AZNNTYCE Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 commitmentphobia is there away to stop it? i found this grl that i really like, this has been the first grl i felt this way about ever since my last breakup. but she said she was a commitmentphobe. confuses me cause wen got together the other night and kissed each other and she told me that she doesnt like one night stands. we met up 2day and went to town, we held hand hugged and did wat any ordinary partners would do. we even kissed again. shemet my family and she wants me to meet hers. really confused. can any1 help? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 People with committment phobia are still human and like all the components of a relationship except the committment part. She will probably date you for a good while as long as you don't bring up anything about committment. You may even date her steadily for a long time. But until she gets over her fear of long term committment, just don't imply anything about permanency about the two of you. Just have fun and keep the discussion away from exclusivity and marriage. Most people get cured in time or get up the courage to take the plunge. The ones that don't on their own seek out counselling or just stay uncommitted for their entire life. Have fun with this girl, just don't talk about anything that could make her feel smothered or tied down. When you've known her a good while, you might want to bring up the subject of her committment phobia but just do it in terms of your academic interest and NOT as it pertains to the two of you. Get into her head and see where it's at. There's another possiblity that she just said that to either seem hard to get or see what your intentions are. Human behaviour is not a simply thing to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZNNTYCE Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 yeh, i kinda thought about it and i dont really want anything serious atm. i just want to take it as it comes i guess, seeing im trying to get over my previous relationship. i guess ill bring it up and tell her that im not seekin anything serious but later on i might. thanx for the advice. if anyone has anymore advice i would like to hear it. THANKS Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Some young people who act like, or even identify themselves as, commitmentphobics are really just immature. Men and women who are still in the process of growing up / finding themselves might act like commitmentphobics: wanting closeness but not wanting to get tied down, or seeming to find intimacy and then suddenly deciding it's not for them (jumping to someone new, moving suddenly away, etc.). For many, it's a normal stage in growing up (often lasts through the twenties, especially for men). Real commitmentphobics are more what we'd call lifers. They can't be easily cured -- and usually don't want to be. Their problems tend to be deeply rooted in conflicted family situations and are often related to narcissistic personality disorder. Personality disorders are embedded in individual psyches; they are often not alterable in therapy, and that's especially true for npd. Commitmentphobics often send the same kind of mixed signals immature people do, which effectively warns away people who don't want to be taken or a ride and draws people in who idealize the commitmentphobe enought to take the abuse (or what will become abuse once the honeymoon's over). Commitmentphobics move into relationships with weaker people who enable them to play the push / pull game. They get ego gratification out of it, as well as some other emotional and physical temporary needs met. However, the ones they really long for run away. They think that those runaways are the people who could really make them feel special if they wanted the commitmentphobe (but they can't get them, so...). Just remember, the litmus test of a romantic partner's value for commitmentphobes is who stays once the games begin. You do see that's a no-win situation, right? How can you know if this girl is just immature or if she's a commitmentphobe for real? It's hard to say, given that she's still young enough that a very longterm pattern can't be identified. I think that you shouldn't try to figure all that out. What you should do is listen to what she says and take that seriously. If she's saying she's a commitmentphobe, she's letting you know she doesn't want a relationship. Even if you take that to mean she wants one deep down but doesn't have faith in maintaining one, it's still not good news. At some level, she's resistant to a relationship. She has some belief about what a relationship is that makes her view it as bad mojo. It's not likely she's going to change her mind anytime soon, however affectionately she behaves with you. Changes like that, even in immature people, often take a long time. Now, it's always possible that you'll grow up together (during which period you'll be tortured by her games and yet still allured by the promise of something you can't quite get) until she becomes self-confident and evolved enough to be comfortable with you as a longterm partner (at which point she'll have calmed down and the heat between you will be cozy, comfortable, and sure). That is, if you're actually the kind of guy she really goes for, rather than the kind she just teases and tosses. Given her mixed signals, it's difficult to say; time will tell. Bottom line: Odds are you'll get your heart broken if you look for anything more than a casual flirtation. I'm sorry to say it. Sounds like you really like her. Me? I'd run, but then, I've been burned by just this sort of thing (mine was a hardcore commitmentphobe who did tell me so). I didn't run the first time -- I understand what a temptation it is to stay. --uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZNNTYCE Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 hey thanx for that advice, not really sure on wat i should do. do u think a casual fling is good enough? as in once in a while we see each other and get totether and thats it, atm i dont want anything serious. should i keep it at that for a while until i either find someone else or she grows up? Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Well -- If you're really not looking for anything more, and are okay that she's not either, it could be a fun time. On the other hand, if you think you're likely to fall for her, I'd back off. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author AZNNTYCE Posted February 28, 2004 Author Share Posted February 28, 2004 i guess ill take my time wid her and just hav a lil fun, but wen and if i hav feelin for her then, yeh i gues il l back off. Link to post Share on other sites
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