danny1972 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 i seperated from my ex about 6 months ago , for the second time , we fought a lot ,and was both drinking way to much and i know she has issues from her past so decided to go our seperate ways . during this time i managed to get my drinking under controll and limit my self to going out once every 2 weeks ,i have done all the texting , and calling etc ... she never initiated contact once during this period . a few days ago we bumped in to each other and spent the remainder of the day together we laughed and talked seemed the spark was still there she said she still has feelings we went back to my flat for a chat where she told me she was loosing her job etc we cuddled on the sofa but nothing more she left . the next day i got her 2 application forms for a job ,and phoned a therapy support group for her issues ,she always wanted help just didn't know how to do it so i got the ball rolling and she agreed to go for an assesment with these people ,yesterday i asked her outright on the phone is there any chance of getting back together , she said it didnt work last time so no sorry . our main problem before was drinking to much and the fact that she had these issues i suppose made her drink to forget her past , i said to her i have addressed my problems and hopefully you will attend therapy so no reason why we couldnt start again now that we are adressing the problems that caused the break up in the first place ,but she still says no i think her heart is saying yes but her head is saying no , any help here would be great
Oxo Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hi Danny, Sorry to hear things aren't working out but firstly - well done on identifying your issues and trying to sort them out. That is such an important step! Secondly - just a couple of questions to get a better idea - how long were you together, and how old are both of you?
Author danny1972 Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 sure we were together approx 2and a half years she is 31 and im 38
Oxo Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 What I get from the post is that she has a fair bit of stuff to work on, and unfortunately, once she is in a better place it will not guarantee that she wants to give it another shot. She has been pretty clear on the fact that she doesn't think it will work, and you are both mature adults so I can only assume she knows what she wants quite well. I'm sorry, I know this probably isn't what you wanted to read, in my opinion you'd get a lot more out of just focusing on you right now and leaving her be. If she comes back after some therapy and wants to try again, fantastic! But don't wait for it to happen because if it doesn't, it may cause you to start drinking more. Put yourself first
Author danny1972 Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 oxo i understand completly what your saying , and your right i need to leave this situation i cant force her to come back i realize that now , thanks fo rthe reply
Oxo Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 No worries I had a lot of problems a few years back with various things and my boyf at the time tried to help me all the time but I did nothing to change. When he broke up with me and went NC on me, it shocked me so much because I had lost my "security". Needless to say, I went to therapy and sorted myself out (for the most part lol) and if he hadn't walked away from me, I never would've worked on myself
Rooooob Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hey, Danny. First of all I just wanted to say that I think its awesome that you got your drinking under control. That alone is something to hang your hat on. You may just be at a better place in your life than she is. She may not feel like she can handle the potential disappointment of another breakup with the two of you. Keep doing what you're doing, but ease off of the "Let's get back together" stuff. She still has feelings for you, so try arranging some get togethers every now and then. Make it seem like no big deal. Start off with something small, though. And don't make it seem like a date. Just get her out so you two can focus on having a good time, and nothing more. The ball is in your court more than you realize.
Author danny1972 Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 hi roooob thanks for the post , i understand what you are saying but with regards to meeting up i cant do that everytime i see her my feelings come back ill just be torturing my self again , plus i would rather not know if she is seeing someone etc.. i'd be back to square one i would rather let her go if she comes back it's meant to be if not at least ill be in a better place
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