why can't people leave their partners as soon as they discover infidelity ?

[wicar1]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

[stillafool]

This is pretty much the way I feel about it also. I don't think one can ever look at that person the same way again. I know I couldn't. Also I don't want to police someone to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I'd rather move on completely and forget I ever knew them. That said, most people are so emotionally involved the thought of their loved one cheating is enough to make them want that person even more. Lots of times it becomes more of a competitive thing and then there are others who take the stand of "I'm not letting anyone take what was mine" attitude. Of course there are married people who feel they have to stay for the "kids" and other "financial" reasons. I think that is all poppykot as if they really cared about the kids they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. So there you have it my friend, I am just as confused as to why people stay with Cheaters as you are.

[TigerCub]

This is pretty much the way I feel about it also. I don't think one can ever look at that person the same way again. I know I couldn't. Also I don't want to police someone to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I'd rather move on completely and forget I ever knew them. That said, most people are so emotionally involved the thought of their loved one cheating is enough to make them want that person even more. Lots of times it becomes more of a competitive thing and then there are others who take the stand of "I'm not letting anyone take what was mine" attitude. Of course there are married people who feel they have to stay for the "kids" and other "financial" reasons. I think that is all poppykot as if they really cared about the kids they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. So there you have it my friend, I am just as confused as to why people stay with Cheaters as you are.

Awesome post stillafool!

Exactly what I was thinking!

[LucreziaBorgia]

A vast number of people who stay do so for the same reason you don't junk your car when you get a flat tire. For them, a relationship is an investment worth working to keep and rebuild.

[YellowShark]

A vast number of people who stay do so for the same reason you don't junk your car when you get a flat tire. For them, a relationship is an investment worth working to keep and rebuild.

 

That's my story. I wanted to leave, in fact my bags were literally packed. But after we sat on the couch and spoke we decided together not to throw away what we had invested over 4 years.

 

We did the therapy thing, set goals and boundaries, and forged ahead. Alas 2 years later it happened again. She cheated again. This time I was out the door in 4 days flat without negotiation.

 

Once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

[crazycatlady]

For f**** sake why can't you people leave your partners as soon as you know they are cheating .... What's the point in saving a relationship with a cheater?...Once you lose trust you can never build it.....?

 

I don't believe that so why should I leave?

 

I trust him. I don't check up on him. I love him. This relationship brings more happiness and joy into my life then it does pain. THe good far out weighs the bad. Life is not black and white. He screwed up, he got selfish for a period of time, he has bent over backwards to make it up to me and all without my asking him to do so. Its things he has chosen to do to prove to me I am where he wants to be.

 

Sure there are still some lingering issues to deal with his infidelity, but none of it has to do with him specifically. I trust him.

 

It was harder getting through some earlier issues we went through then this was.

 

Not everything is cut and dried. I wouldn't dream of telling someone they should try and work out their marriage. I also don't think its right for someone to tell someone else to dump the cheating so-n-so. Each person has to decide for themselves the path they wish to take. No one else can know if the joy and happiness is worth the risk of pain further down. Or if the pain overcomes the joy and happiness that had been there before. No one but the persons involved.

[datura_noir]

When I first started posting here, I always questioned "Why be an OP?" I couldn't understand how people got involved with a MP. The replies were along the line of "never say never!" As in, you don't know what you would do until faced with that situation.

 

I could easily turn the question around and ask "Why stay with a MM/MW when you find out they are married?" You seel, I was an OW many years ago, and when I found out he was married, I shut him out-no explanations or drama. It was that easy.

 

So, never say never.

[bohogirl]

People stay because they believe it is in their best interests to do so.

 

No one willingly sacrifices themselves for no gain. You may not understand the rationale but the BS does and is at peace with it.

 

Each to their own.

[karnak]

- Lack of self-esteem. Some think that no-one will ever love them if they become single again.

 

- Afraid of the "unknown": people think "if this person that I loved the most, could so such a terrible thing to me, I wonder what other person would do to me - probably worst". It's better to be with the "devil you already know"

 

- Confort: some people prefer to be cuckolds and live a life of stability in a beautiful house, rather than have to rent a lousy apartment and live alone like when they were kids.

 

- Social status: some people are so futile and proud that they don't want to admit before the world that they were wrong in their choices and that their marriage was a mistake. It can be tough to have to admit that the person X, who you were so eager to introduce to your friends and family (and who, in so many cases, forced you to cut contact with some friends and family) was really an SOB.

 

- Possession: as Stillafool stated there are persons who, in a sort of unconscious way, want to hold the person, as if to prove to themselves that they are the "special one".

 

- Love? : we love a person and want to make that person love us: alas, we can't force anyone to love us.

[JAGeezer]

In my case? I was a stupid fool. She said she was sorry and that it would never happen again, and I believed her. Of course the whole "let's make another baby as a part of our reconciliation" sex thing may have been clouding my judgment. I was younger back then. It goes with the stupid.

 

JAG

[bentnotbroken]

- Lack of self-esteem. Some think that no-one will ever love them if they become single again.

 

- Afraid of the "unknown": people think "if this person that I loved the most, could so such a terrible thing to me, I wonder what other person would do to me - probably worst". It's better to be with the "devil you already know"

 

- Confort: some people prefer to be cuckolds and live a life of stability in a beautiful house, rather than have to rent a lousy apartment and live alone like when they were kids.

 

- Social status: some people are so futile and proud that they don't want to admit before the world that they were wrong in their choices and that their marriage was a mistake. It can be tough to have to admit that the person X, who you were so eager to introduce to your friends and family (and who, in so many cases, forced you to cut contact with some friends and family) was really an SOB.

 

- Possession: as Stillafool stated there are persons who, in a sort of unconscious way, want to hold the person, as if to prove to themselves that they are the "special one".

 

- Love? : we love a person and want to make that person love us: alas, we can't force anyone to love us.

 

 

Agreed. Good post. I would just add revenge. Payback is a b!tch and staying married to make someone suffer is also a reason. Sadly.

[blizzard]

Ignorance is bliss.

 

Some WS downplay the affair. The BS is manipulated into believing more lies. Which happened in my xMM case. We were iming buddies, and had a few lunch dates for a year. He forgot to mention that he said he loved me and that we had EA and PA. And she believes this to be true...

 

Other WS may even "blame" the BS...which is even more sad. Once again, happened in my xMM case.

 

Some BS blame the OW more instead of the WS. Yep. Happened in xMM case.

 

Even social pressure may leave a BS to want to work it out. His/her family may encourage her to work it out. If the family is old school, many believe it was "just" an affair...it happens...work it out. That divorce is taboo. If no one is physically abused or your WS isn't a drunk...hang in there at all costs.

 

I will go as far as to say, finances. And caring for onesself alone. My xMM and his BS had no children. And she was frugle. And dependent on him when she didn't need to be. Taking care of utilities and mortgage on one salary and not having much to put in the bank frightens some.

 

And last, but not least...I think it takes self-confidence and self-esteem for a BS to move on. Divorcing and taking a step into the abyss is tough. And if BS lacks esteem and confidence then it's hard to move ahead. Very much happened in xMM case.

 

I don't believe one stays for love. If they do, they don't know what love truly is...

[Bobby2010]

Because many of us had a belief that the person who betrayed us wasn't the "real" person we know (knew).

 

We'd never seen this side of them, it's quite overwhelming.

 

In a perfect world I agree, we would all just have said f*ck you, and moved on. It doesn't work that way though. Especially when there is so much invested into the relationship.

[eeyore1981]

And I have to disagree with this, just speaking for myself.

 

- Lack of self-esteem. Some think that no-one will ever love them if they become single again.

 

I DO have some self-esteem issues, but nothing major. I had some panicked moments right after D-day thinking no one would ever be with me again, but the reality for me is people (men and women) are attracted to me, and this wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

- Afraid of the "unknown": people think "if this person that I loved the most, could so such a terrible thing to me, I wonder what other person would do to me - probably worst". It's better to be with the "devil you already know".

 

I had to laugh at this one. The things my parents did to me are 10 times worse than anything my H could ever do to me, so this for me is a non-issue.

 

- Confort: some people prefer to be cuckolds and live a life of stability in a beautiful house, rather than have to rent a lousy apartment and live alone like when they were kids..

 

I'm financially self-sufficient, and when I was looking online for places to move, I was more attracted to small apartments than anything like the house I live in now. My requirements are a bug- and rodent-free living space with a big enough kitchen to make dinners for friends.

 

- Social status: some people are so futile and proud that they don't want to admit before the world that they were wrong in their choices and that their marriage was a mistake. It can be tough to have to admit that the person X, who you were so eager to introduce to your friends and family (and who, in so many cases, forced you to cut contact with some friends and family) was really an SOB..

 

After D-day, I told EVERYONE. If it wouldn't have hurt my kids, I would have taken out a full-page ad in the paper. I have no shame whatsoever (and don't understand why others do) that my H cheated. That's on him, not me.

 

- Possession: as Stillafool stated there are persons who, in a sort of unconscious way, want to hold the person, as if to prove to themselves that they are the "special one"..

 

At first, I did have some thoughts of "Why should I let her have what I worked so hard to build?" but that didn't last very long at all. It turned into, "Go for it, and don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out."

 

- Love? : we love a person and want to make that person love us: alas, we can't force anyone to love us.

 

I do love my H, but I don't try to MAKE or FORCE him to love me. I wouldn't even know how to do that, especially after being with someone for over 20 years. I am who I am, love me or don't.

 

I really like this question. I always thought I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me, and to be honest, this has been very, very hard to work past.

 

I don't think when someone cheats it necessarily means they do not still love their SO. I've seen a lot of dynamics, my own included, where an A comes from the WS having low self-esteem, and not feeling balanced in their marriage, and not having the skills to fix the problems they are having.

[greengoddess]

If you are not married and you are cheated on or newly married RUN but many times people have been married ten plus years with so many binds that tie them.

 

I agree with Bobby too. You spend half a lifetime with your spouse knowing what a really great person they are. Knowing the kind of father they are, friend and husband. What a good heart they have. A couple of months of really bad behavior does not cancel out half a lifetime of good behavior. You know that the person they were in the affair was not the real them. The real person has proven himself daily to you for ten plus years. After dday, you see that real person again. The kind loving one you have built so much with. You see their remorse and their love for you and you know they have made the biggest mistake in their life and will do everything they can to fix it.

 

Wicar what is your story? Curious because all you have ever posted is one line DIVORCE the slut type of stuff.

 

I don't find it odd that husbands and wives who have shared so much from buying a first home, job promotion celebrations, anniversaries, the wonders of preganancy and the beauty of childbith together. I find it odd that the other man or woman wants to stay with the married person even after a dday. You don't have years of memories tied into them. You don't know the man or woman before they become this creature who has learned to lie so skillfully and cheat with you. You know the wicked, lying person not the person the betrayed husband or wife built a lifetime around.

 

There's one ow who spent ten years going back and forth with a married man. That is just insane behavior to me on all three of their parts. The husband, the wife and the ow but most especially the ow because she has nothing to tie her to him. I swear om/ow give these people a free pass on bad behavior because they are married. You would never allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to treat you the way a married person does. I can't even imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call my boyfriend because he as on a date with his wife. That is nuts.

[karnak]

And I have to disagree with this, just speaking for myself.

 

 

 

I DO have some self-esteem issues, but nothing major. I had some panicked moments right after D-day thinking no one would ever be with me again, but the reality for me is people (men and women) are attracted to me, and this wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

 

 

I had to laugh at this one. The things my parents did to me are 10 times worse than anything my H could ever do to me, so this for me is a non-issue.

 

 

 

I'm financially self-sufficient, and when I was looking online for places to move, I was more attracted to small apartments than anything like the house I live in now. My requirements are a bug- and rodent-free living space with a big enough kitchen to make dinners for friends.

 

 

 

After D-day, I told EVERYONE. If it wouldn't have hurt my kids, I would have taken out a full-page ad in the paper. I have no shame whatsoever (and don't understand why others do) that my H cheated. That's on him, not me.

 

 

 

At first, I did have some thoughts of "Why should I let her have what I worked so hard to build?" but that didn't last very long at all. It turned into, "Go for it, and don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out."

 

 

 

I do love my H, but I don't try to MAKE or FORCE him to love me. I wouldn't even know how to do that, especially after being with someone for over 20 years. I am who I am, love me or don't.

 

I really like this question. I always thought I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me, and to be honest, this has been very, very hard to work past.

 

I don't think when someone cheats it necessarily means they do not still love their SO. I've seen a lot of dynamics, my own included, where an A comes from the WS having low self-esteem, and not feeling balanced in their marriage, and not having the skills to fix the problems they are having.

 

These were just some reasons. They don't necessarily apply to everyone.

 

So, in brief, what are your reasons for staying with your husband?

[greengoddess]

I agree eeyore about the self esteem. In many cases it is the married person with the poor self esteem and they find themselves not being able to resist the ego boost the attention of another gives them. It's a temporary fix for poor self esteem and ends up hurting their esteem more when they realize what they have done to their families and who they have done it with. Many many times they affair down.

[eeyore1981]

These were just some reasons. They don't necessarily apply to everyone.

 

So, in brief, what are your reasons for staying with your husband?

 

Lol, that's why I said I like this question. IMO it's a question which requires some serious thinking, which is what I'm doing right now. I have the feelings, but have to work on making them more specific so I can translate them into words.

[PegNosePete]

A couple of months of really bad behavior does not cancel out half a lifetime of good behavior.

Yes it does. I'd like to see a murderer try that at a trial. "Yeah I killed him but what's a few seconds of frantic stabbing compared to a lifetime of good behaviour?"

 

You know that the person they were in the affair was not the real them. The real person has proven himself daily to you for ten plus years. After dday, you see that real person again. The kind loving one you have built so much with. You see their remorse and their love for you and you know they have made the biggest mistake in their life and will do everything they can to fix it.

I couldn't disagree with you more. Nobody is not the "real" them. Everyone is real except for artificial intelligences, and there is even debate about that! The only people who can get away with not being the real them are schizophrenics. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. An affair is never a mistake, it's always a choice.

[greengoddess]

LOL so someone having an affair is tantamount to murder?

 

So if your child is an awesome kid extremely respectful great grades just an all around good kid and they suddenly get with the wrong crowd and go through a drug phase does that cancel out what a great kid he is to you or would you forgive him and try to get help?

 

If your father was an awesome dad, involved with all your sports and school activites and then went through a depression for a few months and began drinking and became mean and withdrawn would that cancel out what a great dad he was or would you forgive him and try to get him help?

[karnak]

 

I agree with Bobby too. You spend half a lifetime with your spouse knowing what a really great person they are. Knowing the kind of father they are, friend and husband. What a good heart they have. A couple of months of really bad behavior does not cancel out half a lifetime of good behavior. You know that the person they were in the affair was not the real them. The real person has proven himself daily to you for ten plus years. After dday, you see that real person again. The kind loving one you have built so much with. You see their remorse and their love for you and you know they have made the biggest mistake in their life and will do everything they can to fix it.

 

I have to disagree with you on that, GG. From my personal experience. I unfortunately know all too well what it is to have a relationship with a "wonderful" person. Someone who supported you in your life. Who offered you frienship and kind words. Someone who despised treachery and dishonesty.

 

In the end, that same person robbed me of 25.000$ and almost got me in court for things I had never done. When confronted with the horror and the trachery that same person denied everything, always claiming it was not her fault. She cried and sobbed, always denying everything, even when I rubbed the evidence in her face.

 

That person almost destroyed my life. The same person who claimed to love me and cherish my friendship was trying to completely destroy me, with the sole purpose of attaining her selfish goals.

 

She tried to seduce me and lead me to marry her. Yet, since Day 1 I was nothing but a mere tool to her. To this she still can't admit she did nothing wrong. She's such a self-absorbed psycho that she always thinks she's a victim and never the criminal.

 

Summarizing: there are people who will claim to love you, and say you are the most important person in their lives - yet they are really only leading you on and don't give a **** about you.

[greengoddess]

I have to disagree with you on that, GG. From my personal experience. I unfortunately know all too well what it is to have a relationship with a "wonderful" person. Someone who supported you in your life. Who offered you frienship and kind words. Someone who despised treachery and dishonesty.

 

In the end, that same person robbed me of 25.000$ and almost got me in court for things I had never done. When confronted with the horror and the trachery that same person denied everything, always claiming it was not her fault. She cried and sobbed, always denying everything, even when I rubbed the evidence in her face.

 

That person almost destroyed my life. The same person who claimed to love me and cherish my friendship was trying to completely destroy me, with the sole purpose of attaining her selfish goals.

 

She tried to seduce me and lead me to marry her. Yet, since Day 1 I was nothing but a mere tool to her. To this she still can't admit she did nothing wrong. She's such a self-absorbed psycho that she always thinks she's a victim and never the criminal.

 

Summarizing: there are people who will claim to love you, and say you are the most important person in their lives - yet they are really only leading you on and don't give a **** about you.

 

and that is the toxic kind of person that you would immediately kick to the curb.

[PegNosePete]

LOL so someone having an affair is tantamount to murder?

Straw man. Don't put words into my mouth!

 

So if your child is an awesome kid extremely respectful great grades just an all around good kid and they suddenly get with the wrong crowd and go through a drug phase does that cancel out what a great kid he is to you or would you forgive him and try to get help?

I would hold the kid accountable and responsible for his actions. He made the choice to get in with that crowd and to do drugs and he must face the consequences. In the case of a child of course I would get him help. What kind of father would I be if I did otherwise?

 

How is an affair by a spouse in any way similar to drug use by a child?

[greengoddess]

Straw man. Don't put words into my mouth!

 

 

I would hold the kid accountable and responsible for his actions. He made the choice to get in with that crowd and to do drugs and he must face the consequences. In the case of a child of course I would get him help. What kind of father would I be if I did otherwise?

 

How is an affair by a spouse in any way similar to drug use by a child?

 

Exactly you would hold them accountable for their actions and have them face consequences you would not throw them out for a few months of poor behavior.

 

The drug use is a comparison of how a lifetime of good behavior is not cancelled out by a few months of bad behavior. Just like in the father situation too. You don't just be done with a person you have loved for 20 years. You hold them accountable and make them face consequences. You don't immediately delete them from your life if they are asking for forgiveness and help. Now in an affair if they screw up a second time then they are gone because that was part of the consequences and accountability.

[Owl]

These were just some reasons. They don't necessarily apply to everyone.

 

So, in brief, what are your reasons for staying with your husband?

 

I know that this wasn't aimed at me, but I wanted to go ahead and answer this question in regards to my own situation.

 

I didn't leave my wife when I discovered her affair for several reasons.

 

1. Prior to this happening, we had 17 years of wonderful marriage. More laughs, more fun, more love than pretty much anyone else we knew. It was a foundation to rebuild from.

 

2. I could SEE that there was more going on than "just" the affair. Her EA had only started about 2-3 months before d-day...but she'd been depressed and struggling with that and some additional stress from losing her job, etc... for almost a year before that. So basically, things were good for 17 years...then suddenly she's dealing with depression/job loss/stress with kids...THEN she goes into the affair.

 

So it was a build up of several things that led to her bad decisions culminating in her affair.

 

But, we'd had years of great foundation to rebuild from, and our reconciliation STARTED with her getting treatment for the issues that contributed to the whole situation.

 

It's been six years since then, and our marriage is well-recovered.

 

So the answer to the "why can't" question at the beginning of all this in my case is "why should I?". My situation turned out just fine without having to "dump her".