Weekender Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hi everyone, I just found L.S. in the wee hours of the morning. I will give you the low down...I only dated this girl for three months and she broke it off yesterday. She said she was attracted to me and had feelings for me but said there was no warmth when we were together and she didn't want to continue a relationship where there wasn't any. She said I was too careful about things and she wanted to remain friends. I am a little surprised at myself at how I am taking this. I am also a little angry at her for not telling me about this sooner. Any advice or suggestion would be great. If you have any questions also let me know. Thanks
brainblox Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 She's told you how she feels mate, make like a jogger and thank your lucky stars you never put more time in...you will be over her in a lot less time. peace.
JamieA Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I agree with brainblox. At least she was honest and didn't give you the old "But hey, we can still be friends" line. Rejection is never easy. Be glad it was only 3 months. Keep your head up and start asking other girls out.
Author Weekender Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 She did say she wants to be friends. Any opinion on that? I'm not really a fan of it and was gonna do the NC deal. You recommend removing her from my Facebook list? Yeah, I guess it's only 3 months...still kinda sucks lol
JamieA Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Oh yeah, that she did. Sorry I missed that in your post. I think that is so lame a line to give after breaking up. It's never sincere IMO. I say delete her from FB and move on & forget about her. If you should run into her in person act like you couldn't be better and life is great.
DavidWhite Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Have you tried the good old ignore trick? Yes girls loved to be ignored..
Author Weekender Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Well, I haven't spoken to her since the 'phone call' simply because I was getting more angry as the day went on. You know how it is....you think of all the good responses AFTER the call or conversation is over. The no warmth thing bugs me. If told sooner I feel it's something that could have easily been corrected...and I don't mean just on my end. When she mentions being careful she said I seemed uncertain sometimes of whether to kiss her, but if she turns away on one occation who wouldn't be? And after we had kissed on previous dates. Guess I'm venting now But I will do the jogging suggestion right now Go down to the park and see the ducks. I may be back to vent some more
Ajax Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Sorry about your situation man. Sounds like she was really confused... which as we've established in other posts is really a weasel word, but may fit this situation. By "warmth" I assume you mean affection. When showing affection with a girl it's a crapshoot. I've had girls break up with me for not showing enough affection, and I've had them break up with me for showing too much. My last girlfriend also gave mixed signals. I'd try to kiss her or hold her and she'd turn away. Then later get upset when I didn't initiate another kiss. Bottom line is, don't beat yourself up over it. I don't think it was a problem with you, but insecurity on her part.
Author Weekender Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Ajax, you may be right. I'll give you another example from Monday since she brought it up but then said it wasn't a reason. She was involved in putting on a show and invited me to attend, so I did. After the show I waited around to speak with her and chat a bit before leaving. I had on a backpack since I had come from work to the show and didn't have time to stop home. At one point she comes out of nowhere and hugs me and surprised I was only able to grab her with one arm and grab balance the bag with the other, but when I got my balance and grabbed with two hands she pulled away. I apologised and she said it was okay, but in the conversation yesterday said she hugs three performers she didn't know and there was more warmth than with me. I don't get it
Author Weekender Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Boy this sort of stuff on the weekend really stinks. Football isn't even helping. I wonder if she really is confused....it seems I am. I do appreciate all the advice so far. Thanks to all
pb&j Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 (edited) Hi everyone, I just found L.S. in the wee hours of the morning. I will give you the low down...I only dated this girl for three months and she broke it off yesterday. She said she was attracted to me and had feelings for me but said there was no warmth when we were together and she didn't want to continue a relationship where there wasn't any. She said I was too careful about things and she wanted to remain friends. I am a little surprised at myself at how I am taking this. I am also a little angry at her for not telling me about this sooner. Any advice or suggestion would be great. If you have any questions also let me know. Thanks I have a similar situation at least durationally. I was in long distance relationship for a few months and misbehaved quite a bit one time when he came down to visit (well, OK, I probably misbehaved a lot). As a result, that time he left town early and hasn't called since (about 2 weeks). For me two of the hardest things have been mourning what I think "could have been" and distinguishing my sadness over losing him vs the blow to my ego (i.e. having been dumped). Really, the former is my sticking point currently because I feel like one can't adequately assess the potential in a relationship after only a few months. But clearly, he could and I wasn't giving him what he needed. On the other hand, my "misbehavior" resulted from the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed. Is it possible that your "lack of warmth" resulted from the fact that you just weren't "feeling" the relationship? Is it also possible you are just smarting because you got dumped? EDIT: I don't mean to diminish your pain or imply that you shouldn't be hurt because it was a short relationship. Trust me, I know the ending to a short relationship can be very painful. For me, I just know that I sometimes confuse sadness or frustration over other things with saddness and longing for him. The feelings are similar and somtimes the exact cause of my current angst is hard to pinpoint. Edited September 19, 2010 by pb&j clarification
spiderowl Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I'm sorry to hear what happened. It can seem worse with shorter relationships because of the 'what could have been' factor. There may be some value in considering what she said as reasons for her break up, but I wouldn't get hung up on it. Quite frankly we only break up with people when we are not feeling growing attraction and compatibility. If her feelings had been stronger in the first place, she would have been encouraging affectionate behaviour from you and making a real effort with you, not giving up. Only you know whether you were actually withholding or not. It's possible, with a new relationship, that you were lacking confidence and, because of that, spontaneity. As somone who struggles with spontaneity myself, I know how frustrating this can be. There could have been a disparity in your ideas of what it means to be physically affectionate. I have known people who've split with their partners who've cited the same reason. In those cases, the partners weren't physically affectionate unless sex was involved. They simply didn't see physical affection as relevant or necessary and so for them it was rarely convenient. They always had reasons for not being affectionate. These reasons boiled down to it being inappropriate and irritating at the time. It is worth asking yourself whether you do enjoy physical affection or whether you find it uncomfortable for the most part. The only reasons I can think of why someone would give up in her situation is if it felt like it was going to be an ongoing problem and she thought it meant you didn't really like her or wasn't attracted to her. People do want to get an indication that their partners are attracted and for some that means lots of physical affection. Rationalisations are another matter: they are the reasons we come up with when we don't feel what we should for a romantic partner and have to explain it. They are not the real reason. I have a theory that people meet, are attracted to each other and then either bounce off each other and onward to other encounters or stick together. Mostly it's not rational and can't be explained, just happens. Best to accept it and move on to the one that doesn't bounce.
Author Weekender Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 Hey, It's been about two weeks since I've posted and the past few days I thought everything was going fine. Then last night I get a message saying she had thought about things and felt she made the right choice...I had asked her to think about it, but since I didn't hear back just thought that was that. I even asked a volunteer I work with out and she agreed. Anyway, the other one asks if I can find the space in my heart to have a friend like her, she would be more than happy for my friendship, but if it's not the case she understands. I 'm thinking NC is the way to go. But this sure messed up my peace of mind! Well, just venting since I got no sleep at all due to this.
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