7-year relationship/engagement ends in deceit.

[Rooooob]

First time poster here, was really just looking for some insight on my current situation! I'm sure this will most likely be a long read, so I hope you guys decide to hang with me here!

 

Background info:

My current age: 26

Ex's current age: 24

 

Well, as you all must know by now, my ex-fiancee and I have split up after 7-years (Lived 5 1/2 of those years together). For the first 3-4 years we had the most ideal relationship possible. There was always more than enough love, and plenty of romance. We really hit our first bump in the road right around the 4 1/2 year mark. I was going through a really hard time, and with the ways of the economy, the plant I was working at shut down. I spent the first 2-months looking for work. No luck. After the second month I get an unexpected visit from my parents. They've come to tell me that my girl no longer wants to be together, and they came up to get me....and my belongings. You can mostly likely imagine the sheer shock of it all. I gathered my things, and I left with my parents (embarrassing situation for a then 24-year old guy to go through). We stopped midway through the state to sleep. This was when I received a text message from my ex who asked where I was. I told her, and she said she was on the way. She drove halfway through the state to come and get me. We reconciled that day, and although we moved on, I was now extremely cautious with her.

Fast forward to present time. This is where things get REALLY F'd up. To give you guys an exact time frame, today is September 18th. She moved out August 15th. A little over a month, right? I knew our relationship was on its last legs, and I also had a suspicion that my fiancee was speaking to another man (I'll get to that in a minute). I wasn't notified when she was gonna move out. I woke up that Sunday morning at 8:30, turned over in bed to see her just sitting there. Once she noticed I was awake she said; "We need to talk. I'm not going to work today." Why, I said? "Because I'm leaving" she said. Not even a day of notification was given. I knew our relationship had a few rough patches, but nearly all do. We had talked about going to counseling, but she never seemed to be open to that option.

So we've been broken off for a little over a month now. Yesterday was the first time I actually had the chance to speak to her in a few weeks. Remember when I said that I had a suspicion that my fiancee was speaking to another man? Well, sure enough that was the case. My fiancee claims that they just "Recently" got together, but my cell phone records indicate that she's been talking to this guy for the last 3-months! She ended up putting some type of patterned code on her smart phone, she stopped feeding our animals (the cats, mostly), and she just became completely useless around the house. Never did anything. I was constantly, NON-STOP seeing her on the phone. Texting like there was no tomorrow. Basically, folks, she left me for another man. Plain. and simple.

This relationship has a foundation that was built on lies, betrayal, and deceit. Even though she's put me through all of this, I still do wants what's ultimately best for her.

At this point, what would of you do? What advice do any of you have? Today is actually day 1 of me going NC on her. I will not answer any calls, text messages, etc. I genuinely believe that my fiancee is currently being manipulated by another man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fully placing the blame on him, she's equally as responsible. Does this constitute as cheating to any of you? Remember she was talking to this guy for 2-3 months before she moved out. At this point, heres what I've decided to do.

 

1. Cut off all contact

2. Continue to take care of myself, and my physical appearance.

3. Let this whole thing run its course. Live my life, but don't wait for her to finish figuring things out.

4. Become more social and start dating new people.

 

Regardless, whomever this guy is, he cant erase the 7-years that I spent together with my ex. Her new relationship is destined to fail. Its all Karma. The old sayings are very true. Karma always comes back. And when it comes back and bites my ex in the behind, who's gonna be there to pick up the pieces? Probably not me. THAT's when she'll realize what the consequences are of her decision.

[TearsofHope]

If she didn't break up with you, and romantically was seeing this dude, its cheating. Now, if she didn't break up with you and was seeing this guy as a "new friend/co worker" in some form of way that is plain ol friendship/business relations, then I don't think it is cheating.

 

But to a certain degree, its hard to determine b/c she could of been out with this guy discussing new work projects, but the idea the two are together can "look" like cheating. You see how confusing trying to determine what is considered cheating or not?

 

I feel like this, if she left to BE with the other person in general, it means she is done with the relationship with you.

 

I would NC on her and let her come running back to you. Don't bother trying to cope and work things out. Hunny, 7 years a long time, my ex boyfriend did me cold blooded and I been with him 5 years... seriously, I don't even think the amount of "years" can make or break a person. I feel like the DUMPER just is living the "moment" and not giving a damn. B/c if they did, they would been thinking back to all the years spent with one another.

 

I would NC and leave her alone til she is ready to contact you. Don't let her contact you by saying "hi, how are you?" or "hows work/school/hows the pets?" Don't fall for those pathetic unnecessary small talk ass questions.. Respond when the ex is at your DOOR wanting to talk.

 

I just got my heart crushed this weekend. My ex called me up after NC for 2 weeks, only to profess his dying love for me and how he wanted me back.. and then 24 hours later, changed his mind and said "Sorry, I don't want this relationship as of now". So don't fall for the bs. If she is not at your DOOR, trust me.. Don't give in to the text messages/phone calls.. They just want to break NC to see how/where you are in your life.

[Rooooob]

If she didn't break up with you, and romantically was seeing this dude, its cheating. Now, if she didn't break up with you and was seeing this guy as a "new friend/co worker" in some form of way that is plain ol friendship/business relations, then I don't think it is cheating.

 

But to a certain degree, its hard to determine b/c she could of been out with this guy discussing new work projects, but the idea the two are together can "look" like cheating. You see how confusing trying to determine what is considered cheating or not?

 

I feel like this, if she left to BE with the other person in general, it means she is done with the relationship with you.

 

I would NC on her and let her come running back to you. Don't bother trying to cope and work things out. Hunny, 7 years a long time, my ex boyfriend did me cold blooded and I been with him 5 years... seriously, I don't even think the amount of "years" can make or break a person. I feel like the DUMPER just is living the "moment" and not giving a damn. B/c if they did, they would been thinking back to all the years spent with one another.

 

I would NC and leave her alone til she is ready to contact you. Don't let her contact you by saying "hi, how are you?" or "hows work/school/hows the pets?" Don't fall for those pathetic unnecessary small talk ass questions.. Respond when the ex is at your DOOR wanting to talk.

 

I just got my heart crushed this weekend. My ex called me up after NC for 2 weeks, only to profess his dying love for me and how he wanted me back.. and then 24 hours later, changed his mind and said "Sorry, I don't want this relationship as of now". So don't fall for the bs. If she is not at your DOOR, trust me.. Don't give in to the text messages/phone calls.. They just want to break NC to see how/where you are in your life.

 

First of all, thank you for the response. I really do appreciate it.

 

To address the part that I bolded, I didn't really get into specific detail. My ex got very, VERY clingy to her phone. She used to just leave it sitting around, and would often forget where she put it. The last 3-4 months of the relationship, that damn thing became attached to her hip. It was on her 24/7. She even started sleeping with the phone under her pillow. It's a smart phone, so she was able to put some type of patterned code to even access it. When I asked her why she did this, she couldn't give me a clear answer. At one point, I even asked her to let me see her phone, because I wanted to see what time it was (we weren't near a clock, and my phone was in the other room). She plain flat out, angrily said; "NO!".

 

When we last talked, I confronted her about all the suspicions that I had. I gave specific details and asked her that I needed her to be completely honest with me. I asked her if she was talking with this guy, and planning on builidng something with him once she moved out. She said yes. I asked her if she pass coded her phone so that I wouldn't see what was on there. She said yes. I asked her if she stopped calling me on her way home from work because she was on the phone with this other guy. She said yes. No remorse. No emotion. Nothing. Emotionless. It's upsetting to see how shady of a person she became.

 

So yeah, she most definitely cheated.

 

I already know what's gonna happen. Eventually, she's gonna try to make her way back into my life. Like I said, the foundation of her new relationship is built on lies, betrayal, and deceit. And probably a lot of lust. Thats not a recipe for a lasting relationship.

 

Definitely not taking her back.

[Oxo]

What you said about going NC and looking after yourself etc sounds like a great plan! She checked out of the relationship long before you did and she doesn't deserve to still have you in her life. Cake and eating it too, you know

 

Give yourself lots of you-time before you start dating again. 7 years is a long time, get out there and have fun with your mates, travel, chase your career! You've got a whole bucketful of new opportunities now (even though it doesn't feel like it right now - it will)

[danny1972]

keep your distance and your dignity my friend , there obviously is an underlying problem here as to why she done this i believe if she truely loved you she would never have cheated or at least waited untill the relationship between you both was over , what goes around comes around and i'm pretty certain her new relationship wont last , and guess who she will coming running back to when it falls flat on it's face ? your's truely , by then you will be in a better place a stronger person to tell her to get lost , even if you were to reconcile could you trust her again ? you can do better this i am sure , good luck

[Fruitpunch]

This is a really good example of how to handle things, you have done yourself proud.

So many guys would firstly beg her back, then when that didnt happen shout the odds, call her names, become an *******.

You have done neither of these things and by giving her no emotion at all she will wonder what the hell has happened.

And by concentrating on ur life u are already ten steps ahead of her.

**** her, shes not the first, she wont be the last

[BigProc]

Did you beg and cry etc? If not you should be so proud of yourself. You handled the situation better than i did

[Rooooob]

Did you beg and cry etc? If not you should be so proud of yourself. You handled the situation better than i did

 

Did I cry? Absolutely. Just not really in front of her. Did I beg her to come back? No. Of course not. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I let her walk out the door.

 

I also wanna thank everybody else for the comments. It's really, really appreciated.

 

Funny thing, though. I haven't spoken to her in almost a week. Received a text message from her this morning asking how I was doing, and what I've been up to. I haven't responded, and I'm not going to.

 

If she's really moved on, and with somebody else, why is she even trying to communicate with me?

 

I'll be sure to keep the situation updated from time-to-time

[YellowShark]

If she's really moved on, and with somebody else, why is she even trying to communicate with me

 

It is because she is trying to minimize her guilt. She wants you to say, "Ya, I'm ok, hope you are well." Then she can move on thinking she's not the "bad guy" in this story.

[LoveAintEverything]

You seem like you know what to do. After my 5year relationship ended we lost full contact with each other, which helped out dramatically and started seeing other people and going out. Live your life, I know you care and love her still, but you are way more important than that

[Rooooob]

Maybe somebody can help me out with this. I was going to create a whole new thread, but that seems like a waste of space.

 

Since I'm new to the whole NC thing, I was wondering if that also included replying to any of her text messages? Are those OK to answer?

 

I haven't been answering because I honestly don't feel that she deserves anymore of my time. She's taken up 7-years, and at this point, I don't want her taking up another second (Although she is because our relationship is still the most prominent thing in my mind).

 

Is it not a big deal to text back? Or should I leave it as is?

[Leandro]

NC means NO CONTACT. Don't reply at all. You're right, don't waste anymore of your time on her.

[Rooooob]

NC means NO CONTACT. Don't reply at all. You're right, don't waste anymore of your time on her.

 

It's becoming increasingly hard NOT to talk to her. When you're with someone for 7-years, and sleep next to that person for 6 of those years, its easier said than done. To go this long without speaking to her just rips me apart inside. It just doesn't feel like its gonna get easier. I mean, I know it will, but it just doesn't feel like it at this point in time.

[jeff2321]

I am going through this myself and I can tell you it will probably get harder before it gets better. You have to be strong and have NC. That means no emails/texts/phone-calls/facebook/myspace, nothing. Facebook is especially bad because of all the pictures people like to display. Looking at all of that will just tear you up. Delete her from facebook and write out a contract to yourself that you won't go look at her profile or FB page for at least 6 months and sign it.

 

If her relationship ends in a few months she may even show up at your door, so you are going to have to be prepared for that day if it happens.

 

I lived with my ex for 2 years and I had to get rid of everything because I was being triggered. Gather stuff that triggers you and put it in a box (or throw it away). For me I knew my relationship was done, so I just got rid of everything.

 

Jeff

[Rooooob]

I am going through this myself and I can tell you it will probably get harder before it gets better. You have to be strong and have NC. That means no emails/texts/phone-calls/facebook/myspace, nothing. Facebook is especially bad because of all the pictures people like to display. Looking at all of that will just tear you up. Delete her from facebook and write out a contract to yourself that you won't go look at her profile or FB page for at least 6 months and sign it.

 

If her relationship ends in a few months she may even show up at your door, so you are going to have to be prepared for that day if it happens.

I lived with my ex for 2 years and I had to get rid of everything because I was being triggered. Gather stuff that triggers you and put it in a box (or throw it away). For me I knew my relationship was done, so I just got rid of everything.

 

 

 

Jeff

 

UPDATE:

 

Well, her relationship has ended. Guess who she wants back into her life now? Yours truly.....its really, really thrown me for a big loop. I knew this day was coming, but I just didn't think it was going to happen THIS soon. She's been so insanely sympathetic. I know its just probably her guilt, and I told her I'm not taking her back. I said we can still talk, but I'm not at a place in my life where I feel like I can just take her back that easily. Surprise, surprise, her new relationship has crumbled. I guess this kid she was with was 22-yeaers old and had no job. Not to brag or anything, but I do make very good money. She's a girl that is used to being spoilt.

 

Its rough, though. I was in the middle of moving on, and here she comes back into the picture.

[Chrome Barracuda]

After all the things she did to you. Why are you even STILL talking to her.

[naya1]

rob.. i just got dumped myself. ive been having nothing but vodka for the past few days and quite frankly..its my best friend.

 

**** think of the countless guys i turned down for this bitch.

 

those coutnless guys are now talking to me, consoling me and comforting me. forgetting that they have a tallywhacker in their pants, for once in their lives.

 

anyways u know what this is what ive realized

 

i decided to talk to him cause i miss him so Fkn much.. so i was online on msn and he just still seemed to change but he still talked to me and still cares for me but there is really some change there.

 

and over the past few days of talking it made me realize that i was just thinking of our good times..it made me forget how he

 

smokes too much. i smoke too, but i am a nurse and im afraid that it will really make him very sick when he gets older. if we have kids, hes gonna leave us very soon if he doesnt quit now. but he cant quit and he doesnt want to.

 

has put me in a cage. a cage no matter how beautiful, still is a ****ing cage.

 

seemed to be a very spineless amoeba for some reason

 

cant argue for ****..i need a man who can carry a big vat of water to pour on me cause im a very fiery person

 

doesnt know **** from shinola (wtf is a shinola anyway)

 

he is too much like me. i cant explain it. but its probly not good in the long run

 

and lastly

 

the fact he dumped me. that is an unimaginable degree of betrayal, probly worse than being cheated on.

 

ive been just drinking my vodka and watching those cannibal ferox, cannibal holocaust, dario argento movies, childs play part 1-NTH and heaven knows what else i could grab in the dvd place.

 

and just to pat you with my furry hand ...

i think men get over these things quicker. so ur actually on the better side of things.

 

i dont handle these things well. i just chopped half of my hair and now sporting a bob. an uneven bob.

[Rooooob]

After all the things she did to you. Why are you even STILL talking to her.

 

That's a great question....unfortunately, I don't have an answer. The part of me that was always there to protect her, and be there for her wants to do these things now. As a friend of mine said recently; "You have an amazing heart". Sometimes I wish I didn't give a s***.

 

I wish I had an on/off switch. I mean, the love isn't there anymore, but I still want her to be safe. I can't live my life an angry, hateful, vengeful man. I'm at peace with everything.

[Sambo]

 

Regardless, whomever this guy is, he cant erase the 7-years that I spent together with my ex. Her new relationship is destined to fail. Its all Karma. The old sayings are very true. Karma always comes back. And when it comes back and bites my ex in the behind, who's gonna be there to pick up the pieces? Probably not me. THAT's when she'll realize what the consequences are of her decision.

 

 

Probably not you ?

 

I would hope that it would definitely be, not you!

 

Unless of course your a total loser and wus and that doesn't sound like you at all.

 

The best revenge is to move on and be happy.

[jayone]

I remember from my first breakup with my first love (4.5 years), the best thing to do is cut all contact totally. Delete her numbers, literally block her on Facebook, delete her emails and email address.

 

Don't go there mate.

 

My first love made a silly drunken mistake. She had a one night stand in an alleyway with a bloke that didn't even like her. I could never trust her after this so we broke up. As much as it hurt me, to the point where I was very ill and failed my university assignments, it had to be done. The very second she told me I said "Ok, it's over". And that was the last time I seen her.

 

But ... there is a twist. 2 years later I nearly went back there. I had to smack myself in the face and say NO!! I actually met up with her and helped her shop for her new baby. We gave each other a hug, said it was nice seeing each other and we must go our separate ways. This was about 2 weeks ago! But I'm far from stupid, and defiantly not a person that lets a woman walk all over me so even if I did still love my ex I wouldn't go there.

Edited October 3, 2010 by jayone

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's BS. She called your parents and told them to pick you up outta her house, and yet you let her come and pick you up! who called them, she did right?

 

I would have been so irate.

 

And now that your away from her, you should be done. Period!

 

Stay NC.

[jayone]

What does NC mean? No contact?

[Chrome Barracuda]

What does NC mean? No contact?

 

YEP!

 

No calling, no email, no texting, sexting or face, no twittering, myspacing, blogging (in her direction)

 

Nothing, you go black, be a ghost.

 

If this woman has a propensity for messing up his life NC is what he uses to heal himself without her madness affecting him. This woman did some horrible things to him, why would he talk to her and act like it's cool?