Time spent together subsequent to one party relocating

[LittleTiger]

The thing is, if we were living together, I think I wouldn't mind so much him doing his own stuff on some days - because we'd still see each other! I imagine he'd come back, we'd have dinner or something, and we could both just sit around doing our own thing. We sometimes do that nowadays even, and I certainly don't mind it. It's just that without living together, when someone does their own thing you don't even see them at all that day. And it takes so much effort for one to get to the other. That's what I hate.

 

Yes, I can understand that. Your situation is certainly less than ideal. Is there any way you guys can work on living together in the near future? I know it's not possible right away but it would give you something to look forward to if you knew it could be arranged sometime soon.

[Els]

We're stuck til the end of the year, and after that it depends on where I choose to go for my postgrad.

[Romance]

Again, I'm curious (not picking on you Romance), but your thinking is so different from mine, I have to ask the following:

 

How old are you?

How far are you moving?

What will you be doing when you move? New job? Course?

How come you won't be living together?

 

The reason I ask is because it suprises me why anybody would relocate (unless it's just to the next town or city perhaps) for the sole reason of being with their SO and not expect to see them every day.

 

To me, relocating suggests a serious commitment to the relationship ie a permanent commitment, which means living with your SO unless there's some reason why it's impossible eg college accommodation (as I think, if I remember correctly, is your situation Elswyth?).

 

I guess there are some people who continue lifelong committed relationships living separately from their partner, but its incredibly rare and if you're planning a family at some point fairly impractical.

 

If you just fancy a move to a new place for your own sake and you move to the same town 'to see how the relationship develops' that isn't for the sole reason of being with your SO, which is different altogether. Then I can understand not seeing each other every day.

 

It seems to me to be a matter of 'how far along' the relationship is in terms of permanent commitment and I suppose that does depends on age and where you are in your life in terms of priorities etc.

 

As you may know, my SO and I are in our mid-40s, and we're both very keen to start sharing our lives full time. When he relocates we'll be living together straight away. If there was any suggestion on either side that this wouldn't/shouldn't happen, that would be the end of the relationship.

 

I'm 20. I'd be going to a new school as a junior. We would not be living together because his parents would not approve and they pay for his apartment until he finishes school. So I would live with him my senior year of college though, because he will have already graduated/be able to support himself, then we can be in a better financial situation. I'd live in a dorm. i would be moving 5 hours away.

 

I don't expect to see him everyday because I realize he has things he needs to take care of and friends to hang out with and everyone needs some alone time. We're both young, so I think we need time apart as well. If I was in my 30s or 40s maybe this would be different, perhaps this is why our thinking differs.

 

also yes i do want to live there on my own to make sure the relationship develops well with us in the same town. So there is a little transition year of us being in the same town, but not living in the same house just to see how everything works out, living in a dorm would be no big deal and an easy way to do this. so i figure why not.

[Romance]

Just got back from a nice walk + groceries + lunch at a favourite Vietnamese place with cheap lunch deals! I like how I can eat alone here without drawing stares, although it still isn't very common to see women eating alone.

 

 

 

Interesting point of view. Why, specifically, do you feel it's a bit much to see each other everyday?

 

Great to hear it, though, and I hope all goes well for your relocation.

 

I'm not sure, I've always felt that way. Even with my friends who have boyfriends who live near them, I think it's so odd to spend every evening together when we're so young. I think time for friends and things is really important. Not that being with your SO isn't, but 5 days a week seems like a really great balance to me.

 

and thank you!

[carvidep]

I agree with Romance here. It is important to have your own life outside of the relationship.

 

Elswyth, it sounds like you do have that because of his long work days, and you look forward to seeing him every night.

 

For him, maybe doing the same thing every day after work gets a little redundant.

 

Also, this thought just occured to me today. I don't know about you, but I love going out for girl's nights with my gal pals, just like my SO enjoys doing things with the guys, and we both need at least one day a week of alone time. I'm a total cuddle-addict and extravert but I still like to have some time to myself.

 

I know that you gave up a ton just to move to be with him, but I personally don't think it's too much for him to ask for a night or two of "him-time" or just to relax with the roommates.

 

Someone else had mentioned making a comprimise. I think that's a great idea. You guys will get it figured out. You'll see.

[LittleTiger]

I'm 20. I'd be going to a new school as a junior. We would not be living together because his parents would not approve and they pay for his apartment until he finishes school. So I would live with him my senior year of college though, because he will have already graduated/be able to support himself, then we can be in a better financial situation. I'd live in a dorm. i would be moving 5 hours away.

 

I don't expect to see him everyday because I realize he has things he needs to take care of and friends to hang out with and everyone needs some alone time. We're both young, so I think we need time apart as well. If I was in my 30s or 40s maybe this would be different, perhaps this is why our thinking differs.

 

also yes i do want to live there on my own to make sure the relationship develops well with us in the same town. So there is a little transition year of us being in the same town, but not living in the same house just to see how everything works out, living in a dorm would be no big deal and an easy way to do this. so i figure why not.

 

Thanks for that Romance. I did suspect that was the case. I think you're right at only 20 years old to 'see how things develop'. I know people do it, but 20 is very young to commit yourself to somebody for life. Heck, I didn't even live with anyone until I was 30!

 

If you're both at school you will need alone time anyway to do your studying and if you're living in a dorm you should be able to make friends fairly easily.

 

There is certainly a big difference between relationships in your 20s and relationships in your 40s. Less time for a start!

[LittleTiger]

For him, maybe doing the same thing every day after work gets a little redundant.

 

I have to say, if my SO felt this way about seeing me every day, I'd be very worried.

 

It sounds to me like you're saying a husband could get fed up with coming home to his wife every night after work.....but again, perhaps it's an age/stage of life thing.

 

I can't remember how old you and your bf are Elswyth but maybe he just needs a little time to grow into the idea of a full time relationship.

[carvidep]

I have to say, if my SO felt this way about seeing me every day, I'd be very worried.

 

It sounds to me like you're saying a husband could get fed up with coming home to his wife every night after work.....but again, perhaps it's an age/stage of life thing.

 

I can't remember how old you and your bf are Elswyth but maybe he just needs a little time to grow into the idea of a full time relationship.

 

I'm just going by my own experiences, so my responses on this thread are definitely biased. I see what you mean about the husband coming home to the wife idea. I'm not saying that Elswyth's bf is fed up by any means.

 

I do completely agree though with your last statement, about him needing time to grow into the idea of a full time relationship.

[Els]

I honestly think, from what he said, that it's not so much the redundancy as the fact that he wants some time to do his own stuff. I believe that if he had as much time as I did everyday, he probably wouldn't have trouble with commuting over so often.

 

Today, he had to study for an exam later this week. He said I could come over as he wouldn't be studying 'all' the time, although he still would be sometimes. For the first time since I came here, I declined. I realized that we hadn't had a day apart for the past month or so, and that if we were going to, it should be now, when he needs the time to study. It wasn't easy - I miss him, and he cooks the best dinners for me when I go to his place.

 

But I feel great. It was raining and cold this evening, and I stayed home and napped in my nice warm bed instead of going out to take the bus. I then had a nice hot shower - you can't shower at night in his house because the admin has this dumb system of heating the water only ONCE a day - at midnight. If you use the tank of hot water up (which 4 people in a house ALWAYS do), you wait til midnight.

 

Dinner is cooking in the oven right now (I am a MUCH lazier cook than him, so I just shoved fish seasoned with garlic and butter, and hash browns and patties into the oven...), I plan to catch up on my Java programming, as well as work on my travel blog (I don't usually manage to do much when I go to his place), and have a nice session with porn later. I realized that strangely enough, I miss masturbating to porn, as I haven't for 2 months +. Also, I don't usually post on LS when he's around.

 

I realized that just maybe, I'd gotten a tad too dependent on him being around. I used to be happy staying home at night when we were LD, and I should still be able to do so when we're not.

 

LittleTiger: We're both 23.

[LittleTiger]

Sounds like you have a great evening planned Elswyth. Hope it's going well.

 

If you're both only 23 that does throw a little more light on things. A 23 year old male is considerably less mature than a 23 year old female.

 

I think this might be a question of just letting your bf catch up with you a bit. He's obviously committed to you but not ready for a full blown 'together most of the time' adult realtionship.

 

Make the most of your time when he's not around (as you're obviously starting to do). When/if you guys get married at some point, you could find yourself worn out at the end of a day a few years from now, running around after toddlers and wistfully remembering these lovely evening's alone with great fondness.

[Els]

Bleah, after having done everything I planned to do, I am now a little sad and lonely. Haven't had much meaningful human interaction today except pleasantries with the housemates, and online chats with old friends.

[allina]

Elswyth, I think you need some outside contact and fun. Not only will this cheer you up, it will help the bond between you and your bf. I imagine that now your life revolves around him and you don't have much to talk about or look forward to besides him.

 

I think that joining a group, finding a workout buddy or taking a fun class would really help. Also, is it possible for you to get a car?

 

I do think that your bf is being a little selfish and cold though. If my SO left his life to be with me I would actively seek out co-worker's/friends to show him around. I would make it my responsibility to make sure I do everything I can to make him feel happy and at home.

 

Last, I think that you guys may be getting in to a bit of a rut with the nightly cooking dinner followed by watching tv. You're a young couple, I think you need to get out and have more fun together.

[Els]

Allina, there's nothing to do at night in this town. Malls and most places close at 6pm. Neither of us enjoy bars, and those are the ONLY things open. We can't get a car because we can't afford one. Public transport is also slow at night (hour long waits for buses in the cold).

 

We do have intimacy, sex, play games together, chat with his friends, etc, but you are right in that it is becoming rather routine. I really don't think he has the energy to do anything more after 10 hours of work anyway.

[LittleTiger]

Sorry you're feeling so down Elswyth. I'd really like to help but I think I may have missed or forgotten some parts of your 'story'. Can you remind me what the situation is with you guys?

 

He's obviously working all hours and living in a flat with his friends. You visit him 4 evenings per week and he comes to you 3 evenings per week (perhaps now only 2?).

 

I remember that you had some trouble over choosing your accomodation but not the exact outcome. Do you have a self contained flat of your own or do you share some, or even all facilities (except the bedroom of course).

 

What's the current situation with your schooling? Are you waiting to start your postgrad and therefore have nothing at all to do during the day?

 

I'm sorry if I'm asking you to repeat yourself but it would be helpful to be absolutely clear about what's happening here.

 

My own 'picture' is that you're spending all day alone, with nothing to do (and no money), waiting for the evening when you can see your bf. Then on 4 nights you have to travel 30 minutes on cold dark nights just to see him for a few hours. Is that about right?

 

Do you spend the night with him on those nights normally and does he stay with you when he visits or do you go back to your own accommodation?

 

I don't want to go into 'Mum' mode, but if you were my daughter, I'd be a little concerned - I am a little concerned - about how this relocation is currently panning out. Your sleep pattern is obviously disturbed and you seem to be spending an unhealthy amount of time alone.

 

Please forgive me if you think I'm out of line and feel free not to answer my questions - I would just like to help if I can.

[Els]

LT, thanks for the concern!! I'm afraid I can't answer everything as I'm catching a bus in 5 min (I planned to go out more during the day and not get addicted to chatting/forums and miss buses and then decide not to go out), but it's more like I go to his place and stay there (so I don't need to take a bus back late in the night), he comes to my place and sometimes stays but sometimes goes home (since it's safer for him to travel at night).

 

As for the relocation, I will honestly say that even without him, I am happier here than I was in my home country. Yes, I did go through a lot of shyt to get here, such as trouble from my parents, but objectively I would say I like this place a lot better than my homeland.

 

Gotta run, sorry!

[LittleTiger]

LT, thanks for the concern!! I'm afraid I can't answer everything as I'm catching a bus in 5 min (I planned to go out more during the day and not get addicted to chatting/forums and miss buses and then decide not to go out), but it's more like I go to his place and stay there (so I don't need to take a bus back late in the night), he comes to my place and sometimes stays but sometimes goes home (since it's safer for him to travel at night).

 

As for the relocation, I will honestly say that even without him, I am happier here than I was in my home country. Yes, I did go through a lot of shyt to get here, such as trouble from my parents, but objectively I would say I like this place a lot better than my homeland.

 

Gotta run, sorry!

 

OK

 

As long as you are happy with your decision, that's what matters.

 

Just take care of yourself eh?

[Els]

Sure, LT.

 

To be honest, things are not perfect for me. Many things didn't turn out as I expected. But I am still generally happy, with my life now, and with my R, and I guess that's what really matters.

[Els]

Another issue I have noticed since moving here, is a disparity of interest.

 

Back when we were together in our home country, we didn't really spend much time doing stuff outdoors. It was a happy medium - he didn't need to be outdoors but enjoyed mall/city life; I absolutely hated being outdoors because of the hot and humid tropical weather, and I liked (air-conditioned) malls as well. We alternated between spending time at home and going for movies/dinners/hanging out at malls, etc.

 

Here, there are no malls, at least not in the hangout sense. The largest 'mall' is really just a few large departmental stores (think Costco, etc) stuck together. Movies are insanely expensive.

 

He has gone into full-time clinical work here, which involves a lot of walking on the job, and so he usually just wants to stay home (my place or his) on weekends. I, on the other hand, discovered that I love being outdoors here. Not to the point where I need to be out camping and doing extreme sports everyday, but when I look outside and see nice weather, I absolutely want to be outside. I love walking, sightseeing, exploring the place. Also, despite having been here for a much shorter time than he, I seem more well-adapted to the cold than he is. On a 10 degrees celcius day I could chuck off my coat and enjoy the fresh air while he'll still be in his with his hands stuffed in his pockets, saying that it's cold.

 

I'm not quite sure what to do about this. Sure, I could go out without him on weekends, but those are really the only days in which we get to spend the whole day together. I was considering joining a walking/hiking club, but I honestly don't think I'm fit enough to do so. Kiwis are very fit and active people, so their tramping (Kiwi word for hiking) clubs are pretty hardcore, and I'd never be able to keep up, because I lived an almost completely sedentary life for 23 years. My fitness level is gradually increasing now, but it isn't exactly an overnight process.

[aerogurl87]

Well Elswyth at least you're finding these things out before making a permanent commitment to him like getting married or buying a house. Hopefully you two can figure out a way to come to a happy medium once again on these issues.

 

I also think it's funny you mentioned you love being outside in your boyfriend's country when you hated being outside in your own. I'm the same way mostly because it seems like summer is on strike here and refuses to let fall come. I love the heat but it's pretty unbearable and I really don't like being outside unless I'm at a pool where I live now. But I love being outside in my boyfriend's country. Maybe because he lives in a small town which is perfect for taking scenic walks (lots of open fields and ponds near where he lives) and I just love it.

[Ashbash11]

Els-

I just came across your post tonight, and I wanted to comment because I can very much relate to what you are going through. I am in the same position as you are- I relocated a long distance to be with my SO.. I left behind friends and family, as well. It's hard because it's important to have your own life/friends, etc. when you are in a relationship, but when you relocate to be with someone, all you have is them, and it's hard to be alone and try to make friends and acclimate to the new environment on your own.

 

I think it's the responsibility of both yourself AND your SO to get through the transition.. your SO should be understanding and patient with you and help you by giving you support and introducing you to people he knows-friends, family, etc. If you uprooted your life for him, he at least owes you that. I think that if your BF wants space, you should give it to him, but let him know your feelings. Maybe he could spend more time with you in the beginning until you get more comfortable, and then take his space....

[Els]

Nice to hear from you again, Ash.

 

See, if our situation was like you and your bf's, in which the situation makes it impossible for you to see each other sometimes, I would be perfectly okay with things. What annoys me is that in me and my guy's case, it's perfectly possible to see each other everyday - a bit inconvenient, but still possible. Yet he doesn't want to see me 'as much as possible'.

 

In fact, now that I've thought clearly about things, I realize that he doesn't NEED as much time spent together as I do. It isn't that he doesn't enjoy our time together or anything, but to him it's okay if he doesn't see me for some time. That will, sad as it may be, be something I will consider very carefully in deciding for our future.

[Els]

Update: We've been staying together for this month because he was sent for a rural posting in which you can arrange your own accommodation if you like (it's more expensive than the accom they offer, but at least I get to come along, which I can't if he uses the medical centre's accom). It was great so far - granted there's limited internet and amenities, but it's a lovely place with snow-capped mountains and lush forest, so many gorgeous places to hike and walk... and we actually had a double bed which we could sleep in every night instead of having to go home or smushing into one of our single beds!

 

However, he's been out on an emergency house call (he's the trainee doctor) for the past 4 hours now. I'm worried. It's 10am, and the drive back will be dark and windy in the mountain passes. I'm wondering what could've taken that long. Are they like fighting for the guy's life in his own house for the entire time because they can't move him? I just hope he comes back okay...

[LittleTiger]

Elswyth, that's great that you're getting some time together, and in such a lovely place. How romantic. I'm glad you're enjoying the time too. It sounds like just the sort of place my SO and I would enjoy - I'm really quite jealous!

 

Sorry to hear he's been called out. Easier said than done I know, but try not to worry. 4 hours isn't that long for a medical emergency, especially in a mountainous area. He's the trainee doc so he'll be following through with the patient and may need to go to the hospital.

 

I understand what it's like when you're waiting for news. My SO does quite a dangerous job and he always rings x2 to let me know he's finished his shift and he's safe (he used to text but sometimes they wouldn't get through which was horrible for me). A lot of the time I'm asleep because of the time difference (and my phone is on silent) but I wake sometimes during the night and the first thing I do is check my phone. It always puts my mind at rest to see the missed call.

 

Maybe you could ask him to do something similar if he's called out and then perhaps ring you when he's on his way home. I'm sure you'll hear from him soon, if you haven't already.

[Els]

Well. Apparently the thing only took 3 hours, but it took so long cause the consultant doc insisted on bringing him for dinner after keeping him in so late, and he felt it rude to pick up the phone in the middle of his superior's conversation. > Upon seeing my face when he said that he immediately promised to just excuse himself and answer in any such situations in the future, though.

 

Hehe, re: the place, it isn't all a bed of roses, we're staying at a youth hostel to reduce costs so we've to walk out to a shared communal bathroom/toilet whenever we wanna use it, and it's rather tough living, they don't have a pharmacy or shoe store or barber or anything! It's the kind of place people love to visit for a few days but not for a month. But yes, I'm having a great time here regardless. I guess having him come back to me everynight and not having to commute/spend nights apart is way worth it in my book!

 

And gosh yes the mountains are dreamy. I stare at them everyday without fail...

[lawlove]

Your new situation sounds lovely Elswyth. Very romantic if nothing else...although by now it must be coming to an end. Hopefully going back to the city will be good as well.

 

Even though this thread is a bit dated, I thought I'd share my thoughts on time apart.

 

I was in a LDR for a bit more than a year after 6 months previous of living in the same city. My bf moved to my city just two months ago to start a graduate program here. It has been an interesting transition, and its difficult because like your situation, may not be permanent (he is thinking of switching programs which might take him to another city).

 

My bf is finding it difficult to be here in my city, I know. I have lived here for a year and a half, plus my family is from close-by. I live in the same apartment, have all my friends/activities/habits from the last year and basically my life is the same as always, with him just as an added bonus.

 

For him, like you, he has moved away from family and friends to a place where he knows only me. He is lucky in that he is in school so is meeting friends through that, but his program is much smaller and much less social than mine, so I know that is difficult. He feels like he just joined my life in progress. Added to that, he hates the city and doesn't like his school.

 

Still, his attitude is that he likes his alone time! I am the one who is always wanting him to just come along with my friends, stay over, go out with me. We see each other most days, since we are lucky to live across the street from one another, in student housing, but some days it is only for a half hour or lunch. We sleep together usually 5 days a week, and I would say we spend about 3-4 evenings a week fully together (we cook dinner, spend the evening and then sleep over).

 

So don't despair if you go back to the city and things return to the 5/6 days a week thing. I think its common and healthy...and very common for men to want this decompressing time and space. I find he is so much happier and in such a better mood when we do spend time together if I don't bug him about the times he just wants to go home and pass out alone.

 

 

(I used to post under another account here - of course, I've forgotten the name and password, and closed the e-mail account its connected with since I was last here!)