no remorse and the WS expects the BS to move on and forgive and forget without contributing to a successful "recovery" (in addition, of course, to just ending the A), it's not worth it.

 

I learned a valuable lesson being the BS: Don't forgive, if you haven't been asked to forgive. Genuine remorse opens a lot of doors. And because I wasn't given that, I had to leave. I would have stayed, if he had handled it differently.

[Spark1111]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

 

I was taught by a very wise therapist to NEVER make a life-altering decision in the heat of the moment of an emotional crises or trauma.

 

The rule of thumb is one year: Whether you live with them, separate from them, decide to reconcile with them, or to divorce them.

 

That way, your decision is made from a position of strength, not vulnerability.

 

Then, there can be no regrets, no matter what you decide.

[Mimolicious]

What about: "Why can't people leave their partners as soon as they discover they are MARRIED"?

 

I love the principle that is applied, time after time. "YOU leave because I've arrived, so I get to stay with YOUR cheating spouse because that is dandy but if you want to stay, you are lame!"- classic!

 

Which one came first, the chicken or the egg? We will never get it.

The same with people not leaving their M after infidelity occurs. We will never get it. My business is not to get it, my business is not to be in it.

 

I stayed because I wanted to. Because I loved my xH, because I had kids, because I had a home and a life set up with someone that I spent my teens and 20's with. With someone that lied and cried because perhaps, somewhere deep down inside he wanted to stay too yet he f'ed up larger than life and left with his alternate choice. Life goes on... took me years to see it but I did. I live better and now he is broken, so who got what?!

 

There are plenty of men in the world, for me to waste my priceless life loving a broken one. I will always love him but the guy that I married, not the man I divorced. He never deserved me. If I knew then...

[JAGeezer]

LOL so someone having an affair is tantamount to murder?

 

Yes, I'd agree with that assessment. It's a way to murder someone's spirit, while leaving them alive and more or less functioning. The person they were is dead and will never exist in this world again.. The cheater and their AP "murdered" that person in cold blood because they wanted to have some illicit fun and didn't give a cr@p for the consequences to anyone.

 

So if your child is an awesome kid extremely respectful great grades just an all around good kid and they suddenly get with the wrong crowd and go through a drug phase does that cancel out what a great kid he is to you or would you forgive him and try to get help?

 

If your father was an awesome dad, involved with all your sports and school activites and then went through a depression for a few months and began drinking and became mean and withdrawn would that cancel out what a great dad he was or would you forgive him and try to get him help?

 

Neither of your analogies hold any water at all.

 

First, kids will always be kids, that's why the adults are in charge. And are we talking the odd joint, or a steady meth habit? Point of fact I DO know a set of parents who showed their son the door under just those circumstances. They did it to save their other children from him. Throwing their sixteen year old son out in the street turned out to be the best thing they ever did for him. Some time in the big boy's jail straightened his @ss right out.

 

As for the mean father, mental illness takes a pass. That's beyond his control. My own mother was mentally ill all my life. High functioning, but still as crazy as a dancing mouse.

 

Cheaters are generally responsible adults, and infidelity is ALWAYS a choice. An act of freewill. The would be cheater can always choose not to cheat. Of course that's where their capacity for self-deception takes over and they start telling themselves impossibly stupid things such as how they're "entitled to cheat". How "unhappy they are", and how they "deserve some happiness". Any of this sound familiar? You'll find it in just about every betrayer's thread on LS. They cheat because, somewhere deep in their own minds they've made themselves believe that they have some inherent right to do so.

 

JAG

[Hazyhead]

There are plenty of men in the world, for me to waste my priceless life loving a broken one. I will always love him but the guy that I married, not the man I divorced. He never deserved me. If I knew then...

 

This is a great attitude to have, Mimo. We could all learn from it.

[Snowflower]

I love these types of threads.

 

I mean who the heck cares if someone else decides to stay in their marriage after infidelity.

 

Whose business is it anyway, except for the BS involved?

[Mimolicious]

This is a great attitude to have, Mimo. We could all learn from it.

 

 

Hi Hazy and ironically- JAGee posted something that has to do a lot with that attitude.

 

It's a way to murder someone's spirit, while leaving them alive and more or less functioning. The person they were is dead and will never exist in this world again.. The cheater and their AP "murdered" that person in cold blood because they wanted to have some illicit fun and didn't give a cr@p for the consequences to anyone.

 

Yes, my xH killed me. He killed the person he M, the little girl he met when she was 16 full of dreams, unicorns and rainbows. The person who supported his dreams and stood by his failures. He killed the flying little red things I had for him and for many things in life but because he didn't physically get to kill me, I actually get to bloom again.

 

If I met him today- I would not look at him twice. So I have to thank him for raising me well. HA HA! Now, I pity him. I really do. Who would want to stay with someone so lost!?

 

Thank you baby Jesus in diapers.

[JAGeezer]

I love these types of threads.

 

I mean who the heck cares if someone else decides to stay in their marriage after infidelity.

 

Whose business is it anyway, except for the BS involved?

 

S'truth, but an opinion was asked. I gave mine. Based on my own experience I would never stay with someone who cheated, nor would I ever advise anyone to do so under any circumstances.

 

That being said, if someone wants to take a shot at saving their marriage, more power to them, I'll even stick my two-cents in to try and help. Everyone is different, yet still depressingly the same. People still cheat and are cheated upon.. They try to reconcile. A few will succeed magnificently. More will try, end up wishing they hadn't, and either divorce and end up living half a life with someone they barely recognize anymore. Most won't even bother. In my book they're the smart ones, but humans do love to gamble, with and about everything. If they didn't the lottery would go broke. So you can't blame a BS who's in a gambling sort of mood...

 

Once upon a time I gambled on my WS and lost, and nearly lost my life. Never ever again. Not for anyone. No matter how sorry they claim to be. It isn't worth betting my life.

 

JAG

[TinaniT]

They have years of commitment and love and history, normally, and their partner is either sorry or claims to be sorry... They want to honor what they had and believe they can move past it. Maybe they have kids and think it's worth more to try to make it work in order to keep the family together. The BS might want to make the better decision regardless of the choices of the WS.

 

If both partners want to make it work seriously, then I don't think that should be denigrated but applauded because it takes strength.

 

No use holding on to what you clearly don't have, but that is not the case when the WS apologizes and wants to stay together, that's something that can be fought for if the WS is willing to work and the BS has the desire and the strength.

[blizzard]

If you are not married and you are cheated on or newly married RUN but many times people have been married ten plus years with so many binds that tie them.

 

I agree with Bobby too. You spend half a lifetime with your spouse knowing what a really great person they are. Knowing the kind of father they are, friend and husband. What a good heart they have. A couple of months of really bad behavior does not cancel out half a lifetime of good behavior. You know that the person they were in the affair was not the real them. The real person has proven himself daily to you for ten plus years. After dday, you see that real person again. The kind loving one you have built so much with. You see their remorse and their love for you and you know they have made the biggest mistake in their life and will do everything they can to fix it.

 

Wicar what is your story? Curious because all you have ever posted is one line DIVORCE the slut type of stuff.

 

I don't find it odd that husbands and wives who have shared so much from buying a first home, job promotion celebrations, anniversaries, the wonders of preganancy and the beauty of childbith together. I find it odd that the other man or woman wants to stay with the married person even after a dday. You don't have years of memories tied into them. You don't know the man or woman before they become this creature who has learned to lie so skillfully and cheat with you. You know the wicked, lying person not the person the betrayed husband or wife built a lifetime around.

 

There's one ow who spent ten years going back and forth with a married man. That is just insane behavior to me on all three of their parts. The husband, the wife and the ow but most especially the ow because she has nothing to tie her to him. I swear om/ow give these people a free pass on bad behavior because they are married. You would never allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you the way a married person does. I can't even imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call my boyfriend because he as on a date with his wife. That is nuts.

 

It's sad isn't it? To have shared so much throughout the years and have it fall to pieces.

But for WS to profess his love to another woman and promise her a future...I couldn't stay with my WS. To know he was intimately showing and telling OW he loved her while professing them same to me or even "bashing" me. That is unforgivable.

[Woggle]

Some people have not learned to respect themselves yet. If my wife ever cheats she is out the door. That is a dealbreaker.

[wheelwright]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

 

I reckon that cheaters - the non-sleazy non-player types that do seem to exist - are often very warm and charismatic people.Some are honest to boot. Many have a conscience. That's why two people want them in the first place, when so many find trouble finding even one... They are A list partners?

 

They are attractive. Of course their SO wants to keep them.

 

If trust is your main thing however, you may find you regret this kind of a R. Especially if you feel you have to strive to be as alluring as your partner. Go for someone less effervescent, more dowdy. More true.

 

(Sorry - only devil's advocate - but hey?)

[eeyore1981]

OP, you have to be practical.

 

Maybe you have unlimited funds available but many of us don't.

 

When you divorce, if you have minor children, you have to set up two households. Oftentimes one or both of the divorcing spouses don't have jobs; or they aren't earning enough; or their job situation is precarious.

 

If you have a good family plan for health insurance, once divorced, the other spouse has to get their own plan. This can also be very costly.

 

No matter what the provocation, even cheating, the realities of actually getting divorced and splitting a family up, and all the costs that entails, is NOT something anyone should ever take lightly.

 

Yes many decide they must get divorced from a cheating and/or unrepentant spouse, and that's fine. However that is a HARD decision, not an "EASY" one.

 

BBM

 

For me, staying or leaving, both were hard. For a lot of us, especially those in LTR, there is so much more to consider besides just your feelings towards the WS.

[james3232]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

 

 

Well............I found out my ex of 11 years was cheating at 7:30AM and by 10AM she was living somewhere else, my choice not hers, broke my heart and damn near caused me to suicide, but it had to be done.............So I get what you mean, but everyone is different and a sweeping generalisation like the question you posed is very difficult, if not impossible to answer.

[SidLyon]

if you have been around enough, you would know that I'm a definite supporter of dumping them toot sweet.

 

But I wasn't like this on d-day when I was married.

 

Alot of emotions take one over when they find out they have been cheated on.

 

In my case, desperation was one of them. I didn't want to bear the thought of divorce for a number of reasons...my kids would be uprooted from the home they love, thinking I wasn't a man...and yes, the cost of divorce.

 

I wasn't thinking clearly as it is devestating. And I consider cheating to be a form of emotional abuse, intentional or not. It plays with ones mind if they really haven't ever dealt with this kind of blow before.

 

But after a few weeks, I was able to calm down, think rationally, and realize that there is NO reason to stay with someone that couldn't be trusted and that would do something so callous to me.

 

So I divorced her after I started thinking clearly and was no longer devestated and desperate. I realized my kids would be fine, and I would recover financially. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to look at her on a daily basis and think that I'm wasting my life away.

 

So why don't people immediately leave? Because finding out is devastating and people don't think clearly when they first find out.

 

Now that I've been through that, I won't be as devastated and know in my mind that there isn't anything to think about...they cheat, they need to get out.

 

I'm glad you posted this DM because I feel/felt similarly around d-day.

 

I have stayed much longer than a few weeks (the 2nd anniversary of d-day is fast approaching) so our marriage is nearly reconciled and I'm feeling much more normal and very happy.

 

My fWH is behaving himself and we have a close relationship now. But because I'm feeling so much better now I often think about "what if" I were to decide at some stage in the future that it would have been better to end it all, and that a marriage with serious infidelity in its past is not worth being in. Would i have been in an even better place by now if I'd have ended our marriage soon after d-day?

 

These are questions to which I have no answer. I'm happy now but I suppose if I ever do become unhappy again I won't feel the same constraints in deciding to end the marriage. Sadly the knowledge that we may not always be together is one of the prices to be paid by both of us.

[wheelwright]

if you have been around enough, you would know that I'm a definite supporter of dumping them toot sweet.

 

But I wasn't like this on d-day when I was married.

 

Alot of emotions take one over when they find out they have been cheated on.

 

In my case, desperation was one of them. I didn't want to bear the thought of divorce for a number of reasons...my kids would be uprooted from the home they love, thinking I wasn't a man...and yes, the cost of divorce.

 

I wasn't thinking clearly as it is devestating. And I consider cheating to be a form of emotional abuse, intentional or not. It plays with ones mind if they really haven't ever dealt with this kind of blow before.

 

But after a few weeks, I was able to calm down, think rationally, and realize that there is NO reason to stay with someone that couldn't be trusted and that would do something so callous to me.

 

So I divorced her after I started thinking clearly and was no longer devestated and desperate. I realized my kids would be fine, and I would recover financially. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to look at her on a daily basis and think that I'm wasting my life away.

 

So why don't people immediately leave? Because finding out is devastating and people don't think clearly when they first find out.

 

Now that I've been through that, I won't be as devastated and know in my mind that there isn't anything to think about...they cheat, they need to get out.

 

I find this post so honest and lacking in guile that it deserves a star.

 

I will remember you Dexter Morgan.

[Snowflower]

if you have been around enough, you would know that I'm a definite supporter of dumping them toot sweet.

 

But I wasn't like this on d-day when I was married.

 

Alot of emotions take one over when they find out they have been cheated on.

 

In my case, desperation was one of them. I didn't want to bear the thought of divorce for a number of reasons...my kids would be uprooted from the home they love, thinking I wasn't a man...and yes, the cost of divorce.

 

I wasn't thinking clearly as it is devestating. And I consider cheating to be a form of emotional abuse, intentional or not. It plays with ones mind if they really haven't ever dealt with this kind of blow before.

 

But after a few weeks, I was able to calm down, think rationally, and realize that there is NO reason to stay with someone that couldn't be trusted and that would do something so callous to me.

 

So I divorced her after I started thinking clearly and was no longer devestated and desperate. I realized my kids would be fine, and I would recover financially. Most importantly, I wouldn't have to look at her on a daily basis and think that I'm wasting my life away.

 

So why don't people immediately leave? Because finding out is devastating and people don't think clearly when they first find out.

 

Now that I've been through that, I won't be as devastated and know in my mind that there isn't anything to think about...they cheat, they need to get out.

 

Great post. Dex, you and I don't agree on the idea of reconciliation after an affair so you really put it well here. You weren't all "kick 'em to the curb" on d-day either. On d-day, or shortly thereafter, you (general you) sometimes have no idea what to do. Like you said, people don't think clearly.

 

I will always advocate that people wait awhile before deciding one way or the other. Even if you think you know what you want to do. Wait it out for a little while if you can. It's a huge decision, a life-changing one, either way and not something to made when one is angry, in extreme emotional pain, confused, etc.

 

My marriage is very likely ending in part because of my H's affair. At nearly two years out, it doesn't seem to "go away" for us. However, I am glad that I invested that time in trying to fix it. We had some good times these past couple of years as we tried to reconcile. We were together as a family as our son graduated from high school, rather than sitting on opposite sides of the room as divorced parents. I learned a lot about myself and there is a certain peace in knowing that I gave it my all.

 

So, even though the knee-jerk reaction is to "kicking their cheating butt to the curb" and I said the same thing years before it happened, I'm glad I waited to be sure.

Edited September 21, 2010 by Snowflower

[bentnotbroken]

I have the utmost respect for those willing to try to repair/rebuild their relationships. It takes great strength and courage to look inward and deal with the things that helped to contribute to the demise of the marriage. I especially like hearing the stories of those making it work. But I can't discount the strength and courage it takes to walk away when you know you have met your limit, whether they are remorseful or not. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to stay. And staying doesn't make you weak or a doormat.

[crazycatlady]

I have the utmost respect for those willing to try to repair/rebuild their relationships. It takes great strength and courage to look inward and deal with the things that helped to contribute to the demise of the marriage. I especially like hearing the stories of those making it work. But I can't discount the strength and courage it takes to walk away when you know you have met your limit, whether they are remorseful or not. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to stay. And staying doesn't make you weak or a doormat.

 

Totally get this. Totally.

 

Bent we don't often agree, but this, this I dig. Since this place doesn't have a "like" button, I had to copy it again and add a little to it. So here's my version of the LIKE.

 

Know what you can and can't take. Rebuilding takes work, compromise, and sometimes letting go of resentment if possible. But if you hit your limit, you need to walk away and not let others influence. And walk away before you get bitter, angry, and lose yourself in the process. At the same time, if you want to try, you should try and not let people influence. Your limit is the key. Be true to yourself above all. Especially when you aren't sure the other person is true to either you or theirself even.

 

CCL