Her idea, so why is she emotional??

[Fooser]

And so the saga carries on. Some of you know my situation, but here it is briefly.

 

My wife told me 6 weeks ago she wants to separate. She wants no councelling and the house is pretty much sold, and I have separation agreement in hand. We had a few issues to work out with it, but I had to see my lawyer yesterday. When she asked me how things went, I told her some of the small changes we came up with. One is a real sticky issue, but I think we will deal with it as it comes along.

 

When she walked in the door after work, she was pretty much looking to get into a verbal pissing match. I engaged, but not for more than a few minutes, and I pulled away from the conversation trying to remember some of the 180 steps. I have been practicing these steps for the past few days.

 

I had plans for the evening and I was ready to go. I said goodbye to my daughter, looked for my son but he wasn't around to do the same, so I just walked out the door without saying anything to my wife. 20 minutes later my cell rings, and she was crying because she said I din't say goodbye to the kids. When I said that I did, she then mentioned that I didn't say goodbye to her? What the hell?

 

She then said sorry for the way she acted citing that work was really busy and she was tired. Oh, did I mention that she was also getting emotional at work too when she called me on her break? So what the hell is going on with her?

 

Why do I get the feeling that she is having issues with my getting on with things the same way she is? Is it possible that she didn't think I would be able to organize myself to get on with my life? Is she struggling with her head and heart about actually going through with all of this even though we both have legal councel, and the house is pretty much sold?

 

I don't get why she seems to be flip flopping with her emotions sometimes?

 

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

 

 

Fooser

[Woggle]

It is a blow to a walkaway wife's ego when the man is not a blubbering heartbroken mess.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

It is a blow to a walkaway wife's ego when the man is not a blubbering heartbroken mess.

 

How so very true your statement is!

 

 

Fooser : The time of trying and "second guessing" why your wife is feeling certain things is done! Don't concentrate too much on your wife, just keep things about "you" right now. I'm not saying be mean to her, or be abusive to her, or even be uncivilized to her. I'm just saying keep focusing on what you need from "yourself" right now, and from no one else! If there is communication, keep it short and sweet, but keep it honest as well.

 

People can drive themselves nut's by always trying to wonder why people "flip flop" with their emotions. Let her work things out for herself, I wouldn't try to inject your personal opinions into her mix right now. No need to try and analyze her right now, no need playing guessing games as to why she is doing what she is doing, if you just handle your affairs and business during this critical time in your life, you will come out ahead.

 

But there again, if selling off the house and divorcing isn't something that your not 100% about, than my words mean nothing.

[Angel1111]

It is a blow to a walkaway wife's ego when the man is not a blubbering heartbroken mess.

 

There may be some truth to this statement but I will say that usually when a person makes the decision to leave their marriage, after numerous attempts to work out the problems, they typically don't second-guess themselves. In my case, it wouldn't have mattered to me what my husband did or didn't do. The reason for that is because by the time I left, I knew in my heart of hearts that the relationship was not fixable.

 

Maybe in the case of Fooser's wife she hasn't really made peace with the whole thing. In other words, she may have been too rash about ending the marriage without being certain that it was fixable or not. I don't know because I don't know the whole story. There is also that part where no matter how much a person wants out of a marriage, they still grieve. Even the person who makes the decision to leave, it's still the end of a dream for them, as well. The only difference is that when I grieved the loss of that dream, it never occured to me to turn to my future ex about it. The fact that she's turning to him tells me that she's having doubts.

Edited September 19, 2010 by Angel1111

[Fooser]

A big part of the problem was my drinking. It made me emotionally detached from her for a number of years. I am currently addressing this situation for me, because I need to do that to lead a better life. She has told me in the past that she wasn't happy, but never really elaborated too much as to why until the end. So she was leaving it up to me to figure out why she was unhappy with things.....she left it up to the drunk who was emotionally detached.

 

So, yes she would tell me about her not being happy, but she never really offered a solution to get it all figured out.

 

When we signed the papers to list the house, she got emotional. When we discuss the separation agreemen, she gets emotional. ANytime we talk about something where it deals with ending our marriage, she gets emotional. And again, I am finding her appologizing for her actions and the way she speaks to me whenever she wants to pick a verbal tiff with me. Perhaps she is trying to justify to herself as to why she is leaving. I don't know?

 

When I got back to the house after midnight the other night to tell her that I moved over some funds into a joint account like she requested, I walked in, told her and she was awake. She grabbed my hand and said thanks for looking after that, and once again said sorry. Again she sounded a bit upset.

 

So yes, perhaps I am reading into this situation a bit too much. But I am still in love with my wife, kids and the dream of it all working out in the end. But trust me, I do realize that right now it is a dream and I am progressing myself foreward to do what I need to do. I will continue to do this as I need to get my life on track.

 

It seems as if she might be thinking that this isn't as easy as she thought. But who am I to say? I'm inside the situation, and you guys aren't. Thats why we blog here right? To hear the outside perspective on our lives.

 

 

Fooser.

[You Go Girl]

A big part of the problem was my drinking. It made me emotionally detached from her for a number of years.

So, yes she would tell me about her not being happy, but she never really offered a solution to get it all figured out.

Ok, so she wasn't master psychologist. Look around at these threads on LS, half of them are laughable. People aren't as smart as they think. After reading posts here for nearly a year, I've decided that people are much more stupid than they give themselves credit for. Not saying your W is stupid, saying we all are.

So she didn't offer a solution--are you?

When we signed the papers to list the house, she got emotional. When we discuss the separation agreemen, she gets emotional. ANytime we talk about something where it deals with ending our marriage, she gets emotional.

Umm...divorce hurts. Why shouldn't she get emotional? Do you really think a mother of two children would be stoic at this point in her life?

And again, I am finding her appologizing for her actions and the way she speaks to me whenever she wants to pick a verbal tiff with me. Perhaps she is trying to justify to herself as to why she is leaving. I don't know?

Yes, she is trying to justify leaving. It isn't easy leaving a drunk. There's always that feeling of pity. At the same time, she thinks of the knight in shining armor you could have been for her, but were only sometimes, or rarely.

 

So yes, perhaps I am reading into this situation a bit too much. But I am still in love with my wife, kids and the dream of it all working out in the end. But trust me, I do realize that right now it is a dream and I am progressing myself foreward to do what I need to do. I will continue to do this as I need to get my life on track.

 

 

It seems as if she might be thinking that this isn't as easy as she thought. But who am I to say? I'm inside the situation, and you guys aren't. Thats why we blog here right? To hear the outside perspective on our lives.

 

 

Fooser.

 

Yes, it isn't as easy as she thought. It is very difficult to leave a person you have loved.

So you still love your wife and want the dream to continue of having your family intact?

Then get down on your knees and promise you'll never put your mistress--alcohol-- above her and the kids again, and mean it, OR DON'T SAY IT.

 

This is the end of the line. Choose, now, who you love better. Alcohol or your family.

You can no longer have both. I know it sucks. You want both, darnit.

Too bad. Those days are over.

I suggest MC every week for a few years for the two of you if you give it a shot.

[Meatballsmom]

I don't understand.

 

In your first thread moving quickly, you want to fix things and save your family. And in this meeting you have a chance to make points, and you show her that you that you are moving on by not being civil and saying good bye to her.

 

And you wonder why she is leaving you

 

Did you ever think that maybe she is still looking for signs that maybe you can straighten your act up?

[You Go Girl]

Did you ever think that maybe she is still looking for signs that maybe you can straighten your act up?

 

I wrote that long post and meatballsmom so succinctly wrote it all in one sentence!

[BellaBellaBella]

I have some issues of a different sort with my husband. I have begged him for a change from his addiction, computers for years. He ignored my requests.

 

Now something has changed in our lives and he has come to realize ignoring my needs isn't what he wants. I am hurt that it took something like this to make him change.

 

Is it possible that your wife was worn out with your issues and that is why she rejected counseling?

 

Is it possible she never felt you would change? That you saw it was hurting her and didn't?

 

While it is very true that changing for someone else will not work with an addiction. Is it possible your change to doing it for yourself, has hurt her?

Making it seem as in my case, she wasn't a good enough reason for you to change?

 

Have you sat down and talked to her about this? Have you asked her if she wants to reconsider cousneling? Is it possible that she didn't want to go with a drunk, as it doesn't work? Is it possible that now your addressing your issues, she is regreting this?

 

I would think for peace of mine, you might ask her these questions?

 

I would rather know from the source then ask a bunch of strangers.

[Angel1111]

It's obvious that this has nothing to do with her ego at all and I didn't think it did. Unfortunately, you're being extremely passive about it and I'm sure that's one of the reasons she's so hurt. Please do not put the repsonsibility on her when you basically destroyed your marriage with drinking. This one thing - being an alcoholic - is a complete and total dealbreaker. Did she really have to tell you that? The responsitility was, and still is, yours. I think I can see now why she's so upset. She didn't want the marriage to end but she could no longer take your behavior, not to mention letting the kids grow up around that. She didn't want it but she felt she had no choice. I'm sure she's hoping that you'll do something to show that you truly love her because, over the years, she stopped believing that.

 

You know, when I left an abusive husband of mine who was also a heavy drinker, I cried my heart out while I was sitting in the courtroom alone, waiting to see the judge. I'm the one who left him but he left me no choice. Still, it was incredibly heartbreaking. All I could think was 'here goes another relationship, here goes something that I thought would work, here I am having to walk away again.'

 

It sounds to me like your wife still loves you but doesn't believe she can trust you to be a good husband. With all these responsible things that you're doing for her now, she's probably wondering why it is that you're suddenly acting this way. I would also wonder why it is you don't ask her why she's upset when she acts that way. In a very real sense, you're still emotionally detached. If you really want your marriage to work out, talk to her about separating instead of divorcing. You still need to move out and deal with your problem, but if you can deal with it and learn to be a good husband and father, I'm guessing that your marriage could be salvaged.

[Fooser]

I guess I should have been more clear about the efforts I put in when the house was caving in.

 

I begged her to go to councelling. I tried my best to convince her that a marriage is worth trying to save. I started my own councelling to deal with my problems without her knowing, although she now knows I am. Let's be clear about this, I never once was abusive towards her in the marriage. She aknowleges that. With her, it's all the little things I either did or didn't do.

 

There have been many attempts and tears from me to try and get this to the point where she will try with me to work this out. As for being passive, what do I have left when someone says that we are through? How long do I keep trying? I have to do this councelling for me for right now and no one else. It's me that needs to be fixed. When me is fixed, then hopefully I can be better for me as well as everyone else in my life whether she wants to be involved in it or not. I would love it if she would like to, and trust me, I've told her that many times.

 

YGG (I think it was her) said the one thing that will show my wife that I am serious is sobriety and time. I think she is right. I am not denying any part of what I had in our problems, but I am willing to do the right thing and get them corrected. That isn't exactly being passive is it? At the end of it all, I am choosing my marriage, one that I may not get back. My wife knows what I want. It's up to her if she wants the same thing, but I am trying.

 

Things are getting a wee bit clearer every day for me the longer I have been away from the bottle. I have a long road ahead of me that is going to get tougher before it gets easier. But I am choosing this path.

 

I need to prove to myself first that I can do this before anyone else should believe it I guess.

 

 

Fooser

[Angel1111]

I guess I should have been more clear about the efforts I put in when the house was caving in.

 

I begged her to go to councelling. I tried my best to convince her that a marriage is worth trying to save. I started my own councelling to deal with my problems without her knowing, although she now knows I am. Let's be clear about this, I never once was abusive towards her in the marriage. She aknowleges that. With her, it's all the little things I either did or didn't do.

 

There have been many attempts and tears from me to try and get this to the point where she will try with me to work this out. As for being passive, what do I have left when someone says that we are through? How long do I keep trying? I have to do this councelling for me for right now and no one else. It's me that needs to be fixed. When me is fixed, then hopefully I can be better for me as well as everyone else in my life whether she wants to be involved in it or not. I would love it if she would like to, and trust me, I've told her that many times.

 

YGG (I think it was her) said the one thing that will show my wife that I am serious is sobriety and time. I think she is right. I am not denying any part of what I had in our problems, but I am willing to do the right thing and get them corrected. That isn't exactly being passive is it? At the end of it all, I am choosing my marriage, one that I may not get back. My wife knows what I want. It's up to her if she wants the same thing, but I am trying.

 

Things are getting a wee bit clearer every day for me the longer I have been away from the bottle. I have a long road ahead of me that is going to get tougher before it gets easier. But I am choosing this path.

 

I need to prove to myself first that I can do this before anyone else should believe it I guess.

 

 

Fooser

 

To clarify, my ex was verbally abusive, not physically. Although I'm sure it would've gone there eventually. What I meant by being passive is that you don't ask her what's wrong when she's upset. You might at least say something to her like, 'I'm sorry you're hurting. We both are.' That would go a long way I think. Your situation is quite different than a typical divorce because even though you're leaving, you still want the marriage to work and she probably does too, and you still have hopes in that direction. Your situation is not the same as someone who has decided that there are no more chances.

 

I totally agree that the two of you don't need to be together right now. There's too much water under the bridge and the trust is lost. But it does sound like your marriage has a chance and I hope things work out. It's one day at a time right now and it'll all be worth it in the end. And, if nothing else, look at the wonderful message that you'll be sending your children - that people can make different choices, that they can better their lives. They will never forget that and it will completely change them...for the better.

[You Go Girl]

Do whatever it takes to stay sober. Everything else is second right now, you are absolutely correct in that.

We--those of us who have been close to alcoholics--may know and understand her pain, but...we are on your side with the sobriety and rooting for you like no tomorrow. Do it. Get sober. Get sober for you. Get sober for her. Get sober for us watching you. Get sober for life's sake, get sober to live!

Your original question--you wanted to know why she is emotional although she seems to want this.

Because it hurts.