Cora Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 So after having my heart completely shattered two years ago, I'm now learning to accept being single. I've always longed to find that special someone, but I also have to ask myself if it's worth all the pain? I've had a few flings here and there, but nothing meaningful. It does get lonely from time to time, especially when I see couples all around me. I've found it helps though to ask myself....are those couples 100% happy all the time? Doubtful! I also remind myself of how much pain I felt when my last relationship ended....how hurt I was. I mean am I really that eager to go through all of that again? Afterall, it's very rare to find that perfect someone who you'll be happy forever with. It's so much easier to not have your heart broken flying solo. The longing will probably never completely go away, but even if I remain single for the rest of my life I think I'll be okay. I'm learning to be happy on my own and realizing for the first time that my happiness does not rely on someone else. Took me a long time to see that. I have the freedom to do whatever I please. Anyway, I guess I'm just venting a little and trying to figure out my life.
HopeLove Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Is very important that you like being with you. A breakup is very painful and is normaly to ask yourself if it is worth. Although I'm heartbroken I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Maybe it will happen but hopefully not and the "perfect" person doesn't exist. Nobody is perfect.
br0ken_w0lf Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 This is a very difficult step to reach (IMO anyway) but one that is probably necessary *for* future relationships. Still working on it myself actually... But society does not seem to make it easy as it's definitely "a couple's world" out there. When I was younger and single, I used to look at women's ring fingers to see if they were married - now I look at both women *and* men's fingers because I'm curious to see if the person is married or not I guess I feel a bit better when I see another guy roughly my age without a wedding band (yes, that is sad). Like you, I question several things about future relationships: will I find someone I can care about as much or get along with so easily? Will I want to put forth the amount of effort required to build a relationship knowing that there are no guarantees? Natural questions I suppose... I think you're at a good stage, which is to not feel like you *need* someone else to be happy or to be whole. Then, if someone does come along that you click with, they'll just be the icing on the cake of an already great life. Good on ya! Will keep working towards that point myself!
Ajax Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 That is a tough place to get to. I like the iceing on the cake analogy. For me, my ex was definately iceing on the cake. Before I met her I was perfectly fine being single. I didn't even persue anyone because I wanted to be available when "that special someone" came along. Then she did come along and I was glad I'd waited for her. It was magic from day one. Funny thing is that now that she's gone I'm no longer fine being single. I absolutely hate it. I miss the companionship, and I miss her. So when we decide to let someone in and build a relationship we risk losing the ability to be "OK" being alone. Ironically one of our mutual friends told me that one of the reasons my ex left is because she was afraid she was losing herself in the relationship. It's frustrating
Els Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 That is a tough place to get to. I like the iceing on the cake analogy. For me, my ex was definately iceing on the cake. Before I met her I was perfectly fine being single. I didn't even persue anyone because I wanted to be available when "that special someone" came along. Then she did come along and I was glad I'd waited for her. It was magic from day one. Funny thing is that now that she's gone I'm no longer fine being single. I absolutely hate it. I miss the companionship, and I miss her. So when we decide to let someone in and build a relationship we risk losing the ability to be "OK" being alone. Ironically one of our mutual friends told me that one of the reasons my ex left is because she was afraid she was losing herself in the relationship. It's frustrating I totally agree with this. It's much harder to be happy being single again once you've experienced a relationship, especially if it was a passionate, wonderful, everything-you-could-dream-of relationship in the beginning. I don't think I've ever been completely happy being single ever since my first bf, but I certainly was perfectly content for the 18 years of singlehood. I totally admire you for being able to reach that place again, Cora.
Quest Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I see it like this ... Being in good relationship which has its own momentum, passion, fun, companionship .... nothing better. Being in a not-so-good relationship without all the above ... often lonely and stressful for all it's a 'couples' world'. Being single and feeling that there's something wrong with you ... lonely, miserable, bleak. Being single and feeling fine about it, enjoying friends, the time to do what you want to do, going out and socialising ... almost as good as being in a good relationship and definitely better than being in a flagging one. .............. Basically, if it was so wonderful being in just any long term relationship, half of all marriages wouldn't break up. That's not to say that 'special someone' wouldn't be nice ... but there's a lot of luck and timing involved in finding that.
ohno89 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I have to personally agree with Ajax and Elswyth on this one...my first serious relationship was at 18, 19ish and I although I was fine before, I can certainly understand people being caught by the "love bug" and always being in relationships or clinging on to past ones...however, I can understand this without feeling the need to just jump straight into another relationship or keep in touch with my ex (this time anyway!) - in this instance, I must endure the pain and hope I'll cope out of it a stronger person. I do believe you can become happy being single again but I think it'll just take a lot of time depending on how serious the relationship was.. I do admire your outlook though...however, Sod's Law makes me think the minute any of us are finally happy being single, the love of our lives will probably walk through the door
LoveTruthChaos Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 ...however, Sod's Law makes me think the minute any of us are finally happy being single, the love of our lives will probably walk through the door Yes, it's true. It happened to me! Although, admittedly, I had been in a couple of friendship-turned-cuddle buddy situations that hadn't turned out too well and I had publicly made the declaration to one of my best friends that I wanted to be a lesbian - just 5 minutes before I met my ex. Think I might make the declaration again I was single for 6 years before my ex, and he was the 'magical saviour' I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for. I need to get back to that single stage. I wrote a big list of what I wanted out of a man before I met him, and he fit EVERY bill, no exceptions. Careful what you wish for...
ohno89 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Yes, it's true. It happened to me! Although, admittedly, I had been in a couple of friendship-turned-cuddle buddy situations that hadn't turned out too well and I had publicly made the declaration to one of my best friends that I wanted to be a lesbian - just 5 minutes before I met my ex. Think I might make the declaration again I was single for 6 years before my ex, and he was the 'magical saviour' I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for. I need to get back to that single stage. I wrote a big list of what I wanted out of a man before I met him, and he fit EVERY bill, no exceptions. Careful what you wish for... Gosh, no way?! Yeah maybe you do need to make a similar little declaration again and see what happens! LTC, this list you wrote, did it still stand true just before the break up? Be honest with yourself... it's so easy - even after realising all their faults - it's still all too easy to completely ignore these and only see the good... I literally did it today! However, that list of his good traits does get shorter and harder to list every time which I guess should be a good thing!
Author Cora Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Don't get me wrong....I'm still not 100% fine with being single, but I'm a lot stronger than I was. I still get that twinge of jealousy whenever I see a couple walking hand in hand etc. I have my moments when I get lonely and depressed....mostly around the holidays. (but I think that's pretty normal right?) I still look forward to someday falling in love/getting married/starting a family etc., but if it never happens I can finally say I'm okay with that. It's all about weighing the pros and cons. There are pros and cons to being both in a relationship and single. If I don't have anyone in my life to get attached to then I can't end up getting hurt. It doesn't ever stop that longing inside of me, but I know that I'm just fine on my own. I've still got some work to do though. It's tough....that's for certain!
YSS Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I don't have anyone in my life to get attached to then I can't end up getting hurt. Cora - Healing from having our hearts shattered is far from easy. Learning to accept to be single and happy is a journey. The one thing I would caution you, as noted in the bold above, do not associate every future attachment with getting hurt. Cause in this mind-set, fear will always hold you back. Life has no gurantees...we all know this and without some courage and a leap of faith, we may always remain stuck. Its one thing to be genunely happy on your own and its another to "force/convince" yourself. There is nothing wrong nor weak about wanting a relationship and companionship...hell we are not monks! Its ensuring our fears do not hold us back from trying again. We all know, we need to deal with our past in order to have a future, cause he who is stuck in teh past has no future. Good luck to you.
LikeCharlotte Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hi Cora. I am still here too. While I have no real complaints about my current relationship I still have things to work out. There is nothing wrong with how you feel or being timid after you were hurt. The important thing is that you keep trying. Get mad! Tell yourself "I am not going to let that one bad experience ruin my future" and don't put a time limit on it. We've all been burned. If you let it ruin you then that is all you are. Ruined. Get back on that horse and learn to ride. Single is fun and I personally enjoy being on my own but people need people and I would hate to see you quit trying because of one jerk. You are not helpless and you are human. Work through it because you need to have something to offer if it is your intent to find someone that is right for you.
Author Cora Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 YSS....thank you! You know, you are right. Fear is a big part of it. I am so afraid of getting attached to someone else. I'm just not ready to go through that pain again anytime soon. I know it sounds like I expect it to happen and maybe I do. I just think I was too careless the last time around. I needed to be more cautious and I wasn't. I'm still trying to find an even balance between being a little cautious and being overly cautious and letting fear control me. I think if I find that even balance then I can open myself up enough to find love again if it comes along, but yet not be so hurt and heartbroken if things don't work out. Elswyth and Charlotte....it's so great to see you girls again! I've missed this place and don't come here as much as I used to. Thank you for the great advice! It's funny how much one jerk can effect you isn't it? I am learning a lot about myself though and realizing how much happiness I can have on my own! I think that was a huge reason why I was so hurt before. I based my happiness too much on another person and when that relationship ended I felt like the world was ending. Silly I know! Hope you girls are doing well!
worlybear Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Read your thread with interest as I am now single after being married 25+ years.(Bit older than you, I think ! It has been (still is !) a very steep learning curve. Our society is very much geared up to couples and families and I have found it difficult to meet new people socially. Initially I rushed out and joined everything in sight but I am now coming to see that its not all its cracked up to be! I still worry that my youngest daughter (no contact with her dad) has no father in her life but it doesn't mean that anyone will do- and that goes for me ,too! I would like to be in a new relationship one day but if it doesn't happen then I intend to enjoy my life anyway and not just assume that I need another person to make me feel whole.
YSS Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Cora - our fears can literally run our lives and its a hard balance. The truth of the matter is - we have to try. We owe it to ourselves to have happiness and compansionship in our lives - and above all "love". To deny that, is not normal nor healthy on any level. A good part of it is knowing what you need in a partner in terms of values, beliefs and shared interest. Its also knowing that you WANT to and are WILLING to put the effort into a relationship. All relationships require investment, afterall, what you put in you get out. The balance, is not to invest more than you can afford to loose. Part of letting the fear go, is also letting the past hurt go and ultimately not defining ourselves by that past hurt (it amazes me as to how many posters here define themselves by that loss ie - wife left me for another man, boyfriend said i was difficult etc). We also need to remove our EX from the pedestal or mentally STOP convincing oursleves that no one else will match up. This is the repeated pain I see over and over in this section in folks coping cause their lost love seems so perfect to them. To truly find happiness again, each person who enters our lives needs to be evaluated on their own merits. What they bring to us, how they inspire us to be better and do we feel better/happier/lighter in their presence. Not to be compared to our EX rather they shoudl not pay for the sins/hurts of a past love anymore than we should pay for the sins'/actions of someone else's past love. We then merely become collatoral damage and there is enough pain in this world that we owe it to ourselves and others to get our acts together so not to do that to an undeserving person. Hope what I wrote makes some sense. Good luck to you.
Recommended Posts