When do you loose the hope of a 2nd chance?

[HopeLove]

We dated for 10 1/2 months. We had an amazing time together. At the beginning he was much more into me than I was into him, but with time I was more and more into him. We both were in love and I thought he was "the one".

The reason he gave me for the breakup was that he doesn't want to settle down and have children in the "near future". He's 30 and I'm 36, and he didn't see our relationship surviving in the future and therefore was better to finish it now rather than later.

4 months after the breakup I lost the hope of a second chance. In just over a week there will be 5 months since we broke up / he dumped me.

Although as I said I lost the hope of getting back together, sometimes I find myself hoping again and then I try to removed this feelings since it doesn't help me to move on.

Was wandering when do you loose the hope of getting back together? If you lost the hope, you do have sometime slide backs as me? If you haven't lost the hope, why not?

[HopeLove]

Yesterday evening I was with some friends and a guy we both know and knows him better than me said that maybe in some years he'll realise he had someone great and let it go. I wish he could realised that now

[TaraMaiden]

Was wandering when do you loose the hope of getting back together? If you lost the hope, you do have sometime slide backs as me? If you haven't lost the hope, why not?

 

Hope is lost the moment you split.

 

It's like I told someone in a different thread....

 

It's like buying a brand new, state-of-the-art, designer woollen jacket, by Armani or Dolce & Gabbana. Hot piece! brilliant, wow, look at me everyone!

 

Unfortunately, one day, you snag a thread, pull it, and make a hole.

 

And much as you expertly repair it, the garment is now inexorably flawed, damaged and never as good as it was in the first place.

You can even have it expertly invisibly mended, but you know the damage is done, and no matter how many people admire it, you know that it's not as good as it used to be....

They may not see the damaged threads, but you know it will never ever be as good as new, again.

 

It's not Hope.

It's Nostalgia.

[pandagirl]

Hope is lost the moment you split.

 

It's like I told someone in a different thread....

 

It's like buying a brand new, state-of-the-art, designer woollen jacket, by Armani or Dolce & Gabbana. Hot piece! brilliant, wow, look at me everyone!

 

Unfortunately, one day, you snag a thread, pull it, and make a hole.

 

And much as you expertly repair it, the garment is now inexorably flawed, damaged and never as good as it was in the first place.

You can even have it expertly invisibly mended, but you know the damage is done, and no matter how many people admire it, you know that it's not as good as it used to be....

They may not see the damaged threads, but you know it will never ever be as good as new, again.

 

It's not Hope.

It's Nostalgia.

 

I think damaged can be repaired and come out stronger in the end, personally. Depends on what it is, of course.

 

But, I do agree that hope is often mistaken for nostalgia.

[TaraMaiden]

Nothing, but nothing is ever 'stronger in the end' if it has needed repair.

 

If something needs repair, it's a weakness.

Some repairs simply expose weaknesses in other areas....

And the value is also drastically lessened.

 

I'd be really happy to be proven wrong, if you can give me any examples of what repair to a damaged 'anything' actually renders it overall stronger.

[pandagirl]

Nothing, but nothing is ever 'stronger in the end' if it has needed repair.

 

If something needs repair, it's a weakness.

Some repairs simply expose weaknesses in other areas....

And the value is also drastically lessened.

 

I'd be really happy to be proven wrong, if you can give me any examples of what repair to a damaged 'anything' actually renders it overall stronger.

 

Example: what if a couple had communication issues, and worked on themselves to understand each other better?

[TaraMaiden]

if they've broken up and gone their separate ways, they both have to want to get back together.

A breakdown in communication is not the same as breaking up.

But both parties have to want to get the communicating right, equally, 100%.

It takes a 100% commitment, 100% of the time, from both, equally.

 

How often do you see that happening after breaking up?

 

In a break-up, the dumper doesn't want that.

Do they?

[pandagirl]

if they've broken up and gone their separate ways, they both have to want to get back together.

A breakdown in communication is not the same as breaking up.

But both parties have to want to get the communicating right, equally, 100%.

It takes a 100% commitment, 100% of the time, from both, equally.

 

How often do you see that happening after breaking up?

 

In a break-up, the dumper doesn't want that.

Do they?

 

No, usually they don't.

 

I'm just speaking from experience, that I have friends (who are now married) who had broken up, and gotten back together. I can count three couples off the top of my head easily. I will say that in all these cases, they all moved on from the relationship, and came back together after some time had passed.

 

I am moving on from my recent breakup and things are getting better everyday. We were in a LDR and we had issues due to the distance, mainly communication issues. I feel like if we were living in the same place, our issues could have been resolved quicker and with less effort, but the distance really intensified our pre-existing communication quirks and it just... didn't work. He withdrew, I became clingy. Typical breakup.

[HopeLove]

@ Panda: for how long were these couples apart before they come back together? Was the dumper that wanted the started the reuninon?

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, Panda, I have to say, you have a point here.

 

I also have two particularly good friends who have achieved a wonderful "moving on" from infidelity in their relationship.

Their relationship is actually extremely strong.

 

 

But, two things:

 

One, they both had affairs in their marriage.

 

Two, they both realised that the other person was the one they wanted more than anything else, and they both worked 100% on everything, equally.

They have a strong bond, and it's probably been sheer bloody hard work, but worth every step.

 

TOGETHER.

 

 

I would equate this with taking the damn knitted jacket to Armani/Dolce & Gabbana and demanding a new one!!

[pandagirl]

@Hopelove. I think one was a few months, another 6 months, and another about 10 months. But in all those cases, these people weren't holding out for a second chance. They had other boyfriends/girlfriends, dated other people, and made effort of make themselves happy.

 

@Taramaiden. I think getting back together isn't the norm, but if two people really want to be together and work on their issues (as a couple and as individuals) I think it's possible.

 

For instance, I became incredibly clingy and insecure in my relationship, but it was because my ex withdrew from me, but didn't communicate why he did until the actual breakup. If he learned to be more open with his emotions, I could have respected his need for space more. As it is, that never happened, I ended up suffocating him, and he broke it off with me.

[t1ff4n1]

I am in the same position it has been 5 months for me too, and I know it feels a lifetime.

I don’t know if it is “the end” for us yet and I am still hopeful and I still think we are meant to be whether that’s me deluding myself I don’t know, but time will only tell in the meantime I’ve got to make myself a better person. Towards the end I just think I began to rely on him too much and since being apart that is something I have had chance to work on, but that hasn’t happened over night first 3 months were horrendous I did the crying, pleading, begging, stalking and I think that was what really pushed him further away and I think this just confirmed to him how needy I was off him.

The past two months I have been able to take control of my emotions around him.

Yes I see him go home and break my heart most the time but around him I am strong, happy and the person he fell in love with 7 years ago. I have lc with him now but when I do see him things are amicable and slowly his guard is coming down by no means am I saying anything he does gives me hope were going to get back together but it’s a breakthrough nether the less, 3 months ago he was so angry with me he couldn’t really talk to me about anything, this is only something which has happened over time and if you really want to get him back you both need to show changes for the better, changes that will show him your relationship is not going to go back into how it was before and if it wasn’t meant to be then you’re a better person for the next person to love.

I still think it’s going to be a long road if we ever do get back together but if you really don’t want to give up hope you need to work on yourself, give both of you time to heal and take it slow and don’t push for things. I’m working up to asking him for a quick bite to eat over the next few weeks but in the meantime I’m having very little contact and not being emotional when I see him.

I pray both of us get the ending we want. If he is worth fighting for then its going to be a long ride but don’t put your life on hold, they will never make a decision if he knows you can be a back up plan. x

[Sunny-side-up]

I love the analogy of ripping a nice jacket... I'll keep that one in mind...

I also agree about the dumper wanting to get back with the dumpee rather than the other way round...but what happens in the case where you both pretty much dump each other? Can that be a sucess later down the line?

[Leandro]

I lost hope the second I heard she was holding another guys hand!

[Billie The Puppet]

Every day I have lost hope, but it seems like I regain hope only to lose it again. It is a cycle for me. I get to points where I say it's just not worth it and I am indifferent which is bliss and would be the perfect timing for the ex to call of course she never does. However those times I am indifferent only for short periods of time.

[TaraMaiden]

I love the analogy of ripping a nice jacket... I'll keep that one in mind...

I also agree about the dumper wanting to get back with the dumpee rather than the other way round...but what happens in the case where you both pretty much dump each other? Can that be a sucess later down the line?

 

If both people want it badly enough, yes.

But one person can never do the work for two.

It can't happen. We can't fix people, and we can't fix it for them, either.

[9Lives]

if they've broken up and gone their separate ways, they both have to want to get back together.

A breakdown in communication is not the same as breaking up.

But both parties have to want to get the communicating right, equally, 100%.

It takes a 100% commitment, 100% of the time, from both, equally.

 

How often do you see that happening after breaking up?

 

In a break-up, the dumper doesn't want that.

Do they?

 

Not to give anyone hope but I have seen couples get back together and it be better than before thru a girlfriend. She has 3 kids by him. They split, he married someone else. 15 years later they got back together and now they are married. He brought her a beautiful ring and moved her to Houston. So it can happen.

[Billie The Puppet]

The Key factor is time, if we sit and wait the hands of time appear to move slower. Times flies as your having fun but it slows when you are in anticipation for something. So if you move on to having fun your time will fly by getting you closer to a possible second chance.