Affairs to fill the gaps

[kis]

I was just reading a thread that said Married people use affairs to fill the gaps in thier marraige. I believe this to be true most of the time.

 

But does there always have to be something wrong in the marriage? I think some people are just going to have affiars for the fun of it.

 

I also thing some times you might just meet someone and have an amazing connection/attraction. Thoughts?

[jj33]

Its less likely that people do it for the connection. There are some players that do it for the thrill but that is to me the worst type of MM.

[crazycatlady]

I was just reading a thread that said Married people use affairs to fill the gaps in thier marraige. I believe this to be true most of the time.

 

But does there always have to be something wrong in the marriage? I think some people are just going to have affiars for the fun of it.

 

I also thing some times you might just meet someone and have an amazing connection/attraction. Thoughts?

 

I think there is a third....its not gaps in the marriage but gaps in themselves.

 

I think most....fall into a smattering of there different types.

 

And I'm sure there are some who don't fit any reason.

[Hazyhead]

I think the players that do it for the thrill only have gaps within themselves. No relationship would satisfy them.

[jj33]

Great point Hazy. Having an A to fill a gap is not the best coping mechanism but at least there is some reason. People who just cant say no to temptatoin are a much bigger problem IMHO. There are so many attractive interesting women out there, they must be awfully busy:rolleyes:

[Hazyhead]

I think there is a third....its not gaps in the marriage but gaps in themselves.

 

I think most....fall into a smattering of there different types.

 

And I'm sure there are some who don't fit any reason.

 

Sorry, CCL! Wasn't trying to steal your point, must have been writing at the same time

 

But I agree!

[Hazyhead]

Great point Hazy. Having an A to fill a gap is not the best coping mechanism but at least there is some reason. People who just cant say no to temptatoin are a much bigger problem IMHO. There are so many attractive interesting women out there, they must be awfully busy:rolleyes:

 

Indeed. Why would they ever say no? (Or not chase what they shouldn't)

 

Surprised they find time to fit in a marriage at all!

[lilbunny]

I was always of the impression (from MM and elsewhere) that there were not major issues in the marriage, he hadn't strayed previously in a R that was over 25 years so I couldn't say he was a player type. I guess it was something missing in him, but I'm not sure I will ever get any answers as to why. Mid-life crisis?

[Star_Bright]

Good question. Sometimes I wonder why people get married. You don't know who you'll be or there'll be in five years, ten years, fifteen years and whether this person will make you so miserable or bored you want to blow your brains out. I think it's natural for people to seek connection with other people, especially when they are missing it in their relationship, whether that is because of their partner, or themselves, or both. I definitely think some people shouldn't get married but are just afraid to be alone or just make a bad choice to get married. There's LOTS said on LS about the bad choice to have an affair but sometimes I think getting married to someone can be a bad choice and then what? It's not as cool to want to undo that choice. Cheating is not the right answer but I do understand why it happens.

 

I think there's this romantic notion of commitment and "marriage is forever" and one is supposed to be faithful but what about when real life just doesn't add up? What is one is unhappy in their marriage or with themselves and someone else comes along and makes them feel good? Isn't it human nature to be hedonistic? More so than to follow some imposed (even if self-imposed) rules about commitment and fidelity?

 

I'm just thinking out loud here, and perhaps going off topic, but your post intrigues me. Maybe I've been jaded by my own experiences/choices but I have had way more chances to help a married man cheat than I have given into. I gave in this time because we honestly had a very deep and special connection and it just felt right to me. Does that make it right? No. But it sure did feel right. I know it was the same for him so how can I judge him and say that if he valued commitment and his marriage he shouldn't have been with me? I guess instead of doing that I question the idea of marriage in general. I WOULD like to find someone with that connection and spark and stay faithful to him always. I just don't know how realistic it is that someone else will happen to always feel the same way about me!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes it is as simple as no longer being attracted to the spouse and sexually bored as a result.

 

There doesn't have to be anything 'wrong' per se.

[fooled once]

Good question. Sometimes I wonder why people get married. You don't know who you'll be or there'll be in five years, ten years, fifteen years and whether this person will make you so miserable or bored you want to blow your brains out. I think it's natural for people to seek connection with other people, especially when they are missing it in their relationship, whether that is because of their partner, or themselves, or both. I definitely think some people shouldn't get married but are just afraid to be alone or just make a bad choice to get married. There's LOTS said on LS about the bad choice to have an affair but sometimes I think getting married to someone can be a bad choice and then what? It's not as cool to want to undo that choice. Cheating is not the right answer but I do understand why it happens.

 

I think there's this romantic notion of commitment and "marriage is forever" and one is supposed to be faithful but what about when real life just doesn't add up? What is one is unhappy in their marriage or with themselves and someone else comes along and makes them feel good? Isn't it human nature to be hedonistic? More so than to follow some imposed (even if self-imposed) rules about commitment and fidelity?

 

I'm just thinking out loud here, and perhaps going off topic, but your post intrigues me. Maybe I've been jaded by my own experiences/choices but I have had way more chances to help a married man cheat than I have given into. I gave in this time because we honestly had a very deep and special connection and it just felt right to me. Does that make it right? No. But it sure did feel right. I know it was the same for him so how can I judge him and say that if he valued commitment and his marriage he shouldn't have been with me? I guess instead of doing that I question the idea of marriage in general. I WOULD like to find someone with that connection and spark and stay faithful to him always. I just don't know how realistic it is that someone else will happen to always feel the same way about me!

 

I don't mean to be rude, but have you not heard of divorce when "real life doesn't add up"? Cheating is supposed to be the answer to real life not adding up or people drifting apart?

 

I married at 22. At the time, it felt right and for several years, it was right. Then I grew up and he didn't. Instead of cheating, I chose to divorce.

 

I married again at 33. It's been 12 years and it still feels right. With this marriage, MANY more obstacles and bumps have been thrown in our path, but we have gotten through them TOGETHER and chose to work on issues and keep the love going versus cheating or dumping the marriage.

 

Many people DO stay married and faithful, even when they marry young. It is because they make the commitment and honor it and work on problems as they come up. I know many people who have been married 40+ years who are happy, who love each other and who have gone through so much together. Too many people today refuse to work on themselves and their commitments; it is easier to cheat or to run away from problems.

 

As to why people cheat -- because they can. Because something is wrong IN THEM. Because they have huge ego's and don't care who they hurt.

 

Kinda sad actually.

[Meaplus3]

I was just reading a thread that said Married people use affairs to fill the gaps in thier marraige. I believe this to be true most of the time.

 

But does there always have to be something wrong in the marriage? I think some people are just going to have affiars for the fun of it.

 

I also thing some times you might just meet someone and have an amazing connection/attraction. Thoughts?

 

 

Well forever I thought it was the simple fact that something must be off in the marriage. But.. I have now changed my tune on this subject. I think some people do just DO IT for the excitement. Or perhaps they enjoy variety. Is this right? NO.. not at all.

 

Mea:)

[Spark1111]

I think there is a third....its not gaps in the marriage but gaps in themselves.

 

I think most....fall into a smattering of there different types.

 

And I'm sure there are some who don't fit any reason.

 

I agree here. There is a gap within themselves and they seek external validation elsewhere.

 

Hey look, if we are BOTH in a crappy marriage devoid of attention, sex, intimacy, why don't BOTH partners have affairs?

 

Because one blames the relationship for all their woes; one does not.

 

Sometimes, it CAN be that simple.

 

Add in the character traits of conflict-avoidance, poor communication skills and low self-esteem....well, then you have the perfect scenario for a WS.

[In_Repair]

It's always a mixture of both. Sure, there are some people who just can't live within the bounds of a marriage and just have to cheat. These are people with mental problems. Their selfishness is beyond comparison, and it's kind of like those men who only chase married women so they never have to worry about being tied down to one.

 

Most of the time though, there is something lacking in both the cheater and the marriage they are cheating on. I don't think that people who cheat are automatically terrible people who should face a the gallows. Most of the time it is because their marriage has been lacking in several ways and they have already checked out emotionally. That certainly gives them no right to cheat on their spouse... but that's where the problems within themselves kick in. They are selfish, usually somewhat as a result of never having specific needs met. It's like a dog that hasn't eaten in days being selfish and attacking anyone who tries to take their food. That same dog, when well fed and properly cared for, would be completely selfless. The bad behavior compounds after actually entering into the affair, and these underlying internal issues see the light of day. For me personally, when I was a BS, the affair itself wasn't the thing that kept me from ever wanting to take her back... it was knowing the person she had become and the life she led in order to carry out her affair. I didn't know she was capable of such things, and I would have never married if I had.

[Meaplus3]

Inrepair, You bring up some interesting points, however I think often enough there are many out there who cheat for very selfish reasons. They don't always have to be in a conflicted marriage .. Or have a low sense of self. It's my belief they think they have some sense of entitlement to be with any woman they want while still wearing a wedding band. Selfish!!

 

Mea :-)

[pureinheart]

It's always a mixture of both. Sure, there are some people who just can't live within the bounds of a marriage and just have to cheat. These are people with mental problems. Their selfishness is beyond comparison, and it's kind of like those men who only chase married women so they never have to worry about being tied down to one.

 

Most of the time though, there is something lacking in both the cheater and the marriage they are cheating on. I don't think that people who cheat are automatically terrible people who should face a the gallows. Most of the time it is because their marriage has been lacking in several ways and they have already checked out emotionally. That certainly gives them no right to cheat on their spouse... but that's where the problems within themselves kick in. They are selfish, usually somewhat as a result of never having specific needs met. It's like a dog that hasn't eaten in days being selfish and attacking anyone who tries to take their food. That same dog, when well fed and properly cared for, would be completely selfless. The bad behavior compounds after actually entering into the affair, and these underlying internal issues see the light of day. For me personally, when I was a BS, the affair itself wasn't the thing that kept me from ever wanting to take her back... it was knowing the person she had become and the life she led in order to carry out her affair. I didn't know she was capable of such things, and I would have never married if I had.

 

IR, this is excellent...exDM demonstated the bolded characteristics. He did chase M women while he was M...no attachments...

[Star_Bright]

I don't mean to be rude, but have you not heard of divorce when "real life doesn't add up"? Cheating is supposed to be the answer to real life not adding up or people drifting apart?

 

I don't think you're being rude but I don't understand the question you're asking me. I'm confused by how it's worded. I THINK you're trying to say that instead of cheating, if the relationship is bad, the couple should divorce? If so, yes, I agree. Or maybe you're saying that real life steps in to every relationship and no relationship is perfect. I get that too but I was talking more about people being in love at one point in their life and then they change or their partner changes or circumstances change and they are no longer in love... that's what I see happening all over the place and so that's why I wonder why people get married. Sorry if I'm not answering your questions to me right, I just don't really understand what you're asking me.

 

I married at 22. At the time, it felt right and for several years, it was right. Then I grew up and he didn't. Instead of cheating, I chose to divorce.

 

I married again at 33. It's been 12 years and it still feels right. With this marriage, MANY more obstacles and bumps have been thrown in our path, but we have gotten through them TOGETHER and chose to work on issues and keep the love going versus cheating or dumping the marriage.

 

Many people DO stay married and faithful, even when they marry young. It is because they make the commitment and honor it and work on problems as they come up. I know many people who have been married 40+ years who are happy, who love each other and who have gone through so much together. Too many people today refuse to work on themselves and their commitments; it is easier to cheat or to run away from problems.

 

As to why people cheat -- because they can. Because something is wrong IN THEM. Because they have huge ego's and don't care who they hurt.

 

Kinda sad actually.

 

I am really glad to hear that you have a happy marriage and that you know people who have been married a long time and are happy. I wish I knew people like this because it would give me hope. I don't know anyone like this! Well maybe one couple, indirectly, although of course I don't know what their marriage is actually like... they say they are happy and seem happy, so I will put them in that category. I know so many couples who AREN'T happy and stay married anyway and usually cheat. This is what I don't get. Yes I agree it is easier to cheat or to run away from problems. It just seems like so many times people marry the wrong person or the timing changes and they are no longer right for each other, and cheating is sad and divorce is sad so for me it makes me think, why get married. That's just how I'm feeling right now and I was trying to express it and I do get what you're saying. I'm happy that you are happy and that there are happy long-term couples out there. It's nice to hear.

[2sure]

I think more often than anyone cares to admit that affairs happen not because there is a part of the marriage that is unfulling...but because the WS has found something missing within. Something that cannot be filled by their marriage or only temporarily by someone else. Its validation.

 

But when this gap is temporarily filled by the excitement of a new and forbidden relationship or a new friend "soulmate" ...the WS says "Hey - I feel validated now" and the marriage becomes undermined and ultimately does have real gaps and issues.

 

Seems like the types of affairs that happen when someone is seeking validation happen most in middle age. What a surprise.

[ladydesigner]

I think more often than anyone cares to admit that affairs happen not because there is a part of the marriage that is unfulling...but because the WS has found something missing within. Something that cannot be filled by their marriage or only temporarily by someone else. Its validation.

 

But when this gap is temporarily filled by the excitement of a new and forbidden relationship or a new friend "soulmate" ...the WS says "Hey - I feel validated now" and the marriage becomes undermined and ultimately does have real gaps and issues.

 

Seems like the types of affairs that happen when someone is seeking validation happen most in middle age. What a surprise.

 

Great post 2Sure. I believe both to be true. In my own A, well obviously I had something missing in myself. My self-esteem shot after my H's infidelity and I filled that void with a revenge affair, yuk what in the hell was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't.

 

I have a family member that cheats all the time and it is to ALWAYS most certainly boost his ego. Always has been always will. He is your typical serial cheater.

[2sure]

Hey - its selfish, but the need to be validated, to fill the holes that do form during periods of a life - happens to everyone. Its insecurity yeah. But ...that doesnt make anyone a monster. Some people go back to college, some buy red sportscars, go to china, go to the gym...not because they want these things in particular...but because they want tangible validation from others that says: Hey! Smart guy, great car, cool vacation, what an athlete. And those things are harmless and good motivators for life improvement. For many, thats validation enough. They learn that self validation is what they were shopping for, what fills the hole.

 

An affair is easier, cheaper, and more instantaneously available. Instant validation.

 

Thing is, it hurts people. Validation should not result in taking away someone else's. Affairs are easy only for the WS.

[Golon]

In my case I had originally thought it was what he said......about us being soulmates/we click.

 

Then I considered his life with his W and it occurs to me it may be that I offered a break from "routine" and someone who is "there for him". As he hasn't left his W I can only conclude the marriage is not so terrible....