hurtalot Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I am new here. I first saw this site last night when I found out my husband of 8 years had been cheating on me for the last 4 years. billswi is my husband. We have had normal issues off and on for years but I always assumed it was normal. It was eye opening reading his way of describing us and me. I want to Thank those who backed me and oddly enough said a lot of things I have said the last 3 weeks when all of this came to my attention. I am basically numb at this point. Someone that I have loved so much for 13 years and have done nothing but given all of me to at all times could be so hurtful. I was hurt by his words of my lack of exercise. I am 5'5 and 140lbs. Not that overweight. I have 2 small children who exhaust me all the time. I own a business that I have to run 24-7. And as most of you have heard he obviously needed sex that badly that I was not enough. I don't feel just laying there is appropriate so when I do have sex I give 110% of me. So no if that is once a week then that is all I have. So I really wanted to come on here to Thank those of you who understood me and how I feel. He needs help lots and lots of help. I do love him which I'm trying to stop but this is what is going to take time. I am confused and numb. I only keep focusing on what he did by cheating on me, repeatedly for 4 years. How do I move on? How do I let this go so it doesn't eat me alive? Have others been through this and even made it? Since these posts is how I found out I do appreciate it being here otherwise it could have been another 4 years of my life living a lie. Thanks hurtlots
BellaBellaBella Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Do you want to recover your marriage or move forward to D? Bella
hopesndreams Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Take control. File for D. Go NC on his unsorry azz. Deal with past hurts and have no more future hurts from him. It's you time! Time to rediscover you. It's a fantastic ride. Sure, there are devastating lows but with that, there will be incredible highs. You will get through this. You are tough and strong and you don't want or need someone in your life that treats you like garbage. You can't fix him, so don't waste time and energy trying. He's a morally bankrupt lost soul and the further you get away from him, the better you will feel.
Author hurtalot Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 I don't know what i want this is the problem. I see him and I just can't put 2 and 2 together that this person who I have known since I was 17 and opened my entire heart to could do something this horrible. I am still very attracted to him except now constantly seeing other women on him in my mind. I love my children but would never stay with someone if they don't love me....all of me even the bad. I knew some of his bad for years and I accepted them.
hopesndreams Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Your heart is in control right now. In time, your brain will take over. What has your H done, through actions, these last 3 weeks since Dday?
Author hurtalot Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 You can read his posts billswi 3 weeks ago...he just texted me saying he wasn't happy anymore and didn't know if he wanted any of it. So after talking alot we find out he is blaming me for the way the economy has gone. I started a business 3 years ago. It has been hard...but it has continued to get busier and busier. He has had to give me money from his business that he owns to support my business. All things that we knew would happen and he agreed to...he even signed the bank papers with me. So for 3 weeks I had to live with him making me feel like I was the problem and the issue and that I needed to work on my body more..(because I have so much extra time when I'm taking care of the kids). I felt horrible for putting our family in this situation....now after last night and reading his posts.....I'm pissed!
Author hurtalot Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Part of me would love to cheat on him so he can feel the pain but the other part of me would never do this to anyone.
trippi1432 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hi Hurts A Lot - I am so pleased to meet you...Trippi here but also...aka BH&T. I posted on your ex's thread and glad to see that you found it. I really wish my ex had the balls to engage me on here. I can see that you have your work cut out for you. Darling - you are not the one with low self esteem, your husband is. If he is not happy with you, someone else will be. Is it easy to put behind you? No...you worked hard, raised the children and contributed to a marriage he gave you no credit for. Your H, if he were the man he should be, would love you and want to see you happy....instead, his own happiness is all he is thinking about. I don't like saying this as I think that most marriages are fixable if people could lay down their selfishness and pride long enough to work on it....after many posts to your STBX, you can do better. He needs to see beyond just sexual fantasies and see you as the valuable woman you are. When a man doesn't respect you, what is left and why would you want to please him? Really?
Author hurtalot Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 You are completely right and I know that but man getting my heart to let go is another story. I am the type of person when a fight is started I always give in so the other isn't hurting anymore. I know I'm a good person and that I will find someone that makes me happy and truely loves me for me. But the unknown is the fear I have. Then to top it off he is so damn nice to me still. I know me finding out was the only thing to stop me from constantly letting things go. One of the things that pisses me off so much is that years ago. I told him I needed him to do more for me sexually. I needed him to turn me on instead of me having to turn myself on all the time. This was one of the reasons we didn't do it much. I was told "it's to hard to turn you on" "why aren't you turned on just by seeing me like I am for you"....duh I'm a female and need that touch and love. I have told him this for years and now he tells me he needed more. Never said anything back then but now. Thank you all very much for being so normal and nice. I don't know who to talk to right now about this. It helps to hear others say I can make it though this.
trippi1432 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 (edited) You are completely right and I know that but man getting my heart to let go is another story. I am the type of person when a fight is started I always give in so the other isn't hurting anymore. I know I'm a good person and that I will find someone that makes me happy and truely loves me for me. But the unknown is the fear I have. Then to top it off he is so damn nice to me still. I know me finding out was the only thing to stop me from constantly letting things go. One of the things that pisses me off so much is that years ago. I told him I needed him to do more for me sexually. I needed him to turn me on instead of me having to turn myself on all the time. This was one of the reasons we didn't do it much. I was told "it's to hard to turn you on" "why aren't you turned on just by seeing me like I am for you"....duh I'm a female and need that touch and love. I have told him this for years and now he tells me he needed more. Never said anything back then but now. Thank you all very much for being so normal and nice. I don't know who to talk to right now about this. It helps to hear others say I can make it though this. You know, this is one of the things I pinpointed in your H's posts...women don't just "turn on" at the drop of a hat years later...taking care of the kids all day...etc, etc. Men who only see their wives as sex objects are kidding themselves as to what marriage really is. Sex is the most intimate time that each can give something to each other and be happy and satisfied...but if the moment you step into the bedroom, the only thing you know is the humility of being put down five minutes before...it's hard to be receptive to having sex. My ex didn't respect me outside of the bedroom so he had no choice but to find a way to "turn me on" because my head wasn't in the game due to his lack of respect. When he brought that same lack of respect to the bedroom at the end of our marriage, I knew it was over. From your H's posts, I'm sorry, but you deserve more respect than what he is giving you....nice or not..it's manipulative, it's not respect. I'm betting that you would have no problem being turned on by a man who treated you better than that. Edited September 19, 2010 by trippi1432
You Go Girl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Aw, hugs hurtsalot! You must be in quite a bit of pain. Not your fault. Billswi's fault. He did that to you. You can't cure another person's selfishness and immaturity. We simply don't have that kind of power. Understand? Now you need to move past that pain. How? Get smart. Take a look at him. Not with your eyes--not with your heart--but with your smarts. He cheated on you for 4 years. Do you realize what that means? It means he is so selfish and immature that he could live a lie for 4 years! Now that long of a problem simply isn't curable overnight, and could take another 4 years just to get him to the maturity level you are at. Nobody said this life was going to be easy. Those who succeed realize that they have to take some hits at times, but get back up and fight for their life. That's where you are at. And for such lame excuses--one being that you're not sexy enough at 140 lbs. and 5'5"? Oh puleez. I am 5'5" and 130, and I'm on the skinny side of women. I'm so sorry you married someone with the compassion of a rock. Get him to join this thread, haha! Tell him I challenge him to MAN UP and join this thread. let's see if he has a spine outside of screwing around.
HopelessinDTW Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Hurtalot: The only thing that will help is TIME. Your heart and your mind will fight with each other...this is the rollercoaster ride of emotions you will experiance as you try to make sense of all the things that have happened. As a guy who was cheated on, and then told that our 12 year relationship was just a lie...it's tough to make sense of it. Everything the other posters have said I second. In addition, cheater=lier. Don't believe anything he's saying. Furthermore, do not start a relationship yourself just to get back at him...that would be you stooping down to his level. You sound like an intelligent and loving wife...who unfortunately didn't really know who your H really was. You are still young, and you will find someone who loves and appreciates you. Keep strong, and post here for advice & support
willowthewisp Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 He went to hookers. He is the one with the issues not you! Please, repeat that to yourself over an over. NO ONE deserves what he has done to you NO ONE!
You Go Girl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Any guy that pays women for sex is the type of guy that most of us, if not all, and certainly me! never want to know in my lifetime, and NEVER want to be married to. Ewwwwww! Paying for sex? How low can he go? What kind of person can even orgasm after having paid for it? Wouldn't self-loathing kick in at even the thought? What is that, in the mind? To hand over money so that someone will act in a certain way as another person wants. Zero friendship even. Beyond a thinking person's comprehension.
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