lovingagain Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Okay after 2 years my MM decided that we should still see each other regularly as friends, that he still wants to see me and talk to me, phone me etc, that we should not do anything other than hugging and holding hands. So in his mind, that is not an affair and he does not feel so ill/guilt about it. I told him this was not going to happen. He was shocked that I did not want to see him and fully expected me to have gone along with that. WTF??? He said that his feelings when we made love were getting deeper and deeper and that he could not handle it, but he did love me and this was taking over his life. He has had these major blow outs every time we make love. Anyone any suggestions apart from I know he is crazy. BTW the sex for both of us is mind blowing and I love him. So we are going NC for a while (mutual suggestion) and I am in a terrible place right now.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Thats not unusual. 3 years later MM is still hanging on and contacting me all the time. If you dont have reasons you need to be in touch such as work, then cut it off. You love him, he loves you, he doesnt want to lose you. But its not hte best thing for you. Stick to NC and let him sort himself out. If hes getting upset he clearly doesnt want to leave his marriage.
Author lovingagain Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 But JJ correct me if I am wrong, your ex is contacting you because he works with you and sees you anyhow. I am sure that if I worked with MM we would not be able to stop???
Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Do you mean that after 2 years of an ongoing A he now wants to take this step back? Or that the affair ended two years ago and now he thinks he can come back into your life just as a "friend"? Sorry for my confusion, just trying to understand.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 He uses work as a reason to contact me when if we hadnt had the A there would be no reason for me to hear from him so often. You can always ask a work question but why me? why not one of his colleagues or one of the other people he knows who do what I do? Because its contact.
Heather1 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I've tried the friends thing, it's really hard. Not so hard for the MM, since they still get the ego part of the A without the guilt. Plus, when we did get together it was made out to be my fault. I just started NC again too. It's the only way to either figure it out or move on. Hard for either of you to do right now. Believe me, the friend offer is a lame one.
silverplanets Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I've tried the friends thing, it's really hard. Not so hard for the MM, since they still get the ego part of the A without the guilt. Plus, when we did get together it was made out to be my fault. I just started NC again too. It's the only way to either figure it out or move on. Hard for either of you to do right now. Believe me, the friend offer is a lame one. Hi Heather, I think you are spot on with the part in bold. I would also suggest that they still get to keep up the illusion that they have an "escape route" out of their marriage ...(but again, without the guilt). When you go NC then you remove completely their safety blanket, both in the ego stroking and escape route department ... and eventually they have to face their life and life choices, without the benefit of ego stroking or safety net ... much like the rest of us have to do all the time :) Imho that's why they hate NC .. it leaves them no-one to focus on but themselves .. and that's often a hard mirror to look into ... be safe Chris
BB07 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 He is trying to appease his guilt, but yet use you in the guise of a friendship to get his emotional needs of being desired and admired met. He is calling the shots, is that what you want?
TigerCub Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 He is trying to appease his guilt, but yet use you in the guise of a friendship to get his emotional needs of being desired and admired met. He is calling the shots That's exactly what I was thinking.
Author lovingagain Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Thanks everyone for the response I think it means that maybe it is the path of least resistance. It means he gets just about what he can cope with, without facing his life in a big way, no major changes whereas NC means he has not got his escape route (or safety blanket as Silver put it). Are you a MM Silver?. But for me NC means a dark hole for sure also. He has to do something about his life and the friends thing means he does not have to do anything. I suppose it's head burying really. The thing is I know for sure he is so unhappy (not with me), I just wish he would face it. So what happened Heather, how did NC break for you?
Author lovingagain Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Do you mean that after 2 years of an ongoing A he now wants to take this step back? Or that the affair ended two years ago and now he thinks he can come back into your life just as a "friend"? Sorry for my confusion, just trying to understand. We have been together two years,and he has had several breakdowns of guilt but we keep getting back together. We have done the friends thing once before and we broke it.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 he wants what he wants - at YOUR expense. is that good enough for you? sounds selfish and self serving to me - what do you get... nothing except a delusion that he cares... he's feeding his ego to help HIM be happy - all at the expense of you. you will never move forward and find an available man as long as get fills THAT void - he knows it too... that's why it's so selfish of him... but, in order for that to happen - you have to participate and go along with it... is that what you want to do for him... because it's not going to be good for YOU in the long run. he's getting you to do what's best for him - all at the expense of you... IF you let him. don't let him.
lilbunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I think I would find it very hard to move on if there was still that degree of closeness. I am in a situation where I have to see MM at work, no getting out of it, it is very difficult at the moment and I know I'm not ready to move on yet. If I was seeing him regularly away from work I think it would be impossible to move forward until that stopped. Think carefully about what is best for you and your wellbeing.
Heather1 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I initiated NC in feb for 2 months. Went on a nice trip, got my head together about it. Then I asked how he was & we started LC. He wanted to see me, I held off the sex, & we were "friends.". Inevitably, we caved. He felt guilty again, same 'ol, blah, blah, blah. After NC, walking a tightrope (or foreplay) & 6 months later having sex again, nothing changed. This time I really want it to be over. I will miss him a lot, because he really was my BF. Still, guys don't think that way & it will never be the lover/friend relationship I want, he always plays the guilt card. That makes a frienship torture... The frienship pain outweighs the NC pain right now for me. If he accepted the A for what it is, & his actions backed it, I'd be all in. Too one sided & he sets all the crappy rules. I'm gone....but heartbroken about it all the same.
Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 We have been together two years,and he has had several breakdowns of guilt but we keep getting back together. We have done the friends thing once before and we broke it. Ok thanks for clarifying. My (ex?)MM also said he wanted to be just friends when I initiated NC. To be honest I thought about it and it SEEMED like it might work... just friends or even FWB, so that if both of us were available, we could hang out and even hook up. I thought it sounded appealing because I like hanging out with him, we have a lot of fun together and it's easy to talk to him, and I thought if I could keep it in the context of part-time friends or whatever, it would work. Well for me I decided it wouldn't work for a few reasons. One, it wouldn't work for him. He likes to have me all to himself and gets jealous if I think about another guy. So it's not fair of him to expect me to be there for him and only him while he is married. Even if he thought he could do this, I don't think he could (he has not suggested it and has said that if I'm with anyone else he will be done with us for good). And even if he could, the second reason is that I don't think it would be fair to MYSELF. I couldn't truly move on and be happy on my own and find someone else if I still have that emotional tie to him. At this point it's just not possible. And a third reason is I don't think it's fair to his wife. He has lied to her just like to me and this bothers me. I think it is time for him to be honest with EVERYONE (most of all himself) and if he can't do that, then I don't want anything to do with him. Does his wife know about you/ the affair or not? To me this changed a lot of things once she found out. Selfishly, it showed me that he can't be honest with anyone and that if he can do this to her, to whom he has been married for a long time and at point was in love with her, what could he do to me! And what was he already doing to me?! It would have been way easier on me if he had just told me, look, I'm not sure what I want to do, a big part of me wants to leave to be with you but I'm struggling with that, and in the meantime it's not fair to keep you waiting on me, so I am going to go work on things on my own. I would have had so much more respect for him and felt like he was doing the right thing and I just really do want him (and me) to be happy. But instead he led me on and played word games and wasn't up front, and he is doing the same thing with his wife. From what he says she has even asked him if he still has feelings for me and he hasn't told her the truth. I think he should own up to it and tell her, yes, I still have feelings for SB but I'm trying to figure things out and feel like I should stay for the sake of the family and to do the right thing, and I don't want to have feelings for her (I really think this is true), but I do and I'm just trying to sort it out. Then, she would know the truth, I would know the truth, and he would know the truth. But he can't do that because he's too scared, I guess, of losing both of us. He can't just be up front and let the chips fall where they may with everyone having the knowledge to make their own decision. It's been like he's been waiting for me to do something or her to do something. So fine, I went NC, and it is working for me even though it isn't working for him. He's just going to have to deal with it because I am tired of being unhappy. I'm sorry for venting so much in your thread. I can relate to your sitch and I wish you the v best! My last question for you would be, well, he wants to be just friends... what do YOU want? A big part of this for me has been figuring out what I really want and making that clear to exMM and sticking to it. V hard to do but I keep trying!
Author lovingagain Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 I want him to leave but have not pressured him, I want him to make love to me because I love him so much. He knows he loves me so how can he even think we could be friends or is it just a label anyhow that takes off the pressure. I feel so ill today, so sick and totally depressed. Missing someone so badly sucks.:lmao: So Heather NC did not work for you then. And SB how long have you been NC, has he tried to break it? I think MM are never that honest with their BS because it would be hard enough being honest with themselves about their feelings.
wheelwright Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 "I think MM are never that honest with their BS because it would be hard enough being honest with themselves about their feelings." - lovingagain Yes, I think this is the problem. In my (limited) experience, there are only two ways out of this situation for you. NC or DDay. Which will likely lead to NC. As friends, you will most likely cave in again one day. He only has to feel lonely for a few weeks, fight with his W, and Bob's your Uncle. You'll be waiting for it. And you will be hoping that this time, he realises that it's time to DO something. But he already knows he has to do something - and he has chosen his W. (Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's what my experience has taught me). There is only one possible benefit to maintaining this friendship contact that I can see. That you use it to study quite unscrupulously what you dislike about this MM, so that when eventually you break up properly, you won't be heartbroken.
Heather1 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 NC helped me get my thoughts together for sure. It really helped him see that yes, I will leave the friendship too if not treated a certain way. In that respect, it worked. He doesn't like it one bit! As for re-working the terms of our A to my liking, once we had sex it was back to his guilt & rules. The dynamic stayed the same.
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