i love him, but no sex

[oregonb]

I have been in a relationship for about 4 years (im 37 woman he's 42 and because you will ask, I am a size 6 and make an effort in my appearance). Our first year was very hot and heavy, we were at it like rabbits whenever we saw each other tho it was a LDR. But then we broke up, but kept in contact. When we started up again, the sex never started back up with it. He was a wonderful lover, and I love sex and miss it terribly. He moved in short term in the begining of the year, and in some ways it was great. But being ignored every night, then having him leave the bed to go upstairs (where I presumed he looked at porn and masturbated at least some nights) just hurt me terribly. It came to head after he left the bed several nights in a row when I really wanted some and had been trying to hard to be the ideal nag-free, supportive girlfriend. On those nights i just knew what he had been up to, and the third day I checked his computer, wasn't happy with his choices in mastbatory material (sexy pictures of someone we know thru our work) and I just lost it. We broke up. But ultimately, I really love this man. I mean, everything about him. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh, I admire him, we love to do the same things. It breaks me to think of removing this man I treasure from my life. So I begged for him back because I thought, I still think, why can't it be possible when we have such a great connection?

 

He has asked me previously to just accept what we have and enjoy it. We've been working on our relationship and it has really been feeling good outside of this one area. But the sexual rejection has made me extremely jealous, and it butts into our professional lives as well because he works with alot of beautiful young women. I hate feeling crazy and try to control it but am only somewhat successful. He told me a month or so ago that he was going to try and cut out porn. All on his own he brought this up and I was so happy. Then a few weeks ago we talked and he told me knows I need sex to be happy and that he is going to work on it. I am trying to be patient and not ever bring this up even tho its high on my mind. But he just went and did something he knew would make me very jealous and I just felt crazy again. I finally went and put it to him straight out which I never have. That I feel he is picking masturbating to porn over me, and that every time he chooses to masturbate instead of channel his sexuality towards me, he is making a choice against me, that hurts me.

 

He is out of town, so we were stuck chatting this out. He is so angry. A part of him wants to forget our relationship and just be single. Which to me sounds like, picking porn over me. I knew I was taking a risk, but honestly I thought he would pick me because I *know* he loves me. We talked but he just keeps bringing up the jealousy parts which are a strawman and refusing to say anything about what seems to be his deep love of porn/masturbation. He thinks I think he's a pervert, but I am okay with porn as long as it doesn't take away from me like it is with us. I am looking at it since I am stuck on my own in the sex department. But he has deep shame here and is completely shut down on it. He has tried to tell me that its just "his age" and that its normal to be less interested in LTR, but I know he is still getting off. I can settle for just a couple times a month-- but sexuality is an important bond and a gift giving moment that needs to be there. Plus its this huge elephant in the room, the walled off box that I can't get near.

 

I don't know what to do now, but I need support. I don't want to embarrass him by discussing this with people I know.

[You Go Girl]

Been there, done that.

I'm feel sorry for you...not pity, but understanding.

And when it came down to it...my man chose the porn.

Guess we're not so important afterall, eh?

[BB07]

Have you done any research on porn addiction?

I would suggest you do and then you might have a clearer understanding of what might be going on.