she may have cheated on me

[Crazy Horse]

My ex-gf and I broke up 7 months ago. LS was very instrumental in helping me to let go and move on. Reading all of the stories of heartbreak here let me know I'm not alone.

 

Over the last 3 months, my ex and I have been seeing each other regularly and have been trying to patch things up. I think we've been progressing quite nicely in fact although we haven't officially gotten back together.

 

Yesterday though, I saw something I shouldn't have. Although it confirmed my deepest fears and my gut instinct about the breakup all along. I read her journal. I didn't even realize it was her journal. It was a really small booklet that initially had "Things To Do" stuff in it. Towards the end though, she was writing about how on her trip to Europe right before we broke up, she fooled around with a colleague of hers. "A boy named Eloi", "her Catalan boy" according to her (I assume he's Spanish).

 

Over the series of entries following that first entry, she talked about how they hooked up again barely a month after we broke up and had "mind-blowing love-making". Then she talked about missing him, how she's fallen completely head over heels in love with him, how he swept her off her feet, and how he made her get completely over me in just two months time (based on the dates of the entries).

 

Then around June, she got frustrated about him. Even listed 6 things she didn't like about him. The last being that he wouldn't go to the next level with her. This happens around time she started contacting me and we started to see each other regularly. Amazing coincidence huh?

 

I texted her about it and she flat out denies everything. She says nothing happened. There was never a third party. It was all made-up to help her get over me. That while he did show signs, she never acted on it but instead concocted this elaborate, very vivid, and very detailed story of them hooking up just so she could over me.

 

When we broke up last February, she said she just wanted to regain her independence. She wanted to be free and do things she's always wanted to do without having to worry about a SO. My instinct told me something happened in Europe because it was after that trip that she "changed". I asked her about it and she denied it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her that this was what she said it is---a longing to be independent again. Free from a committed relationship. She thought we were holding each other back and that by doing this we can come out of it as better individuals.

 

Her writings say otherwise. But she just denies it. All of it. It's all make believe she says. But how do you come up with 6 reasons not to like someone in a make believe world? Isn't he supposed to be ideal? And the detail of that list is just something you come up with after you've been really intimate with someone. Here's an example:

 

1. You smell

2. You don't like cuddling

3. You don't let me cum first (how selfish of you)

6. You don't want to take it to the next level me

 

And then, right below that list is this statement:

 

"You told me I'm important to you"

 

Does that seem make believe to you?

 

I'd like to believe her, I really do. That she was so hurt by our breakup, she concocted a very elaborate and detailed story just to get over me. But my instincts tell me otherwise. I have nothing else to back it up with except her own writings.

 

I need help guys. Advice on what to do. She's on another trip abroad and won't be back until Wed. She texted me last night and said she hopes we can talk about it. I just want the truth.

 

I'm sorry about the length. I just wanted to get everything out of my chest.

[Fouts]

She got treated like crap by the guy she started banging after dumping you and wants to get back together.

 

Sorry bro, but it's a classic that happens over and over again, from both women and men. Try not to be a sucker, because you'll be a victim again when she finds someone else (again). She just wants comfort in you until she can find someone new.

 

Sometimes we have to take the pain and ego hit and accept the fact that someone's just not that into us and move on.

 

Think about this. Where's her journal about you and her orgasms? There isn't one.

[Crazy Horse]

Thanks Fouts. That's exactly what I thought while reading her journal.

 

Some additional information. We were together for almost five years. I never suspected her of cheating on me until after that Europe trip. She has a colleague of hers that she looks up to as a mentor-type and has told me before that that mentor of hers has cheated on her husband before. She wrote an entry back in August, 2 months after we've been seeing each other regularly, that she still hopes thinks could work out between her and "Eloi". That she still loves him despite his smell and his dislike for cuddling.

[Crazy Horse]

I'm thinking of sending her this e-mail below. Should I?

 

 

Hi,

 

I've been thinking about what I read yesterday and what you said afterward. About your assertion that it was all make believe and that nothing really happened. My gut just keeps telling me it's all real. I'm trying to be as rational as I can about this. How does one come up with such a detailed account of a make-believe story? Reading and re-reading it just gave me the impression that you were recalling something that really happened. Every other thing connected to the "story" was real and you've told me about it before. How you were surprised how much you enjoyed your Europe trip. The ungodly amount of wine you consumed while you were there. Your Boracay trip during our cool off (where you mentioned how Eloi just makes you smile). Your trip to Cochabamba after we broke up (where you had mind-blowing love-making together). Your second trip to Europe back in June. Even your trip to Vigan during our supposed to be 5th year anniversary. You would tell me in June that you went to Atimonan for the May 1 weekend but then you slipped up a few months later and mentioned to me in passing that you had gone to Ilocos.

 

Your list of things you don't like about him just keeps coming to mind. That couldn't possibly be made-up. Someone has to have a real intimate relationship with someone to come up with "You don't let me cum first (how selfish)" or "You don't like cuddling" or "You won't take it to the next level with me". Made-up guys (or girls) are usually ideal in every way. Somehow, I think if he was made-up he would be giving you multiple orgasms and cuddling with you all night long.

 

Listen, if you did have a relationship with this guy after we broke up, that's fine. We were broken up, you were single and free to mingle with anyone as you please. I just hope you would have been honest about it with me. That's what the ground rule I introduced in May was for. So we don't find out like this.

 

If you fooled around with him in Paris and in Barcelona while we were still together, That's a different a story. That's something we do have to address. Why did it happen? What was it that was missing in our relationship that made you decide to "take the leap" with him? Why did it feel so right for you?

 

I truly deeply love you with all of my heart and being. I want to work everything out with you. I want to be there for you no matter what challenges we may face. And even though I tried really hard not to think about it the last few months, I still dream of us being together in the end. But we can only move forward if we are completely honest with each other. Are you still in love him? Do you still wish it could work out between the two of you? Are you just using me to make him jealous? Or are you sticking to your claim that it's all make-believe?

 

The truth always comes out, that's what they say. Somehow, if I accept your premise now and then this turns out to be true and bubbles up to the surface in the future, it will be much worse than it is now. At least now, it can all make sense and we can move on. Forgiveness will be much easier to come by.

 

I'm giving you a chance to lay out all your cards on the table and just be completely honest with me. In return, I will be completely honest with you. I'll tell you all of my mental indiscretions with you in the (almost) five years we were together.

 

You said before that you wanted to see where this is going, our new relationship. That's why you haven't made a full commitment to me even though we've been acting like boyfriend and girlfriend every time we see each other. Well this is it, this is the bridge that we now have to cross. It's usually the simplest explanation that solves the most complex problem.

 

God, there are so many other things I want to say. So many things I need to get off my chest. I probably shouldn't even be writing this so I'll just stop here. I hope you think about this as deeply as I have.

[Don Ho]

Yep Bro, Fouts has it right. Her journal was "make believe"! Ha! How's that song go when the girl catches her guy in the act "It Wasn't Me". LOL. She's basically saying what every cheater says "nothing happened". Drop her like a hot rock Bro and don't even think about giving her the chance to "explain it" to you because it will just be a bunch of BS and you know it. You should have followed your intuition and dumped her before.

[Fouts]

I'm sure it was therapeutic to write that email bro, but just delete it, don't send it. She's a cheater, liar and manipulator. I know you have strong feelings for her and it's hard my friend, but make her disappear from your life. You'll only hurt even worse next go 'round.

 

You sound like a great guy, believe me there's tons of chicks who want to be with you and will treat you like gold.

[Crazy Horse]

Thanks Fouts. I just deleted it.

 

I worked so hard trying to get over her after we broke up that I cautioned myself to not get too attached when we were trying to patch things up. I failed.

And now it feels as though i'm going to have to go through it all over again. The self-control to go NC, the constant introspection, the depression, all of it. Sucks to be me.

[VeveCakes]

Definitly don't send anything. She is a flat out liar, a bad one at that. I hate to say it but you're the back up, and you know you deserve more. Ignore her, forget her, and try to just learn and move on,

[Crazy Horse]

The more I run through those journal entries in my head, the more stupid I feel for somewhat falling for her explanation. It's just so hard for me to believe she would lie to her teeth like that after everything we've been through together as a couple. And that even when confronted with her own writings, she still wouldn't fess up to it.

 

Unfortunately, I should I have seen this coming. When we first got together I told her that my biggest fear is that she would eventually get bored of me and leave me for another more exciting guy. She goes abroad a lot for her work (she works for a NGO). Early in our relationship, I worried that in one of these trips, she would get drunk and hook up with someone. Those worries lessened and even disappeared as we built a long-term relationship together.

 

It seems ironic now but one of her female co-workers was a victim of infidelity. Just two weeks before she left for Europe, she mentioned how disgusted she was of her co-workers philandering husband for attending their organization's anniversary party.

 

Then she writes in her journal that 'she took the leap' with Eloi in Europe. It felt so right she says. 'How can something that feels so right be forbidden?' she writes.

 

I run through those entries in my head and then remember our times together and I just cannot picture how she could do this. Then I remember how she acted after she came back from Europe and it just suddenly makes sense.

 

How can someone change that quickly? Before she left she even mentioned to me that she enjoys nothing more than spending time with me. When she got back, she suddenly asks for a 'break' to evaluate things between us. 12 days later, the Hammer, she wants out.

 

I accepted her explanation at the time and trusted her when she repeatedly denied a 'third-party' was involved. She even mentions how she wishes there was a third party involved so the breakup would make more sense for both of us.

 

Even after I asked her a few months after the breakup to, out of respect for the time we shared, just mention to me if she has a new bf, or a new fling relationship, or any type of intimate relationship with anyone. She said she would do that and be honest with me. Not a word from her about anything until I read her journal. And even after that she still denies it.

 

I'm sorry if I'm going on and on about this. I just don't know what to do. There's so much hurt and anguish in my heart and I have no one to talk to since my ex also happened to have been my best friend.

[jms76]

CH

 

I'm sorry to hear what has transpired. I can only imagine the torment you're going through. But I have to agree with what everyone else has said so far. First off, DON'T SEND that email. She does not deserve such a thought out, sincere response from you. I think the writing is on the wall and clear as day. Your heart is the only thing getting in the way. It's your choice to forgive her for cheating but the problem is she is continuing to lie about it. Is that the kind of person you want to be with? No, you don't. Trust me. You have to forget about the fact you spent 5 years with this girl. It could've been 5 months and the situation would be the same. Only difference is it would probably just take less time to move on. While it will be hard to go through all the motions again of NC, heartache etc, think how much worse it would be if you did forgive her, got back together only to have it happen to you again!

 

When does she return from her trip? When is the last time you have had contact with her? I would stop speaking with her now if you have not done so already. Keep us posted man and one day at a time.

[Crazy Horse]

She gets back tomorrow night. Our last contact was Saturday night after I read her journal. She said she hopes we can talk about it. I told her I'm just confused and that I don't know what to believe anymore. I haven't contacted her since and funny thing is, she hasn't contacted me either.

 

This just couldn't have come at a worst time. I hate what I'm doing right now and my application for this job I really wanted to have may be unsuccessful. And this other job application I had, well they haven't contacted me in over 3 weeks now. The only thing that really had me going was the belief that we were moving forward with our relationship and patching things up.

[jms76]

Crazy

 

You can't let a woman dictate your happiness in life. If your job isn't working out, something will come along at some point. Life may be kicking you in the balls at the moment but realize each day it will get better and someday you'll look back at this situation and be stronger for it. It's happened to me and each time I go through it, I come out stronger. Lean on friends and family and focus on the good things in your life. You'll get through this. But when you meet with her, try to separate what your heart wants and use logic to figure out what to do. Sounds like you've already analyzed this situation thoroughly and I think you know what you already believe transpired. Act on that info and you will come out on top. Good luck...

[Crazy Horse]

Thanks bro!

 

I know I'll get over her. I've done it before. It's just different now with this new information on hand. Before, it seemed like she just wanted to 'find herself'. Now, she's betrayed me and doesn't even seem remorseful about it.

[listen_to_me_please]

wow dude, i feel your pain.

What happen next? What did you end up doing?

[In_Repair]

She cheated on you, and apparently fell in love with, some smelly unwashed European named "ELOI".... that's enough right there. Dump her ass.

[LoveAintEverything]

Wow, this girl must think you are the most stupidest person in the world. You deserve way better than that, it is time to think about yourself, forget her!

[Crazy Horse]

wow dude, i feel your pain.

What happen next? What did you end up doing?

 

She was supposed to have gotten back in town 2 days ago but she hasn't contacted me. Our last communication was Saturday night after I read her journal.

[jms76]

Crazy

 

My guess is she hasn't contacted you because she knows she's guilty. Unless she's in critical condition in a hospital, she should have gone out of her way to get in touch with you to work on this. Writing on the wall my friend. I know it can be tough to swallow but the sooner you get started moving on, the sooner you will heal.

[Crazy Horse]

Update:

 

9 days after I read her journal and NC, she texts me this:

 

"...i don't know if u want 2 speak 2 me again or if u will still listen and believe me. This is probably my last message, i broke up with u not because of a 3rd party, there is no 3rd party. I have hoped we can build a new relationship, i msu. But i can't force u if u dont want to. U will always be the love of my life, believe it or not. I wish u all that life can offer."

 

I did not reply to her.

[listen_to_me_please]

if you respond, you will end up back together.

she will get comfortable.

she will realize the reason(s) why she cheated in the first place.

she will continue to cheat..

she will eventually find the person whom she is willing to leave you for (after she has built the relationship to the level she wants it)

 

then she will leave you heart broken, confused and dazed.

 

your only option at this time is to not contact her, distance yourself, explore new relationships, come back this situation in a few years IF and only if you choose too.

 

my advice is to not believe her, continue to ignore her, hope you don't run into her.

 

also if you analyze her text, look at what she states

 

(there is no third party) that is true - the guy didn't want her

I hope we can build a new relationship - keyword being "new"

I can't force u if you don't want to - I did cheat

You will always be the love of my life - Because my other guy didn't work out and I rather not be alone.

this is probably my last message to you - i know i am guilty but I figured I would give try one last ditch attempt to see if I still have power over you.

Edited September 30, 2010 by listen_to_me_please

[Crazy Horse]

She texted me again a day later. She said she can't stand me not talking to her / being angry at her and that she hopes we can still talk.

 

I finally replied and said I don't know what to tell her and that I just can't accept her premise about the journal entries being made up.

 

After a few more back & forth's, she texts me this explanation:

 

"...some of my entries were made up, some were not. Eloi showed interest in Paris. but he knows im committed so nothing happened. I stayed with a friend who invited me in Barcelona. When we broke up, i saw him in [bolivia], he was there. We had a fling and i used him to get over u. Believe me or not, that's up 2 u. I said my piece."

 

I asked her a few more questions (why she lied about it, what about the other entries in the journal). She said she lied because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that it was a one time thing. She said she wanted to be honest but people she 'consulted' told her not to because it would just hurt me and because the fling wasn't serious. She said her intention was not to hurt me. That the fling was just a mistake. After that, she said that having said her piece, this will be the last time she's explaining.

 

I told her that there's still a lot of holes in her story and still a lot more unanswered questions but if she doesn't want to explain anymore then i won't force her.

 

I told her goodbye and said that it's time we go our separate ways and move on with our respective lives.

 

She asked if i wouldn't want to see her one last time so we can have proper closure and i told her no. It would just delay the healing process (plus, in my mind, i probably won't act rationally if i see her).

 

She then says that this really is goodbye and that she hopes i'll be happy.