Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I was just reading in another thread where someone said that sometimes the MM tells the BS that the OW was just fun and begs forgiveness. And that if the BS is trying for R then the MM is probably not being completely honest to the BS. I think this is what happened in my case. MM admitted that his BS thinks we were only about sex and that is why she was staying with him. I said, why didn't you tell her you loved me like you tell me? He said that he didn't wan to hurt her and he wasn't sure if I really wanted to be with him. Then more recently, one of the things that made me decide I needed to end this, he said that she asked him if he still had feelings for me. I asked him what his answer was and he said he started to talk about something (probably trying to change the subject I guess) and she said, "Well, I know you're still seeing her" and walked out of the room. I said, why are you telling her and me two different things? He said he knew I would have a problem with that but he wasn't ready to tell her, he wanted to be able to leave to be with me and get divorced, which he said meant having a place to live and putting aside enough money because as soon as he moved out his assets would be frozen. I got mad and said I can't believe he is using money as a reason he hasn't been truthful with both of us. That people without money have affairs and get divorced all the time. It just sickened me that he was lying to me AND to her. If I am that important to him then he should just tell her. But instead he protects himself and claims to be waiting to get his ducks lined up but really I think he was just waffling and staying put and saying whatever he needed to say to both of us to get both of us to stay with him. This makes me feel disgusted with myself, for having no respect for myself, or for his wife. I don't know what to do about this feeling. I guess just feel it until hopefully it goes away? They have been married for a long time and he said in the beginning he absolutely loved her a lot. So who's to say he couldn't do this to me? And already he is telling her I was just about sex, while telling me I am the love of his life.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 It just sickened me that he was lying to me AND to her. why would his surprise you? he tells any woman what they need to hear in order to get what he wants... from you it may just be for sex. looks like that's what he told her. If I am that important to him then he should just tell her. because he's not going to leave his wife. his action have shown you that already. start believing him when his actions show you what his words won't tell you. he lies. THAT you do know. why do YOU intend to stay with a blatant liar?
2sunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 What is a "BS?" (seriously) betrayed spouse - in this case the MM's wife...
WowReally Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 why would his surprise you? he tells any woman what they need to hear in order to get what he wants... from you it may just be for sex. looks like that's what he told her. because he's not going to leave his wife. his action have shown you that already. start believing him when his actions show you what his words won't tell you. he lies. THAT you do know. why do YOU intend to stay with a blatant liar? Ditto! It's one big head game...
skydiveaddict Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 betrayed spouse - in this case the MM's wife... Thank you..............
Author Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 (edited) he lies. THAT you do know. why do YOU intend to stay with a blatant liar? Sorry, I should have given a little intro for clarification. I went into NC mode with limited success. I do not want to stay with him while he strings me along. Being in NC has helped me realize a lot of things. He does keep calling me and texting me and I have stupidly given in to talking to him but I'm trying to stay NC and I don't want to be with him unless he leaves her, which, as you pointed out, is highly unlikely. Edited September 19, 2010 by Star_Bright
Author Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 He could be lying to you and not his wife. I have recently figured out that most women won't agree to just have sex. Maybe you are one of those. I know that he lies to his wife because I have heard him do it. He is the one who got all emotional when, as not-wise and wrong of me as it was, all I was thinking it was going to be was a roll in the hay. So not all MM want just sex either there buddy. I can guarantee you that exMM was allllll about the emotions, he is one of those guys who needs his ego stroked constantly. "Maybe you are one of those." Not that I don't have issues but I think from reading your other posts that you have deep issues so FYI I don't really take your "advice" seriously.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Sorry, I should have given a little intro for clarification. I went into NC mode with limited success. I do not want to stay with him while he strings me along. Being in NC has helped me realize a lot of things. He does keep calling me and texting me and I have stupidly given in to talking to him but I'm trying to stay NC and I don't want to be with him unless he leaves her, which, as you pointed out, is highly unlikely. highly unlikely is right. do this. do not communicate with him unless his divorce is FINAL. then, and only then - will you really know if he intends to leave his wife - THAT will be enough evidence to believe him. any words he uses are designed for HIS best interest, not yours - especially a man with an ego as big as you described.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 highly unlikely is right. do this. do not communicate with him unless his divorce is FINAL. then, and only then - will you really know if he intends to leave his wife - THAT will be enough evidence to believe him. any words he uses are designed for HIS best interest, not yours - especially a man with an ego as big as you described. I told him I wouldn't be with him unless he moves out. I realize now that this probably won't happen. And I don't even want to talk to him unless it does. I am trying to get stronger about ignoring his calls and texts. I want to be done with it because I know it is less than I deserve. Good point about his words being for his interest only. They are just a lot of talk and he is really good at using them on me. WAS really good. I don't want to fall for it anymore.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I told him I wouldn't be with him unless he moves out. I realize now that this probably won't happen. And I don't even want to talk to him unless it does. I am trying to get stronger about ignoring his calls and texts. I want to be done with it because I know it is less than I deserve. Good point about his words being for his interest only. They are just a lot of talk and he is really good at using them on me. WAS really good. I don't want to fall for it anymore. even IF he moves out - you are set for a TON of pain going through the process if he intends to divorce. most MM waffle too. they go back and forth, IF the W allows this. when she calls, he goes running... could you handle that? my exH still does it after five years, i need something- he comes running, even if i never asked him to. makes me feel sorry for his wife. i'm sure he doesn't tell her. even lying by omission is still a lie.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 2sunny- I honestly don't know. I like to think I would understand he has an exMM just like he has kids. They are very different of course but it's not like I can block out the fact that he has been married for so long and there are bound to be leftover ties and needs. I know that if he moved out and then went back home, I would be done. I couldn't stand being hurt over and over again like that while he went back and forth. That's why I told him to be sure he really wants to divorce before he moves out. I know it would be a very tough process for him and not a bed of roses at all. But at the time I went NC I felt like I could handle it because I love him, as long as he was actively pursuing a future with me instead of going back to his past with her. Now, I question everything, the biggest thing being that he would ever actually move out, so it all seems like rhetorical questions. My biggest realizations during NC have just been more about his character and the nature of this situation. I know everyone makes mistakes and messes up but it starts to seem to me that he is just deceitful and this is just how he operates. I hate seeing him in this light and strangely I do still love him but I am just seeing him and things more for what they really are, I guess.
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